When the water covered my body, I turned off the faucet and realized that Sebastian was right there, leaning against the bathroom door and staring at me intently. His eyes darted towards the vomit on the floor and then he looked back at me with an unfathomable look on his face. Traitorous tears ran down my cheeks yet again and restless waves—caused by my uncontrollable shaking—started forming in the water. Terrified that he would punish me because I had vomited all over the floor, I curled into a ball and rested my head on my knees. I had no intention to move from that position. He exhaled deeply and I heard him approach me. The loud pounding of my heart punctuated each step he made as I repeated the mantra in my head. Please no. Please no. He knelt next to the bathtub, and having him only inches away from me made the already overwhelming panic even more unbearable. His breath sent shivers down my spine as it lingered on my skin. My own breathing became rapid and I panted nervously; I had no idea what he intended to do to me. As his hand cupped my face, I jerked under his touch and my muscles convulsed when he lifted up my chin and made me look at him. Too ashamed to return his gaze, I tried to look away, but his grip tightened and he succeeded at fixating my eyes on his.
“D-don’t. P-Please don’t. I-I’m sorry,” I shouted in desperation, choking on my tears and begging him not to do whatever he was intent on doing.
“I won’t,” he said in a cold voice.
“I’m s-sorry,” I kept stuttering.
“Stop apologizing.” His ruthless voice warned me that it would be in my best interest to shut up.
Moments of deadly silence passed by with neither of us doing or saying anything. With an empty mind, I just stared at the restless water, silently humming a lullaby my father used to sing to us when we were children. My mind tried to escape into a happy place—back when I was ignorant of all the wickedness that ruled the world. Back to the time before my father became a nasty alcoholic, when I was protected and innocent. I tried to think about anything else but Sebastian’s threatening closeness. At that moment, I would have rather been in the ninth circle of hell than trapped in that bathroom with him. I would have rather been tortured by the devil than by Sebastian’s cruel gaze.
“Why didn’t you tell me you were a virgin?” His unexpected question broke the silence.
I shivered and swallowed hard with the emergence of a fresh memory. It didn’t make any sense. Why would I tell him something he already knew? He couldn’t have possibly been that ignorant. I wanted to say something but the words were stuck in my throat.
“Are you sick?” he asserted after I didn’t answer his first question.
Anger surged through his face and I could tell he was annoyed by my unremitting silence.
“Answer me, Isabelle. Don’t make me force it out of you.”
Excruciating dread emerged within me at the sound of the threat uttered by his upset voice.
“N-No, please. I... I thought you knew.” I trailed off.
“And what made you think that? It wasn’t exactly written on your face.” He wasn’t even remotely touched by my distress.
I was absolutely sure he was toying with me, but even though he tried to hide his inner turmoil with his cold and dominant demeanor, his eyes gave it away.
Through tears, I whispered the only words I could tell him. “T-the examination... b-before the wedding.”
He gazed at me without saying anything, his eyes cold and distant. A curse filled with emotion crossed his lips before he ordered me to get out of the tub and make myself ready, because he had some important business meeting he had to attend. Suddenly, the bitter realization that I had no clothes to wear hit me. I lowered my gaze and addressed him.
“Sir…” My voice cracked.
“What?” he snapped.
“I d-don’t have anything to w-wear,” I barely stuttered the words through my sobs.
He rolled his eyes, preparing to spill his venomous words again.
“And what do you want me to do about it? You have your wedding gown, don’t you? I’m sure you’ll enjoy putting it on one more time.” He mocked me.
“P-Please, I c-can’t.” I couldn’t stop stuttering and I dreaded the mere thought of wearing the dress that represented all of my misery.
“I don’t have time for this nonsense. It’s already well past noon and I have things to do.” He arched his eyebrows and took a sharp breath, revealing presence of agitation that seethed through his impatient voice. “There’s nothing else to wear so get out of that tub and get dressed.”
I knew it was in my best interest to obey him, but the thought of him seeing me naked again troubled me deeply. His menacing gaze was more than I could handle at that moment so I hugged my knees even tighter and remained in the bathtub.
“Isabelle,” he warned me.
He cursed once more and then shook his head at me. “Do you want me to leave?” He’d read my mind and I nodded, hoping he would grant my wish.
“A husband and wife don’t hide from each other. You better get used to being naked around me because it will be happening. A lot.”
A small part of me hoped he would grant me that small shred of dignity, but even after what he had done to me, I still naively underestimated the depth of his hatred. It seemed as though he enjoyed humiliating me, and nothing I did or said could evoke even a bit of compassion in him. I closed my eyes and tried to collect some of the near non-existing courage within me to stand up. I tried to be brave. I swear I tried, but too many bad things had happened to me in a matter of a few hours and instead of getting out of that bathtub, I broke down whimpering in front of him again. He made me look into his murky eyes and I expected him to force me to stand up, but he didn’t. For a while, I felt I was being studiously inspected by his dark gaze and my teeth began to chatter when I saw he was about to speak.
“You have exactly fifteen minutes to get ready while I go down to reception and talk to them about the little accident that happened here.” He glanced at the dirty bathroom floor and I looked away in shame. “Think of it as a favor that will be repaid later.”
I found myself thanking him when I really wasn’t supposed to be grateful. After all, he did tell me that I would have to pay for his small gesture of mercy and I was sure I had just made a deal with the devil. When he left, I got up fast, fighting the pain in the process. The adrenaline rushed through me and all I could think about was that I had to get dressed as quickly as possible. When I returned to the room, I noticed that the blood-stained sheets had been thrown on the floor and a heavy stone of shame settled in my chest. I knew he had been the one who removed them. The urge to throw up returned to my stomach, but I fought it with all my will, because I knew I was running out of time. I turned towards the white pile of my wedding clothes—which was still lying on the floor in the exact same spot where I had been humiliated by him—and I jerked as a scary flashback returned to haunt me. I took a deep breath and decided that I had to pull myself together. I quickly managed to put on my underwear, but putting on that dress turned out to be much more difficult. When I managed to put it on, I thought I was going to pass out. I was sore all over as it was, and the corset of the dress was pressing on my lungs, making it hard to breathe.
I walked up to the balcony door and observed the city panorama. My fingers ran along the white dress and images of the wedding preparations the day before flashed before my eyes. There was no point in analyzing what had transpired, but I couldn’t help it. The questions kept coming to my mind. Why was I so weak? Why had I let my mother control me? Why hadn’t I run away? What could have been different? There were thousands of questions and not one single answer that made sense. The physical and emotional pain was growing and despite having taken a bath, I still felt dirty. I needed to get away from that room because everything reminded me of what I so badly wanted to forget.
The door squealed signalizing Sebastian’s return and the moment I heard it, my arms were protectively wrapped around my middle.
“I hope you’re ready.” I
turned around when I heard his voice. “We’re going home.”
The realization that this ‘home’ was now my home, hit me. I wondered where that home was and though I didn’t want to go with him, I knew I had no choice, because he was my husband. I nodded and marched toward the door. Walking was a big struggle and once we were in the elevator, a wave of dizziness hit me. The walls seemed to be closing in on me and a claustrophobic feeling clawed at me. Sebastian kept looking at me, watchfully following my every move and it made my uneasiness even more obvious to him.
“Are you hurting?” he asked with a cold, serious expression on his face, but his voice was softer this time.
My cheeks turned red as I bit my lower lip and chose not to answer his question, focusing on my dizziness instead. He seemed upset by my reaction, but didn’t respond on it. Once the elevator door opened, I tripped on my way out and ended up kneeling on the floor, completely disoriented. Sebastian was helping me up when the security guard approached us.
“Can I help you with anything, Sir? Is the lady alright?” The man was curious.
“I’m fine,” I said when I was back on my feet at last. “J-Just a bit dizzy,” I mumbled.
The man’s curious eyes wouldn’t look away from me. Then I noticed that all of the few people in the lobby stared at me with suspicious expressions on their faces. My eyes were focused on the floor when Sebastian grabbed my elbow and walked me out of the hotel. It seemed that I would feel eternally embarrassed. I was sure everyone in that lobby knew what he had done to me the previous night. Tears of shame burned my eyes even though I was so tired of crying.
He helped me into his car and didn’t talk to me for the most of the ride. I looked outside while tears blurred my vision and I tried to pretend that nothing around me was real.
“Pull yourself together. We’re in public and I don’t want a picture of my upset wife in the newspapers tomorrow. You can cry all you like when we get home.” He was agitated.
He’d said it again. Home. Wherever it was that he was taking me, I knew it would never feel like home. I tried my best to muffle my sobs and stop the tears that annoyed him so much. I noticed he was upset because he started speeding way above the limit again. The tremendous speed made me feel even more uncomfortable, but I didn’t dare to ask him to slow down. Instead, I clenched my hands around myself, fighting the numb pain. After a long time that stretched in frigid stillness, we passed the very outskirts of the city and reached the remote area of the fancy neighborhood where, by the looks of it, only tremendously rich people lived. He pulled up into one of the driveways and used his cell phone to open the gates. I was awestruck by the beautiful lawn, huge garden and the mansion that was apparently going to be my golden cage. I knew I wouldn’t fit in there as a maid—let alone as his wife.
“This is it,” he informed me when we pulled up in front of the mansion.
He got out of the car without saying anything else and I followed him to the door. I stood by the entrance, not knowing whether I should go after him or wait for someone else. To my surprise, everything inside seemed to be even more luxurious than what I’d seen at his parent’s house. He stopped by the stairs and turned to me with an irritated look on his face.
“Come. Quickly.”
He started climbing the stairs and I followed him to the first floor and through the hallway, until he led me to the one of the many doors.
“This is one of the guest rooms.” He opened the door and we walked in. “All of your things are already here.” He motioned towards the small pile of bags and boxes. “One of the maids will show you around later.”
As an uncomfortable silence embraced the space between us, he remained, staring at me for a while, seemingly lost in thought. He looked like he desperately wanted to say something else but after a few moments, he turned around and left the room.
Chapter Ten
I was alone in the middle of a spacious, lavishly decorated room. Every detail fit in perfectly, creating an astonishing whole. The only thing that stood out was the pile of my bags, filled with clothes that definitely didn’t seem appropriate for that place. When I looked around, absorbing the surroundings, the first thing that caught my attention was the huge king-sized bed. The fact that I was a married woman made me dread I would have to share that bed with Sebastian. An image of the hotel room bed sprang to my mind and I shuddered. I opened the walk-in closet but it was empty. In fact, nothing in that room implied that he slept there. After all, he did accentuate that I was occupying one of the guest rooms, which probably meant he didn’t want us to share a bed together. Still, I couldn’t fight back my fears.
Despite the fact that I had taken a long bath in the hotel, the thought of taking a shower wouldn’t leave my mind. When I entered the adjoining bathroom, my reflection in the huge mirror shocked me. My entire face was puffy. My eyes swollen from crying and ringed with dark circles and bags, showing I’d had almost no sleep in the past twenty-four hours. Ragged loose hair fell over the wrinkled white dress and only contributed to making me look terrible. I looked exactly the way I felt—destroyed. As I let the white gown fall on the floor, another image of the prior night came back to haunt me. My tortured spirit traveled back to that room where I’d stood in front of him in nothing but my underwear. Pure, animalistic rage emerged from me and I started ripping my wedding dress apart. I yelled, wept and sobbed while shredding the shiny, smooth fabric to pieces. When I finally lost the last of my strength, I turned on the shower and sat under the water flow, sinking into numbness. It was done. Irreparable. Irrevocable.
Only when my skin started to wrinkle and I trembled from the cold, did I turn off the shower. Apart from the fact that I was an emotional wreck, I still had to deal with the pain and the thumping headache that wouldn’t go away. When I returned to the room with nothing but a towel wrapped around my body, I quickly took a few clothing items from one of the bags and hurried into the bathroom to get dressed. When I came back, I noticed that there were two pills and a glass of water on the nightstand. The edge of a small piece of paper was visible under the glass. I raised the glass and read the content of the note. “For pain.” Given the fact that I still didn’t know anyone there and Sebastian was generally unconcerned about my well-being, I was more than curious about where the painkillers had come from. I remembered how he’d asked me if I was hurting in the elevator, but didn’t press the issue afterwards. I wondered if it was possible that he felt bad because I was in pain, but then I recalled how annoyed he’d been when I was crying in the car and I realized that he didn’t give a damn if I was hurting or not. Against my better judgment, since I wasn’t sure what the pills on the table were, I swallowed both of them at once and drank the water from the glass. Exhausted, I collapsed on the bed, still obsessing that he would join me. But I was so tired that even fear couldn’t keep me awake. My eyelids became heavy almost instantly and sleep claimed me.
***
Air! I needed air. I was suffocating. I felt his weight on top of me again and I couldn’t breathe. There was a knock on the door in the background. Please, someone help me. My lips formed the words to tell him that I couldn’t breathe, but no sound came out. I couldn’t speak. All I could do was push the dry air out of my lungs. The knocking continued, but my throat remained dry and as much as I urged myself to speak, I couldn’t. I was sure I was dying. Suddenly, I heard a woman’s voice.
My eyes flew open as I jerked up, gasping for air. For a moment, I didn’t know where I was or what had happened to me, but I remembered everything when I looked around the room. My eyes inspected the bed and I noticed that the other side of it was untouched, which, to my relief, meant he hadn’t slept next to me. It had just been a horrible nightmare.
“Madam? Are you alright, madam?”
As I gradually came to my senses, I saw that there was a woman standing next to the bed. She must have been the one who woke me up. She came closer and put her palm on my forehead to check if I had a fever.
“I’m
fine.” I moved away. “I just had a bad dream,” I said and she frowned like she wasn’t convinced. “Who... Who are you?” I finally asked.
“I’m Anne. I’ve worked for the Everett family for years, so you can trust me.” It must have been obvious that I was suspicious of her.
“I’m Isabelle.” I felt awkward.
“I know, Mr. Everett asked me to show you around and get you anything you need, madam,” she explained.
I still didn’t feel at ease around that woman but letting her call me madam seemed ridiculous.
“Please, call me Isabelle,” I offered and she smiled at me. “If it’s not a problem,” I started, “I need ten minutes in the bathroom to get dressed and brush my teeth.”
“Of course it’s not a problem. Take your time. I’ll be waiting right here. But please, eat first.”
Virtue & Vanity Page 7