Writing Our Love

by Sammi Cee

  Shayna

  Fifteen

  Shay

  The last week has been…strange. Personally, I was so proud of Eli when he announced to Cooper and me that he wanted to go home and face his parents. When he said he wanted us to go, too, so that they could get to know us, we told him how brave we thought he was, and we all cuddled on the couch watching a movie.

  The following days were peaceful. We reflected on my daughter’s visit. They told me how much they loved Shelly, and I told them how much I loved Dottie. The girls called me to tell me how much they loved Coop and Eli. It was like a big freaking love fest, and I couldn’t be more pleased.

  But this morning after, Coop had left for work, Eli had called and asked if I knew what was bothering Coop. I had noticed he was being a little distant and quieter than normal, but nobody can be on all the time, so I was leaving him be. However, when Eli told me that Coop had been up having a cup of coffee early this morning and had only given Eli a little kiss on the cheek, then headed to shower, I knew Eli was right. If there is one thing that Coop hates about our different schedules, it’s that lovey leaves so early in the morning, and many mornings, we don’t wake up more than to tell him to have a good day. For him to be awake and not take advantage of a little Eli time, unheard of.

  “What’s the sigh about?” Coop asks as he walks into the living room.

  “Oh, I didn’t realize you were home. Hi, sweets.”

  He walks over to the couch and picks me up, depositing me on his lap and snuggling into the crook of my shoulder. His arms are like tight bands around my body, and as much as I enjoy being close to him like this, something about it feels off to me.

  “Coop?”

  “Hmm?”

  I stroke my fingers through his hair, then wrap my hand around his neck, grounding him. After a minute, he exhales and his arms loosen to a normal hold. “Sweets, you want to talk about it?”

  “About what? I’m good.”

  Coming into the living room from the shower, Eli says, “Well, that’s obviously not true, so why don’t you cut the shit and tell us what’s wrong?” As Coop goes to protest, Eli continues, “Don’t even try it. We can’t make this work if we’re not all completely honest with each other. You’ve been saying that since day one, but now you’re upset by something and you’re not sharing. So spill it.”

  Eli sits right next to us as he’s talking, and Coop leans his head back against the cushion. He remains silent long enough for me to question whether he’s going to talk about it. Eli moves his hand up to rub along Coop’s forearm, and Coop stares down at it before rolling his head against the couch to cut his eyes over to Eli. The silence is getting awkward now. Is it that serious? Is Coop not happy with our arrangement?

  “Coop, baby, what is it? Is it me? Did I do something wrong?” Eli whispers, his voice thick with tears.

  Coop lets go of me to turn the arm Eli is stroking over and grip him. He chokes out what suspiciously sounds like a sob, and finally speaks, “That’s the first time you’ve ever called me baby, you know?”

  Startled, Eli says, “Okay…is that…um… is that not okay?”

  With a faint smile, Coop says, “Yeah, I like it.” They’re both speaking so softly, I’d be worried if I couldn’t see the love that exists between them. Suddenly, the dots connect in my mind, and I know what’s bothering Coop. It’s amazing to me that it hadn’t dawned on me before, but my relationship with them is so new that the full impact of how Eli’s family could react to us hadn’t occurred to me. Coop murmurs, “I like it a lot actually.” And he lets Eli’s arm go as he lays his head back again and closes his eyes.

  Eli’s plaintive eyes connect with mine, questioning what’s wrong with Coop. “Coop,” I say. “You’re going to have to tell us what’s bothering you. No one can read your mind.” Although, I suspect I have, but I really don’t have the same fears Coop does. I’m a mom. I’ve listened to Eli’s stories about his shady past, heard him speak of the heartbreak of not being able to reconnect with his family, but I’ve heard something that they don’t realize. His parents are hurting from not being able to reconnect with him, too.

  Coop

  Damn! I thought I was playing off how upset I am better. I really thought calling Sean the other day and talking through all of this with him had helped me keep it from these two. Now I’m gonna sound like an idiot. Or worse, Eli’s gonna think I don’t have faith in him, in his feelings for us, and that’s not true. Well, I guess it is a little, or I wouldn’t be so upset right now.

  “Coop?” Hearing the pain in Eli’s voice is more than I can bear.

  “Eli, what if… what if we go to your parent’s house and they say you can’t be with us?”

  “What? This is about my parents? That’s what’s wrong with you?” he demands.

  As I straighten up on the couch to be able to face him while we hammer this out, Shay adjusts and pulls her legs up to spread across Eli’s lap. Even in the midst of worrying about potential heartbreak, I can appreciate her penchant for always keeping us close, joined together somehow.

  “Yes, that’s what’s bothering me. Eli, in all these years you’ve never once taken me to your family home. Hell, you didn’t go unless you absolutely had to. And every time you came back to me, you were withdrawn for a few days. You’d distance yourself from everyone. It could be days before you were back to yourself. And when, or rather, if you opened up about your visit, you were filled with pain and so scared you’d never have a real relationship with them again. What if we go and they don’t approve and want you to stay there with them? What if we go and you decide to leave us? To leave me?”

  Tears fill my eyes and I don’t try to stop them. Eli’s been a part of me for almost half my life. He’s been by my side through the good times and the bad. He was with me when my father died. The person I leaned on. Being embarrassed that the thought of losing him is breaking my heart isn’t an option.

  “Oh, Coop.” When I look back toward him from the spot I’ve been staring at on the wall, his lips are shaping into my favorite grin. The one that says he’s happy and content. Suddenly, I’m not sure if I’m relieved to see it or pissed off that he can look so peaceful when I’m about to lose my shit.

  “I guess I haven’t made myself clear enough. I apologize for that. Coop, I love you. I think I’ve been in love with you since you first showed me kindness, even when I was such a surly ass. You’ve been my guide even when you weren’t around to know it. You’ve never made me feel less than and you’ve never, not once, not even when you left the military, and you thought you did, you’ve never let me down. When I’m sad, my first thought for fifteen years has been to call you, when I’m excited, my first thought is to call you. Baby, my every thought is to call you.”

  The tears are streaming down Eli and my face now. As he reaches over and grabs Shay’s hand, giving her a tremulous smile, he continues, “And then you added this beautiful woman to the mix. Where we’re both hard, she’s soft, physically and emotionally. She makes everything that surrounds us beautiful. The little things I didn’t know were so important, she taught me by just doing them. It sounds dumb, but I get pleasure from cleaning up after dinner. Feeling like I’m contributing to us,” he motions his other hand to encompass all three of us, “gives me something I’ve been searching for. I feel…included, like I’m a part and not a burden.”

  “Baby, you’ve never been a burden to me,” I tell him.

  Smiling at me sweetly, he says, “I know you’ve always said that, and deep down, I even know you believe it. But I’ve always felt like a burden. I’ve always felt like you’ve had to take care of me. But watching Shay,” and he turns that sweet smile on her, “and you together, and her allowing me to step right in like I was already a part has helped heal some of my broken heart. For the first time, I don’t feel like baggage you have to carry around. I feel like I can contribute to this.”

  Before he goes any further, there is something he has to understand. “
Eli, my dad getting sick was the worst thing that could’ve happened to me. He was the only family I had. The only person I’d ever counted on. When he was diagnosed, and I came to him and asked him what I was gonna do without him, expressed how alone I felt, you know what he said?” I wait for Eli’s shake of the head before continuing, “He said, ‘you can never truly be alone, son. You have Eli and you two boys are each other’s family, have been for a while.’ He hadn’t even finished saying it and I felt lighter because I knew that was the truth.”

  “You never told me.”

  I snort. “Yeah, cause that’s the kinda stuff we talked about.”

  Shay says, “Wait. But you two always talk things through. You really never spoke about how much your relationship means to each other?”

  “Precious, we’re guys. The fact we said we were best friends all the time was already a little weird.”

  Eli laughs, winking at me. “Yeah, definitely weird. Gross. Why did we say that all the time?”

  Eli

  As Coop smiles at me, I know why we said it all the time. This love, though unexpressed, had always been there. Coop gathers Shay closer to his chest and scoots up even more, pulling me into the two of them. With our faces all close, he says, “I love you, too, Eli. Always have.” He leans in to give me the sweetest kiss we’ve ever shared. Like with our friendship, he’s gentle with me, exploring the inside of my mouth slowly and thoroughly until a groan erupts from low in my throat.

  Pulling back and tapping his forehead to mine, his eyes shift to Shay. “Love you, too, precious-girl.” Then he leans in and ravages her mouth with an intensity that has her panting in seconds. The differences in how he loves us somehow make it feel like more. Like his love for us individually is special and unique without in anyway taking away from his love for us together.

  As soon as they pull apart, Shay reaches up and frames my face with her hands, before she can say a word, I say, “Shayna, thank you for loving me the way you do. There is not one moment when I’m with you or when you call or text me that I don’t know that I’m an important part of this relationship to you. I love you so much, Shay.”

  The next thing I know, she’s clambered off of Coop’s lap and slid onto mine knocking me backward. “I love you. I love you. I love you.” She repeats while she sprinkles kisses all over my face. I can hear Coop laughing above us and it occurs to me that they’re making me as goofy as they are. Huh. My thoughts are lost as she goes from playful to nuzzling my neck and licking up my neck to my ear. Turning my head, I catch her lips in a kiss that goes from sugary to scorching hot in a matter of minutes.

  Coop moves around off the couch to kneel by my side and leans down. We’re getting better at making this three-way kissing stuff work as I adjust my head and Coop angles his head. We all break away when Shay giggles from one too many head bumps, and I’m pretty sure Coop just bit my tongue. Although, knowing him, he did that on purpose.

  “So, what are we gonna do about your family?” Shay asks as she plants her chin on her hands on my chest.

  “We’re gonna do like Eli planned,” Coop says with a smile. “He can handle this because we’ll be there with him. And if—”

  “When, you mean,” I interrupt.

  “If,” says Shay.

  “Exactly, if it doesn’t go well, then it’s okay. We’ll all be there together.”

  “Shel and Dottie are coming, too. I didn’t ask, yet, why Dottie can miss another holiday with her own family, but Shel said they’d be back here in time to ride with us to Eli’s parents’ house for Christmas Eve dinner.”

  “Yeah?” I lean back from her, it’s shocking to me how quickly her daughter adjusted to Coop and my presence in her life.

  “Of course, we’re family, right?” Shay gives me a quick peck. “And Shel said it was important to Dottie to be there for you, lovey. I think you made quite an impression on her.”

  When Coop grunts, I look at him curiously. “What’s that about?”

  “Nothing.” If I didn’t know better, I’d think he was pouting.

  “Coop? Baby? What’s wrong with you?”

  “Well, I don’t know. What do we know about her?” he asks.

  Looking shocked, Shay turns her head to peer at him. “You didn’t like her? I thought she was lovely and perfect for my daughter.”

  “She is perfect for your daughter.”

  Apparently, I’m missing something because Shay starts to giggle before saying, “Oh, Coop. This jealous side of you is adorable. Who knew you were such a worry-wart?”

  Grumbling, Coop says, “Well, she did follow him around a lot. Even you noticed.”

  Slowly I catch on to his issue, and as ridiculous as it is, it fills me up inside even more than before. Coop’s always been the strong, stable one. The person I rely on most. My person no matter what. His worry is ridiculous since it would be easier for him to lose a limb than shake me out of his life. Situating Shay carefully to the inside of the couch, I pat my belly at Coop.

  “What?” he asks looking at my hand suspiciously.

  “Come here, Coop.”

  “There’s not enough room right now.” He still looks and sounds like a petulant child.

  Shay is full on laughing now, and I can’t blame her. This thing with my family really has him outside of himself. Turning on my side to face him, I reach down and grab his hand as Shay leans her chin on my shoulder. She’s sobered now, and we both regard him seriously, like he’s the most important person in our world, because he is.

  “Coop, you know what Dottie told me?” I ask. Before he’s done shaking his head, I’m continuing, “She told me that I remind her of her big brother, but that he hasn’t spoken to her since she told her family she’s a lesbian. She announced it to her family at sixteen thinking that with their unconditional love she could handle anything. And unfortunately, that wasn’t their reaction. They didn’t kick her out or anything, but she no longer was treated like part of the family.”

  Shay leans up a little to look down at me. “Wow, neither one of the girls told me. Oh, that poor thing.”

  “I don’t think she would have confided in me either, but like I said, she thought I reminded her of her brother. I think she…I think she needed to feel that kind of connection again. You know? I’m happy to give that to her if it helps.”

  Looking right above me at Shay, Coop says, “And this man wonders why I’ve kept him around all these years?”

  It’s been an emotional conversation. Hell, it’s been one wave of emotions since I’ve moved here. But we silence our words, and the rest of the night becomes about communicating our love, our devotion, and our commitment to each other with our bodies. Shay and I reassure Coop in every which way, and as I lay sated on one side of a sleeping Coop, I hear Shay murmur, “This man’s crazy if he thinks either one of us would give this up.” I smile into the darkness; I couldn’t agree more.

  Diary Excerpt

  It’s done, holy fucking shit, it’s done! Irene told me she’d help me upload it as soon as I’m ready. She’s been such a help.

  * * *

  We have so much going on in our lives right now that I’ve still told no one in my family about the book, but I have a file uploaded to my kindle to show them, I’m thinking maybe it’ll be a surprise on Christmas, maybe I’ll send it to all of their kindle accounts and tell them their extra gift has been sent to their kindle. I think I like that idea. They’re never going to believe I finished and didn’t tell them… but… I needed to do it this way. Of course, I’ll have Coop and Eli read it before I release it, after all, in many ways, this is our story.

  * * *

  In other news, Coop, Eli, and I sent out emails and messages inviting those closest to us over for New Year’s Eve. The invite started out detailing our new relationship and expressing how happy we are. We received a few replies asking if we were serious, and once we assured people we were, we received several congratulations. There are people who didn’t respond at all, which Coop s
ays is a good thing. If they can’t wrap their mind around our relationship, then we don’t need them in our lives right now. Eli didn’t include an invite for the party in his emails to his family, but he did detail our unique relationship and said that my daughter and her girlfriend would also be attending Christmas Eve dinner with him, if that was a problem please let him know. Apparently, his father replied for the whole family, short and sweet, “That’s fine.”

  * * *

  On my end, I was thrilled that Ruth’s response was that we’d be talking about me holding out on her. She also said that after reading my book she wasn’t shocked, she could feel the genuine love my characters had for each other. Maybe that’s why I had her read it first. I issued the invitation with the announcement to my writing group, too, assuming that no one except maybe Irene would be close enough to make it. I wasn’t surprised for them all to be super supportive, but I was shocked when not only Irene, but Carl said he would make it for NYE. He lives farther away, but him and his partner, Geoff, are planning to use it as an excuse for a little vacay. I’m so excited to meet them in person.

  * * *

  The funniest responses on my end were from my parents and my ex, all of whom I’d called personally to tell about the latest developments in my life. Mom was just thrilled I was no longer alone and didn’t care how many of us there were. Dad said I’d always moved to the beat of my own drummer. Daniel had asked if Shelly and I were trying to give him more gray hair with all these rapid changes in our lives, which I found especially amusing with his lack of hair, and Marcy asked if she could have another man, too. With all those kids, I’m sure she would love another person in the house. I did find it sweet, though, that after all these years my ex. would still worry enough about me for gray hair.