A Little Band of Red

by Lily Freeman

  “Hello.”

  “PJ, it’s Christopher, I’m sorry to have to call you, but Vader’s had a stroke. He’s lost consciousness and his heart rate has plummeted.”

  So had hers. “Oh, God.”

  PJ turned away from the two men in the room, not that it helped. With every breath she felt her already strained emotions spiralling out of control.

  “We’ve given him a shot of steroids and we’ll try another, but after that, there’s nothing we can do except wait and see if he regains consciousness.”

  “Can I see him? I can come now.”

  “Ah yes. If you think it will help, but it’s not good, he’s—”

  She never heard his final words because her world was falling apart, piece by painful piece. “Can you tell me the address again please?” He did, but she couldn’t remember it. “I’m sorry I need to write it down.”

  The last fifteen minutes of PJ’s life receded into the background, no longer important: the club, Luke, what he was, what he wanted from her, none of it meant anything. The only thing that mattered to PJ was Vader and how she was going to get to him.

  Turning around she found Luke right in front of her, and Gabriel by the side of the desk, holding a pen and a piece of paper out to her, which she gratefully accepted before scribbling down the address.

  “I’m leaving now, please don’t let him die, Christopher.” After wiping her eyes, PJ looked up to find Luke completely focused on her. His expression held nothing but concern, genuine concern. Under any other circumstances that would have meant something to her, except right now it didn’t. She just had nothing left.

  “I’m sorry, I have to go.”

  Luke never said a word, he just gently pried the paper out of her hand.

  “I’ll take you.”

  He was already reaching for his coat when she stopped him. “No, thanks, I’ll get a cab.”

  “Whatever it is, Baby, let me help you.”

  Baby, Darling, it didn’t seem to matter which endearment he used, it was the way he used it that had PJ shifting awkwardly to the side, trying to move out of his reach. “No, it’s fine.” It wasn’t, she didn’t even know where the nearest taxi stand was.

  “Please, PJ. Don’t shut me out. I know you’re upset by what you heard and I promise if you let me, I’ll help you understand, but don’t—”

  “Alright.” She didn’t have time to argue. Grabbing her coat, PJ tried to get her arm into it, but her phone was too big or on the wrong angle and she couldn’t seem to make it work. In the end she didn’t have to because Luke stepped forward and gently took her hand, holding it steady while he slipped one arm in and then the other. The buttons followed before he arranged the collar, but she wouldn’t let him take her hand again, even though the small comfort would have helped.

  It was an uncomfortable silence that settled around Luke as he drove to Mill Lane, broken only by the tiny sobs of the woman beside him. As she sat, staring out the window, he could see the tears trickling down her face in the reflection and he desperately wanted to kiss them away.

  Every protective instinct he had, the ones he’d held in check for so long were screaming at him, but she was scared now and upset. The odds couldn’t have been stacked against him more, yet Luke still believed there was a chance, granted a very small one, that she’d come back to him. He understood she was overwhelmed by everything she’d heard tonight, by him, but they had connected in that room and he’d fight for that chance again, just not with clever words and seductive arguments like he usually did. Tonight all he had left was—him.

  When they finally pulled into the car park twenty minutes later, it was almost a relief to get out of the car. PJ hadn’t said a word even when he’d tried to entice her into conversation and she was pale, unsteady on her feet as she stood up. Luke realised he was crossing a line, touching her like a lover or a friend would, but he just couldn’t stop. Gently he reached for her, wrapping an arm around her shoulders.

  “PJ, are you alright?”

  She subtly twisted out of his hold before she answered him.

  “No. I’m not.”

  Without a backward glance she headed for the door leaving him to follow, completely at a loss as to what to do. She didn’t want him there; that much was obvious, but he wasn’t leaving, not now. As he caught up with her on the steps, a small elegant sign caught his eye, ‘Mill Lane Veterinary Clinic’. So it was an animal that was going to die. Luke had no experience with that kind of attachment, he’d never had a pet; he’d had a drunken mother instead, and two younger sisters to look after. While a new round of emotions assaulted him, resentment, anger and several others that he didn’t want to think about when he was already feeling so low, PJ fumbled with the door handle.

  “It’s alright, I’ve got it.” Reaching over her, he pushed it open. The receptionist looked up as they entered, her expression holding nothing but sympathy.

  “I’ll let Christopher know you’re here, PJ.”

  Some hushed words were spoken down the phone then the door at the end of the waiting room opened, an Asian man in a white lab coat entering the room.

  “PJ, I’m so sorry, we’ve done everything we can.”

  If it were possible she paled even more. “Is he dead?”

  “No, not yet; he briefly regained consciousness, although he couldn’t hold his head up. We’ve stabilized him and given him two shots of steroids, but I doubt he’ll make it through the night. He’s fought hard, but he was so weak to start with.”

  She gasped and the sound was so sharp, it cut straight through Luke’s heart.

  “Can I … see him?”

  More tears flooded her eyes, falling down her cheeks in a near continual stream, but when Luke reached for her she stepped away again. It hurt to think that she wouldn’t even accept the smallest touch from him. Then again, she didn’t know what it meant, to him anyway.

  “Of course, come this way.”

  Christopher led them down a long corridor into a large brightly lit room full of cages. Lying in the first few with clipboards hanging from the doors were several sleeping animals, but the further they went, the emptier it became. Over on the far side of the room was a single door with a quarantine sign above it. That was the door they headed for.

  Unlike the room they’d just walked through, this one had no cages in it, only a single dog bed, which PJ headed straight for.

  Dropping to her knees she eased back a light brown blanket to reveal the smallest dog Luke had ever seen. Curled on its side, it was all fluff, golden brown and if he wasn’t mistaken, incredibly filthy. Carefully she lifted the corner exposing its face. He could just see an immaculate row of stitches running along its pitch-black muzzle before PJ’s hand obstructed his view. Her touch was so light and gentle as she stroked its little nose, ears and paws, her tears splashing onto her hands as her sobs merged with the rasping breaths of someone who was just about ready to fall apart.

  It was a truly painful experience which seemed to go on forever with PJ rocking quietly back and forth, Luke standing behind her and the little dog lying there, barely alive. When Christopher finally returned he looked to Luke as though hoping he’d step in and end it, but he couldn’t, he just didn’t know how. He didn’t know her or what she’d been through. How long had she owned the dog? Why was it injured? It was so unlike him not to have the answers or the ability to control the outcome of a situation, it left him feeling … vulnerable.

  Yet he couldn’t fight the need to comfort her, so he took a step closer, but the vet got there first dropping down on his knees beside her. Like she knew what was coming PJ slumped forward, her hands resting on the ground and all he could hear were her deep agonizing breaths, in and out, in and out.

  “We’ll let you know if anything changes, PJ.”

  Without giving her a chance to argue, Christopher helped her up, holding her steady while she wiped her tears. Luke took another step forward, the rational part of him shutting down as instinct took ove
r. Everything he was, and at this point that wasn’t much, was hers, if she’d only take the step that separated them and just let him in. As the seconds joined together with her frozen to the spot and his heart pounding, it felt as though it was never going to happen. Then she glanced up, the tears still pouring down her face. He reached for her, gently capturing her hand.

  “Ah, come here, Darling.”

  And she did, her body falling against his, her arms wrapping so tight around his waist he found it difficult to breathe, not that he cared because nothing had ever felt so right.

  Chapter 13

  PJ was going to ruin another one of Luke’s shirts, but there was nothing she could do to stop it. The hurt she was feeling was simply too much to contain.

  She’d known friends who’d put animals down and never really understood why it had taken them months to get over it, but now she did. In the days since finding Vader, she’d created this perfect little scenario where they lived together and were inseparable, like all the other English people she’d seen lately with their dogs, sitting in pubs and walking along the Thames. He was supposed to be hers; she was going to love him, make sure he was never cold, hurt or hungry ever again and now she wasn’t.

  Luke gently kneaded her scalp, slowly tilting her head back before he kissed her. It wasn’t like the kisses he’d given her at the club, the ones that had made her toes curl because they held such passion, this kiss was something softer.

  “Come on, this isn’t doing you any good.”

  She didn’t argue when he carefully wiped her cheeks, nor when he tucked her against his side before escorting her out of the quarantine room and down the hall to the reception where Christopher was waiting.

  “We won’t let him suffer and we’ll let you know when it happens.”

  PJ nodded, the man beside her silent yet oddly comforting as he continued to hold her tight. Without another word, Luke led her to the car and helped her inside. It felt like she should say something, but she didn’t.

  Landmarks came and went as they drove through the dark streets. She had absolutely no idea where they were when he pulled up in front of a restaurant.

  “I think we could do with a drink, don’t you?”

  Again she didn’t argue when he took her hand to help her out of the car, or when he led her inside, seating her in a booth at the far end of the small room before he headed to the bar, returning moments later with two tumblers of liquor.

  Easing into the seat beside her Luke sat down, watching her raise the glass. The sweet woody smell of the brandy hit her nose a second before she took a sip and choked.

  “I’m so sorry you have to go through this. How long have you owned him?”

  Peering up at him over the rim, PJ eyed him as he moved closer.

  “Technically I haven’t owned him at all; I found him behind a rubbish skip two days ago.”

  “So he’s … not your dog?”

  Luke looked utterly confused and she could hardly blame him. “He was nobody’s dog, he’s a stray and he was hurt, but—”

  “But?”

  Again he moved closer, his thigh pressing against hers, his hand very, very near her glass. Part of her, the sensible part, wanted to move away, yet the fear she felt towards him had shifted. While not entirely gone, it now seemed less relevant.

  “Have you ever had that feeling when something feels so right, it just can’t be wrong?” PJ never had, not really, not until Vader. Even Sam who had ticked all the boxes at the beginning had left her feeling uneasy at times and that was well before the Becky episode. Afterwards, he’d just left her feeling sick. Glancing back up from her glass, she found Luke staring again. “Well, he was my right, but it would seem I wasn’t his. I was too late to save him.” And the tears were back, stinging her eyes and refusing to stop.

  Luke had held a lot of women while they cried, and most of the time he’d caused them to. The tears were a release, a sign that he’d taken them where they needed to go. But he’d also held his sisters, night after night while they’d cried themselves to sleep after their mother stopped caring so much about them and started caring more about vodka, whiskey and gin. That feeling, the one he remembered from all those years ago was so vastly different from what he’d felt at the club after a scene, even before his views had changed. The way they’d turned to him, seeking comfort, he’d have done anything to give it to them and that’s how he felt now. Taking PJ’s hand, he squeezed it ever so gently before lacing his fingers through hers. She didn’t pull away like he expected her to; she didn’t squeeze him back either.

  “It’s not over yet, PJ, sometimes these things take a little longer to sort themselves out.”

  More tears fell so he brushed them away while she watched him, her beautiful eyes wary and shadowed. He was about to ask her if she was okay when a waitress appeared, placing a bowl between them. Waiting a moment until they were alone again, Luke picked up the spoon, scooped up a piece of sticky date pudding then smothered it with caramel sauce.

  “I’ve personally found that this,” he tapped the bowl, “always makes things better, especially if you team it with that.” Gently he captured her hand and lowered the glass as he ran the edge of the spoon across her lips. What he wouldn’t give to be able to kiss her, to lick the glossy trail of sauce, but he never got the chance because she did it before opening her mouth, and very reluctantly allowing him to feed her.

  “See? I’m not so bad.”

  She frowned at that.

  “Eat, Baby, it’ll make you feel better.”

  Obediently she picked up the other spoon, only to push the dessert around the bowl. He watched her, fascinated by her graceful movements before he commandeered the spoon from her, loaded it with cake, then raised it to her lips.

  “Eat.”

  She stared at him with a look something between anger and frustration before she opened her mouth. When he went to pull away, she gently took the spoon from him.

  “Okay, I get the hint.”

  She ate quietly, avoiding the ice cream while working her way through the cake. Every couple of mouthfuls she’d peek up, he’d raise a brow then she’d continue as he watched. Luke had spent a lot of time in the company of beautiful women, ones who understood the power they could hold over a man and they tried without fail, all of them, to use it against him, yet none of them had a thing on PJ. She was without question, the most exquisite woman he’d ever met.

  When she finally spoke again, it was without tears. “I’m sorry if I hurt you, at the club, with the things I said. I never expected to see you again and I wasn’t prepared for it, at all.”

  Before he could answer, Luke’s phone vibrated. He’d been ignoring it for the last two hours, but he couldn’t much longer. Thomas would be in Germany dealing with shit that was Luke’s. Despite that he still couldn’t bring himself to care right now.

  “You were scared, I understand that, I really do and I’m sorry as well. It was an underhanded tactic to drag Gabriel into this, but I was desperate. I needed to see you.”

  When she wouldn’t look at him, Luke stroked her cheek, turning her back to him. “Do you hate me after what you heard, PJ, or were you just shocked by it?”

  “I don’t hate you, but I don’t understand you at all.”

  Neither did he and that was the problem. Everything he thought he knew had changed, irrevocably so. He could never go back, but he couldn’t see what lay ahead either, all he could see was her.

  “I know I can’t give you the answers you need, but I want to try and explain, if you’ll let me?”

  That got him a smile, “You don’t have to. I’m not judging you or your subs. It’s just not for me.”

  She honestly believed that and Luke wasn’t about to push, but the way she’d reacted to the spanking and the crop—she understood alright, far more than a novice should.

  “PJ, Darling.” She frowned at the endearment. “If you ignore everything other than the hours we shared, could you see us together?�
��

  Luke saw an expression somewhere between fear and guilt wash over her face. It was all he needed to confirm his suspicions. “You can, can’t you? You felt it too?” His thumb was so close to caressing her lips, but something stopped him.

  “I can’t, Luke. I’m not what you want.”

  “What if all I want is a new start, a complete change from everything I’ve ever known and done? I’m so God damn tired of it all. I just want someone who’s mine, someone I can get to know like normal people do without the negotiations and the games. Someone like you. I want to know what makes you smile,” he brushed a finger across her cheek, “and how to stop your tears. I want to know you.”

  “And then what? I did psychology for a couple of years. People don’t change overnight. Clearly you have needs that I’ll never be able to meet and I don’t want to. It’s just that simple.”

  With a flick of her head she pulled away from him. He could tell she was getting flustered again and he could feel her anger simmering too.

  “It would never work. I’m sorry, Luke.”

  She went quiet, completely shutting down as she stared at the plate, the glass, anything but him.

  “How about I take you home?”

  Oh, thank Christ. PJ was very close to losing it, she was so mentally exhausted after the last few days not to mention emotionally fragile. Luke had been sweet and incredibly considerate tonight, but if this madness between them didn’t end, she was going to start yelling again.

  “Yes, please.”

  Thankfully he was quiet until he had her securely seated in the car, then the one-sided conversation continued as he told her about his job and asked about hers. It was the first time since she’d moved to London that anyone had actually asked her outright what she did. PJ didn’t want to lie, but saying she did nothing made her sound like a loser, so she went with the first thing that came to mind. It was also something she’d been thinking a lot about over the last few days. Very soon she’d be working in charity.