Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  “I didn’t know you like to cook,” I said quietly to make the fact that I was carried away by him less obvious.

  He smiled. “No, I don’t like to cook. Actually, I hate it.”

  He started approaching me and I was frozen in place. I. Couldn’t. Stop. Staring. “But it smells so…” He was standing in front of me and my mind went vacant as the scent of his cologne claimed the tight space between us. He gazed at me, waiting to hear the ending of my sentence. I swallowed and pushed out the words in a shaky breath. “...so delicious.”

  He wasn’t a fool. It was clear he could see all too well the reaction he was causing within me. A victorious smirk appeared on his face as he leaned closer to me and started whispering the confirmation to my doubts in a self-assured voice. “What is delicious?” His lips gently brushed against my ear. “Me? Or the pancakes?”

  I gasped as a current that was both pleasant and unpleasant, streamed through my body and he chuckled.

  “S-Sebastian.” I looked at him with a mixture of unwelcome curiosity and slight desperation because I couldn’t handle his closeness anymore. Without actually doing anything, he was doing something to me. After gaping at my flushed face for a few moments that felt like eternity, he started laughing.

  “It’s just a joke, angel.”

  In a light kiss, his lips leaned against my forehead and slowly trailed down my face until his nose softly touched mine and our lips leveled up. Feeling his captivating minty breath on my skin filled me with anticipation, and my heart started beating in a crazy, loud rhythm. He’s going to kiss me again.

  The emerald eyes gazed at me with brightness, building tension, and I could feel my eyes widen in the guidance of his powerful stare. “Sometimes it’s so hard to resist the temptation.” He held an expression of self-discipline and moderate perplexity as his hand slid down my shoulder, all the way to my wrist, producing goose bumps on the trailed path of my skin and he stared at me intensely, like he was losing some kind of an inner battle. “You shouldn’t look at me like that, Isabelle. Not yet. Not unless you’re ready for me to look at you in the same way,” he whispered gently and his breath brushed the delicate skin of my mouth, but instead of kissing me in the way I expected, he slowly pushed his head up and placed a tender kiss on the bridge of my nose, stepping away from me.

  “Sebastian, I...” I swallowed, fighting the sudden flood of emotion.

  “I didn’t mean to scare you beautiful,” he said in a light voice. “But I can’t help it. After all, I’m only a man.” His stare shifted into something raw and possessive and I felt his eyes pierce through me. Composing himself, he caressed my cheek and I gulped at the feeling of his touch. “There’s only so much a man can take,” he muttered like it was hard for him to say the words.

  The fact that my newfound attraction towards him had been so transparent made me feel ashamed, and it triggered the series of unsettling thoughts about intimacy again. He was absolutely right. I wasn’t at all ready to see desire in his eyes yet. Uneasy, I focused my eyes on the table and stared at the pancakes.

  His alluring voice made me look back at him. “Don’t get your hopes up. It’s the only thing I can make and I haven’t cooked since college, so I can’t guarantee that it’s edible.” He smiled and pulled out a chair for me. He seemed to understand that I wasn’t ready to talk about what happened moments ago and I was grateful for that.

  Smiling back, I sat on the chair and reached for the pancake, but his hand gently took hold of mine and stopped me.

  “Allow me,” he said in a soft voice and placed the pancake on my plate. “Maple syrup?” He raised his eyebrows and I nodded.

  After spreading some syrup on my plate, he took a seat across the table from me and observed with curiosity as I took a bite of the pancake. At first, I hesitated trying the small piece of hot dough on my fork, but once I took a bite, it melted in my mouth and tasted like pure heaven. I looked at him incredulously, because I couldn’t believe he could prepare something so tasty. This was another side of him that I couldn’t have even imagined existed.

  “This is the best pancake I’ve ever had,” I praised his cooking and he smiled at me.

  “You obviously haven’t tried many pancakes, have you?” He chuckled.

  “No, I haven’t,” I said in a soft voice. “But this one is really good.” I took another bite and it tasted even better that the first one. “It’s almost addictive.”

  “I guess I’ll have to make them more often, then.”

  “I’d really like that.” I smiled, savoring the combination of delicious food and coffee that caused an explosion on my taste buds. “How about tomorrow?”

  Sebastian took a sip of his coffee and then looked at me softly.

  “I’m afraid it will have to wait since I’ll be gone for a week.” I stared at him in confusion and he smiled, offering an explanation. “I’m leaving on a business trip.”

  For the first time, I was kind of disappointed that he was leaving for that long, but I had already gotten used to the fact that he was often absent and up until now I had never really missed his presence. Something told me that this time it might be different.

  I gazed at him with a light expression on my face and uttered a question I had never dared to ask before. “Where are you going?”

  He smirked at me kind of boyishly, with a mysterious glow in his eyes. “Paris,” he said calmly, as if going on such a trip was a regular thing for him while I gasped at the very mention of that city. Then I remembered who he was and I realized that most of the things that fascinated me didn’t affect him in the least.

  “You... You’re going to Paris?” I asked in a surprised voice.

  He chuckled. “I know what you’re thinking, but Paris is no fun if you have to experience it on your own. I’ll take you, if you want to go, but not when I’m there on business.”

  The little girl inside me squeaked at his offer, but the thought of visiting Paris with Sebastian still didn’t seem like a good idea because I knew what would happen if he took me there. He looked at me expectantly and I felt pressured to speak.

  Led by my desperate need to change the subject, I simply nodded and decided to try my luck by asking another question I had never dared to ask until now. “Sebastian...” He gave me his full attention and I already started blushing because of what I would ask him. “What... What is it that you do?” I asked, feeling funny about the fact I had no idea what his company was actually about.

  He smirked at me and crossed his arms, leaning his back on the chair. “It’s outrageous that you don’t know what your husband does for a living,” he said in teasing voice. “Don’t you think?” He arched his eyebrows and I blushed in embarrassment.

  “I... It’s just that I never...” I had no idea what I actually wanted to say.

  The feeling of shame that swept over me had to have amused him, because he started laughing again. “I’m an architect. I design buildings all over the world and then build them for millions of dollars profit.”

  I gaped in wonder. “And you’re building something in Paris?”

  He produced a self-confident expression on his face and the ruthless businessman side of him came to the surface. “If the negotiations go well, I am.”

  “I assume you’re really good at negotiating,” I said what I was thinking out loud.

  He narrowed his eyes at me and smiled. “I guess you could say that. Once I find something I want, I don’t give up until I seal the deal and make it mine.”

  Affected by his words, I asked quietly. “So, even if it seems impossible to get whatever it is that you want, you never simply let it go and move on?”

  He looked down and it seemed as though he was lost in thoughts for a while. “No,” he said in a decisive tone and slowly lifted up his head again. “Not if I can help it.”

  The green emerald eyes bored into me, and I swallowed hard, sensing the undertone of his words and the message he was trying to send me.

  Pretending to
be oblivious to what he was trying to say, I commented on his sentence. “Such life is probably filled with stress and pressure,” I uttered, more to myself than him.

  He shrugged. “Not if you’re investing time and energy in something or someone you love.” Even though he said it in a whisper, the magnitude of his voice traveled to me with such power that it woke up something inside of me.

  For a moment I was speechless and then I asked the first thing that came to mind. “Have you designed something I know about?” I asked in a voice that was kind of shaky, trying to keep the expression of curiosity on my face.

  He snickered, knowing I was deliberately misunderstanding him. “As a matter of fact, I have.” I looked at him in anticipation. “I designed our house.”

  He said it again. Our house. The fact that he designed something as imposing and beautiful as the mansion we lived in left me bewildered.

  “It’s magnificent. You should be proud of yourself for creating such a unique structure,” I said with admiration.

  He smiled kind of sadly. “It’s just a house. The real art is turning it into a home.”

  “You don’t feel like that house is your home?” I asked in surprise.

  He raised his eyebrows. “Do you?” he asked like he already knew the answer to his question.

  Something squeezed around my heart. I remembered how he had told me we were going home the first time he was taking me there. Even though things between us now seemed to be going much better than at that time, I still couldn’t bring myself to think about that house as my home. Not with bad memories lurking behind every door. I took in a breath, delaying the torture of having to lie to him and just when I parted my lips to say something, he preceded me.

  “Don’t bother, angel. I don’t need you to lie.” He looked at me tenderly and then smiled, trying to lighten up the atmosphere. “Besides, you make a terrible liar... But that’s just one of the many things I like about you.” My heart skipped a beat. One of the many things he liked about me?

  Stunned by his comment, I remained silent, deciding to take another bite of the delicious pancake and after that, the conversation went dead.

  In a short while, we left that beautiful estate and headed back to the place that didn’t represent anything but bitter memories for the both of us. For a long time, I gazed out the window, wrapping my thoughts into the passing life of magnificent nature and then, I felt a familiar warm, electric shiver rush through me. Everything in me woke up as I realized that Sebastian gently entwined our fingers and held my hand. Gulping, I turned towards him with painful slowness and though his eyes were fixed on the road, it felt like he was piercing through me with the green lightning of his stare. I couldn’t help thinking that my hand fell into his with such incredible smoothness and a part of me wondered if he was the only man in the world who could evoke that flustering feeling of excitement. With a smile on his face, he pulled my hand towards him, lowering his lips on my knuckles and burning a beautiful memory with a small, ticklish kiss. Then, as if he could read my mind, he glanced at me, his eyes warm and trusting, observing me like I consumed the deepest part of his thoughts and the idea of it made me feel cherished and special. Everything seemed better, at the reach of our hands. We just had to be patient and wait for it. At that moment, it felt like someday, somewhere... we could actually build a home together.

  Chapter Thirty-Six

  The shiny, warm clarity of summer had been replaced by the cold, murky autumn sky and I observed as the golden leaves fell from the trees, leaving their branches naked and vulnerable for the merciless winter to come. Carried by the strength of the wind, the leaves flew away in a dance, taking away the playful spectrum of colors along with them. The monotonous picture of the once beautiful garden now seemed to be dark and gray. Startled by the approaching noise, I looked away from the depressing imagery on the outside and I was welcomed by a scowling voice.

  “Isabelle, you’ve barely touched your food.” Anne expressed her worry when she found me lost in thoughts at a breakfast table.

  “I’m just not that hungry,” I said quietly and forced a smile.

  Anne smiled and looked at me like she was trying to decipher my thoughts. “I wonder if your sudden loss of appetite has anything to do with Sebastian’s absence.” She winked at me and I blushed.

  I caught myself analyzing what she had told me and I was struck by the truth of her words. Sebastian had been gone for three days, and just like the bright summer had been replaced by the dampening fall, the colorful world he put me in went black and white again. The man whose presence used to be the last thing I desired suddenly wouldn’t leave my mind and this fresh revelation that I was becoming dependent on him left me bewildered.

  “It’s alright, dear. You don’t have to say a thing, but I can tell that he’s warming up to your heart. I’m glad to see that he’s trying to make amends,” she said softly.

  I swallowed and looked at her with a pinch of sadness. Even though I’d never told her, I felt she must have had a hunch about what happened between us and she knew how he used to treat me.

  “Making amends is all he ever does lately,” I said in a whisper. “And he’s quite good at it,” I mumbled to myself.

  A slight smile appeared on Anne’s lips and she rested her hand on my shoulder. “Sebastian can be quite charming when he wants to be. Be careful, because he just might steal your heart.” She meant it as a joke, but I didn’t find it funny for obvious reasons.

  I swallowed my answer. It’s too late to be careful.

  Anne observed me suspiciously. She knew that things had changed, but as always, she didn’t comment on it. As kind as she was, she just continued clearing up the table and every now and then glanced at me with a kind expression on her face. I was really blessed to have her near and I couldn’t help but think that she was more attached to me than my own mother.

  “Thank you, Anne,” I said when she was about to leave the room and she smiled at me warmly, letting me know she was aware I was thanking her for a lot more than clearing the table.

  Defying, heavy rain started falling from the sullen sky, preventing me from going outside and I resigned my original idea to find something that would consume my restless thoughts for a while and instead, I headed towards my bedroom. When I walked past the media room, the memory of the painful conversation I had with Sebastian returned to taunt me. The sound of his voice when he presented me with the story I had written and demanded a happy ending for the characters consumed my mind again and I realized that my doubts since then had lessened and I started believing that my characters could have their happily ever after if they worked hard for it. Up until now, I’d had a huge writer’s block because I couldn’t think of anything the hero could do to redeem himself, but suddenly, I was bursting with inspiration and I had more than one idea of how he could try to amend for his actions. The fact that I had managed to find something that would distract me from thinking about my husband who was closing business deals in Paris while I spent lonely hours in that huge, empty house filled me with satisfaction and I couldn’t wait to start writing again.

  Excited, I searched for the notebook that held one of my most prized possessions, and once I found it, a childish squeak left my throat, forcing me to laugh at myself for being so silly. Before I dived into the depressing world of my characters, which I wanted to change, I decided to return to the kitchen and prepare a cup of soothing chamomile tea. Another dear remembrance of Sebastian’s thoughtfulness filled me with the flustering feeling of anticipation again and I smiled to an empty room, being completely aware that once more, I missed my husband’s presence.

  Hours went by quickly, and I wrote with so much enthusiasm that my thoughts seemed to be faster than my hand and the words that were stuck in my mind for so long seemed to have effortlessly spilled on the blank paper. The new concept of the story I had created filled me with happiness, and for the first time after starting to work on this novel, I felt like it was going in the right
direction and I couldn’t help but feel proud about it. The hero decided to show that even though he had hurt the heroine and left her broken, he could derive enough strength for both of them and prove her that there was a way out of their bad situation. Every day, he would demonstrate patience and care for the heroine who had managed to work her way into his heart and with the small, but milestone-changing gestures, he slowly tried to work his way into hers. At first, she was confused by the attention he showered her with, and she was wary to accept his apology and believe in the honesty of his intentions, but eventually, his warmth had melted her mistrust and she yielded to him, even though she knew that by doing so, she would make herself vulnerable again, but it was a risk she was willing to take. Many obstacles still ruled and threatened the safety of their newfound world, but at least now, she was prepared to give him her trust and fight along with him.

  Despite the fact that it was getting late and my eyes as well as my hands were getting tired, the excitement hadn’t subsided. The urge to keep on writing was overwhelming, and had it not been for the sudden knock on the door, I’m sure I would have fallen asleep with the pen in my hands and my head on the desk.

  With reluctance, I put the notebook away and invited whoever was on the other side of the door to come inside. The door opened halfway and I was greeted with the sight of Annette partially leaning over the door, staring at me with a smile on her face. Even though I was tired, I was glad to see her, but her mysterious behavior left me baffled.

  “Why don’t you come inside?” I asked in a light voice and she looked at me with strange excitement glowing from her eyes.

  Confused, I started laughing because I didn’t know what she was hiding behind that door. Annette was slowly relaxing around me, but at times she still seemed to be tense in my presence.