But he never would.
“My turn,” he said quickly, interrupting her. He’d talked about that day long enough. He needed to clear his brain. Quiet the screams of his men. But still, even though it was hard to talk about, with her, it didn’t feel so bad.
With her, it was freeing.
If anyone else had asked, he wouldn’t have been so honest. He would have said it was time to leave his position in the SEALs, or that he’d been ready to move on, all the bullshit he usually spat out when people asked him questions like that. But the truth was, he’d been forced out by a well-placed shot that limited his ability to aim and shoot properly. So…it had been a desk job or retirement.
He hadn’t been ready to leave.
Hadn’t wanted to be normal.
But here he was, trying his best to do those things anyway.
And Lauren made that all a little easier. He massaged her back in slow, sweeping circles. “I’ve asked you this before, but we’re older now, and I have a feeling your answer changed. What’s your biggest fear?”
She shifted her weight uneasily. “Wow. That’s a tough one. I guess…it would be dying alone. Dad left when I was a baby, and Mom died right after high school. Even before that, I barely even saw her. But if everyone else gets married and moves on with their lives, and I’m all alone…yeah. I would be the old lady that dies and no one finds out till after her cat eats half her rotting, smelly, exploding flesh away.”
He laughed. He couldn’t help it. “Wow. That’s quite the image you paint.”
“It’s the truth.” She placed a hand over his shoulder, where the scar from his injury was. The one that ended his career. “My turn again. If you hadn’t been shot, would you still be there now?”
“It’s the only place I’ve felt like I had a meaning to my life. The only place I’ve felt like I belong, and that I knew what my purpose was.” He rested his hands on hers and held on to it. “So, yeah, I’d be over there, fighting and serving my country. It pisses me off that I can’t anymore. I feel useless. Like my entire life has nothing left to it anymore.”
She reared back. “That’s insane. You’re a valuable part of the Shillings Agency. And you have Lydia. Holt. Your parents.” She hesitated. “Me.”
“Do I?” he asked. “Sometimes, it doesn’t feel like it.”
“Steven…”
He took a deep breath. “My turn. Why do you think you’ll be alone? Why are you so sure no one will fall in love with you, or ask you to marry them?”
“Quite frankly…” She bit down on her tongue. He could see it. “I’m not sure I’m capable of the kind of love that other people feel.”
He stilled. “Why not?”
“It’s my turn, not yours. Why do you want to be with me all of a sudden?”
“I can’t think of anything else.” He traced an invisible path on his knee, frowning down at it. “I didn’t let myself think about it before, but you kissed me. And everything changed. Now I want to be with you so badly it hurts. Why did you kiss me last night?”
She swallowed hard. “I always wondered what it would be like. Why did you kiss me back?”
“I needed to kiss you, too,” he shot back. “Was it what you imagined?”
“Even better.” She licked her lips, and he couldn’t look away from the wet sheen she left behind. “So much better. Why have you been drinking so much?”
Shit. She had to ask him that. Had to throw it out there. “It helps me forget I lost my way. And it makes me forget all the people I didn’t save. And the ones I no longer can save. How many people do you think die, every day, over there, that I could have saved if only I was still there? I don’t think I want to know. But it haunts me. If I’d—” He broke off, not wanting to tell her about the lie that ended his career, and his friend’s lives. “It’s just, if things had played out differently, everything could be different. And those men would still be with their families.”
“When Lydia called me in the middle of the night, I was terrified she was calling to tell me you were dead.” She fisted his shirt and took a deep breath. “It was, hands down, the most frightening moment of my life. When she told me you were alive, I sat down and I couldn’t move. Not even after we hung up.”
Swallowing hard, he hugged her, still rubbing her back. Funny, but he never really thought about that. What it would be like to be on the other end of the phone, getting that call. He tried to imagine how he would feel if the roles were reversed, and it didn’t feel good at all. He kissed the top of her head, taking a second to breathe in her sweet scent. “I’m sorry.”
She didn’t say anything, but snuggled closer.
It was his turn, so he asked, “Why did you ask me to stay here?”
“I…uhh…” Lifting her head, she opened her mouth, going pale. Fear flashed across her eyes, and she shook her head once. “Dare. I’ll take a dare.”
Out of all the questions, that wasn’t the one he expected her to avoid. What was so damn bad that she had to hide it from him? That she refused to answer? “Seriously? That’s the one you don’t want to answer?”
“Yep.” She didn’t so much as waver from her decision. “What’s my dare?”
“Give me a chance to be more than a friend to you. Let me be your lover. Your friend. The person you come home to at night, the one who holds you when you’re upset. The guy who needs you as much as you need him.” He locked eyes with her. “Let me be yours, and say you’re mine.”
She didn’t say anything. Just stared.
And stared some more.
She was silent for so long that he was tempted to snap a finger in her face to jerk her out of whatever world she currently resided in. But just as he was about to, she opened her mouth. “I want to. I do,” she said, wringing her hands in front of her chest. “I just… It scares me. The idea of losing you.”
“I told you.” He cupped her face and offered her a small smile. “I’m not going anywhere, cupcake. Even if you break my heart, I’ll be right here. At your side.”
She shook her head slightly, pressing her face closer to his palm. Turning, she kissed it. Her touch lingered even when she faced him again. “I believe you. I do. But you’re you, and I’m me…”
“And you don’t think we could make it work,” he said flatly.
She bit down on her lip hard. “Do you?”
“I do.” He ran his hand down her neck and over her back till he rested right above her ass. “I really fucking do. I think we could be happy. If you let me, I think I could spend the rest of my life trying to make you smile and laugh.” His mind wandered to what he’d seen earlier, on her nightstand. She had a glass jewelry box, so when he’d been pacing and thinking, he’d seen it. Sitting there. Plain as day. “Do you remember what we promised each other after I came home from my first tour?”
She gaped at him for so long he gave up on getting an answer from her. Maybe she didn’t remember. Maybe he was the only one that clung to long ago spoken words that meant so much and yet—
“Yeah.” She cleared her throat. “We said we would get married if we were both single when you were thirty.” She scooted away from him, shrugging out of his hold, and hugged her knees, watching him warily. “You remember that?”
“Of course I remember it.”
They locked gazes, neither one moving.
Finally, she gripped her calves tighter and spoke. “Why are you mentioning this now? That was a lifetime ago.”
“I’ve been thinking about it. A lot.”
She gave a nervous laugh. “But why?”
“I think I said those things for a reason. Something I wasn’t sure of, or even wanting to consider, but I think when I asked you to marry me if we were both single, it was because I had a feeling this moment would come. That when we were both ready, you’d be mine, and I’d be yours, and it would just be right.” He cleared his throat. “I saw it in your jewelry box this morning. I didn’t open it or anything, but it was resting right on the top, inside the
glass lid. You kept the ring. Why?”
She covered her face. “Oh God.”
“Lauren.”
“I couldn’t get rid of it,” she whispered. “It was a silly thing, and we were drunk, but to me…it was special. And I didn’t want to forget that moment, so I kept it. It’s not a big deal or anything. Just a keepsake.”
He swallowed. It had been special to him, too. He just hadn’t realized it till now, almost nine years later. “I’m single, and thirty.”
“Don’t.” She hopped up, covering her mouth with a trembling hand. “You can’t be serious right now. We had sex twice. Twice. That doesn’t mean we should get married.”
“Jesus.” He stood, too, and held his arms out. “I’m not asking you to marry me, for fuck’s sake. I’m not that much of an asshole. If I ever asked anyone to marry me, it would be a hell of a lot better than this moment.”
She lowered her hand. “What are you asking me?”
“The same thing I already asked for. Be my girlfriend. For the first time in forever, I found a new purpose. It’s to make you happy. To make you laugh so hard you have to clutch your stomach. To brighten your life up, and to let you do the same to mine. To be your person.”
“You’re already my person,” she said, smiling. Her eyes watered. “My best person.”
“But I want to be more. To be everything.” He grabbed her hands and squeezed. “You and I? We make sense. It’s why I made that silly promise all those years ago. Tell me I’m wrong.”
She sucked in a deep breath. “I want to be with you more than you’ll ever know, which is what scares me so much, Steven. So. Much.”
“That’s when it’s right. When it scares the shit outta you.”
She eyed him. “You don’t get scared of anything.”
“Correction. I didn’t.” He squared his jaw. “But then I woke up in your bed, and I realized that this thing between us could work out, and just how much I stood to lose if it didn’t.”
She swallowed. “So you’re scared of me?”
“Hell yeah. You terrify me.”
A strangled laugh escaped her. “I feel the same way about you.”
“Is that a yes?”
She nibbled on her lip, watching him. This moment, no matter what her answer might be, was going to be engrained in his memory for the rest of his life. Her soft blue eyes shone brighter than a summer’s day sky. Her plump, pink lips parted as she breathed, and a fetching pink flushed her cheeks.
And then she smiled, and his heart sped up
“Steven…” She licked her lips, and nodded. Fucking nodded. “Yes. I’ll be your girlfriend.” She launched herself into his arms and kissed him.
And for the first time in months…
He wasn’t lost.
Chapter Fifteen
“This literally makes no sense.” Lauren crossed her arms, staring at the TV with narrowed eyes. “He’s in a box, and it just shows up in London—heck, all over the world, and no one finds it odd that at one moment, there’s a random police box outside their homes, and the next day…it’s gone? And no one reports it?”
Steven laughed. “Would you call the cops if there was a police box down the road from your place?”
“I—” A robotic human thing walked down the roads of London, and no one even screamed. “What even is this? I’d freak out if I saw that thing, that’s for sure!”
Two nights ago, she had lost a bet with Holt, and her price had been agreeing to one full night of a Doctor Who marathon with Steven. They were on their second episode, and it still made absolutely no sense whatsoever. And the aliens were creepy.
Holt and Steven had set her up.
She never stood a chance of winning that bet.
“Can we just tell Holt we watched it?” She leaned in and traced a path down his happy trail, dropping her voice seductively. “I can think of better things to do…”
Steven laughed even harder and caught her hand. “Not a chance.”
“Ugh.” She flopped back against the couch dramatically. “This suuuucks.”
He shook his head. “You’re thinking about it way too much. You’re supposed to get lost in the characters, and sympathize with the sad plight of the Doctor.”
“What’s so wrong with his life?” she asked, gesturing to the screen. “He flies around in a box that’s bigger on the inside, saving planets and lives, with a human companion that loves him. It sounds pretty great to me.”
“He’s the last of his kind. The last Time Lord to ever fly in a TARDIS.” Steven paused, and his smile slipped away. “And even worse, it’s all his fault that he’s the last one. He killed them to save the universe.”
Lauren swallowed hard, eyeing Steven.
His tone was casual, but the way he held his knees was anything but. He flexed his jaw and stared at the screen. Judging from the distant expression in his eyes, he wasn’t even here with her. He was in another time, and another place, when he’d lost all his men, too. And from what little he’d told her, he blamed himself.
She wasn’t sure what happened over there, but she knew one thing.
Those deaths weren’t his fault.
“How did he kill them all?”
Steven shifted. “He blew up his planet to stop the time war. All Daleks and all the people of Gallifray died. And he did it. He pushed the button.”
“Wow.” She rested a hand on his shoulder. “Is that why you sympathize with the Doctor? You’re the last ones left?”
His jaw flexed. “Yes, and we’re both guilty as hell.”
“Steven—”
“Don’t.” He pinched the bridge of his nose. “You have no idea what happened over there, and I’m not telling you, so drop it.”
She bit her tongue. “Those men you lost. They were friends. Right?”
“Brothers.” He rested his head against the couch, staring up at her. What lurked in those depths—anger, pain, confusion, guilt—twisted her stomach in knots, and made her heart ping in sympathy. “All of them.”
She nodded, running her thumbs across the stubble on his cheeks. “And you loved them.” It wasn’t so much of a question as it was a statement. After all, she already had her answer. A man who grieved so thoroughly for someone else obviously cared.
He squared his jaw, not answering.
It was enough.
“So do you think they’d want you to continue punishing yourself, and blaming yourself? Would they expect you to live the rest of your life alone and shut off from any emotion, because you lived and they died?” she asked, keeping her voice soft.
His nostrils flared, and he took an uneven breath. “I don’t know, but it’s what I was determined to do.” He slowly slid his hand up her side, leaving a trail of tingling skin in his wake. “What I was doing—right up until you kissed me.”
“And now?” she asked, her breath hitching in her throat.
“Now I feel too much,” he admitted, going over her shoulder, across her chest, and burying his fingers in her hair. “I’m alive again, and happy, and it’s because of you. You showed me how to live again, and I don’t want you to ever stop.”
“I won’t,” she whispered. “I promise.”
“Don’t make promises. No one ever keeps them,” he said, his voice gruff.
“I do.” She ran her thumb over his lower lip. “I will.”
“Lauren. My Lauren.”
With a grimace, he pulled her face down to his and kissed her. They’d kissed a lot of times, in lots of different ways, over the last few days. But this time felt…new.
Like maybe, just maybe, he was starting to believe in her.
And himself.
Four days later, Lauren woke up slowly with a smile on her face. After their serious conversation about him forgiving himself, they’d opted for lighter conversation. And there had been laughing. So much laughing. He fulfilled one part of his promise to her—he made her belly hurt.
And it had been glorious.
Ever since she agre
ed to be his, he’d been the Steven he had been before he left for war. The one who joked around and spoke openly about everything. The man she fell for so long ago, when they’d been nothing more than children, and she was falling harder and faster now, as an adult.
Being with him was like a rush. Like riding a roller coaster when it’s approaching the top of the first hill. Just as it was about to plummet down, and she was going to scream, and her stomach was about to fly up in her throat. And when it was over, she was ready to get right back on and do it again.
She rolled over and reached out for him, but the bed was empty. Her lids drifted open lazily, and she searched the room. His shoes were gone, and so were his clothes. There was a note on the pillow.
Had to go to work early this morning. I couldn’t bear to wake you after keeping you up all night, so I didn’t. I’ll see you tonight. Save me some red velvet cupcakes.
Steven
She smiled down at the writing, which was messy and scribbled at best. Next to it, he’d placed the twist tie. Their promise ring. She snatched it up, rolled out of bed, and put it back in the jewelry box.
As she closed the lid, she glanced at herself in the mirror. Her hair was a mess, and she looked like she hadn’t slept in a week, but she was…
Really, truly, happy.
As she showered, she whistled and washed, smiling at all the sore spots she discovered. And when she got to work at ten minutes before seven, she smiled at every customer who came in a little more widely than usual. Buying this bakery had been the biggest leap of faith she ever made—up until the other night when Steven asked her to be his.
That had been an even bigger one.
But the thing about leaps was, if you landed safely on the other side, you looked over your shoulder at what you left behind on the other side, and then looked forward at the beauty of the new, undiscovered side. And then you started your life all over again.
With the person or thing you took a leap with.
And doing it with Steven had been the best decision she ever made.
At six o’clock on the nose, her phone dinged. It was a text from Steven. Her heart accelerated. When she read it, she laughed out loud.
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