He stood there motionless, and yet I was intimidated by him. Eventually, he walked up to me and I cowered away as fear coursed through me. His eyes warned me not to argue when he ripped the book from my trembling hands. After he scanned its covers his eyes locked with mine again.
“I have to say, I’m not at all impressed by your choice of reading,” he taunted.
That man had to shame me for everything. In a desperate attempt to avoid his knowing eyes, I nervously looked around for a while. As I tried to mentally prepare for his fire of hatred, tears pricked my eyes. With all my will, I struggled to hold them back.
“I’m sorry you feel that way,” I managed to say with my dignity still intact.
“Next time when you decide to tear down shelves to get to ridiculous books, you might want to consider the fact that all of the luxury that surrounds you didn’t fall from the sky. Believe it or not, someone has to work for it. That someone is me and I don’t like to be interrupted while I’m working.” His voice was calm, but his eyes sent a message of fury.
I looked down and whispered. “I understand.”
He lifted up my chin and my mind flashed back to when I was crying in the bathtub after our wedding night—he’d done the same then. I couldn’t move.
“Don’t look away from me,” his quiet voice warned.
The rhythm of my breathing increased as he let his hand fall down to my breast and abdomen. His grip tightened around my hip as the shivering vibrations ran through my body. He leaned really close, never moving his gaze from mine. Without a doubt, he could see the traces of unshed tears in my eyes and he looked like he was fighting something. My lips trembled as his were only an inch away. If it wasn’t for his tight grip, I was sure I would pass out from fear. The scent of his cologne lurked in the air and the moment I smelled it, scary images flashed in my mind. The pounding of my heart rose up to my ears and I couldn’t handle his closeness anymore. Tears inched their way out, betraying me once again. He immediately stepped back and released me.
“Relax. I’m not going to fuck you,” he scoffed at me and left.
His words instilled paralyzing terror in me again, leaving me numb with fear of what would come. I’d made myself believe he didn’t want any physical contact with me anymore, but he’d proved me wrong. Furious with myself for knocking over the damn shelf the very day he was home, I started picking up books that were lying around, and stacked them together.
***
Anne found me fighting with a pile of books only minutes after the incident with Sebastian. He had to have told her to come to me. I tried to hide how shaken I was, but given the worried look on her face, it was clear that I was very bad at it.
“What happened here, dear?” she asked curiously.
“My stupidity. That’s what happened,” I scowled at myself. “I wanted to reach a book and wound up crushing the entire shelf.” My voice cracked as I tried to clarify what took place in the library.
“Don’t worry about it. These things happen. The repairman will fix everything. Don’t waste your energy on it,” she soothed.
I nodded with appreciation, but I couldn’t relax after what had happened. Panic took hold of me and wouldn’t let go. Anne took my hand and helped me stand up. She gave me a tight hug, and I broke down. After everything that had happened, I never once had any source of comfort apart from that kind gesture. I sobbed on her shoulder, accepting her warm solace.
“It’s alright,” she said as she stroked my hair. “Let it out, whatever it is, just let it out.”
And I did, until I had no more tears to cry. A bond that would never be broken was created between us. When I managed to get a hold of myself, we just sat next to each other without uttering as much as a single word.
“I’m so afraid of him. Of what he’ll do to me,” I mumbled after a long break of silence.
“Sebastian?” she asked cautiously and I nodded.
“I can’t sleep at night. It’s always on my mind.” My cheeks reddened as I confessed that I was terrified of my husband.
She observed my sad face for a while, wiped away one of my fresh tears and tentatively brushed her hand over my shoulder.
“I’ve known him since he was a child Isabelle, and, in a way, he’s like a son to me. Sometimes he can be harsh or seem cruel, but there is a very noble and good man behind that mask. You have to give yourself and him some time.” She hoped her words would comfort me.
“You don’t know what he’s done.” I couldn’t look her in the eyes when I said that. I couldn’t think about it without feeling desperately ashamed.
For a while neither of us spoke. Honestly, I didn’t blame her, because it was obvious her words wouldn’t help me at that moment. I was drained and in desperate need of some peace and quiet.
“Thank you, Anne. You don’t know how grateful I am.” I hugged her.
She squeezed my hand. “I’m here for you. Anytime you need to talk to somebody.”
I thanked her one more time and looked at her wanly before heading off to my room.
After a few hours of restless sleep, I woke up with a light headache. The tension wouldn’t leave my system and I spent most of the time tossing and turning in my bed instead of sleeping, because I didn’t want to go through another nightmare. It was dinner time, and I felt relieved because I knew Sebastian wouldn’t be there. I took a short shower in the bathroom, fixed my hair and opened the closet to find some decent clothes to wear. The only problem was that, as I had already perceived earlier, even my best clothing items seemed inappropriate for that place. When I managed to find a pair of jeans and a shirt that didn’t look like it had been washed a hundred times, I glanced at my reflection in the mirror and once again became aware that I still didn’t look decent enough. After deciding I was too hungry to continue digging through the closet, I accepted the fact that I was a walking fashion disaster and headed downstairs.
When I entered the dining room, I was in complete shock by what I found there. Sebastian sat at the table, glaring at me. His eyes traveled over my body, making my cheeks burn because I felt terribly exposed. I could tell he questioned my choice of clothing because he sighed in disappointment after taking his eyes off me. Visibly shaken, I took a seat across from him. I fumbled with the table cloth, keeping my gaze focused on it the entire time. He cleared his throat seemingly seeking my attention. I moistened my lips, let out a sigh and then looked up at him for a split second. He wouldn’t take his eyes off me and an immense rush of insecurity washed over me. Theresa walked in with a tray of food and kept that annoying smirk on her face the whole time.
“Thank you, Theresa,” Sebastian said after she was done serving us dinner.
Instead of thanking her as well, I flashed a courteous smile and looked away from her malicious gaze. My ice cold, unpredictable husband and I and were alone again. It was absurd that I felt threatened by him even in ridiculous situations such as eating dinner. Convinced that he was inspecting my every move, I was very meticulous about my choice of cutlery. It must have been extremely amusing watching me sweat over knives and forks. He actually smiled when he noticed my uneasiness, but that smile had been replaced with his cold mask within seconds.
“I see you’ve got the hang of it,” he commented on the fact that I’d managed to eat properly in front of him.
“I’ve been practicing,” I replied quietly.
“I know.” His eyes sparkled with amusement and it was obvious that he was referring to the tape that Mr. Andre made for him.
Imagining him watch that tape made me feel uneasy, and I couldn’t bring myself to say anything. The rest of our meal went by in a quiet, tensed atmosphere. Having dinner together felt unnatural and I just couldn’t wait to get out of there. His demeanor was intense and unfathomable. More than anything, I wanted to know exactly what his intentions were, because my mind was coming up with some pretty dreadful ideas. As his eyes glared at me with their green mysterious depths, I became more restless. If he was playing som
e kind of game with me, which was probably the case, I had to get out of there. I got up without thinking and found myself in a very weird situation because I didn’t know what to say to him.
“I,” I said in a whisper and he raised his eyebrows as a sign that he was listening to me. “I am,” I had no idea what to say, “…a little tired.” That wasn’t completely untrue.
He mumbled something under his breath and then spoke with condescending clarity.
“You’re free to go.” He smirked. “I’m not holding you hostage here, am I!?”
The blush caused by his comment heated up my cheeks and I almost ran out of the dining room. I couldn’t walk fast enough to get away from him. Once in the room, I closed the door and leaned on it, gasping for air. The events of the day troubled me. First the library disaster and then he showed up for dinner. It was a lot more Sebastian in one day than I could possibly handle.
The ringing of my cell phone summoned me back to reality. I picked it up and Mother’s controlling, high-pitched, honeyed voice greeted me from the other side. I opened the balcony door right away because I needed some fresh air.
“Hi honey. It’s Mom,” she said in a lively voice.
“Hi, Mother.” I was less excited about hearing her.
“How’s the married life?” She practically sang the words.
“Fine.” I decided that I wouldn’t share any details with her.
“Oh, I have so much to tell you. I went to church yesterday and everybody’s been asking about your wedding. Why, it’s the event of the year here in Rosemont,” she teased in her deep southern accent.
“I’m glad you’re enjoying the attention.” I didn’t even try to make it sound like I meant it in a nice way.
“Well, it has been a bit overwhelming I have to say. It’s not easy to play the role of your mother right now. You should see all the jealous looks I get from the other women,” she complained.
Only she would think that the other women were jealous of her. They were probably shocked by the way I’d gotten married—but then again, the people in Rosemont were so unpredictable, that nothing would come to me as a surprise.
“I know it hasn’t been easy for you,” I said, without hiding the irony in my voice.
She sighed. “Well, honey, there is nothing that a mother wouldn’t do for her daughter.”
Was she for real? I was so angry with her that I couldn’t even reply. She must have gotten the message because she didn’t say anything else either. After moments of silence she said that Ashley was impatient to talk to me, so she would hand her the phone. I felt relieved, excited and sad at the same time, because I had missed Ashley so much in the past weeks.
“Isa?” The sound of her voice brought an immediate smile to my face.
“Ashley. I can’t believe it’s you. I’ve missed you so much. How are you?” Excitement coated my voice.
“I’m fine. I would be great if you were here. Jane is really nagging me. I wish you were here to set her straight.”
“Nobody can set that girl straight.” We started laughing at the same time.
“How are you doing?” she asked an innocent question that wiped away the smile from my face.
“I’ve had better days.” Sadness radiated from my voice and I felt guilty for sharing it with Ashley. I could lie to Mother, but not to her.
“Isa, the school-break starts in two weeks. Maybe I can visit you and cheer you up? What do you say?”
“I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I tried to maintain an even breath. “I’m sorry.”
She had already planned everything, but I couldn’t let her come and witness my misery. I knew she was disappointed, but I couldn’t let her visit me and see the bad situation I was trapped in.
“Well, another time then. Please, at least tell me it’s not boring and that you’re having fun.” She wanted to cheer me up.
I was about to reply when the sound of the turning doorknob startled me. Suddenly, the door opened wide and those cold green eyes were glaring at me.
“Isa... are you alright?” Ashley was getting worried when I gasped in the phone. “Isa what’s going on?” She tried to get me to talk to her, but I was so anxious that I couldn’t get a hold of myself.
“A-Ashley, sorry. I have to go. I-I’ll call you back,” I managed to get the words out before hanging up the phone.
I didn’t know what to do. What I had feared for days was actually happening. Sebastian was in my room and my intuition warned me that all of my nightmares were going to come true.
Chapter Twelve
I went from shocked to miserable and frightened in a matter of seconds. That awful incident in the library seemed to have opened Pandora’s Box, and it couldn’t be closed again. Afraid to do anything, I remained standing, frozen on the exact same spot, waiting for his next move. I hugged my waist, panting for air and anticipating the worst. He appeared to be completely in control, amused by the tension.
“I thought you were tired.” He looked at me, his eyes accusing.
I was cornered, like a criminal about to be punished. He seemed to be too curious about what I would say in my defense, but he didn’t push me to answer. Instead he just stood there, patiently waiting for my justification like he had all the time in the world, which was unusual behavior for him. Still, even though I knew that much, I was stuck in a very sticky situation, because I didn’t know where his strange demeanor would lead to.
“I was... I mean, I am tired. It’s just that my mother called me just as I was about to lie down,” I finally mumbled.
When I finished, he didn’t say anything. His gaze remained on my face for a while and then, to my surprise, he walked calmly towards the closet, opened it and started going through my clothes. I observed in shame as he pulled everything out of the wardrobe. Radiating an aura of apparent disbelief, he was stretching my shirts, trousers and blouses, before throwing them on the floor. At times he would take a piece of clothing in his hands, then look at me with an expression of disapproval on his face. I blushed and didn’t make a sound while he took the liberty of tainting my personal space in such a humiliating manner. Every clothing item I possessed wound up on the floor after Sebastian’s inspection. I didn’t know why he was doing it. Maybe he was throwing me out?
“Is that everything you have to wear?” He gaped at the pile of clothes and then turned towards me.
“Yes, Sir,” I said quietly.
“Stop with the Sir bullshit. It’s ridiculous. I am your husband for heaven’s sake!” He was definitely annoyed.
“What should I call you then?” I barely dared to ask.
“You should call me by my name. I do hope you know it.” His voice was venomous.
“Yes, Si... I mean...” I pushed myself to say it. “Sebastian.” The sound of his name rolling off my lips sounded so unreal, so unnatural.
He let out a breath I imagined to be sprinkled with icy coldness and for a fracture of a second it seemed like he stood dead in tracks, taken aback by the remaining echo of my voice, whispering his sophisticated name. He sneered as I looked down; avoiding his inquiring stare and the sight of his threatening, firm posture.
“My pretty wife,” he muttered in a familiar tone that was hurtful, but also accentuated by a rare presence of raw, instinctive emotion, “dressed in rags?” More than a statement, it was a question, asked in such a puzzling manner, like he was bothered by the sight of my shabby-looking wardrobe on a level that reflected more than sole demands of his vain pride. “I don’t ever want to see you wear any of these things again.” I winced at the unexpected sound of his deep, patronizing voice and he stopped, disrupted by my fretful reaction.
The stretching silence made the anticipation all the more unbearable and I looked back into those cold eyes, expecting a strong, verbal blow, but what I got was a rephrased and diplomatic reprimand instead.
“You should know that you’re expected to dress differently at this place. Besides, I’m sure you’re aware this marr
iage made it possible for you to afford things that match your new lifestyle. I advise you to take advantage of that.”
I swallowed and then spoke in a small, frightful voice that was burdened by a dangerous trait of remaining pride. “I’d prefer not to.”
Those contradicting words seemed to have locked out a stormy reaction within him, causing his already murky gaze to darken and imprison me under its refined superiority. There was no side road I could take to escape the suppressed undertone of boiling detest that seethed from those eyes. The earnestness with which he stared at me, made him look tortured and seemingly weak for only a second, but the very moment he realized I might be getting closer to deciphering a small part of the labyrinth that represented his complicated conduct, he looked away and that fragile thread of humanity had evaporated from his face.
“This is neither a matter of preference, nor the time for false pretences. Helen will go shopping with you tomorrow morning. I want to see you dressed appropriately,” he emphasized the last word and then lowered his voice. “Understood?”
“Yes. Understood,” I complied, but my act of pathetic submission didn’t help matters.
“That pile over there,” he referred to my old clothes, “will be given to charity tomorrow. I can’t believe they’ve let you walk around dressed like that for the past few weeks,” he said and his eyes darted towards the last separate closet compartment.
My heart raced as he opened it and pulled out the shredded remains of what used to be my wedding gown. He took the longest time to take his eyes off of it, but when he did, they darted right towards mine and they were once again furious. However, it was fury that his voice wouldn’t show.
“The one decent piece of clothing you have in your closet, and look what you’ve done to it. What is the meaning of this?”
As I expected, he was playing another one of his mind games, keeping up the composed act while his entire expression screamed murder. The fact that he was angry while we were alone in a room with a king-sized bed terrorized me, and seeing that dress again made me completely frantic, because it reminded me what he was capable of doing. I didn’t want to draw his attention, but I couldn’t stop the tremor. Fear was a mighty enemy and I was losing the battle. As soon as the destroyed wedding dress ended up on the top of the pile, he made a move towards me and I immediately flinched. And there was that dark smirk on his face again. After studying me from the distance, he decided to come closer. Like always, my hysteria grew as his presence closed up on me. For a while, he observed as I struggled to remain calm and then he leaned over to me and whispered in my ear.
Virtue & Vanity Page 9