Becoming Us: Where It All Began.

by Amy Daws

  His face transforms, and his eyes hood with arousal. He reaches in between my legs, grabs a handful of tights by my inner thigh, twists the thin fabric, and pulls. Hard. The soft tear of the material sends a warm wetness straight to my center. I cry out a moan as he tears more, to clear the area for his entry. If ever there was a day I was glad I don’t wear underwear with tights…today is that day.

  I fumble the button on his jeans and in less than two seconds, he enters me hard and we both mew in ecstasy at the tight, wet welcome. He pumps in and out, slowly at first. His glossy eyes are locked on mine, allowing my body to adjust around him. When he captures my mouth with his lips again, he picks up speed and I break the kiss to release a loud, uninhibited moan.

  I lean back and pull his shirt off over his head, desperate to feel the skin-on-skin contact. I stop to kiss his chest quickly, before hugging him close to me again.

  “I need you to come,” he says, sounding demanding and angry. I look up into his serious gaze. I hate the frown I see on his face. Before I can think much more about it, he brings his hand between us and rubs roughly against my sensitive clit.

  “Brody!” I scream his name, feeling an almost painful orgasm rocket through me. The pleasure pain is all consuming. His serious expression turns menacing as he follows me with his own orgasm. He attempts to pull out, but I grip his hips with my legs and hug him closely to my naked chest as our breaths equalize.

  “I love us,” I whisper in his ear.

  He pulls his face back to look into my eyes, “I love us, too, Fin.” His expression looks sad and despondent. I hate it. I hate that I helped put it there.

  CHAPTER TWENTY-NINE

  I wake the next morning feeling unusually cold. I come to and Brody is nowhere to be found. I frown, looking around for him. I check my phone to see if there’s a text from him informing me of where he went. Nothing. That’s strange.

  After our kitchen encounter last night, Brody carried me to my bedroom and tucked us both in. I wanted to talk more about what happened, but he said he was exhausted and just wanted to hold me and fall asleep.

  Taio Cruz’s Dynamite ringtone blows up in my hand. I unlock it and see that it’s my sister.

  Cadence: What are you doing today?

  Me: Ummm, I was sleeping off a crippling hangover.

  And wondering where the hell my boyfriend is.

  Cadence: Not anymore! You’re meeting me in KC! George is staying home with the girls. Get yer ass up. Ditch the hot new boyfriend and get moving, I wanna do lunch.

  I glance over and see a white sheet of paper folded up and sticking out from under the blanket. I smile, knowing instantly it’s another special Brody note. I love Brody notes.

  Me: Okay, maybe. I’ll call you in a sec.

  Cadence: Hurry up!

  I lay back, getting comfortable and unfold Brody’s note.

  Finley,

  I’m sorry I’m not there to wake up with you this morning. It kills me to leave you sleeping in bed without me, but I couldn’t sleep all night.

  I frown and sit up, feeling suddenly nervous.

  I just don’t know if I can do this. All I can think about are his lips on yours. Seeing his hands on you. That killed me last night. You know my past now. You know this has happened to me before. I never would have expected it from you. That’s what hurts the most. Anyone, but you.

  I meant everything I said last night. I did want a forever with you. Kids, all of it. I’ve never had what I had with you in a relationship before. I didn’t even know I could feel this way. I’ve never met anyone that lights me up the way you do. You are amazing, beautiful, funny, strong, everything. Your heart opens so willingly. You are everything I always expected you to be.

  I thought waiting a year for you was enough, but last night just brought me right back to that ugly place I’ve been before. I hate that. I hate that I want to kill that guy right now. I hate that I look at you differently. I hate all of this.

  I need time to think right now. I can’t shake that image of you kissing him and I hate myself for it. Please, don’t come over. Don’t call. I need time. ~Brody

  I re-read the look at you differently line eight more times. My eyes sting with tears and I blink furiously, attempting to clear my vision. He’s seeing me differently now? I glance around my room, frantically. I don’t know what for. My hand quickly crumples the letter and I slam it against my chest, trying to relieve the instant ache that’s forming there. I slide off the bed and my legs give out from beneath me and I crumple into a ball on the floor. A loud sob explodes out of me. I rub the letter roughly over my head, trying to stop myself from hearing the words over and over in my mind. No. No! This can’t be happening. Brody can’t need time away from me!

  Anger suddenly boils up inside of me. I jump up and shove myself into some clothes. I storm out of my bedroom door and out into the Wildwood parking lot. My thoughts are wild and frantic. My feet carry me on a familiar path, to a place I’ve walked in and out of more times than I can count.

  I pound loudly on the door. “Open up! Now!” I shout as I continue to pound, not once stopping the rhythm—I actually bring my other fist up to pound more. “Come on! I know you’re in there! Open the hell up!” I shout even louder. I see a few other apartment doors open, trying to figure out what all the commotion is this early in the morning. The morning after homecoming is usually a ghost town at Wildwood as everyone sleeps off their hangovers. I’m definitely shaking things up.

  Finally the door swings open and I shoot daggers into a sleepy looking Jake. He rubs the top of his short dark hair and squints against the early morning sunlight.

  “What the hell, Finley?” he croaks out in a raspy morning voice.

  “Who the fuck do you think you are, Jake?” I yell loudly, only securing the stares of the curious neighbors.

  He looks at me, confused, his eyes drooping and haggard. He looks like shit. He looks hung over and sick. I could just punch him right now.

  “Stop fucking with me, Jake!” I screech, my temper boiling over. “Stop fucking talking to me! Stop fucking looking at me! Stop fucking moping in the desk beside me in class. Sit somewhere else! Just stop! Stop acting like you give two shits about me! FUCK!”

  “Finley, I…” he starts, but I cut him off.

  “You’re a shallow asshole. I’m not even friends with you anymore and you've figured out a way to ruin my life!” I scrape my hands into my messy brown hair, knowing I probably look like a mad woman right now, but not the least bit concerned.

  “I meant what I said last night,” he steps out of the doorway toward me.

  “I. DON’T. GIVE. A. FUCK. JAKE!” I shout, and then pause momentarily, trying to catch my breath. “I tried to say that to you last night but you wouldn’t listen. I’m in love with Brody. I’m in love. Real, tangible love. The kind of love that deserves my everything! Not this!” I gesture snottily between the two of us.

  Tears fill my eyes as I picture my beautiful Brody walking in on Jake and me last night. That would have killed me if the roles had been reversed. Brody’s right. Anyone but I could have done that to him and it wouldn’t have mattered as much. We’re supposed to have this special us love that’s different and unbreakable. On a level above the norm. Perfect.

  My chin trembles as a sob escapes out of me. I cover my mouth, shaking my head manically. I glance around and see several people standing outside their front doors, staring at the huge spectacle I’m creating. I back away from Jake even further. I’d be humiliated right now if I cared about anyone else. But I can only think of Brody right now. His opinion of me is all that matters and I’ve tarnished that. I’ve tarnished his love for me. His love for us.

  Jake’s face looks sad and uncomfortable. I scoff, “You don’t get to get me back, Jake. You don’t get to come back into my life and fuck things up. You mean nothing to me. Stay the fuck out of my way,” I bite out, for good measure. I turn and jog across the parking lot toward my car, tears now streaming freely
down my cheeks.

  I catch a glimpse of my face in the reflection of my car window. I hardly recognize myself. Who is that horrible looking person with round, saggy eyes? I sob more and grip the handle of my car door until it hurts. I scream out in effort as I throw every last bit of my strength onto the door handle. Physical pain on my hand feels better than the mental anguish in my heart.

  I retch open the door. My sobs are loud and shocking in the confines of my small car. I take several shaky breaths, trying to get control of myself. I click Call on my phone.

  “Hello?” Cadence’s voice fills my car.

  “Cade,” I cry, my body suddenly wrecked with sobs again at the sound of my sister’s voice.

  “Finley, what is it?” she asks, sounding alarmed.

  “I need you,” I cry. My sister’s voice provides comfort and safety, but the comfort is more than I can bear right now.

  “I’m coming. I’m coming right now, Finley.”

  Before I’m too far away from campus, I get a text and check it quickly at a stoplight.

  Angela: OMG Finley, I saw the whole thing go down with Jake. Are you okay?!?!?!?!!!!

  Me: I’m heading to KC to see Cadence. It’s a long story…I’ll talk to you when I get back.

  Angela: Okay, I love you. Drive safe!

  CHAPTER THIRTY

  Cadence and I make plans to meet in Kansas City. Marshall is a three hour drive to Manhattan, so KC is a good central meeting point. Throughout my years in college, Cadence and I often met up in KC. We love window shopping at the Plaza, and of course, eating at our favorite restaurant, Oklahoma Joe’s BBQ.

  I need to get out of town anyway. Away from Wildwood and away from Brody. If he saw me now, I’d just further secure his decision to leave us. He just needs time. He just needs time. I continue this mantra over and over in my head on my drive to KC.

  I grab my phone to let Cadence know I’m only a few minutes away. I blink rapidly to clear my eyes. The tears haven’t stopped the entire drive. Even though I’m trying to convince myself he just needs time, I still can’t shake the idea that I’ve dirtied this beautiful love we have. He’s trying to end this now before he hurts me too much. Little does he know, I’m already ruined by him. Now even the radio makes me think of him!

  Everything after that happens so fast. One second, I’m texting my sister, the next, I’m feeling myself being tossed around within the confines of my seatbelt. My knees hit the dash on either side of my steering wheel and I hear a loud smacking sound as my head hits the plastic area to the left of my windshield. My airbags deploy, eliminating any lines of sight I had. I have no idea what I just hit.

  I come to a slamming stop on what appears to be a huge metal electrical pole. My vision blurs. I blink hard to see where I am. A moment of sheer panic slams into me as realization sets in that I just crashed my car. I scream out, “Noooooo!”

  A loud, creaking noise from the pole catches my attention. I look up and see it falling toward me in painfully slow motion. I throw my hands up to shield myself and the large steel beam comes crunching down beside me into my car. A searing pain shoots into my arm as it makes contact with my right side. An odd sensation radiates from my face and I bring my fingertips up to touch it. A horrified feeling rolls over me as I feel a huge golf ball sized lump forming near my temple. I inspect my blood-covered hand.

  The On-Star agent’s voice inside my car is speaking, but I can’t hear her over the roaring in my ears. I can’t hear anything. I glance around for my phone, feeling the urgency to call my sister, but I can’t find it anywhere. Suddenly my door is ripped open and a man is looking at me and talking to me but I can’t make out anything he’s saying. I blink slowly and feel my brain swirl inside my skull. If only the pounding could stop. If the pounding could stop, I could hear what these people are trying to say to me. I squint, trying to make sense of his words. My right eye doesn’t offer much visibility. I reach up and touch it, feeling confused by the mass stuck over my eye.

  I try to get out of my car and the man places his hands on my shoulders to stop me from moving. I frown at him, confused as to why he won’t let me get out. Black spots pop up over his face and my eyes blink slowly, trying to focus. One final blink and they refuse to open again.

  ***

  I wake up to a squeezing sensation on my arm. I blink, slowly, and a tightness stings on the right side of my face. Only my left eye opens. I see a blood pressure cuff attached to me. Soft voices murmuring catch my attention. I look around and see my sister, Cadence, in a rigid stance, talking to someone in green scrubs.

  I glance around and see I’m in a small hospital room. I look down at my body and see my arm is secured in some type of large square brace. I cringe looking at it because it’s so horribly messed up.

  “We won’t have to operate on her arm. The X-Rays show a hairline fracture, so bracing it will be all we can do for that. Provided there are no complications, she should come out of this just fine. The rest of her injuries are superficial. They look bad, but they’ll heal with time.”

  “Okay, okay. Our parents are on their way. How long does she have to stay here?”

  “She should be able to leave in a few hours. We’ll come back and fit her for a brace. Someone will need to drive her home. She shouldn’t drive with that wrist fracture for a few days.”

  Cadence nods quickly and covers her face with her hand.

  “She’ll be just fine. It could have been a lot worse, so she’s very lucky.” He pats her shoulder and exits the room.

  “Cade?” I croak. She turns to look at me with wide eyes.

  “Oh my God, Finley!” she says. She rushes over to my bed and grabs my unbraced hand.

  “What’s going on?” I ask, my voice quaking.

  “You were in an accident, Fin. You crashed your car. Don’t you remember anything?” Her blue eyes are wide and assessing. The age difference between us has never seemed so obvious, but she looks like a worried mom more than my big sister.

  I blink, and wet tears slide out from beneath my lashes. I nod slightly, feeling horrible. “Yeah, I remember it, I think,” I pause, unable to admit the cause. “I was just getting off the exit ramp and…”

  “And what? What happened, Finley?” She pushes her dirty-blonde hair out of her face to focus more intently on me.

  “Was anybody else involved in the accident?” I ask, feeling anxious and panicky.

  “No, no one. Just your car and a light pole. They said you went off the ditch on the exit ramp and hit the pole. The pole landed on top of your car.”

  “Yeah, I remember that. Thank God no one else was involved.” I look down, feeling ashamed. “Cadence, I was distracted. I wasn’t paying attention. I…” My chest starts shaking with my sobs and she leans over, hugging me gently.

  “Shhh, Finley. Shhh, you’re okay. You’re fine. You’re going to be okay. No one else got hurt. The doctor said you just passed out from shock.”

  “Oh my God, Cadence, my car. Mom and Dad are going to be so mad.”

  “Mom and Dad are just happy you’re okay. They are on their way here now. A car can be replaced. You can’t.” She nods her head, solemnly. “I’m so glad I was here, Finley.”

  “Me too,” I cry, bringing my free hand up to mask my face. “I’m so embarrassed Cadence. I can’t believe I was so stupid. I can’t believe I did this!”

  “What happened, Finley? Why were you so upset when you called me earlier?”

  I swallow, feeling dryness in my throat. “I was a mess. I was bawling the whole drive. Brody…” my voice cracks, and I stop myself before making a total fool of myself.

  “Damn it, I should have just come to Manhattan. You shouldn’t have been driving.”

  “No, no. God. Don’t take the blame. I was going to get out of Manhattan one way or another. This is all my stupid fault,” I say, biting my lip and wincing at the open wound I taste on my tongue.

  “What’s going on with Brody?” she asks, pulling up a chair and gettin
g comfortable beside me. My sister’s wide blue eyes pierce me for more information. Cadence and I talk on a regular basis, so she knows a good deal about Brody and how in love I am with him. She gave me a load of crap when I told her about how we say I love us, instead of I love you. But I could tell she was really happy for me.

  I gently swipe my tender cheeks dry. “I fucked up, like seriously fucked it up,” I reply, my voice coming out raspy and pinched. “Things were awesome…we were awesome…and I, we, both of us I guess…just screwed it all up.”

  “So, what happened?”

  I fill her in on the events of the party.

  “You are such a fool, Fin. As soon as Jake came into that room, you should have gotten the hell out of there!”

  “I tried,” I reply, feeling defensive, but also feeling guilty for not trying harder. He was drunk—I easily could have gotten out of there if I really wanted to.

  “Not hard enough. Brody seems to be actively trying to get through his issues with relationships and his unfaithful exes. The least you could do is meet him halfway.”

  I groan and look away, unable to take her judgmental look any longer. My body aches all over, along with my heart. I’m feeling like the worst kind of shit right now. Why did I give Jake the time of day? Why didn’t I just leave? Now I’m lying in a damn hospital bed because I keep making stupid choices in my life.

  “I just want Brody back. He’s the one.” My chin trembles and with one blink, tears stream quickly down my cheeks. “But he said he looks at me differently now.”

  I swallow around the huge knot in my throat, trying my damndest to hold myself together. I’ve made an ass out of myself enough for one day.

  “How can I ever get him to see me the way he used to? I feel like I’ve ruined this perfect little bubble we had.”

  “No relationship is perfect, Finley. Hell, George and I fight all the damn time. We were high school sweethearts. I’ve only ever known George. Even though we grew up together, it doesn’t mean we don’t have our own issues. It’s not easy, but it’s messy and extraordinary, ya know? Extraordinary is better than perfect any day.”