But Enough About You: Essays

by Christopher Buckley

  At the end of the movie 2001: A Space Odyssey, the space ship piloted by Keir Dullea has apparently landed in a lavishly decorated parlor. Which of the following scenarios best describes to you what has happened?

  A. The parlor represents the decorative ideal that the apes in the first scene were striving to articulate by clubbing each other with the jawbone.

  B. The director, Stanley Kubrick, went totally off his nut.

  C. What kind of astronaut name is “Keir Dullea” anyway? These are stupid questions. I don’t have to talk to you. Leave me alone.

  D. I said leave me alone.

  E. Won’t listen, huh? Here, have some pepper spray.

  When you hear the words “Houston, we have a problem,” what is the first thing that comes to mind?

  A. Malfunction in the retro-fire OMS rockets.

  B. Loss of ceramic heat-shield tiles on takeoff.

  C. Thruster malfunction in the Reaction Control System.

  D. Shuttle commander is attempting to boil crew member’s bunny rabbit.

  A space shuttle travels at approximately 15,000 mph. A BB pellet has a velocity of about 50 feet per second. If a space shuttle were launched from Houston and a BB gun were fired simultaneously, which would hit the boyfriend-thieving bitch in the Orlando airport satellite parking lot first?

  Complete the following sentence: “Three-two-one . . .”

  A. Ignition.

  B. Ready or not, here I come!

  C. Oh God, oh God, oh GOD, give it to me—now!

  D. Roll down the window, Colleen.

  —Slate, February 2007

  POST-TALIBAN AFGHANISTAN: A GUIDE TO THE KEY PLAYERS

  Bulnadir Glubglubaddin, 46. Pashtun. Warlord. Ruled Afghanistan for five hours (1992) until he was overthrown by his cousin Abdulnadir. Since ’92, has lived in London but has been unable to find full-time employment as warlord. A self-styled “liberal,” he allows his four wives to speak to one another twice a year on feast days, and even allows them to walk ahead of him, though his political rivals suggest that this is due to his fear of land mines.

  Rasheed Haq, 42. Pushtun. Warlord-producer-director. Son of 1970s-era government minister, he attended Beverly Hills High School. Recruited by CIA to document Soviet occupation, but disappointed by making “art” films (My Dinner with Achmed, Bamiyan Mon Amour) instead of videotaping Russian atrocities. However, has extensive contacts within Pakistani Intelligence, whom he has cultivated with addresses of movie actresses taken from outdated “Maps to the Hollywood Stars’ Homes.”

  Nugud Attal, 52. Pishtun. Warlord–grief counselor. Wealthiest of the warlords, maintains villas in Montreux, Cap-Ferrat, and Majorca. Built fortune by “offering” grief counseling to relatives of his tribe’s victims at above-market prices. Is said not to be on cordial terms with fellow warlord Badman Shah (see below), whose turban he set on fire during a theological discussion in 1984.

  Affal Zir, 24. Hazara. Warlord trainee. Entered the Warlord Baccalaureate program at Kunduz University, where he was a member of the Glee, AK-47, and Heroin Smuggling Clubs. Took junior year off to be warlord intern under Bludrunnin Haq but never returned to college. Popular among Gen-X warlords for not summarily executing those caught listening to rock music. But his widely quoted remark—“Pashtuns have brains softer than figs”—has not endeared him to some, who have threatened to cut out his tongue.

  Malak Alak Mir, 64. Uzbek. Warlord emeritus. The “Grand Old Man” of the Northern Alliance, has been fighting continuously since his fourteenth birthday. Told the BBC that he hopes to be fighting “someone—anyone!—when I am 164, God willing.” May be the one man with enough authority to pull together the so-called Rainbow Coalition from Hell: Pashtun-Pushtun-Pishtun-Hazara-Huzara-Tajik-Uzbek-Methodist. A colorful character, he is apt to slaughter goats in the middle of press interviews and offer the blood to squeamish Western reporters.

  Badman Shah, 32. Tajik. Warlord consultant. Prefers to operate behind the scenes. Since 1992, has consulted not only with Afghanistan’s leading warlords, but all over the world. Offices in Burma, Nigeria, Somalia, and Calgary. His fee structure, a monthly retainer plus hourly rates and first-class air travel as well as east-facing hotel suites, has caused client grumbling, but J. D. Powers Associates named him “#1 Warlord Consultant” in 1997. Motto: “Being a successful warlord today means not just killing the people, but terrifying them 24/7.”

  Yur Al Tost, 36. Shiite minority, non-Hazara. Warlord-Starbucks franchisee. Cultivated valuable contacts through his six Starbucks locations, all within one block in downtown Jalalabad. Disseminated anti-Taliban political statements through sales of CDs, deceptively labeled Tunes to Beat Women To, and Be-lightful, Be-lovely, Be-headed. Rumored to have eliminated rivals by poisoning their Mocha Frappucinos.

  Abdulrash Azhol, 37. Huzara. The “Warlord’s Warlord.” Sent letter to U.N. Secretary General Kofi Annan vowing to kill him if he attempts to impose peace on Afghanistan. Hobbies: harshly interpreting Holy Koran, instigating trouble between other warlords, firing on convoys of trucks carrying humanitarian aid. An avid practical joker, he once put C-4 explosive inside his “unamused” fellow warlord Gulbaddin Hekmatyar’s toothpaste.

  Mohammed Zahir Shah, 87. Ex-king. Has lived in Rome since being deposed by his cousin in 1973. Might unify Afghan tribes at a loya jirga (“Grand Kaffeklatch”), but the U.S. State Department is reported concerned by his lack of a warlord credential. Also, his habit of calling everyone he meets “Sweetie” may not sit well with the sterner tribal leaders.

  —The New Yorker

  THE DEBT OF SOCRATES

  I went down yesterday to the Piraeus with Glaucon, that I might offer up my prayers to the goddesses Brussels and Euro. There we chanced to find among other companions Polemarchus, who was sorely vexed.

  Why the long face? I asked.

  He replied that his wife, a hairdresser, had just been informed by the Assembly that because of the recent calamities in the Treasury, the state will no longer recompense her an additional sum on top of her regular fee for dying her ladies’ locks with Egyptian henna.

  It leaves her hands much stained, he said. Is this the action of a just state, that it should abrogate the Handling of Possibly Dangerous Substances clause in the Hairdressers Guild Contract—said to date to the time of the Titans?

  Amid the general murmuring, Cephalus, a Retiree, began to curse so vehemently as to make Hera turn the color of pomegranate, saying that he, too, had been ill used by the Assembly.

  Now they tell me, he said, that I may no longer have free passage aboard the state interisland trireme for my visits to Mykonos, where I make sacrifice to Apollo Suntan Oil. Am I to pay for transport out of my own purse? Did I not give Athens a lifetime of service, a full ten years, licensing and dispensing the monthly bonuses to Thessalonian olive inspectors?

  Indeed you did, I replied, but did the Assembly not recompense you an additional portion for knowing how to operate the bonus-tabulating counting apparatus, and another portion for speaking Phoenician?

  Why should I not receive a little extra? he hotly replied. Are the foresters not paid an extra portion for working in the forest?

  Very well, I said, but let me ask you, Should a fisherman be paid extra for fishing?

  Glaucon replied, Yes, that would be only fair inasmuch as fish, though beloved of Poseidon, are slimy and often stink. Nor is catching them a pleasant business, for one must rise and take to the boat even before Helios’s chariot has climbed in the East.

  Mischievous Adeimantus interjected, I suppose, Socrates, you will now ask if a philosopher should be paid extra to corrupt the youth of Athens? This occasioned a great slapping of thighs.

  I replied, Before you would increase the philosopher’s salary, Adeimantus, you must first give him a salary. Look at my cloak. It is not nearly as fine as that of our companion Niceratus, who as collector of fees at the Temple of Athena on the Acropolis is paid a higher hourly wage than Herakles received for cleaning
out the Augean Stables. And he gets an extra portion merely for showing up on time. No wonder the state money-house looks as though it has been visited by the Furies. Tell me this, Did brave Achilles demand extra compensation for slaying Hector?

  He should have, asserted Cleitophon. Under Rule 17 of the Warriors’ Guild Standard Contract, anyone volunteering for single combat during a siege more than a hundred miles from Athens and lasting not less than one year is eligible for triple pay, plus retirement on full salary with payments to be continued after one’s death to female descendants up to and including the third generation. To say nothing of lifetime trireme privileges, and thrice-annual consultations with the Oracle at Delphi.

  A pretty package indeed, I said. I may volunteer for single combat myself. But let me ask you, Glaucon, Polemarchus, and you other wise fellows: Who shall pay for all these handsome emoluments, while the wind howls through the emptied Siphnian Treasury?

  They murmured among themselves. At length Thrasymachus said, Let us ask the gods. Surely they would not leave us to the mercies of austere Brussels and flighty Euro.

  By all means, I said, make your entreaties to Olympus. But remember—Whom the gods would destroy, first they make pensioners at forty.

  —The New York Times, May 2010

  AFTER SADDAM: A BRIEFER

  Ali al-Qastani. Chairman, Iraqi Expatriate Congress. Close to the Pentagon but distrusted by the State Department and the CIA. Deputy Secretary of Defense Paul Wolfowitz’s favorite “good Iraqi,” though privately viewed by others in the Pentagon as a merely okay Iraqi. In a speech to the Council of Terrific Iraqis, al-Qastani called for a “democratic pluralistic Iraq,” administered by himself and members of his immediate family. Did not endear himself to Jordan’s King Abdullah when he challenged him to arm-wrestle during a recent Pan-Arab conference.

  Ismail bin Aziz. Director, Coalition of Very Good Iraqis. Soft-spoken, moderate, a favorite of Colin Powell, but viewed suspiciously by Pentagon “neoconservatives”—the Zionist cabal directing U.S. foreign policy on behalf of Ariel Sharon—for admitting to the Financial Times that he still has to look up “Sunni” and “Shiite” in his copy of Jane’s Inter-Denominational Hatreds. But, with his contacts, he might be given a second-tier government department to run, such as the Ministry of Dromedary Emissions.

  Mansour al-Shazz. Director, Association of Excellent Iraqis. Favored by the CIA director George Tenet, who in 1997 had an electronic bug and tracking device secretly implanted in al-Shazz’s lower GI during a routine colonoscopy at the Mayo Clinic. Attracted considerable following among expatriate Iraqis after promising each of them 10 percent of the country’s oil revenues once he is installed as leader.

  Mohammad bin Bashir. Executive director, Coalition of Perfectly Fine Iraqis. Favored by the Defense Policy Board member Richard Perle, whom he met in 1993 at a French cooking school in Provence. Popular among gastronomically sophisticated Iraqi expatriates, but could face U.S. congressional opposition for his support of Strom Thurmond for president in 1948.

  Anwar Karam. President, Friends of Anwar Karam. Favored by Exxon Mobil for his “Whatever” attitude to U.S. investment in post-Saddam Iraq. Gave a widely noticed speech at the Council on Foreign Relations denouncing President Jacques Chirac and Foreign Minister Dominique de Villepin of France as “despicable amphibians who have seen their last drop of Iraqi oil.”

  Omar bad Karmah. President, Coalition of Recovering Bad Iraqis. Favored by no one, really, but has made himself useful by acting as liaison to the very worst elements of the former regime, who, though truly awful, may be needed to perform some of the unpleasant work of nation rebuilding, such as WMD (Weapons of Mass Destruction) disposal and replacing the heads on the statues of Saddam Hussein with likenesses of the new leader.

  Said Hassan. Executive director, League of Rapidly Improving Iraqis. Charismatic. Nicknamed “Scooter” for his habit of driving a Vespa from table to table at Pan-Arab conferences. Well liked by Powell and Tenet, but may have damaged his chances of being taken seriously again by referring to Geraldo Rivera during an on-camera interview as “a latter-day Alexander the Great.”

  Salim al-Wolfowitz. Chairman, Association of Iraqis Who Have Changed Their Last Names, formerly the Association of Could Be Much Worse Iraqis. Widely viewed as opportunistic and self-promoting but seen as “inflexible” for waiting too long to change his previous name, Salim al-Gore.

  Omar Sharif. Honorary chairman, Association of Still Dashing Egyptian Actors Who Look Iraqi Enough to Play the Part. Commands strong following pretty much everywhere, though Wolfowitz, stung by recent celebrity protests against the war, is said to harbor reservations about putting an actor, no matter how Middle Eastern–looking, in charge of the new Iraq. Rumored to be the top candidate of Laura, Barbara, and Lauren Bush.

  —The New Yorker, April 2003

  THE NEW JAPANESE SAT

  TOKYO, April 5—The Education Ministry on Tuesday approved a controversial new series of school textbooks that critics say whitewash Japan’s militaristic past . . . Some schoolbook publishers and government officials have argued that it is time to remove “self-deprecating” historical references.

  —THE WASHINGTON POST

  MULTIPLE CHOICE

  1. What historically significant event occurred on December 7?

  A. Woodrow Wilson declared war on Austria, in 1917.

  B. Admiral William Bligh, of HMS Bounty fame, died in 1817, regretting that he never had the opportunity to visit Japan.

  C. Charles Brooks, Jr., became the first American to be executed by lethal injection, in Texas, in 1982.

  D. U.S. Secretary of State Cordell Hull flouted diplomatic protocol by speaking in a rude and disrespectful manner to Japanese imperial ambassadors in Washington, in 1941.

  2. The cry “Tora! Tora! Tora!” is heard at:

  A. Pamplona, Spain, to warn runners that a female bull is approaching.

  B. Ascot, England, to compliment ladies on their hats.

  C. Synagogues during bat- and bar-mitzvah ceremonies.

  D. Japanese baseball games when Toshimura Tora (no. 39) steps up to bat.

  3. Which of the following statements most accurately describes America’s President Franklin Roosevelt?

  A. A fanatical, Supreme Court–packing bigot intent on ending the Depression by fomenting war with Japan.

  B. A philandering, wheelchair-bound, stamp-collecting tyrant.

  C. Invited Imperial Japanese Navy to participate in a “friendship mission” by flying over Hawaii, and then perfidiously ordered U.S. Navy to open fire.

  D. All of the above.

  4. What was the main objective of the Divine Wind squadron in 1944 and 1945?

  A. To bring oboe and clarinet concerti to remote areas of the Pacific.

  B. To entertain the emperor and his court with works by the French fin-de-siècle performance artist Le Petomane.

  C. To win the America’s Cup for Japan, despite the New York Yacht Club’s disqualifying Japan’s boat for allegedly concealing a Kaiten-type “human torpedo” in its keel.

  D. Parts of all of the above.

  5. Historians agree that Japan’s doctrine of “preemption” in Hawaii was directly responsible for:

  A. The long-overdue emergence of America as a benign hegemon.

  B. The development of nuclear power as a promising new energy source.

  C. The story line of the award-winning Snow Falling on Cedars.

  D. The drafting of Hideki Matsui by the New York Yankees.

  6. The term “comfort women” refers to:

  A. 200,000 Chinese and Korean females invited to Japan between 1939 and 1945, as honored guests with all expenses paid, for the purpose of experiencing Japanese culture and customs and promoting friendship and understanding.

  B. Prostitutes in the southern United States.

  C. Female interns in the White House.

  D. Wives of Donald Trump.

  7. “Bataan Death March” refers to:
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  A. A Seattle grunge band.

  B. Hole no. 5 at Osaka Golf and Country Club.

  C. A badly maintained highway west of Manila Bay.

  D. A lesser-known funereal composition by F. Chopin.

  8. What took place at Los Alamos?

  A. A handful of Americans briefly held off the entire Mexican Army.

  B. American scientists unearthed prehistoric winged monsters with which to attack an unsuspecting Japan.

  C. American scientists devised an inexpensive car-rental agency.

  D. The “good” American Robert Oppenheimer was overcome with remorse after unleashing supernatural evil and was persecuted by the U.S. government for the rest of his life.

  FOR EXTRA CREDIT

  1. Hirohito : Roosevelt ~

  A. Jupiter : Pluto

  B. Joan of Arc : Joan Collins

  C. Gold : Lead

  D. Chrysanthemum : Ragweed

  —The Atlantic Monthly, November 2005

  THE HIGGS BOSON PARTICLE AND YOU: Q & A

  Q. What exactly is a Higgs boson, and why all this fuss?

  A Essentially, it’s an eentsy-teensy-weensy particle—we’re talking small here—that contains the answers to how the universe came about, including whether God was involved. As for the “fuss,” the CERN laboratory in Geneva, where the particle was discovered, spent $10 billion on its Large Hadron Collider. Over the last two years, 800 trillion (give or take) proton-proton collisions have been performed, which works out to—what?—maybe not so much per collision, but $10 billion is still $10 billion. For that kind of dough, you expect more bang for your buck than, “Ja, ja, we’re working on it, go away!” Physicists—spare me.

  Q. How did they discover it?