Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  Chapter Eighteen

  I opened my eyes, not sure where I was or what had happened. My eyelids closed at once because I was blinded by the golden sunlight that filled the room. My face was burning and I had a thumping headache. I felt the pressure on my lungs which extended every time I would take a breath. After being conscious for a short time, I couldn’t fight the exhaustion anymore and I drifted back to sleep.

  I didn’t know how long I had slept, but the next thing I remember is hearing voices around me. Somebody removed a lock of hair which was glued to my sweaty face and rested a cold palm against my hot forehead.

  “She is burning up. Maybe I should call a doctor.” I recognized Sebastian’s gruff voice and I was sure I was hallucinating.

  “We need to cool her down. I’ll give her a Tylenol to reduce the fever.” I heard Anne and I wanted to tell her I’m awake, but my eyes were too heavy to open them.

  As I drifted in and out of consciousness, I kept hearing voices and movements around me. A wet towel absorbed the warmth from my brow and Anne asked me to open my mouth so I could take the pill which would help me. I don’t remember if I did as she told me, because everything went black again.

  ***

  I woke up to the sound of the dripping water. Somebody removed the wet, hot towel from my forehead and soon I felt the coolness of the cloth against my skin again. Eventually, I managed to open my tired eyes for only a moment, and I was surprised to see Sebastian sitting on the bed, staring at me. I noticed that I was wearing a nightgown and I had no recollection of putting it on. The last thing I remembered was being carried in Sebastian’s arms with nothing but a towel wrapped around my naked body. Why couldn’t I remember anything? My mind was playing tricks on me, I was sure of it. I wanted to open my eyes, but instead I fell asleep again.

  When I regained consciousness, everything around me was dark and I heard somebody breathing next to me. I smelled that cologne, the scent that frightened me, but I was too weak to worry about it. I heard myself moan because I couldn’t handle the throbbing pain in my head. The blankets moved and it startled me, so I was completely awake when the light filled the room and those emerald eyes confronted me with their gaze. My initial reaction to seeing him, half naked and terrifyingly close to me, could only be described as a genuine consternation which caused me to flinch and move away directly. After that, I remained still because I knew that even if I managed to get out of the bed, I wouldn’t have gotten very far, considering how poorly I was feeling. Sebastian rolled his eyes and sighed, a clear sign of irritation. He reached for me and pulled me closer to the center of the bed, because I was hanging onto the edge, like it was my only salvation. The moment I felt his arms around me, every hair at the back of my neck stood up and I shuddered. He loosened his grip, but he still wouldn’t let go of me. I tried to get away when he pressed his palm against my forehead, but he held me tightly, making it impossible for me to run. My weary heart beat loudly while I struggled to stay calm in his arms. In a lingering pace, his hand slid from my forehead to one of my burning cheeks and, at that moment, I knew I hadn’t hallucinated when I’d heard his voice and felt his palm on my face before. When he finally removed his hand from my burning skin, I let out a small gasp of relief. I was reluctant to let down my guard, fearing that he wanted to fool me with his patient composure.

  “Don’t worry.” His voice startled me. “Isabelle, you’re not feeling well. I won’t... I wouldn’t touch you while you’re sick.” He tried to reassure me, but it wasn’t even remotely enough to make me trust him.

  His voice was calm, just like the night before when he’d tried to soothe me in the bathroom and it only added to my confusion. I sensed that he expected some kind of a reply from me, but I didn’t know what to say. He had already hurt me so much that I couldn’t be grateful for that small sign of kindness he’d suddenly decided to show me. For a second, I hesitantly glanced at him and noticed he was focused on something that was hidden in the depths of his distant mind. He had that haunted look in his eyes, but his face was still a cold mask, hiding his true intentions. When he moved his hand which rested on my hip and I twitched, he closed his eyes and exhaled deeply like he tried to control his suppressed anger and it scared me.

  “How are you feeling?” His voice was distant again.

  “I have a bad headache,” I whispered, surprised by his question.

  He got up without a word, put on his pants and left the room. His worry for my condition had been strange and unexpected. No matter how hard I tried to realize what made him change his demeanor, I couldn’t put a finger on anything that made sense. Even though he was still ice cold and reserved, somehow I sensed that he would be less cruel to me in the future. However, I was aware that that wasn’t a guarantee he wouldn’t harm me. I watched as the door opened and he entered the room with a package of pills and a glass of water in his hands. He approached me, popped two of the pills in my hand and handed me the water.

  “For your headache,” he said with an agitated look on his face when he noticed I was reluctant to take the pills.

  “Thank you,” I said quietly, letting his green eyes pierce into me.

  His actions continued to confuse me, because his few kind gestures were shadowed by the darkness which escaped his cold gaze, reminding me that I should always be wary of him. For some reason, my hand shook as I took the pills and drank the water. I wasn’t afraid, not really, but I felt self-conscious about everything I did while he stared at me intently. He took the glass from my weak hand and placed it onto the nightstand. As he returned his gaze at me, a silent moment in which our worlds collided passed between us. He removed a strand of my hair which was stuck to my face and I cowered away from him, realizing that what I felt wasn’t fear, but shame. He had always been cruel towards me and because of that I didn’t know how a loving touch of a man should feel like, but his gesture evoked an emotion I knew he didn’t mean to cause. A single tear escaped my eye and he wiped it away with his thumb, just like he had the night before. An image of that moment flashed before my eyes, making me aware that he was the one who held all the power. He was the only man who’d ever touched me. He was the only one who’d consumed my body and soul, shattering both of them to pieces. He was my first and he would be my last, because no one could ever mend the damage he had caused, not even him—especially him.

  He stared at me like he could reach into my mind and read my thoughts, like he knew. And the scariest part was that, for the first time, he looked at me like it meant something to him.

  “You need to go to sleep. The pills will help you with the fever.” His soft voice brought me back to reality.

  He moved away from me, but he was still close, his eyes locked on mine. We remained in that position until the first rays of sun found their way into the room, and my eyes started getting heavy. Although I fought to stay awake, my mind drifted away, replacing the light of the dawn with the darkness of my dreams. Before my eyes shut to greet the darkness, I heard him getting dressed, unaware of the moment he got off of the bed. He snuck out of the room while I traveled into the scary world of nightmares.

  ***

  Later that morning, as I was waking up, I sensed the pain in my head had subsided and I was only dealing with a light headache. My forehead and cheeks were quite warm, but they weren’t burning like the day before. I was sensitive to the light, so it took me a while to open my eyes. The recollections of the past two days lingered in my mind, leaving me confused and wondering if everything had been just a dream. I turned my head towards the other side of the bed and noticed the wrinkled white sheet, which was the proof that Sebastian had spent the night with me. The package of the pills he had brought was also still standing on the nightstand. With itching curiosity, I reached for it to check if I knew the brand of the pills. I popped one of them into my hand and studied its shape. An unexplained sensation of shame washed over me as I recognized the pill in my hand. It was exactly the same like the ones someone left for me on my
first day in the house, when I was hurting after what had happened on that dreadful night with Sebastian. I gasped as the thought that he was probably the one who wanted to ease my pain that day crossed my mind. The realization that he cared about the physical pain he had inflicted upon me was in complete opposition to his behavior, because he continued intimidating me and showing me how much he hated me every single time I was near him.

  When I heard the squeaking sound of the door, I cringed and quickly threw away the pill, fearing Sebastian would enter the room. To my great pleasure, it was only Anne, carrying the tray with my breakfast. She put it in front of me and checked if my forehead was still burning. She had a worried look on her face, but managed to produce a smile.

  “How are you, dear? Do you feel any better?” It felt good to hear her warm voice.

  “I do. I don’t remember much of what happened yesterday though,” I confessed.

  “No wonder you don’t remember anything, you were burning with fever. Sebastian was so worried that he didn’t want to leave you out of his sight. He kept checking on you the entire day,” she said calmly.

  That piece of information left me in absolute shock. I wasn’t sure if she was lying, because I couldn’t imagine what could have possibly driven Sebastian to care for me. I chose not to comment on Anne’s words, so I started eating my breakfast without saying anything.

  “You should take a bath. It will help with the fever,” Anne advised me.

  “I know. I think I really need one, but I am still very weak,” I said softly.

  “Don’t worry, I will help you.” She smiled.

  “Where is Sebastian?” I remembered he could come in any moment.

  “He had to go to the company. He missed out on a lot of work yesterday.” She gave me the good news.

  When I finished eating, Anne ran a warm bath and helped me walk into the bathroom. After she left, I took off my clothes and sank into the water. Anne’s words about Sebastian’s behavior when I was burning with fever ran through my mind. Everything he was doing lately had been overwhelming and it didn’t make any sense. I couldn’t imagine what his motives were. Then I remembered that crazy condition in the contract and everything fell into place. He was obviously playing a game, knowing that approaching me with anger would only make things harder for him. It was obvious that he was suppressing his annoyance when I would cower away from his touch. And even though he tried to treat me in a different, more humane way, I was still frightened of him, because I knew he would hurt me the first time he got the chance. He made it clear that he wanted a divorce, and making me pregnant was the only way he would get it. Anguish possessed me, because I didn’t want him to try to consummate our marriage again, although I knew it was inevitable.

  ***

  After I took a bath, the idea of going back to bed seemed appalling, so I decided to go down to the library and maybe walk to the garden after I found something nice to read. When I left the room, I realized how weak I was actually feeling. Nevertheless, I wouldn’t give up. I walked in a slow pace, holding on to the staircase banister and leaning against the wall until I managed to get to the library. The immense sunlight that spread around the room hurt my eyes, but I was still happy to be there. As I walked past the shelves looking for a nice book to read, I started feeling dizzy. I fought the weakness, telling myself that I needed to stay strong, but eventually I collapsed on the floor. It became clear that the visit to the library had been a terrible idea. My eyelids became heavy and I had no control over my tired body. While my consciousness fought to keep me awake, my exhausted body couldn’t follow the command and darkness claimed me right there on the library floor.

  In a while, I started sweating and feeling hot again. I couldn’t open my eyes, but I knew that the sunlight didn’t fill the room anymore. I was alone, drifting away in the darkness. Then I felt I was being carried away. I focused on the rhythm of the steps and that cologne penetrated my senses again. I knew it was a prelude to another nightmare, but I couldn’t fight it. My body was laid on the bed and covered with a blanket. After minutes of fighting, my eyes agreed to partially open and I saw a silhouette of a man in the dark, staring back at me. The man got up and I jerked when he took his belt off. When his pants and shirt came off too, I stiffened from fear, waiting for him to attack me. My mind was telling me that I was trapped in another scary nightmare, but no matter how hard I tried, I couldn’t wake up. When he made the first step towards me, hysteria kicked in.

  Suddenly I was back in the hotel room and I had no idea how I got there. I was completely naked, lying on my belly and trembling in fear of something. I struggled to remember what I feared, but I was burning up and my mind wouldn’t cooperate with me. Then, the moment those hands touched my trembling skin, everything came back to me and I knew exactly what would happen. I was already panting for air, trying to avoid the horrible experience.

  “Please stop.” I was crying.

  Even though I was sure the man who was caressing my back wouldn’t pay attention to me, he spoke before lowering his hand.

  “Stop what?” he asked me in a puzzled voice and I was confused more than him.

  “Don’t touch me. Please don’t touch me,” I begged and then gasped from pain when I felt his rough touch.

  “Isabelle,” he called me calmly.

  “Please, stop. It hurts.” I was sobbing and trying to get away from his grip when he hit me.

  Then he crushed me with his weight and I felt his erection. Every fiber of my being was nothing but panic and fear. I started moving away from him, but he held me firmly against his body.

  “N-No. Not again. Don’t.” I started screaming.

  “Isabelle, open your eyes.” The voice rang with worry instead of rage like I remembered.

  “I won’t. I-I know who you are. I can s-smell your cologne,” I said in between my sobs.

  “My cologne scares you?” he asked in a surprised voice.

  “You s-scare me. I don’t want you to do this to me,” I muttered in fear.

  “I won’t do anything to you. Open your eyes.” His voice was soothing.

  “You’re lying. You hate me. Y-You want to hurt me.” I felt his hand on my hot forehead.

  “Shh, you’re burning up. You have to open your eyes. Nothing bad will happen to you, I promise,” he whispered to reassure me, but I still felt his weight pressing onto me. “Open your eyes, Isabelle,” he continued with the encouragement.

  I opened my eyes, only to feel him take my virginity again. I froze and screamed from the top of my lungs because the pain was unbearable. Then, I felt a shiver run through me like I was falling between the worlds of dreams and reality, not sure which one I ended up in. Suddenly, I was convulsing in Sebastian’s arms as he tried to soothe me. I was gulping for air and fighting his strength in the process, because he wouldn’t let go of me. The sticky sweat from my burning body dripped onto his muscled chest, but he still held me close. It was dark and strangely, I still felt the pain he had caused although I had replayed everything in my memory.

  “P-Please let go of me. I’m sick and it hurts a lot,” my voice cracked.

  He stilled for a moment while my body quivered from fear and fever in his arms. When he moved to turn on the lamp on the nightstand, I tried to get away from him, but he instantly stopped me. He pulled me so close that I could feel the radiating warmth of his muscles and I was scared out of my mind. I was letting out shallow breaths when his hand landed on my chest to feel my racing heart. I was aware of his every move, and I lost my breath when his hand slid towards my face, confronting me with those beautiful green eyes from my nightmares. He stared at me for a long time. My eyes were filled with unshed tears as I still observed him in trepidation. Then he did the last thing I expected. He slowly lowered his hand on my head and began caressing my face and my hair.

  “No. Look at me,” he said in a soft voice when I looked away, and my eyes returned to him at once.

  After a few moments of silence, he leane
d his forehead on mine and I felt his breath on my skin. Even though he hadn’t done anything that should alarm me yet, I couldn’t help being afraid of him. I flinched when he moved his leg.

  “Don’t.” He brushed his knuckles against my cheek. “It was just a bad dream. I know you’re sick. Nothing will happen tonight,” he whispered. “We have to take care of your fever,” he said as he pressed his palm against my brow.

  All of my shame and suffering came together and my eyes closed as the tears spilled on my burning cheeks. Sebastian wiped every single one of them, causing me to gasp from the pain that was embedded deep inside. For the first time, he was being gentle with me, and as much as I tried to tell myself that he was only trying to trick me into fulfilling the terms of the agreement, I couldn’t deny that my body hungered for his kindness—even if it wasn’t real. Only when he was convinced I’d stopped crying, did he get up and disappear out of the room.

  I remained on the bed, burning from the fever and frozen from the shock at the same time, while waiting for his return. If I had any common sense left, I wouldn’t have accepted his caresses. But knowing what his rage could produce, I would have chosen his fake kindness over it any day. His gentle touch was almost calming, and it shamed me to think about it, but I liked the way he touched me. There was nothing sexual or possessive about it. It felt like the only purpose of his attention was to heal my broken soul and I knew it was dangerous to believe that he truly cared, because it would feel even worse when he decided to hurt me again.

  I glanced towards the door when I heard him enter the room. Again, he had a glass of water and he gave me one of those pills that would help reduce my fever. After handing me the water and the pill—the same pill I took after our wedding night—he disappeared into the bathroom. Shortly after, he came back, carrying a bowl of cold water and a towel. There was something incredible about seeing him like that, tentative and caring. I wanted to ask him about the pill. I wanted to know so badly if he had been the one who showed me that glimpse of mercy after all the hell he had put me through, but I wasn’t brave enough to ask. Talking about that night was something I couldn’t do with anyone, let alone him. He sat next to me and put the cold, wet towel on my forehead. I stared at him in disbelief and I obviously wasn’t at all discreet about it, because he looked confused.