He seemed to be so cautious—too cautious—when it came to Annette. Then it hit me. Maybe she wasn’t the one he didn’t trust. Maybe it was me. Maybe I had to earn his trust just like he had to earn mine.
“I promise I’ll be careful,” my voice was firm and I looked him straight into the eyes.
“I know you will,” he said softly.
It was getting chilly and we headed back to the car. He opened the door for me again and I liked the way he was tentative with me. On our way back we listened to the radio station, which happened to host the actors from the movie we had just seen, and we had so much fun listening about their experience of shooting the movie. I managed to relax in a way I hadn’t for months. The evening with Sebastian turned out to be much more than what I’d hoped for and, in a silly way, I felt like I was with someone else and not him. It was almost surreal to believe that he could be that pleasant to be around.
***
Whatever gave me a sense of peace disappeared the moment we entered the house. That space was filled with bad memories and as Sebastian escorted me to my bedroom I was getting more nervous around him. When I saw the door at the end of the hallway I almost froze, because a series of unpleasant thoughts attacked my mind. The feeling of doubt swept over me and left me wondering if he would expect something in return for taking me out. My alarms went on and I feared that he wanted to manipulate me. When we reached the door to the room, I started feeling uneasy because I was convinced he would follow me inside. I took hold of the doorknob and his hand landed on mine to stop me. A shiver passed through me and he pulled his hand away, letting me know he could feel my discomfort, but he chose not to comment on it.
“I had a great time tonight,” he spoke softly.
“Me too,” I said in a whisper, still observing him with caution.
“Sleep tight.” He gave me a knowing look and I realized he was referring to my nightmares.
He leaned closer and I gasped when he laid a gentle kiss on my forehead. “If you need anything you know where to find me, right?”
I nodded and his lips twisted in a light smile. I stared at him as he left to his own room.
“Good night,” I said quietly and walked into dark, empty space.
Chapter Thirty-One
A scream woke me up. I sat upright in panic and opened my eyes, covering my face with my hands because I was afraid of what I’d see in the darkness. The salty dampness of tears was smeared all over my cheeks and I was shocked by the fact that I had been crying. Breathe Isabelle. You have to breathe. I tried to listen to the coaching voice in my head, but taking in a breath seemed to be an impossible mission. I was too frightened to breathe. I uncovered my face and allowed myself to look around the dark room. My heartbeat was slowly returning to normal and I managed to draw in quick, shallow breaths. It took me a while to realize what was happening. I was trembling, and when I glanced at the empty side of the bed next to me, I cringed in fear and quickly looked away. As my breathing returned to normal I became aware what had happened. I had been awoken by my own screams caused by another terrible nightmare. I had dreamt that Sebastian had barged into my room and attacked me. I froze when I remembered the bitter feeling of betrayal that swept over me in my dream. Deep down, I knew that my fear of Sebastian was still very real. I was afraid that striking this deal with him would lead me into an even deeper despair. I felt sad and abandoned, lonely and confused. There was no one to comfort me and tell me there was nothing to fear.
“It’s okay. You’re safe,” I whispered the words that Sebastian would always say when he held me in the dark and a strange feeling of security rushed through me.
I lowered my head on the pillow, fantasizing about the soothing warmth and solace of his embrace. I closed my eyes and imagined him gently stroking my hair and kissing my forehead. It was disturbing. I knew it wasn’t normal to crave his protection. It was quite depraved, but it had worked and I calmed down in a matter of seconds.
However, falling asleep was a much bigger struggle. The dream I had, made me analyze everything that was going on with Sebastian lately. The images of the evening I’d spent with him kept appearing before my eyes and I couldn’t lie and convince myself that I didn’t enjoy his company. I cherished every moment of it, but a huge part of me was still holding a lot of resentment towards him. One beautiful night wasn’t enough to erase the bitter remembrance of so many nights that were filled with fear and sadness. To a certain extent, I felt guilty because I didn’t mean to torture him by withholding my forgiveness, but I still couldn’t forget.
After realizing that sleep wouldn’t come, I decided to get up and reach for the book I gave up on the day before, when I was nervous about going out with Sebastian.
Not wanting to stay in the solitude of my room where the walls started crashing down on me, I descended the stairs and walked to the patio. The unnerving tension would always sweep over me when I walked through the house at night because I still wasn’t used to living in the mansion with endless hallways, huge windows and numerous doors that held the potential danger of hiding something scary. I knew I was overreacting, but I had seen way too many horror movies and sometimes it caused my mind to play tricks on me. In moments like these, I missed the simplicity of life and some other world I used to belong to before being pushed into this unholy mess which made everything so hard and complicated.
The moment I got to the patio, I relaxed and enjoyed the view of the beautiful garden at night. I smiled at the thought that this unholy mess I was trapped in had also brought some nice things in my life. Like a huge library I had always dreamt of, and this garden that was breathtakingly beautiful. There were some things I would miss if I had to return to my old life. You’d miss him as well. Out of nowhere, a surprising thought rang in my mind and I started wondering. Would I miss Sebastian if our ways parted and I knew I’d never see him again? If someone had asked me that question only a short while ago, I wouldn’t hesitate with my answer. But now I wasn’t so sure anymore. I wasn’t sure of anything and I hated the troubling feeling of the fear of the unknown that fed my confusion.
During the hours that followed, I decided to focus all of my attention on reading, and I wouldn’t allow myself to take my eyes off the book, because I knew I would start thinking about the things I couldn’t have dealt with at the time. When the morning sun found its way to the room, my eyelids started getting heavy and though I managed to fight the need to sleep for a while, eventually I gave in and drifted away into a newfound peaceful world of dreams.
***
“Rise and shine, sleepyhead.” A cheerful voice rang in my ears and I opened my eyes when I felt a hand brushing against my shoulder.
I was surprised when I realized that I had fallen asleep while reading in the patio and as I wanted to stretch my arms, the book I had been reading fell from my hands and onto the floor. An even bigger surprise took hold of me when I realized Helen stood staring at me before leaning down to pick up the book.
“Please don’t tell me you spent the whole night reading. You’re such a bookworm, Isabelle.” She shook her head and smiled when she saw the title of the book. “Oh, I loved this one. Well, at least the movie. I don’t know about the book, but Ralph Fiennes nailed it as Heathcliff. If you ask me that’s why movies beat the books every single time,” she kept on rambling and I couldn’t help but laugh at her sweetness. God, this girl always knew how to cheer me up.
I got up and hugged her tightly. “I’ve missed you so much, Helen.”
“I’m sorry.” Her face held an apologetic expression. “I know I haven’t come to see you in a while, but I promise I’ll make it up to you. Whatever you need, I’m at your service.” She winked at me and saluted in a playful manner.
I loved her silliness. “Be careful. You know I might take you up on that offer.”
We laughed for a moment and I felt carefree, but when the laughter subsided, I noticed there was something different about Helen. She looked at me with strange curiosi
ty. As if she was wondering about something. Having her look at me like that was more than I could handle so I quickly forced a smile, hoping to lighten up the mood.
A warm smile appeared on her face but her eyes still looked at me with a recognizable silent compassion she’d displayed for me so many times before when I had been sad in her company. But this time I wasn’t depressed or crying, yet she looked at me like that all the same. I wanted to ask her if something was wrong, but I gave it up when her cheerfulness suddenly returned and lit up the room.
”I have a surprise for you,” she said happily and before I got a chance to say anything, she disappeared into the hallway only to return moments after, carrying a huge wrapped up box in her hands.
I was beyond curious. “Helen?” I gasped a smile. “What is this?”
“It’s a present, silly. Open it and you’ll see what it is.” Her voice sparked with excitement as I took off the huge bow on top of the box and unwrapped the shiny golden paper. “I hope you like it,” she said modestly and I looked up at her with gratitude. She was so sweet and caring. I was so lucky to have her in my life.
“Whatever it is, I like it already. Thank you for being so sweet. I don’t know what I would do without you.”
“Well, what are you waiting for?” she spoke in her light, happy voice. “Open it,” she encouraged in a small whisper.
I took off the lid from the box and to say that I was surprised wouldn’t do the justice to describe how I felt when seeing its content. It was filled with clothes. As I started going through the pile, I noticed there wasn’t even one fancy piece of outfit in there. All I could see were ordinary jeans, T-shirts and pretty, but obviously cheap, dresses you could buy on a sale for a price next to nothing. And every item matched my size. Confused, I looked towards Helen who glared at me with a firm smile on her face. It was hard to suppress the overwhelming feeling of nostalgia as I observed the clothes that resembled those that Sebastian shamed me for and threw out of my closet. Those clothes belonged to that other world. They reminded me of my former life and the simplicity I had longed for.
“I thought it might be a good time for a makeover. Do you like it?” Helen asked impatiently and then started joking. “Please, don’t tell me you hate it. The lady in the store will kill me if I take it back. I gave her hell.”
I looked at her with a pinch of sadness. Her surprise was wonderful, but I knew better than to accept it. I couldn’t embarrass Sebastian by walking around in rags. Although he tried to make things better between us, I knew that appearances still meant a lot to him.
“Thank you. I love it. It’s just that,” I swallowed, trying to speak in a calm voice, but suddenly it had become much more difficult to control my emotions, “I can’t accept it.”
“Why not?”
She narrowed her eyes at me and I looked away, replaying the memory of Sebastian’s cruelty and the humiliation he’d made me feel because I was simply being myself.
It dawned on me how he had said that he liked I didn’t fit into his world, yet he did everything to try to make me fit in. From cutlery usage lessons with Mr. Andre to brand new expensive clothes that turned me into someone I didn’t want to be. It hurt to remember. It hurt to think he might do it again.
“It’s not appropriate for me to wear these clothes,” I whispered in a calm voice to hide my sadness.
“Isabelle...” She touched my hand and I looked at her, silently thanking for the comfort she once again provided me with. “He told you this, didn’t he?” she asked with certainty in her voice and I nodded, feeling a tear slide down my face.
I quickly wiped it away and tried to pull myself together, not wanting to make Helen suspicious of my behavior.
She squeezed my hand and just looked at me for a while. “Well, Sebastian must have finally come to his senses because he was the one who asked me to do some shopping for you,” she said warmly.
Sebastian asked Helen to buy clothes for me? And not just any clothes. It was the same clothes he’d once looked at disgust, threatening me that I would never wear them again.
“Helen, but these clothes are... He couldn’t have possibly...” I was sure this was a misunderstanding.
“No fancy, expensive items; those were his strict orders.” My eyes widened in surprise and Helen laughed. “I don’t know what you did to him, Isabelle, but I’ve never seen him like this.” She smiled and seemed to be lost in thoughts. “He’s infatuated by you.”
A blush spread over my face and I swallowed hard, trying to keep in mind that we were talking about Sebastian—the man who was generally impossible to impress.
“He’s not infatuated by me. He just—” I didn’t know how he felt, but I was certain that his feelings and intentions had nothing to do with fascination, certainly not fascination by me.
“Isabelle, he cares about you so much, that for the first time he’s willing to let go of the rules he’s followed his entire life, just because he wants to make you happy. The Sebastian I know would never go to such great lengths for anyone, but for you, he’s making an exception,” she said confidently, waiting for me to say something, but I remained silent and struck by her words. ”I don’t know what happened between the two of you, but it must have been really bad, because I can tell that both of you are hurting.” I sighed nervously when she said that, but the reassuring light in her gaze eased my discomfort. “Don’t worry. I won’t ask. Whatever it is, I just hope you’ll manage to make it through. No matter what happens, don’t forget that you’ll always have a friend in me.”
“Thank you, Helen. No matter what, I’ll never forget your kindness.” I looked at her with sincere gratitude.
Her lips stretched in a smile while her eyes filled with dampness. “I should probably leave before I get all emotional... But not before you try on every single item in that box,” she said teasingly and we both started laughing with tears in our eyes.
We didn’t talk about anything serious anymore. We just had fun; goofy, careless, girly kind of fun. And it felt good to busy my mind with something other than my marriage. Still, every now and then, Sebastian’s face would appear before my eyes and remind me of his unexpected gesture. The question sparked in the back of my mind, leaving me restless and wondering.
A couple of hours later, when Helen left and I headed towards my room, hoping to make up for the sleepless night I’d spent reading, I found a message from an unknown number on my phone. When I read it, my heart skipped a beat and a pleasant shiver rushed through my body.
Angel, I know there are still many bad memories to keep you awake at night, but hopefully I can take at least one of them away. Forgive me for making you feel less than perfect because you’re lovely just the way you are. I’m sorry I can’t give you your old clothes back, but I hope you like the ones Helen picked out for you. Please, wear them.
Forever yours,
Sebastian
Chapter Thirty-Two
As days turned to weeks, Sebastian’s kind gestures made the nightmares rarer but they were still present and I hated waking up alone in the darkness. The dream would always be the same. He mocked my naivety and laughed at me for trusting him. In the beginning, he would always try to hurt me physically, but that part of my dreams had disappeared in time. I tried to remember the exact moment I had stopped fearing his physical retaliation but I couldn’t figure it out. The only thing I knew was that, with every passing day, I was becoming less anxious in Sebastian’s presence. The apprehension that he might be manipulating me still didn’t leave my system, but despite that possibility, I couldn’t deny that he was trying hard to make things better between us.
He respected my limits and slowly built his way in, always trying to lessen my visible panic with his patience. After he had said he wanted to earn my trust, he demonstrated every day that he was seriously set on that mission. Beside his patient and compassionate demeanor, he was also spending a lot more time with me. Every morning, we had breakfast together and he would always try to m
ake it home in time for dinner. He often insisted that we watch movies in the media room, sometimes until late hours in the night. Other than that, his constant obsession with following the etiquette had lessened as well. I knew that I had become closer with Annette more than Sebastian would have wished, but he didn’t protest or try to limit my time with her in any way. It felt as though he was giving up some of his control for no other reason than to make me happy.
The fear I’d once felt towards him had almost completely subsided because he honored his promise and never once tried to touch me or pressure me with anything. Instead, he seemed to be keen on learning things about me and getting to know me in deep layers. The biggest surprise of all was that he always tried to make me laugh and he succeeded at it. I knew that he consciously avoided serious conversations that needed to happen between us, but in reality, neither of us was ready for them yet. All I wanted was to block the past and the future for as long as I could because I wanted to live in the alluring present. Maybe I was delusional, but because of that attitude I hadn’t shed a single tear in days and it was liberating.
***
One evening, when we agreed to watch a movie together, Sebastian appeared in the media room and handed me the notebook I had lost in the garden weeks ago. My face reddened in shame. He had it all this time and didn’t say anything until now.
“Did you write this?” he asked in a soft, demanding voice.
I looked at him with caution, trying to guess what he was thinking. Should I confess? Would he mock me for writing that story? His posture was relaxed but his facial expression remained serious.
“Did you read it?” I decided to play it safe.
“I did,” he asserted without hesitation as if he thought he had done nothing wrong.
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