Death of a Nag

by M C Beaton

  He read a tough-cop American detective story. The detective in it seemed to get results by punching confessions out of people, which gave Hamish a vicarious thrill as he thought of the scandal and miles of red tape that would descend on his head if he tried to do the same thing. The story ended satisfactorily with the detective incinerating the villains in a warehouse and getting a medal for bravery from the mayor in front of a cheering crowd on the steps of City Hall. America must be a marvellous country, thought Hamish wryly, if any of this was real. He imagined what would happen to him if he did the same thing. He would be hauled up before his superiors, who would want to know first of all why he had tackled the villains single-handed and not called for back-up, and why he had wrecked three police cars. Then he would be told that when he had finished writing all that out in triplicate, he would be interviewed by the gentlemen who owned the warehouse and their insurance company to explain why he had torched billions of dollars' worth of stock.

  With a sigh of satisfaction, he stood up and stretched and set back along the beach for the boarding-house.

  He had been looking forward to reading the other book, but Bob Harris was berating his wife next door and she was crying. Hamish ripped up pieces of tissue paper to form ear-plugs, buried his head under the pillow and fell asleep.

  Hamish had fully intended to keep the next day for himself, but when he entered the dining-room for breakfast, all eyes turned to him hopefully. It was the sight of Doris's sad face that made up his mind for him. He suddenly did not care whether Doris fell in love with Andrew or not. She might have a little happiness to remember in her otherwise miserable life.

  "Whit are we daein' the day, Hamish?" Cheryl called over to him.

  "I thought you would all have had enough of bloody civil servants," growled Bob Harris. "Petty little bureaucrats."

  Hamish ignored him. "I was down at the harbour yesterday evening," he said, "and I noticed that you can hire a boat and fishing tackle. Anyone for fishing?"

  They all agreed, with the exception of Bob, who sneered, "Fishing's for fools."

  Dermott Brett said he would take his car into Skag because he didn't want the children too tired with the walk before the day started.

  "Are you taking Towser?" asked Heather.

  "Yes," said Hamish. "He likes boats."

  Miss Gunnery said she would take her car as well and offered Hamish a lift. She frowned when Cheryl and Tracey begged a lift as well but said reluctantly that they could come too. Andrew and Doris said nothing. Hamish sensed a waiting in Doris. She was hoping she could slip away.

  Nonetheless he was surprised when they all gathered on the harbour to find that Andrew had driven Doris in his car.

  "Where's Bob?" asked Dermott.

  "He doesn't want to come," said Doris curtly.

  They went to a hut at the back of the harbour where a surly man said he would supply them with tackle and take them out. They all paid their share of the cost. It was a large open boat with an outboard. The day was grey and still, the water flat and oily.

  The boat owner, Jamie MacPherson, issued them with old life-jackets and even found some small ones for the children. He tried to object to Towser until he saw the party was going to cancel the trip if the dog wasn't allowed on board.

  They all climbed down a seaweed-slippery ladder from the jetty and onto the boat. Hamish had taken a dislike to Jamie, but he had to admit the man was efficient. He had small rods for Heather and Callum and even a small stick with a thread and a bent pin on it for the toddler, Fiona. They chugged out into the North Sea until the boat stopped and they began to rig up their lines. There were various false alarms. Doris caught a bit of seaweed and June Brett, an old shoe.

  The day was hazy and lazy and then Heather said suddenly, "Someone ought to kill Mr. Harris."

  "That's enough of that, miss," said her mother sharply and then looked apologetically at Doris.

  "A lot of people want to kill Bob," said Doris. "Don't get angry with the child."

  "Why did you marry him?" asked Heather in her clear piping voice.

  "People change," said Doris on a sigh.

  "It's not easy to kill someone," said Hamish, wondering if one of them might betray that he or she had searched his suitcase and knew he was a policeman.

  Andrew laughed and then asked the question Hamish had been dreading. "Which branch of the civil service are you in, Hamish?"

  "Min of Ag and Fish," said Hamish, meaning the Ministry of Agriculture and Fisheries.

  "Anyone there you would like to kill?"

  "Aye," said Hamish, thinking of the bane of his life, Detective Chief Inspector Blair, "there's this big fat Glaswegian wi' a sewer mouth."

  "I always think the best murders are when they are committed by someone who didn't know the victim," said Miss Gunnery.

  "There iss no such thing as a good murder," said Hamish repressively. His Highland accent took on that sibilancy it always did when he was upset. "There iss nothing good in the taking of another's life."

  "Well, I think that awfy Bob Harris waud be better dead," said Tracey.

  "Please do not say such things in front of Doris," said Andrew sharply.

  "She waud be glad tae see the last o' him," retorted Cheryl.

  "In a book I was reading at school, the wicked girl in the remove was killed with a rare South African poison," said Heather.

  "You won't get rare South African poisons in Skag," said Hamish. "Murders are usually done in rage and they're dreary and simple—a blow tae the head, a push down the stairs, an electric heater chucked in the bath, or something that looks like a climbing accident."

  "If he had come with us," said Heather eagerly, "we could have pushed him overboard and said it was an accident."

  "What about Mr. MacPherson there?" said Hamish, jerking his thumb at the surly man at the tiller.

  "We would need to pay him hush money," said Heather.

  She was told sharply by her mother to be quiet, but the fish weren't biting and somehow the subject of killing Bob Harris just wouldn't go away. Miss Gunnery raised a laugh by saying the food at the boarding-house was enough to kill anyone, and that started a discussion of the various methods of poisoning, from simple broken glass in the pudding to arsenic in the tea.

  Hamish was relieved when they drifted into a shoal of mackerel and shrieks of excitement as the fish were landed drove thoughts of murder out of the heads of the party. Hamish agreed as they made their way back to the harbour that he would phone the hotel and tell the Rogerses that he would cook the mackerel for their tea. They ate sandwiches in the pub and then headed home with their catch, Hamish having found out that there was to be a dance in the Church of Scotland hall that evening and suggesting they all go. Dermott said he would stay behind with the children so that June could have a night out. They seemed to have the ideal marriage.

  He did not expect that Doris would be able to go with them, but Bob Harris was absent from the tea table as they laughed and joked and ate grilled mackerel and voted Hamish cook of the year.

  They gathered in the lounge to sort out who would go in which car. Cheryl and Tracey were both wearing very short black leather skirts with very high heels and skimpy tops with plunging necklines. Their blonded hair had been backcombed and left to stand on end. Miss Gunnery was a surprise. She had left off her glasses and her brown hair was combed down to her shoulders, soft and wavy. She was wearing a plain white blouse and black skirt and modest heels but she looked softer and more vulnerable. June was amazing in a shocking-pink chiffon dress with thin straps and a fake diamond necklace. Doris Brett had brushed down her hair and put on a plain black dress. She had a very good figure and Hamish noticed gloomily that Andrew Biggar was taking in that fact as well.

  Miss Gunnery asked Hamish to drive her car, saying she couldn't see a thing without her glasses. Cheryl and Tracey went with them.

  Hamish had thought it would be a sort of ceilidh with reels and country dances, but it turned out to be a d
isco full of thin, badly nourished teenagers, brought up on a diet of bread and frozen food. Scotland has one of the worst diets in the world, shunning fresh fruit and green vegetables. Scotland is also famous for bad teeth and Hamish noticed that some of the young teenagers had dentures. The old idea still prevailed. If you have a toothache, get the tooth extracted.

  "I can't do that sort of dancing," said Miss Gunnery. "They look like a lot of dervishes."

  "Oh, you jist throw yourself around," said Hamish amiably. "Follow me."

  His long, gangling figure threw itself this way and that, and since his movements seemed to have absolutely nothing to do with the beat of the music, the others joined him on the floor. If Hamish could make such a fool of himself, then they could, too.

  It turned out to be a happy evening, and the teenagers who came up to talk to them turned into ordinary pleasant young people. One youth approached Hamish and whispered, "Hey, Mac, we got a drink outside." Glad to see some of the old Highland traditions still existed, Hamish followed him outside, where he joined a group of youths. One passed him a half bottle of Scotch and Hamish took a hearty swig.

  "Nice to see young people still around the villages," he said. "I thought you would all be in town for the evening."

  "We hiv our ain fun," said one, proving it by lighting up a joint. "Fancy a bit o' skirt, grand-dad?"

  Hamish, who was in his thirties, ignored the "grand-dad" and the smell of cannabis. He was on holiday, and unless someone slew someone in front of him, he did not plan to become a policeman again until the holiday was over.

  "I'm with my own party," he said amiably.

  "Och, them," said the youth derisively. "I mean bint, get a leg ower."

  "Oh," said Hamish, the light dawning. "You mean a brothel."

  "Aye, Maggie Simpson's, down the end of the main street."

  Hamish wondered suddenly if that had been the house he had seen Bob Harris leaving. "Not tonight," he said. He crossed the road to the pub, bought a half bottle of whisky, and returned and passed it around. He found that not one of the youths was employed, that all dreamt of going to London or Glasgow. The boredom of their days was alleviated by a combination of drink, hash, and videos. And yet they seemed a nice enough bunch. A generation or two ago, before the dole was enough to drink on, they would have found work in fishing or farming. But they were as much slaves to pleasure and idleness as any dilettante aristocrat of a century ago.

  He went back into the church hall and stared in delight at the spectacle of Miss Gunnery dancing with a slim leather-clad youth. Miss Gunnery appeared to have left her inhibitions behind with her glasses and hairpins. She was shaking and moving with the best of them. In a dark corner of the hall, Doris and Andrew were sitting side by side, talking intensely.

  He took June Brett up for a dance, but she said she couldn't abide "this modern stuff" and insisted on shuffling around trying to get him to do a foxtrot to a disco beat.

  Hamish could not but help feeling pleased with himself. He knew his efforts were making it a happy holiday, even for such as the dreadful Cheryl and Tracey, who were dancing with stiff stork-like movements in their very high heels, their faces animated under their masks of dead-white make-up and purple eye-shadow.

  It certainly never crossed his mind that this would be their last happy evening together, and that he himself would do something before the night was out that would start a chain of events leading to murder.

  3

  Fighting is all a mistake, friend Eric,

  And has been so since the age Homeric . . .

  —Adam Lindsay Gordon

  When they arrived back at the boarding-house, Hamish noticed the way Doris's anxious eyes flew to an upstairs window. A light was shining out into the odd twilight which replaces darkness in a northern summer. That would be her room, thought Hamish, the one at the front, next to mine.

  Inside, he said his good-nights and made his way upstairs and then took Towser out along the beach for a walk. As soon as he returned to his room, he heard Bob Harris's voice, loud and clear. "What the hell do you think you were doing, dressing up like a tart? Get that muck off your face. You look like a whore. A dance in a church? Are you out of your head? I don't know why I put up with you. You make me sick. You go around making sheep's eyes at men, but no one notices you. You're insignificant. Always were. God knows why I married you."

  Doris whimpered something and then began to cry. The nag's voice went on. "Of course, you think that Biggar chap is interested in you but he's just playing the gallant officer and gentleman. Never been married, I should guess. Too much fun with the chaps, if you ask me."

  Then Doris's voice, shrill and defiant, "He's not gay! You're horrible."

  There was the sound of a smack, followed by a wail of pain from Doris.

  Without stopping to think, Hamish went next door and hammered on it. Bob Harris opened the door, his face flushed with drink.

  "What do you want?" he snarled.

  Hamish shouted, "Look, man, I'm trying to have a peaceful night, and if you don't stop nagging your wife, I'll kill you, you bastard!"

  The normally mild-mannered Hamish heard the echoes of his voice echoing around the silent house, the listening house.

  "You long drip of nothing!" Bob Harris swung a punch at Hamish, who blocked it and then socked him right in the nose.

  "Jist shut up!" roared Hamish.

  He went back to his room and slammed the door.

  An almost eerie silence fell on the boarding-house. Hamish shrugged. He hoped that would shut the nag up for the rest of the holiday.

  The residents of The Friendly House awoke to a new day. Mr. Rogers, enjoying the first cup of coffee of the day, said to his wife, "Did you hear that rumpus last night?"

  "Aye," said Mrs. Rogers. "I heard that Macbeth fellow threatening to kill Harris."

  "Someone should kill him." Mr. Rogers moodily stirred his coffee, a new brand, miles cheaper than anything else on the market and tasting as if it were made from dandelion roots instead of coffee beans. "D'ye know what he said to me last night, afore his wife came back wi' the others?"

  Mrs. Rogers was silent. She had heard all about what Bob Harris had said to her husband, but to point this out would just make him furious. Like most men with a bad memory, Mr. Rogers considered that everyone else in general and his wife in particular were the ones with bad memories.

  "He says to me, he says, 'I am going to report your place to the tourist board as a cheap-skate outfit. The food's vile.' Can you credit that? Cheek! The place is the cheapest in Scotland for the price. Whit does he expect, champagne and caviare?"

  "Can't stop him," said Mrs. Rogers.

  Mr. Rogers stirred his coffee ferociously. "Ho, no? We'll see about that."

  "Was that our Hamish on the war-path?" June asked Dermott as she dressed Fiona.

  "He was saying as how he would kill Bob and then I think he socked him one."

  "I can't see Hamish hitting anyone. Probably that bastard was punching Doris at the time."

  "Hamish said he would kill him."

  "Not a bad idea. You know what Bob's threatening to do?"

  Dermott walked to the window and looked out. His fat face was creased with worry. "He wouldn't actually do it, June. Would he?"

  "I don't know. How will we stop him?"

  "Maybe Hamish will kill him," said Dermott with a harsh laugh. "That would solve all our problems."

  Miss Gunnery, Andrew, Cheryl and Tracey were the first in the breakfast-room. Cheryl's eyes gleamed with excitement. "Well, whit did ye think o' last night?"

  "I enjoyed the dance," said Miss Gunnery, primly shaking out her paper napkin and noticing with a frown that it was the same one she had had since she arrived. Surely the Rogerses did not expect one paper napkin each to last the whole stay?

  "Wisnae talking about the dance, wis we, Tracey?" said Cheryl. "Its aboot Hamish. Did ye hear the row?"

  "I never listen to other people's conversations," said Mis
s Gunnery repressively.

  "Ye couldnae miss hearing it," pointed out Tracey. "First it was Bob giving Doris laldy, saying as how Andrew was a poofter. Then Hamish tells him to shut it and next thing I hears is Hamish saying he'll kill him and the sound of a blow."

  "I am amazed such as Bob Harris has managed to live this long," said Miss Gunnery. "Mr. Macbeth is a gentleman and no doubt the provocation was great. Do you not think so, Mr. Biggar?"

  Andrew looked up from the book he was reading. "The man bores me," he said shortly. "But, yes, he ought to be put down."

  They fell silent as Bob Harris came in on his own. Cheryl and Tracey stared avidly at his swollen nose. Then Hamish entered, said a cheerful, "Good morning" all round and took his place at the table.

  He was just about to strike up a conversation with Miss Gunnery, mainly to ignore the glowering looks he was getting from Bob, when two policemen entered the dining-room, and behind them came Doris, who slipped quietly into her chair.

  "Mr. Harris?" asked the first policeman, looking around.

  "That's me," said Bob truculently.

  "I am Police Constable Paul Crick, and this is Police Constable Peter Emett. You phoned the station this morning?"

  "Yes." Bob Harris got to his feet. "I want to charge this man, Hamish Macbeth, with assault."

  "Which is Mr. Macbeth?"

  Hamish stood up as well.

  "Well," said Paul Crick, "if you two gentlemen will jist step outside."

  "You can use the lounge," said Mr. Rogers.

  He ushered the small party across the hall.

  "Tell us what happened," said Crick after he had closed the door of the lounge on Mr. Rogers. "We'll begin at the beginning. Your name is Mr. Robert Harris, is it not?"

  "Yes."

  "Your address?"

  "Elmlea, South Bewdley Road, Evesham."

  "Aye, that would be in Worcestershire."

  "Correct."

  "Job?"

  "Double-glazing salesman."

  Crick turned to Hamish. Hamish knew he would need to tell them he was a policeman. They would probably haul him off down to the station. The very idea that one of their own had been involved in any misdemeanor was enough to make them more harsh than they would be towards an ordinary member of the public.