However, I thought that there was everything wrong with what he had done. In a way, this was a personal attack on my privacy because I’d never let anyone read my stories. Besides, I was aware that he disapproved of the books that I was reading and the story in his hands was nothing but a cheesy romance. Or was it? Discomfort washed over me when I remembered I had altered the plot of the story and turned it into something twisted and dark. The hero had hurt the heroine badly, betrayed her trust and then wanted to redeem himself. The irony wasn’t lost on me because I was well aware of the fact that I had been using that story as a getaway and a personal therapy for my marriage problems. My deepest thoughts and fears described into detail were hiding behind the covers of that notebook. Sebastian wasn’t a fool. If he had read it, he must have noticed the underlying content which had inspired me to write something that disturbing.
“How does it end?” he asked in a quiet voice, obviously convinced I had indeed been the one who wrote it.
“I don’t know yet,” I replied sincerely.
He smiled, revealing hidden layers of sadness and his eyes pierced through me, giving away that he knew what had inspired my writing. He handed me the notebook and sat beside me. I was desperately ashamed because one of the most critical people I knew read something that came straight from my heart. Imagining what he must have thought about the story made me even more nervous and even though his eyes were fixed on me, I stared at the floor. Was I really that insecure that I couldn’t even bring myself to look at him? The answer to my question was crystal clear when seconds, if not minutes went by, and my eyes still gazed at the hardwood floor. Sebastian smiled at me and gently lowered his hand on my shoulder. It had been weeks since he touched me in any way and that sudden, innocent contact sent goose bumps through my whole body. When he’d touched me before, I would always tremble from fear that he wanted to hurt me, but this feeling was different, pleasant.
“I think you’re really talented and I enjoyed the story.”
I looked at him in disbelief. The shock on my face as well as the fact that I didn’t believe him had to have been obvious because Sebastian burst in laughter.
“It’s okay. You don’t have to pretend you like it,” I muttered with a polite smile.
He looked away and before I knew it, his emerald eyes stared directly into mine.
“I never pretend, Isabelle; especially when it comes to you.” He swallowed hard before continuing. “You shouldn’t doubt my sincerity because I don’t hand out compliments that easily, but when I do then I really mean it,” he spoke softly.
Helen’s words sprang into my mind. “He’s infatuated by you.” Could it be even partially true? It certainly felt like he cared about me, but was I something of consequential value to him? I wasn’t so sure.
“Thank you. It means a lot,” I replied at last.
He narrowed his eyes at me and scanned my face. He often did that when something about me puzzled him.
“What were your plans before you married me? What did you want to do with your life?”
His question took me off guard and thinking about all of the lost opportunities that would never cross my way again made me sad.
“I wanted to study English literature and write. I always dreamed that one day I would publish my own book.” I sealed the words with a nostalgic smile. “But that doesn’t matter anymore.” I shrugged.
“Why? It’s never too late to pursue your dreams,” he said with determination.
“I’ve kind of lost my drive,” I admitted in a quiet voice. “It was a silly dream to begin with. It’s not like I would have gotten that far from Rosemont anyway.”
“Maybe you would, maybe you wouldn’t. Who knows?! But the fact is that you’re miles away from Rosemont now and you’re living in one of the most prosperous cities in the world. I could help you find a publisher for your book. As a matter of fact, I’ve wanted to suggest that for a while now,” he said in his serious businessman voice.
My mouth fell open in surprise and Sebastian started laughing again. I loved to see him laugh because he looked so beautiful and harmless.
“I...I don’t know what to say.” I tried to defend my timid reaction to his suggestion.
He smiled at me and something sparked in his eyes. “Say yes,” he whispered.
I was excited and horrified at the same time. He wanted to help me, but I wasn’t sure if I was ready to take that step and publish something I’d written for everyone to read, yet. Hell, it wasn’t a step, it was a huge leap. The word yes danced at the tip of my tongue but I didn’t dare to say it.
“What are you thinking about? You already know the answer,” he encouraged me.
“Yes,” I said in the quietest whisper.
He chuckled. “Yes, you know the answer, or yes, you want me to help you publish your story?”
“Yes to both.” I smiled warmly.
“There is only one condition,” he said in a serious voice.
Looking at him with wariness, I wondered what he would ask of me for this favor.
“What condition?” I felt my face burning as if he had already said the words I was dreading.
A wide smile suddenly curled his lips and he shook his head because he figured out what was going through my mind. I hated myself for being so transparent and obvious. Couldn’t I save myself from embarrassment at least once?
“I’m sorry to disappoint you, but I won’t ask you to sleep with me in exchange for my support. I’m not that big of an asshole.”
I didn’t think it was possible, but I felt a deeper shade of red settling on my cheeks as his green eyes glowed at me with an undecipherable emotion. Whatever it was, it sent tingles through my entire body. He hadn’t even touched me and I was reacting to his closeness, but not like before. This was completely different and the power of it scared me.
“What do you want then?” I asked in a small voice, looking away from him.
“I want a happy ending to the story. I think it’s only fair and they both deserve it after all the hardships they’ve been through.”
My eyes widened. “I don’t know if it’s possible. I don’t know if they could ever be happy together after everything that happened.”
“He had hurt her before, but he learned from his mistakes and he’s prepared to do anything to make things right between them,” he said in a soft, almost pleading voice.
A shiver of emotion ran through me. I didn’t know if I could keep playing this game. The threat of the past and the uncertainty of our future crushed my mind and I couldn’t pretend that all those painful things weren’t there anymore.
“Maybe... Maybe that’s not enough. Perhaps he had hurt her too much.”
He closed his eyes and remained silent for a while like he was gathering the courage to say something.
“Could she ever forgive him?” He asked in one breath.
I tensed up. I didn’t want to have this conversation.
“She wants to let it go, but it’s a lot harder than she thought.”
A flicker of pain flashed in his eyes and the feeling of regret settled in my chest.
“Do you want them to have a happy ending?” he asked like he was afraid of the answer.
I sighed and answered in a whisper. “I do. I want it from the bottom of my heart, but I don’t know how.”
He smiled at me, but the sadness was visible in his eyes. “Where there is a will, there is a way. We can find happiness, Isabelle,” he said in a firm tone, suddenly breaking the game we played with the fates of the characters in my book and making it painfully clear it was us we had been talking about all along.
“It’s hard to find happiness after being trapped in the dark for so long.” My shaky voice was sprinkled with notes of the hurt that remained.
Those green eyes froze on my face with such intensity like he was indeed infatuated by me.
“Someone as pure and innocent as you doesn’t deserve to be trapped in darkness,” he said in a flat voice that was
suddenly hit by the gasped presence of a heavy emotion. “Angels shouldn’t cry or feel pain.”
Gazing at him, I remained silent because I didn’t know what to say. His words had touched the deepest part of my heart.
“But I’m not pure. I’m not innocent.” I looked at him with sheer sadness. “Sebastian, I’ll never be those things again.”
“Isabelle,” he looked at me with so much compassion that I thought I would break down right then and there, “losing your virginity has nothing to do with...”
“Please, don’t.” I had to interrupt him. “Sebastian, please. I c-can’t talk about it.” My cheeks burned from the embarrassment and I had to look away.
“Shh.” His fingers brushed against my lips. “It’s not your shame. It’s mine.” Fragile softness rang in his humble voice and I felt the unwanted tears burn in my eyes. He tilted up my chin and wiped them away. “They’re not your tears, they’re mine.” He kissed the wet spot on my face, looking at me like he would cry as well, but then he looked away, and when he looked back at me, the storm that threatened to spill from his eyes was gone. “You’re wrong, angel. Nothing I did to you on that black night could have tainted the purity of your heart or the innocence of your soul. I know you’re still hurting, but there is no pain that couldn’t be healed by love.”
Love. I shivered at the very mention of the word, letting the current of fear as well as inexplicable excitement rush through me.
He kissed the top of my head and whispered to me. “Isabelle, we won’t be unhappy. I’ll give you the happy ending you always dreamed of. We’ll get there, I promise.”
“Sebastian,” I called his name, aching, and I sighed when he lifted up his head to confront me with the green light that suddenly pulled me towards him. “I... I don’t want to be in the dark anymore.”
“Let me pull you to the light, then.” His hand gently leaned against mine and I took hold of it strongly like I never wanted to let go. “Please, have a little faith and I’ll give you a hundred smiles for every tear I made you cry.”
But there were so many tears. Too many. I looked at him, offering a small, sad smile. “If you did that, I’d never stop smiling.”
He brought his lips an inch from my forehead and whispered to me before kissing it with the lightness of a summer breeze. “That’s the point, angel.”
Chapter Thirty-Three
After a long time, I was surrounded by heavenly peace and quiet, feeling warm and safe in someone’s arms. Their embrace was familiar and it seemed I had unconsciously longed for it, but suddenly, I was alone and I was getting cold. Goose bumps started rising on my skin as the light breeze rushed along my body and I shuddered, wanting nothing more than for the warmth that had kept me safe only moments ago to return. As I troubled my mind, thinking about the coldness that made me so uncomfortable, I heard silent steps and before I knew it, a warm, soft blanket was covered over my freezing body. I was being lifted up and moved towards the source of light and I imagined I was floating on a soft cloud. Inhaling the familiar soothing scent, I realized that Sebastian carried me to the room and when he carefully laid my body on the bed, I opened my eyes and met his soft gaze. His arm was still touching my shoulder, keeping me upright, and I observed as the first rays of sun replaced the brightness of illuminating moonlight on his face. He still looked at me with that same glow that reflected the affection he’d demonstrated the previous night. I wanted to say something to show him that I was deeply touched by everything he had said and done, but when I tried to speak, I realized that my throat was dry and sore from all the crying.
“Shh,” he whispered as he gently laid my head on the soft pillow. “Go back to sleep.” His eyes closed as his lips brushed against my forehead.
He wanted to go and leave me alone. I sensed it and for some reason, I didn’t like the idea. “Sebastian...” I looked at him pleadingly and spoke in a raspy voice. “Don’t leave.”
A light smile graced his lips and he swallowed like he was touched by my demand. “I don’t want to leave,” he paused like he already regretted what he would say, “but I have to take care of something urgent in the company.”
“Can’t it wait?” I asked, feeling childish because he had already said the matter was urgent.
He looked away, like he was thinking about something that bothered him. “I’m afraid it can’t.”
We remained frozen and silent for a long while, until he returned his gaze at me again. “I’ll make it up to you. How about you get some rest and pack some clothes when you wake up. I won’t be gone for long.”
I looked at him in confusion. “Why do I need to pack?”
“Because I’m taking you somewhere special.”
“Oh.” I was taken aback by his proposal. “Where are we going?”
“I can’t tell you.” He smiled and ran his fingers through my hair. “Don’t want to spoil the surprise.”
“Well then,” I said in a small voice, fighting to keep the contour of a smile on my lips. “You should go.” But I didn’t want him to leave.
Despite my fears, he remained sitting on the bed next to me and patiently waited for me to fall asleep. Every now and then I would lift my eyelids half way to check if he was still there and his beautiful eyes welcomed mine every time, until I didn’t have the strength to open them anymore. I heard the screech of the door and I knew he was gone. It started getting cold again.
***
Just like he promised, he returned only hours after he left and he still wanted to take me that special location he had talked about. After the conversation we had the previous night, the trip to the mysterious place went by slowly. Too slowly. It was obvious that we both felt uneasy and pressured to make small talk. Just like two strangers who met at the bus station for the first time, we talked about the weather, complimented each other’s appearance and occasionally commented on the beauty of the breathtaking landscape. It seemed as though Sebastian was pressured by something that ruled his entire mind and kept him too preoccupied to pay attention to me. But he did smile a lot, and when he looked at me it was with apparent tenderness that seemed to have effortlessly emerged from his gleaming eyes. In a thoughtful manner, he would ask me how I felt or if I wanted to stop and have a break every once in a while.
When he stopped at a gas station, he surprised me with a chocolate bar and a bottle of iced tea from the store. Foolish as it may seem, I blushed when he gave it to me because I didn’t know how to accept it. The thought that he had to have been annoyed by me wouldn’t leave my mind. Hell, I was annoying myself and I just wanted to snap out of my stupid trance and act normal. Why was it so difficult for me to accept something from him?
“It’s okay. It won’t bite you.” He chuckled and I felt that the redness on my face turned one shade deeper.
“Thank you,” I whispered the words and accepted his little gift.
He reacted when he noticed the bewildered look on my face. “Wrong flavor?”
“No, not at all... Strawberry is my favorite. How did you know?”
“Lucky guess.” He winked at me and I smiled.
“I have a good feeling that Anne played a part in this?”
He smirked and shook his head at me. “My lips are sealed. I promised not to tell and you know I always keep my promises.”
My mouth partially opened and I turned serious. I knew what he was referring to and at this point I did believe that he would keep his promise. I realized that I trusted him that much and it meant a lot.
“I know,” I said quietly and headed towards the car.
Like a true gentleman, he opened the door for me and I overheard the comment of the couple whose car was close to ours. The girl reprimanded her boyfriend for never doing those sweet things for her and added, with a sigh, that I must be one lucky girl. It’s funny how people make sudden conclusions based on sheer appearances, but everything is often not the way it seems to be. Still, it felt good to hear that somebody envied me for once in my life.
> ***
The feeling of anticipation, excitement and a small dose of fear took hold of me when Sebastian told me that we had almost reached our destination. As I slowly took in the magnificent surrounding of the hills in the distance and the forest that stretched along the road, I got lost in thoughts, observing its allure. I snapped out of my daydreams when the car pulled up in front of a huge driveway. Sebastian had to get out of the car to open the large metal gate with a key which was very unusual for such estates, because the door would often open automatically. I started wondering where we were and what his purpose for taking me there was. He managed to open the gate and within seconds he was back inside the car and before I knew it we were standing in front of a huge, castle-like mansion. It looked very old, but magnificently beautiful. Sebastian smiled at me when I revealed my curious stare.
“It was my grandfather’s house. He spent the last few years of his life here because he wanted to enjoy the serenity of this place. I come here for the very same reason,” he said proudly, glancing at the imposing structure.
He took hold of my hand and led me towards the entrance. The unexpected touch surprised me but I managed to smile at him and even lightly squeeze his hand. My response seemed to have pleased him because an aura of tender warmth began looming around his presence. He unlocked the door and we found ourselves in a dark space that smelled like old wood and leather. Sebastian hurried to open the curtains and as the light hit the room, I curiously observed the lavish antique furniture and stuffed animal heads that hung like trophies on the wall.
“He was a hunter.” I heard Sebastian’s voice behind me and flinched a bit because I hadn’t heard him approach me. He laid his hand in mine again and started telling me about his grandfather with nostalgia ringing from his voice.
“Hunting animals for sport was his passion and he was quite good at it, as you can see. I find it a bit creepy, but I couldn’t bring myself to take them off the wall.”
The way he said it made me realize that he was sharing something very personal. He had deeply loved his grandfather. It was obvious from the way he wanted to preserve the memory of him intact.
Virtue & Vanity Page 30