Here and Now

by Wasowski, Mary

  “Baby, you have to be tired. It’s been a long day.”

  “I’m okay but I agree with you. I’m ready for bed.”

  “Is that an invitation?” I winked but secretly hoped it’s what she was thinking too.

  “You never need one but tonight would you mind just holding me?”

  “You never have to ask, I’m just thankful you still want me there.”

  “Always, Lawson.”

  “Forever, Renee.”

  Yes, the cast was the biggest hurdle to overcome to get a decent night’s rest but once we were in a comfortable position, it was bliss for the rest of the night. Renee was completely off her pain meds and managing her pain level on her own. I hated ever knowing she was in pain but she never would tell me. It’s that invisible strength that lives and breathes inside of her.

  PRESENT…

  Renee

  “Dammit! I can do this,” I shouted at my therapist and felt frustrated.

  “Renee, you are rushing the process and if you don’t slow down, it’s only going to impede your recovery.”

  “Robert, I can do this. I know my body and I know what I can and cannot do. Now, please hand me the weight and let’s go again.”

  “No, I’m done for the day and so are you,” he said and then put away all of the weights I use in my physical therapy.

  “You’re fired.”

  “Yeah, okay. Put your arm around my neck so I can move you to the couch.”

  “No, I am staying here and doing one more set.”

  “Renee, I’m a patient man and I will say you busting my balls three times a week is not fun but I endure it because I like you and want you well.”

  “But?” I asked.

  “Today, I’ve reached my limit and you are starting to piss me off. So, put your arm around my neck or I may have to take extreme measures and haul you over my shoulder.”

  “Um, that won’t be necessary. I think that’s a job for her husband.” I looked beyond my captor, Robert the tyrant and smiled brightly at Lawson who was impeccably dressed in a gorgeous three-piece suit. How did I miss that this morning? He practically stalked me with his sexy eyes until he could get his teeth on his prey—me.

  “Hey baby,” he said and leaned down to kiss me. “Why are you giving Robert a hard time when you know he is only trying to help you?”

  “He’s mean to me and he beats me,” I couldn’t even say that with a straight face before I gave up and just laughed.

  “I’m guessing you can take over for me?”

  “Yes, Robert, you can go. Thanks, man for everything.”

  “You are welcome, she? Not so much. See you on Wednesday, Princess.”

  “Nope, you’re still fired.”

  “Sure, I am,” he said over his shoulder as he grabbed his bag and walked out the door.

  “Renee, he’s right you know, this is not a race.”

  “It feels like one. I’m sorry but I can’t help it. I hate that I have to use this stupid wheelchair when I’m too damn tired to use anything else.”

  “I’m not going to say I know what you’re feeling because I don’t but I’m here to vent to anytime you need to.”

  “Lawson, I know you are not going to want to hear this, but I need to get back to work.”

  “No, you’re not ready. You need to take more time to heal. Renee, it will kill me if you get hurt again.”

  “Unless you hit me with a car, I’ll be fine.”

  “That’s not even remotely funny.”

  “I’m sorry but I need my work and I have to get back to my practice.”

  “Emily and Gus have been doing a great job and managing all the day-to-day along with Jeanie, it’s fine.”

  “It’s my practice, Lawson, and I need to get back to it,” I said as I let out a frustrated huff.

  “And you’re my wife and I need you to be healthy.” He countered.

  I wanted to scream as loud as my lungs would allow and then pound my fists on his chest. I wasn’t really angry with him, I just wanted to get back to me again.

  “Talk to me, please.”

  “I want to say mean things to you.”

  “And?”

  “Scream a little.”

  “I love you, Renee, and this to shall pass.”

  “I love you too and I’m sorry for being difficult.”

  “Yeah, okay we will go with that.”

  Without saying another word, my husband knew what I needed and carried me up to our room where he gave me the best massage that lulled me into sleep. With every knead to my sore muscles, I felt my body slowly relax. I felt the bed shift just slightly, probably Lawson changing out of his suit. I decided to be good and remain where I was.

  One month later…

  I was free. Free from the Lawson Douglas prison for one. Yes, it was okay for my husband to return to his empire but not me, especially when I was still in pain. I tried to hide it from him but to no avail, he knows me too well.

  I refused to take the strong meds and ate the over the counter ones like candy until my stomach kicked my ass and said, no more. It’s been three months since my accident and I am a star patient for my therapist. Robert is so pleased with my efforts and since I no longer complain, he has cut me back to two days a week. I’ve been slowly walking around the property and doing light yoga with a lot of assistance. At least my arms look fabulous.

  Lawson kissed me goodbye and left me on my own to get to the office which means my driver awaits. I haven’t been cleared to drive yet but that’s okay, at least I’m going into the office. Today would just be about reconnecting with my assistant who has been so amazing throughout this entire ordeal. Emily and Gus will be there too.

  Emily helped me do some online shopping for my post-accident wardrobe since my usual pencil skirts were out for now. I have a selection of comfy form-fitting maxi skirts in a ray of colors. I still have to wear a support brace but no more wheelchair or walker. To be walking on two legs is a miracle in itself, so this girl is not complaining. As I rode the elevator up to my office my phone has pinged twice. I just smiled knowing it was Lawson. I texted back that I was fine and powering down for a while so I could enjoy my morning with my staff. He texted back that wouldn’t stop him from bugging Jeanie on her cell.

  “Welcome Home” was all I heard as I walked through my office. I guess it was fitting since this was my home away from home with many hours spent here. I loved what I do but it was time to make a change. Recuperating at home allowed a lot of thinking time to decide on what comes next in my life. Lawson has cut back on his work and has given Rogan a lot more responsibility along with Ty and Paul. We’ve been talking more and trying to focus on the now instead of the past. Yes, we agreed it’s important, but we can’t live there like we used to. So, knowing all that has brought me here today and hopefully, my news will be welcomed and a step in a new direction not only for my daughter but for me too.

  “You guys are wonderful. I love the signs and the balloons. I love you.”

  “Oh, mom, we are just so happy to see you here,” Emily said as she pulled me close for a hug.

  “That goes double for me,” I said as Jeanie gave me a hug and then Gus too.”

  “You look, fabulous mom, I swear you are glowing.”

  “Thank you, Gus, but you just saw me a few days ago. Have I changed that much?”

  “I guess I mean just full of life happy.”

  “Yes, I am happy to be back here but I’m not sure for how long. Listen, let’s dry up the tears and get right to it,” I said as I walked as poised as I could manage to my desk.

  “What is it, mom? What do you mean by that? Are you not ready to return to work? Because we have it covered and your patients seem to have acclimated to me, and even Gus has taken on a few new clients.”

  “Everyone take a breath, especially you Emily. Let me get a coffee and settle in and then we will order some lunch and talk.”

  “Mom, I” My happy daughter was slowly crumbling before
me until I raised my hands up to stop the tears I knew would come next.

  “I’m fine and I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t. I just need some time to myself and then when I’m ready, I will call you all in.”

  “Fine, I’ll be in my office. Gus, are you coming?”

  “Jeanie, please stay.”

  “Okay boss, what’s going on?”

  “Nothing extreme as my daughter believes. This,” I gestured my hands all around the room. “Is great. Thank you.”

  “You are welcome. Now talk to me. What’s going on?”

  “I guess it started in New York, and way before that stupid taxi hit me. Aside from that unfortunate incident, it was great.”

  “Yes, I love the highlight reel that Jacque sent me. Your speech was awesome. You never veer off the script.”

  “You’re right, and that’s the problem. I never do anything out of my comfort zone and I truly believe that is why Lawson exploded at me on the night of his birthday.”

  “What do you mean, Renee? I’m not following where I think you are going with this.”

  “Living apart from Lawson opened my eyes to a lot of things that I was blind to, so to speak. My entire life is a schedule and for a long time, I loved it that way until something got missed and I was alone. When I asked Lawson to leave, I thought he would take a day or two to calm down and then practically crawl back to me on his knees, but he didn’t. Maybe deep down he wanted to but he needed to stand on his own for a while and I had to do the same. And now he’s home and it feels like everything is new and shiny and I’m afraid if I go back to the ‘old me’ then what we are trying to work on is going to get tarnished and I will lose him for good.”

  “I can’t believe I am hearing this, and from you no less. If the roles were reversed and a client was saying the same words to you, I know you wouldn’t be so eager to just advise him or her to just forget who they are and pacify their partner. I mean, is that what this is? Because Renee, it’s going to backfire in your face.”

  “Jeanie, it’s not what I am doing, and need I remind you that I am the doctor of the mind here, not you. I’m still me for fuck’s sake! I have realized that I am not above changing and if I’m being honest, I treated my marriage like an object I could control and I’m so angry with myself for doing that I just want to punch myself in the face until I knock myself out.” I paused for a minute and smiled remembering how my husband told me that he wanted to do the same thing to himself when we were apart. I guess we are more alike than we realize. “Lawson deserves better than what I’ve been able to give him and that’s what today’s meeting is about.”

  “Okay, go on.”

  “I’ve built this practice from the very first patient that trusted us enough to treat, coach, whatever they needed and now with Emily and Gus on board, I don’t have to do it all.”

  “Okay, but they are not doctors like you, and we need a ‘you’ to make this practice work.”

  “I agree and I’m not going anywhere but I will significantly be cutting back. I can’t work fourteen-hour days anymore. Emily and Gus are doing a fabulous job with their coaching clients and gaining more by the week. I met many up and coming therapists in New York that are looking for a change and I think our practice may be what they are looking for. I have three in mind and I sent their information to your e-mail. Read it over and set up some interviews for next week.”

  “Wow, okay, I’m officially stunned.”

  “Yeah, I think Lawson will be too.”

  “You haven’t told him yet?”

  “Nope, and I’m not going to until I see how my choices work out.”

  “That’s where I come in, right?”

  “Exactly, you are my secret weapon to weed out the bad and bring in only the best. Can I count on you?”

  “You know that you can. I will always support you, Renee, I guess I’m just worried that you may be jumping into something for the wrong reasons. He’s not going anywhere. Hasn’t he proven that already?”

  “Yes, without a doubt. The point you are missing is that I am not just doing this for my husband’s benefit, I’m doing it for me too. Jeanie, it’s so easy to blame your partner for anything and everything wrong in your relationship because the other is afraid to take responsibility for their contributing part. I was that person. I didn’t know Lawson was conflicted about his career and the direction his life was taking until the night of his birthday.”

  “My incessant need for control drove my husband away that night long before I asked him to leave. We are on solid ground again but I truly believe this is a right move for not only me but for the practice as well. All that I am asking is for you to be by myside and help me through this transition.”

  “Okay, I’ll be here for you.”

  “That’s my girl. Thank you.”

  “Yeah, you’re welcome.”

  I hugged Jeanie with everything I had. Her reservations came from a good place and I understood why we needed to talk before I could move forward with my plans. Three months ago I would have never entertained this idea, but I’m also not the same person I was back then. This is right, I know it is. Now, I have to explain it to my husband.

  PAST…

  Lawson

  “Keep your eyes closed or I will be forced to blindfold you,” I said as my curious wife giggled in my arms. “We just have a few more steps and then we will be there.”

  “You know I love surprises, but the best ones always come from you.”

  “That I know my wife, and we’re here,” I kissed her on her lips before giving her permission to open her eyes. “Okay beautiful, you may open them.”

  I watched in wonder as Renee slowly opened her eyes to our picnic under the stars. It was a gorgeous night here in Savannah, and it seemed like the sky was lit up just with the twinkling stars shining on us. Who needed the moon when we had our own light show up there? “Oh, Lawson, this is beautiful. I love it and I love you for always giving me moments like this.”

  I turned her around and held her in my arms kissing her passionately until we were out of breath. “I love you so much and I know our lives are busy with two careers, two kids, two dogs, but I wouldn’t change it for anything in the world to have this night with you.”

  PRESENT…

  “What do you want for lunch? The guys were talking Thai, but pizza works too. Hello? Earth to Lawson.”

  “Excuse me, what?”

  Alison laughed and handed me the menus. “You seemed a million miles away. I was talking about lunch. Choose something fast, we have a hungry group and they are waiting for you.”

  “Order anything you want, I’m not hungry.”

  “You okay, boss?”

  “Yes, I’m fine. Will you excuse me, Alison? I have to make some calls.”

  “Sure thing. You’re free for the next hour and then you have a meeting with the deputy mayor of Savannah.”

  “Cancel it, better yet, cancel the rest of my day. And for the future, I only meet with the mayor and not his lackey.”

  “Lawson!? What has gotten into you?”

  “Please just do as I ask.”

  “Yes, sir.”

  I scrolled through my contacts and found the number I needed, dialing right away. “Yeah, it’s me. I need to see you.”

  I stopped my knock in mid-air when the door swung open and he stepped aside to let me in. “Wow, I thought my ears were bleeding when I heard your voice on the other end.”

  “Yeah, well the feeling is mutual but what can I say? I needed to talk and you are the only one that I can basically say anything to and if I don’t like your reply, I say fuck-off and we’re still friends.”

  “You can tell me to fuck-off when you are paying me by the hour, and starting right now, you are.”

  “Thanks, Dalton.”

  “So, tired of getting analyzed by the misses? You call her biggest competition?”

  “Oh, yeah? If that’s true, then why did Renee give the keynote speech in New York, and you didn
’t?”

  “Fuck you, okay, now that the usual pleasantries are done. What can I do for you, Lawson?”

  “Renee hasn’t called you, has she?”

  “As a friend, yes. If you’re asking me as a client, you know I cannot tell you that.”

  “Yeah, I know.”

  “The clock is ticking and I moved my day around for you, so talk.”

  “Why did I do it, Dalton?”

  “Do what exactly?”

  “You’re really going to make me say it?”

  “Oh, yes, I love it when the great Lawson Douglas screws up so badly that he ends up on my doorstep.”

  “Are you done? because I really need some advice and I’m not kidding here.”

  “I’m sorry. You and Renee have been so stressed and it’s like a game of chess. Both of you are afraid to make a move without calling checkmate. She’s been through hell these last few months trying with everything she has to recover and get back to where she was before that dreadful accident.”

  “And what about before? Is she trying to get back to Renee before her husband of twenty-five years shattered her entire world by asking her for a divorce, or just the walking/running Renee before a New York taxi plowed her down and almost made her roadkill?”

  “Let’s dial it back for a minute, okay? You fucked up and it was huge but not unfixable. Renee knows that and for all that’s holy in the world, she is trying to move on from it, and you should too.”

  “She said that?”

  “Come on, Lawson, what do you think? I have talked to both of you as a couple, individually, and as a friend. My advice is still the same. You two love each other more than all the gold in the world. You have been together since you were just out of puberty for all intent and purposes. You are allowed to make a mistake or two and I think you’ve paid enough for yours. Lawson, Renee has forgiven you, now you need to forgive yourself.”