All the Wrong Choices

by C. A. Harms

  How can I not feel something for him? Even when he thought I was using him, when he thought I was this cold person who was only searching for a physical connection, he remained attentive and sweet.

  I took and took, but I never gave anything in return. At least not what mattered. I was Matthew in that scenario, and it makes me feel sick.

  "So," she gives up, waiting for my reply. "What about those tacos?"

  Reaching out, she hooks her arm over my shoulders, and I give in, laying my head over to rest against hers. "Can we go through the drive-thru instead?"

  She laughs, hugging me tighter. "Yeah," Gina begins leading me toward the front door, "but you're buying."

  I owe her that at least, she handed my ass to me, no hesitation. She didn't sugarcoat the situation, she didn't try to make me feel better. She was honest, and sometimes honesty is ugly.

  Chapter Twenty-Five

  Jonah

  “This is Heather,” Tucker points toward the brunette who sits opposite me at the tall table. She offers me a shy smile.

  “Hey,” I didn’t agree to a blind date. I showed up thinking I was meeting two friends for a few drinks and conversation. This week has been shit, and the weekend has started out even shittier. I found one of Dani’s earrings buried in between the cushions of my couch and hit a low point.

  The earring did not survive.

  That’s what led me to Flannigan’s. It’s always been a place me and my friends hung out in often. Before Addison, Tony would have been by my side. It’s hard being around him right now because seeing Addi reminds me of Dani, and right now, I need to clear my head of her.

  Jerking to the side, when I feel someone poke my hip, I spin around just in time for Avery to slip by. Moving in quick to Tucker’s side, he shields her from my retaliation, and I narrow my eyes at her, only to get a childish sneer as she wrinkles her nose and sticks out her tongue.

  Seeing one of my closest friends with my little sister was hard at first, but Tucker is good to her. He’s protective, and I know she is safe with him, so after hassling him for months, I stood back and let it happen. That was four years ago, and now she constantly has a smile on her face.

  “Hey Heather,” Avery moves in and offers the girl a hug, and I observe them. My sister is in on this as she looks over at me and wags her eyebrows. Sneaky assholes thought they were brilliant.

  “I need a drink,” She hooks her arm through Tucker’s and tugs him toward the bar. “Come on, you’re my wallet.”

  He laughs but doesn’t hesitate to leave me alone with Heather. I notice how she is watching me, and no, I may not have been feeling the conversation thing, but I can’t just ignore her. So I move around, sitting on the barstool next to her. “How do you know Tucker?”

  “Our moms grew up together,” when she smiles, I notice the small gap between her two front teeth and quickly look back to her eyes.

  Dani had perfect teeth.

  I ignore the nagging voice in my head and try to focus on Heather instead.

  “Which meant he and I were forced to be around each other often growing up. He’s that annoying older brother figure who drove me crazy. Still does,” she shrugs.

  “He has that way about him.” I lift my beer to my lips and take a slow pull. We talk a little more, her telling me about being in nursing school and me trying like hell not to run through the plan to help her straighten her teeth. It’s an annoying habit of mine but something I can’t manage to shut down.

  Her brown hair is long, hanging over her shoulders in soft waves, and being this close, I’ll admit, she smells nice too. Vanilla and maybe a hit of something spicy, and if she smiles without parting her lips, she’s not bad looking.

  She doesn’t have the gorgeous eyes I can’t seem to wipe from my memory or the full heart-shaped lips that I love to kiss, but she isn’t bad looking. My problem is every woman I’ve seen over the last week, I’ve compared to a certain woman who left me standing in my entryway while she walked away carrying my heart.

  Tonight, though unexpected, is a nice distraction. We’ve paired off and are playing teams. While Avery and Tucker demolish Heather and I in a few pool games, we school them in a few rounds of darts.

  We end the night with me tucking Heather into the front seat of her car with the promise to meet for coffee the next day. Though I may not feel the uncontrollable lust and desire I’ve always felt with Dani, I find Heather is very interesting to talk to. I figure it can’t hurt to have something to take my mind off the heavy feeling in my chest reminding me Dani and I are over.

  When Heather drives off, I turn to find Avery leaning against the side of my car, with her ankles crossed, watching me with curiosity. Tucker is a few feet away carrying on with some guy he ran into, and I know the questions are about to begin. Avery always has the same look on her face when she has something to say. That focused look, as if analyzing me very carefully. Narrowed eyes, staring at me with purpose.

  Stepping closer, I join her while leaning back against my fender and crossing my arms over my chest. “Go ahead,” forever trying to ensure her older brother meets his forever girl, and she is a little pushy on most days. Much like my mother, they are nosy and like to bully me into sharing my feelings.

  I’ll give a little tonight because, to be honest, I have had shit bottled up for days, and Avery is the closest thing I have to a female best friend.

  “You look sad,” she bumps her shoulder to mine, and I nod, not trying to hide my feelings. “I know you said there wasn’t a girl,” she turns her body more toward mine, and I look over, our eyes locking immediately. “But I think maybe there is.”

  “Was,” I correct her and watch as her eyes widened a little at my confession.

  “Not anymore?”

  “It’s complicated, Av,” so fucking complicated.

  “Do you love her?” I hold her stare, letting her question linger around in my mind.

  “I think had I been given a chance; I could have.” I know without a doubt Dani would be consuming. Hell, I wasn’t that far from throwing away my dreams to have her give me a small part of herself. I was desperate, and maybe I still am.

  I can tell Avery wants to ask more, but instead, she leans into me and looks up at me with a smile. “If she can’t see what a catch my big brother is, then, in my opinion, she can’t be all that great.”

  If only it were true, because Danielle is everything. Life would be easier if she were some horrible person, but the fact of the matter is, she is a wronged woman with trust issues. Dani is a woman who feels like having a little is better than ever being hurt again. She shut down, managing to convince herself that keeping her heart out of the mix is the only way to be happy.

  What hurts the most is I know she isn’t happy. I think if she and I had parted and she was out there somewhere living her life to the fullest, it would be easier for me to let go and move on myself. But I know she is even more closed off now than she was before.

  Addison has taken sides, and that alone, I know, is a significant hit for Dani. Those two are closer than sisters, and without her to turn to, who did Dani have. Addison should be with her, but from what Tony has told me, they’ve barely talked.

  “Her name is Danielle,” I don’t know what possesses me to say anything at all, but it is out of my mouth before I have the chance to think it over. “She was in a relationship with a real douche bag, and it ended badly.”

  “So she’s not ready to try again?”

  “I don’t know if she ever will be.”

  “So you’re just supposed to wait and hope one day she might want more?” I can tell Avery is trying not to be defensive on my part, but like me, she has a trigger switch when it comes to protecting someone she loves.

  “Slow down, killer,” I chuckle, and she narrows her eyes at me. “There’s no waiting; it ended before it even really got started.”

  For the longest time, she watches me, still analyzing my words. Seeing right through me, she pushes off the car and
turns her body to step in front of me. “Then why do you look like you just lost the love of your life?”

  That is the golden question.

  Because maybe I have.

  Chapter Twenty-Six

  Danielle

  "He's dating a girl named Heather," that statement is like the most brutal kick to the stomach. It feels like the wind is knocked out of me, and the nauseous feeling it causes threatens to cripple me on the spot. "Tony says they've been out a few times, mostly lunch or coffee, but I guess Jonah said they're getting to know one another."

  It's the exact opposite of what we had done, and I can't help but wonder if he's decided to do it all differently this time.

  "She's a little younger than him, at twenty-three, but working two jobs to put herself through nursing school."

  I find myself nodding even though Addison can't see me.

  She and I have only talked a couple of times over the last few weeks, primarily short conversations when traveling to and from work. Things still feel forced, and part of me would prefer to avoid the discussion altogether, but I'll suffer because I miss her like crazy.

  "I haven't met her, but I think he's invited her over this weekend, and Tony said something about he and I being invited for dinner too."

  "Sounds nice," I bite my lower lip hard, needing the sting to drown out my emotions. "But if they've requested you bring a dish, you should order out or let Tony make it."

  "I'm not that bad of a cook." She retorts, and I wait for her to accept the truth. "Okay fine, I burn water."

  "Exactly," I join in on her laughter, being reminded of how much I've missed the sound of it.

  "I'm safe, though, because Heather is making dinner." And the happiness is short-lived as I'm once again thrust back into the images of Jonah with another woman. "Her parents own a restaurant in Charleston or something, and she grew up knowing how to cook."

  I wasn't sure what to say in return, so instead, I remained quiet. I'm losing my best friend to a girl I don't know and the man who could have been mine.

  "This is so awkward," again, I nod. "I miss my friend." And that alone breaks me as I hold my breath and let the tears fall. "I just want you to be happy, Dani, and I think he made you happy, even though you fought it so hard."

  "Ad," I can't even finish her name as I pull the phone away from my ear and take in a slow deep breath. "I'm okay," I force the words out. "I'm fine."

  I'm not, she knows this, but I don't give her a chance to tell me I'm lying to myself if I think I'm in a good place. "I'm going over to my parents for dinner tonight."

  "You're what?" By the tone of her voice alone, I know what she is thinking. "I bet I won't even make it to the main course."

  "Why are you doing this to yourself?"

  I wondered the same thing many times, but regardless of how much I hate what has happened, they are the only family I have. Part of me hopes to forgive them, and maybe it will allow me to find the peace I've been missing. Maybe I'll find closure and be able to move on without all this weight I've felt pressing in around me.

  I have to move on. I need to.

  "I may never forgive Cathryn or Matthew, I know I'll never have that bonding type of relationship with my mother I've wished my whole life for, but the hate, it isn't doing me any good. It's only managed to make my life an even bigger mess than it was several months ago." I'm referring to Jonah and me, but I don't need to tell her that. "So this is the first step toward me letting it all go."

  "I say you kick him in the nuts and her in the nose, but that's just me."

  I hear Tony in the background and know she's reached her destination. It is the same every time we talk. When she got to Tony's, we'd end the call. I know he dislikes me, and I can't say I blame him. Had the roles been reversed and he did to Addison what I did to his best friend, I would hate him too.

  "I love you Addi," I think I surprise her with my confession, but I feel like I need to tell her. She is silent for far too long before she whispers in return, I love you.

  When the call ends, I sit in my car outside the school, still unable to go home. It's too quiet there, and though I have plans tonight, my apartment only reminds me of the fact that by choice, I am alone.

  I've foregone the sexy dresses, feeling less like the confident woman I was when I had Jonah to make me feel that way. Instead, I choose a nice pair of fitted Capri pants and an off-the-shoulder short-sleeved sweater. I paired it with my comfortable sandals and just left my hair down. It has begun to grow out a little, and I've decided to let it grow. Nothing more than a touch-up here or there of the color. I didn't even take the time to redo my makeup.

  Lightly knocking on the door, it opens in a hurry, and my father stands before me, giving me a skeptical look. "Why are you knocking?"

  "Because I don't live here."

  "But this will always be your home," he insists, and because I'm trying to be mature, I don't laugh.

  "I think we both know this was never really a home for me," His head tilted slightly, almost like he feels a slight sense of shame. "But I'm here now, so let's eat."

  I'm not good at this, the chit-chat and making pleasantries, not with my family anyway. I grew up in this house; yes, much too soon, but I never felt welcome. I'd been on my own during all the things a daughter would usually need her mother's help. It was learning on my own or listening to my mother criticize and compare me to my sister. I honestly don't know what I ever did to not be good enough, but one day it was like I became nothing special, and Cathryn became the world. That has never changed since there were no equals; no, I love you both the same; you both make me proud. It has always been about Cat, what she needs, her dance recitals, her sweet sixteen, prom, and all the memories, blah blah.

  I gave up trying long ago because what was the point? I was always disappointed in the end anyway.

  As I enter the dining room, all conversation stops, and both Matthew and Cathryn look up from the intense discussion they are having with my mother. "Please," I wave my hand out in a, go ahead and continue on manner, "don't stop on my account."

  "I think maybe we should hold off until later to—" Matt seems slightly uncomfortable. He has the nerve to look at me apologetically, which I find humorous.

  "Nonsense," my mother insists, picking up her wine and taking a sip. "Weddings take time to plan, and with Cathryn already beginning to show, we need to work fast. We don't want anyone to think this is some event we are putting on for show."

  "Well, that's what it is, isn't it?" They all look at me, my father entering the room behind me. "A shotgun wedding for the ex soon-to-be brother-in-law who knocked up the little sister of the almost bride and mommy dearest doesn't want anyone thinking her little princess is a slut who should have remembered to pop a pill while she was banging her sister's fiancé."

  I let out a breath after the mouth full. Damn, that felt better than I thought it would.

  "I think I'm okay with never being good enough for you. I used to lose sleep over it, I wondered what I had to do to get you to love me, but honestly, I don't care anymore. Because if what it takes to be accepted is for me to hurt and destroy people who don't deserve it, then I'll pass. I'd rather live my entire life without a family than stoop to the level that every one of you has." They are staring at me, open-mouthed. "Nothing about this is acceptable. You're all pathetic in your own way, and part of me feels sorry for each of you. What kind of person is so unhappy with themselves they have to make everybody around them so miserable? And what kind of mother makes it okay for one daughter to sleep with the other's fiancé behind her back? What kind of parent at all takes sides? The only person I feel sorry for in this entire situation is that baby," I point to my sister. "It didn't ask to be born into this mess, and already there's no hope. You will raise that baby without compassion and grace. It's a shame really, all of it is."

  "I think it's time for you to leave," my mother slaps the table making the silverware rattle from the impact.

  "I think s
o too," I shrug and push back from the table, lifting my wine glass to drain the contents. "Cathryn," she looks up at me, her eyes wide, "I used to wish you and I were close. I used to dream of what it would be like to have a little sister I could share secrets with and stand by no matter what. But the truth is, I believe you and I, never had a chance. There was a wedge driven between us on the very first day they brought you home. Being sisters was never in the cards for us. You were mom's second chance because I was too stubborn to let her control me."

  "Danielle," my mother harshly whispers my name in a warning, and it no longer sends chills throughout my body. I don't care any longer. She wants to intimidate me, and frankly, I did come to my parents thinking maybe we can all be civil in some form. But my mother looks at it as just one more way to make me feel inadequate and second best.

  I'm falling apart at the seams, and I know this. I can feel it. I feel so out of control, and frankly, it scares me a little. I'm reacting before I think, anger filling me before I gain the chance to tame it.

  I'm a disaster in the making, and quite frankly, I no longer care.

  Chapter Twenty-Seven

  Jonah

  With my fingers linking with Heather's, I pull open the door to Russo's and lead her inside. She looks back over her shoulder and smiles at me, and again my sole focus goes straight to her two front teeth. You'd think after several weeks of dating, I'd find something else to hold my attention by now.

  Things with Heather are easy. There is no tension or expectations. There is also no sex, just a few kisses at the end of a night, and honestly, it's good enough for me. I want to want her the way I wanted Dani, I want to crave her, but there is always a sense of weighted tension holding me back.

  "I'm going to run to the ladies' room," Heather steps in closer to me and lifts on her tiptoes to press a kiss to my jaw. "Will you order me a red wine and tell Avery and Tucker I'll only be a minute?"