Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  I remembered that day and the way it ended. When I came home I found him naked in our bedroom. That was the first time he was gentle with me. The first time he kind of tried to fight his demons and remedy the damage he had caused. That attempt hadn’t ended too well.

  “Isabelle?” His voice made me snap out of my thoughts after I wandered off again.

  I looked at him with vivid caution, trying to keep the demons of the past at bay.

  “What do you say? I promise I’ll be on my best behavior.” He looked at me expectantly and I melted under his warm gaze.

  “Yes, I would like to go to the movies tonight,” I replied quietly, without actually realizing what I was agreeing to.

  His face wore a satisfactory, warm expression. “What time would you like to go?”

  “I—” My voice froze because I hadn’t expected him to let me decide anything.

  The fact that he wanted me to choose the time left me a bit confused, but then again so had everything he had said and done lately. He was the one who always made all the decisions and I simply had to follow through. Now he wanted to give me a choice, but I had lived in fear and without a choice for so long that it became difficult to make one, no matter how ridiculous and harmless it was.

  “How about six?” He took over the control and looked at me with piercing tenderness, as if he could visualize the storm of thoughts that was running wildly through my mind.

  “Six is fine,” I said, observing the reappearance of the smile that didn’t even seem to leave his face and consequently, I smiled back.

  When I did that, he closed his eyes and took a deep breath, like he wanted to savor the moment, like he knew that I would turn serious in a split second and look at him with the overpowering mistrust that still wouldn’t leave my system.

  He slowly opened his eyes and the man I met in Las Vegas was back in front of me. There was a flicker of pain and regret that I wanted to deny and question, but couldn’t because it was so raw and genuine that it made me crumble in front of him.

  “I never thought...” He swallowed and stared at me like he just realized something, but he quickly brushed it off. “I’ll see you at six then,” he said with a smile that was an obvious attempt to camouflage the pain that still reflected in his eyes and left me alone, gaping after him.

  What had just happened here?

  Chapter Thirty

  That afternoon I tried to focus on my book, but it was an impossible mission. I kept lingering on the same sentence and I would go through a couple of pages without having any idea what I’d actually read. I was tired. No, I wasn’t tired. The truth was I couldn’t focus on anything because I knew I was going to the movies with Sebastian. It would be the first time we went somewhere together like a normal couple. Technically, it would be my first date ever with none other than Sebastian Everett. But something was wrong because I wasn’t excited about going out with him. What I felt was dread, not enthusiasm. There were so many things on my mind so I finally decided to close my book since I couldn’t concentrate on anything at the moment. My eyes kept darting at the clock on the wall. The memory of that night in Vegas sprang to my mind. Could I go through with this? Could I give him a chance and try to pretend like nothing bad had happened between us? Could we have a fresh start? The time ticked away and I was getting more nervous with each passing second.

  When the time to get ready came at last, I opted for a fancy black skirt and a white V-cut blouse. My intention hadn’t been to impress him. I had to wear what I was wearing because I didn’t own a single item of casual clothing in my wardrobe. I was just putting on the last touches of my light make up when I heard a knock on the door. I looked at the clock and it was exactly six o’clock. He was right on time, just like always. I opened the door and swallowed my surprise.

  Sebastian was wearing jeans and a black T-shirt. Before, I thought that he was the most beautiful man I had ever seen and if anyone had told me that beauty could have been surpassed by anything, I wouldn’t have believed it, but now I had changed my mind. He looked so normal, fresh and relaxed. I’d never seen him like that. It wasn’t just his appearance; something had altered within him as well. He looked at me with a soft expression on his face. I realized I was gaping at him and I looked away, ashamed of my behavior. He smirked while his eyes traveled along the length of my body.

  “Are you ready to go?” he asked in a light voice.

  Taking a deep breath, I nodded because I was too taken aback to speak. He offered me his hand and I stared at it hesitantly for a few short moments before slowly resting my palm in his. His eyes lit up when I touched him and as we walked towards the car, I was getting more self-conscious about the fact that I was about to share yet another thing that was supposed to be special with him. Whether I liked it or not, my every first experience, good or frighteningly bad belonged to the man walking next to me.

  “Earth to Isabelle.” A familiar voice rang in my ears and I smiled briefly, trying to camouflage my nervousness.

  His glowing eyes pierced through me, making the smile fade away from my face and turn into something raw that blossomed under his overpowering gaze.

  “You look amazing,” he whispered in an attempt to ease my discomfort. “Too bad we’re going to the movies, because I think I won’t be able to keep my eyes off you tonight,” he said in a teasing voice, but his stare was ruled by something mysterious and powerful.

  I looked at him shyly, revealing my innocence and naivety. He talked to me like a man talks to a woman, like a husband talks to his wife. Everything from his lips sounded so beautiful and alluring, but despite all that, it left me confused. If I liked the way he spoke to me, why did I still feel so uncomfortable? The painful truth crept up my mind and made my shame even deeper and more unbearable. I was still broken, still shattered in pieces. Pieces he wanted to mend back together. Biting my lip to resist the need to release the painful burden that troubled me, I just continued returning his intense gaze. This time he seemed to be the one who was lost in thoughts.

  “So sweet,” he said quietly. “I love to see you blush. It’s beautiful.” I looked down to avoid his eyes and he sighed like it did something to him. “You’re beautiful,” he said in a mild voice that rang with an undertone filled with something I recognized as desire and it made the fire on my cheeks spread even deeper.

  Even though I was sure he didn’t mean to cause it, a scary flashback accompanied by the sickening feeling of shame replayed itself before my eyes. Let’s see where else I can make you blush. As I tried to brush off the dark memories that threatened to ruin the evening before it even began, a nervous shiver passed through me, reminding me that I wasn’t taking a step; I was taking a huge leap. I was going to let him try to fix something I was sure was irreparable and could cause only more trouble.

  When I peeked up at him, I met his worried gaze. He realized something was wrong. Taking a step towards me, he smiled with reassurance, but I took a step back. Visibly shaken by my behavior, he stopped smiling and narrowed his eyes at me, making me feel cornered and scared that I would have to tell him what was going through my mind.

  “Hey. What’s wrong?” he asked confused while his eyes meticulously scanned my face.

  I took a deep breath to calm myself down, but I stood fragile in front of him as the memories consumed my mind. Maybe this was a mistake. Maybe it was more than I could handle.

  “Sebastian I think I c-can’t...” I started panicking because I didn’t want to upset him.

  Instead of showing anger like I expected, he provided me with comfort and reassurance. With restraint and caution, he approached me and gently brushed his finger along my trembling lips.

  “Shh, I know you’re scared.” He confronted me with the shade of green that used to be so restless, but now seemed to carry the depths of a peaceful sea without a single wave. “There’s nothing wrong with that, Isabelle. It’s okay to be afraid.”

  He let his finger slide down my cheek, while his eyes still bor
ed into me and I gasped under the pressure caused by the feelings his simple touch had managed to awaken so effortlessly.

  “I don’t want to be afraid,” I said desperately. “It’s just so hard to—”

  “No,” he stopped me. “The fear will go away, I promise. Don’t think about the past or the future. We’ll take it one day at a time.” His voice was so convincing, like he was completely sure in what he was saying; like he had a plan to make it all better. “Just think about tonight. Imagine we are simply Sebastian and Isabelle. Only two people getting to know each other. Nothing more than that.” He opened the door to the car and offered me his hand again.

  After moments went by and I remained standing on the same spot, contemplating on what I should do, he spoke in a determined, yet pleading voice. “Please, be patient, and let me show you that it will be alright.”

  Just like that, I was disarmed by his words and my hand had fallen into his, returning his strong grip with the same intensity. I knew it was still wrong, but something had changed. Something had fallen into place. Regardless of my subconscious determination to fight it, something started to feel right.

  ***

  We had hardly spoken again until we came to the cinema. He seemed to lighten up a bit and even encouraged me to choose the movie we would watch. There were only two choices—a romantic comedy or a war drama. I wasn’t a big fan of romantic comedies but I certainly wasn’t in the mood for heartbreaking horrors of war either, so the choice wasn’t all that difficult. Sebastian smiled when I suggested we should watch the romantic comedy and he told me he wasn’t surprised by my choice. He bought a big bag of popcorns and two Cokes and we were all set to watch our movie. I was surprised to see him meticulously inspect his seat before sitting on it. His perfectionism would never cease to surprise me. The hall was filled with other couples who seemed to be so in love and smitten with each other. I looked at my husband who was sitting next to me and, for a moment, I wondered if we could have been a normal couple, if all the bad things in the past hadn’t have happened. What if I took his advice and pretended for one evening that we were just Sebastian and Isabelle? I didn’t know if I was strong enough to put all of the emotional baggage and past to the side. I glanced at him and I knew I still wasn’t ready for that. I needed to have faith in him if I wanted to move forward. I didn’t trust him yet and I had no way of knowing if I ever would. Take it one day at a time.

  Everybody else was talking to each other, laughing and having a good time while waiting for the movie to begin. We remained silent and I was already afraid that the evening would turn into a disaster. There was a couple sitting only two seats away from me and they were all over each other. My cheeks were on fire and I felt uncomfortable. I didn’t have any other choice but to look towards Sebastian. He glanced at me and then leaned over my head to look at the kissing couple before returning his gaze to me. Those emerald eyes were glowing at me with radiant warmth and frighteningly, I felt like it could be enough for me to yield to him. The feeling of relief washed over me when the lights in the hall finally went out and we were bathed in darkness.

  The movie turned out to be quite good for a romantic comedy. There were several hilarious moments and both of us laughed at the same scenes which helped me relax a little. It was a complete cliché, but our hands ended up touching for a few times because we both simultaneously reached for popcorn. The last time we had done it, our eyes locked and we actually smiled at each other. I felt a pleasant shiver of emotion run through me.

  When the movie ended and the bright light filled the room, it felt like the magic had disappeared. My body tensed when I became aware that I had just had a great time with Sebastian and something about that scared me. I was still afraid to let him in and trust him. His demeanor told me that he was aware of that and I hoped he wouldn’t press the matter. And he didn’t. He continued looking at me affectionately like he hadn’t noticed any change in my behavior. Little by little, his understanding and patience melted my discomfort and I even managed a brief smile while we were leaving the cinema. Once we were out on the street and walking to the car, he cautiously started talking to me.

  “Did you like the movie?”

  “I loved it. It was a lot better than I expected,” I said softly.

  A light smile graced his lips and the conversation went dead. It was strange, but I didn’t want the conversation to stop. I didn’t want this evening to end. There was a sparkle of light in the dark and I didn’t want it to disappear that soon.

  “How... How did you like the movie?” I tried to keep the sparkle alive.

  He seemed to be glad that I asked him that question. “It was interesting. Some of the scenes were hilarious; especially the one where she makes a fool out of herself in a restaurant.”

  I couldn’t help but laugh when I remembered that scene and he joined me.

  “Oh, when she didn’t know how to pronounce the name of that French dish. I would probably make an even bigger fool out of myself if I was in that situation.” I was still laughing but Sebastian became serious. Something was bothering him.

  He stopped walking and I stared at him, baffled, because I didn’t understand what was wrong. He looked at me with an expression I couldn’t comprehend.

  “Remember the day we met? When you had trouble with cutting the salmon and I mocked you?”

  A vibrant chill passed through me. Why did he bring this up when he knew it would only spoil the moment?

  “Yes, I remember,” I admitted with reluctance.

  One look into his tortured expression and I knew what he was about to say. I didn’t want him to say it. I didn’t need him to apologize. Just a while ago I would have thrived to see him on his knees because I hated him, but something had changed. His words from earlier crossed my mind again and I decided to accept his advice. We would have to talk about the past, but not tonight. It would only ruin this beautiful moment we shared and we didn’t have much left to build on if that happened. Brushing away his comment, I actually started laughing and I could tell he was flabbergasted.

  “Well, come to think of it, I guess I have been in that situation already. I didn’t find it that funny at the time, but it must have been hilarious. I don’t even want to think about what I did to that poor fish.”

  He tried to suppress his chuckle, but he couldn’t help it. He burst into laughter and it was beautiful. Never in all of my days with him did I think it would be possible for us to laugh together. His eyes glanced at me with a flicker of admiration and I wondered what he was thinking about.

  “Would you like to take a short walk? Or do you want to go home?” he asked in a tender voice.

  “No. I would like to walk,” I asserted decisively because I wanted to prolong the moment in which I could pretend that Sebastian was somebody else and not the man who had hurt me or made me afraid.

  We continued walking down the street and I felt safe next to him even though we were making our way through the dark alley. There was something alluring about it.

  “I met the new girl today,” I said and Sebastian gave me a confused look. “Teresa’s replacement.” I smiled.

  “Oh yes, Antoinette. It’s a very interesting name to say the least.” He snickered.

  “Actually, she told me she prefers to be called Annette. She seems to be nice.”

  Sebastian suddenly tensed up and looked at me intently. Coldness ruled his gaze.

  “Isabelle, I don’t want you to become too close to her. She is just an employee and you should treat her like that,” he said firmly.

  “Why? Because you think she is beneath you? I don’t judge people that easily, Sebastian.” I glared at him.

  Sebastian narrowed his eyes at me and regained his scary dominant posture. “I don’t think she is beneath me. I’m just trying to warn you about the dangers that lurk in my world, Isabelle. You’ve seen what happened with Teresa. One can never be too cautious.” His voice was calm but I could tell he was everything but. I knew him that well b
y now.

  “Teresa was different. She looked down on me from the moment I met her. And why is it okay for me to associate with Anne but not with the rest of the help?” I asked with defiance.

  “Anne has worked for us for years and she is loyal. She is practically a part of the family. Don’t be naive and think that Antoinette or whatever her name is, puts the benefit of the family before her own interests.”

  I wanted to protest but I knew he had a point. I didn’t know anything about that girl and I judged her too soon. The difference in our characters showed once again. Maybe it wasn’t our characters as much as the life experience. Sebastian was cautious and controlling whereas I was impulsive in making my decisions. He was a businessman through and through and I—I didn’t know what the hell I was.

  “I understand what you’re trying to tell me,” I said cautiously. “But I don’t see why I shouldn’t spend time with her to get to know her or why you’ve ordered her to call me madam. I don’t like that.”

  All of the sudden, his expression had changed and he looked at me with amusement glowing in his eyes. “You never cease to surprise me. Most of the people would thrive in the fact that they held the power to extort respect and obedience from others, but you find it disturbing.”

  We stopped walking and he came a bit closer, looking at me like he was about to kiss me. He seemed to wander off in thought and then his gaze turned into something gentler, something magnetic that pulled me towards him. He sighed and my lips parted of their own accord. All the doubts that troubled my mind returned together with the remembrance of our first and only kiss. My lips started trembling from the nervousness because although I knew he wouldn’t break his promise, I had no idea what I wanted him to do. He swallowed and stepped away from me.

  “I don’t mind you spending time with Annette,” he playfully rolled his eyes at the mention of her name, “but please don’t share any personal information with that girl. The press would love to get a cover story from someone like her.”