Virtue & Vanity

by Astrid Jane Ray

  Under the disturbing reminiscence of Dianne’s cruel treatment and Sebastian’s indifference that kept haunting me, together with all the demons of the past, I roamed the hallways of The Goliath like I were a ghost. Through a fog, I could see the people staring at me with a mixture of shock and worry on their faces. Some of them were saying something, but I couldn’t make out a word. I had made it to the elevator and once I pressed the button, the commotion in my head had subsided and a splash of cold sweat appeared on my face. Go ahead, ask him... Ask him if he really cares... Dianne’s cruel words rang in my ears as if they were set on a replay. The room was spinning around me and I felt myself fall, like I’d been pushed by the immense pressure that carried my body to the ground. I waited... I waited for the thump that would signalize my body had finally hit the cold tiled floor. I waited and waited, only to realize I didn’t land on the ground because somebody held me up, embracing me with strong arms, whispering my name and begging me to calm down. At the very moment when blackness was about to claim me, the scent of familiar cologne traveled in my direction and although it shouldn’t have, it made me feel at ease. When I heard a whisper that rang with warmth again, everything came rushing back with the shade of that voice. Its soft, disarming and almost desperate tone evoked the unbearable agony that gripped every cell of my feeble body.

  “I’m sorry.” I felt the touch of warm lips on my forehead. “I’m sorry.” Those lips murmured against the nape of my neck grazing it with their soft breath. “I’m sorry.” The broken voice echoed around me while I was being pulled into an even tighter embrace that felt so soothing and way too pleasant, but I knew I had to reject the comfort of those strong arms so I kept trying to set myself free. “Shh. Don’t. Don’t push me away, my love. Please, let me hold you. I can’t bear to see you in pain,” the man’s pleading voice said, although he probably knew that even if I wanted to run away I couldn’t anymore, because I was drifting into nothingness, focusing on the sound of that voice that continued repeating the words that kept me from falling further into despair. “Forgive me for the tears, angel. Please... Please, give me a chance to explain. You’re my everything. I need to make you underst...” The voice faded away and everything before my eyes went black.

  Chapter Forty

  The overpowering scent of strong alcohol took hold of my senses and I was slowly emerging from the fog, regaining consciousness. The source of light hit my face and it was difficult to keep my eyes opened. I heard muffled voices and felt the vibrations of movement around me. I willed myself to wake up and even though it was harder than I thought, that scent of alcohol kept lurking around me, keeping me from falling back to the dark.

  “Sir, she’s waking up,” a familiar woman’s voice said as my eyes started adjusting to the light.

  At first, everything was blurry, but as my vision sharpened, I was stunned to realize that I was sitting on the sofa in some sort of fancy looking living space area, leaning on Sebastian’s chest. Startled by my discovery, I looked up and in a second, I found myself only inches away from those green eyes that stared at me with so much silent tenderness, making me question my sanity. Wanting to escape that gaze, my eyes moved away from him and took in the unfamiliar space that surrounded me, pausing at Emily who stood above us, holding a glass of water in her hand. Sebastian reached for the glass and without a word brought it to my lips, making me drink. He glanced back at Emily and a silent agreement was reached between them. She nodded, offering me a compassionate smile before she left the room.

  Suddenly we were alone, bathed in the uncomfortable silence that only enhanced the tension between us. A question was formed in my mind, waiting to be asked at the tip of my tongue, but I couldn’t—not yet. I needed to prolong this moment of peace before I asked. In all honesty, I didn’t want a conversation. I wanted to remain silent, prolonging the illusion that his arms still offered safety and pretending that everything wasn’t about to explode and crush around us. I kept telling myself that I need to move away from him and create the distance that would stop him from ever hurting me again, but despite that, I still remained in my original position, empty and drained of any energy to fight the cruel circumstances. It was dangerous. It was unfair. It was wrong to be in his embrace. Then why did it still feel so right? As I wondered how it could possibly feel safe after he had shown me how little I meant to him, the unmistakable feeling of betrayal filled me with bitterness.

  “You made me trust you.” A small whisper left my body as I stared at him brokenly and when I spoke again, my voice cracked into a million pieces that seemed to travel in his direction, hitting him like shrapnel. “You made me f-forgive you.”

  With transparent caution, his hand landed on my hair and he started gently running his fingers through it, offering comfort that wasn’t there in reality because I was frozen under his touch.

  “Isabelle I...” He swallowed like he didn’t know where to begin or what to say.

  It hurt so much to hear that gentle whisper again. It hurt so much to think that it was all a pretty dream and I woke up into a nightmare. Go ahead, ask him... Ask him if he really cares...

  “You’re in love with her, aren’t you?” I asked in defeat and moved away from him with painful slowness.

  Squeezing his fingers, he formed a tight fist before swallowing hard. He tilted up my chin, making me face him and he looked me right into the eyes when he finally offered an answer to my burning question.

  “NO!” he said firmly and continued gazing at me with intensity, offended by what I had asked him. “No, I’m not in love with her, Isabelle.”

  He didn’t pause or hesitate as he spoke in the voice that uncovered something possessive and possibly dangerous within him. He didn’t even blink for seconds after saying the words that should have reassured me, but didn’t.

  “I don’t believe you,” I said in a flat voice, trying to keep an impression of indifference.

  “Isabelle,” he gave me a pleading look, “after everything we’ve been through, is it still that easy to doubt me?”

  For a moment, his words shamed me as they evoked the flashbacks of his many kind gestures. While they interchanged before my eyes, I wanted to find a reason to make myself believe he was being honest with me, but the last image of his weird and heartless reaction to Dianne’s words tainted all those lovely memories, throwing dirt on the purity of their remembrance. I shrugged and looked at him with a healthy dose of skepticism.

  “You made it easy,” I said in a shaky whisper that was filled with sadness. “How could I have been such a fool? After everything, I stupidly believed you when you told me she wasn’t your lover even though I’ve seen you kiss her with my own eyes...” I took a deep breath to keep myself from breaking down as I was looking at the man who lifted me up in the sky, only to let me hit the cold ground.

  He exhaled and ran his fingers through his hair, closing his eyes as if returning my gaze presented too big of a challenge for him. When he finally looked at me, his expression resembled that of a man who was at his wits end.

  “I know that I’ve done some pretty messed up things and I’m well aware that I will have to amend for them until the end of my days...” His voice froze as his eyes burned an impression on my face. “But I’ve never lied to you, Isabelle. Never,” he accentuated the words with such certainty and there was a strange glow forming in his glare. “That kiss meant nothing and I haven’t slept with Cora...” he said in a gruff voice that suddenly became noticeably softer almost like he was being careful not to hurt me further by what he was about to say. “At least not after I married you.”

  The nerve of him made me upset and I gave him a challenging look because I knew for a fact that he wasn’t telling the truth. Being the control freak that he was, I couldn’t have imagined that he would ever take the risk he claimed to have taken.

  “How is that possible?” I confronted him and all he did was stare at me in confusion.

  “Isabelle,” he shook his head like he couldn�
��t have made sense of my question, “I don’t think I have to explain that sometimes things between a man and a woman just happen when ...”

  “That’s not what I meant,” I interrupted him in a firm voice that had weakened as I tried to confront him with the fact that had been made painfully clear to me. “Wasn’t she...” My cheeks blushed as I was about to ask the question and I had to look away from him and fixate my gaze at the floor. “Wasn’t she supposed to be a... a v-virgin before you got married?” I asked in a small voice and made myself look at him again because I was dying to see his reaction.

  What I saw was the exact opposite of what I’d expected, because he seemed to have looked at me with an expression of complete surprise in his eyes.

  “Of course not,” he said, shocked by what I had told him and I froze as he glared at me with confusion. “Who told you that?”

  For a moment, I was taken aback by his act of surprise and denial, but after a while, I remembered all of the humiliation they’d made me go through before I had even gotten a chance to meet him and I knew I couldn’t let him fool me because the path of hell that led me straight to this man hadn’t been a dream. It was real.

  “Mrs. Moran did. The first time when she came to make arrangements.” I closed my eyes, willing myself to speak further. “She was even accompanied by a doctor w-who...” I swallowed the heavy words and a tear slid down my face when I remembered the rough treatment of that man that had filled me with shame and disgust.

  In an attempt to take advantage of my moment of weakness, I could feel him gently tilt up my chin, but I was too consumed by painful memories to fight the act of his shameless, triumphant persistence. As the tear rolling down my cheek ended up falling onto his hand, I could feel it twitch and his soft touch stiffened on my skin.

  “That’s what you meant when you talked about examination before the wedding?!” He made a statement in a soft voice that rang with a pinch of something that resembled anger, evoking one more undesirable image to come back to my mind and play with my sanity.

  Seconds went by and we remained in the same position, until I couldn’t take the pressure anymore, and I opened my eyes, meeting his penetrating green gaze. Time was ticking away in silence and it felt as though we didn’t move; it felt as though we didn’t even breathe as I kept repeating the same words from back then, hoping that this time they would help me, even though they didn’t do me any good before. Don’t cry. Don’t let him see the tears. As if God himself answered my prayers, Sebastian finally broke the intense gaze between us and looked down at his hand, which still held the smeared wetness of my tear on its bronze skin.

  “I can’t even begin to imagine…” He said in a voice reigned by clarity, but when he paused, something had changed and the rest of his words came out in a shaky whisper. “I’m so sorry for what they’ve done to you, angel.”

  “Don’t...” I tried to defy him, but he laid a finger on my lips, slowly coming closer like he was approaching a wounded dove.

  “I’m so sorry for what I’ve done to you,” he muttered in a quiet voice which uncovered he was under some kind of a pressure and my eyes widened as he took me by complete surprise and pulled me back into his tight embrace.

  In a fit of sudden anger, I started pushing him away, but he wouldn’t let go of me and I couldn’t help thinking he was a brute who took complete advantage of the unfair difference between us, knowing that I couldn’t fight his strength.

  “Damn you, Sebastian! Why don’t you just put a dagger through my heart?” I shrieked in pain and as the tears of frustration started dwelling in my eyes and rolling down my cheeks. When his grip tightened around me, I continued taunting him to react like the monster from before because then it would have been so much easier to hate him. Why couldn’t I just hate him? “Damn you! D-Damn all of you...”

  “Shh, don’t cry.” He had the audacity to comfort me and he even dared to lay soft caresses along my body as I trembled helplessly in his arms, wondering if I would ever manage to escape this hell I was trapped in. “Please don’t cry. It will be okay. Trust me.”

  I shook my head at his senseless demand to trust him and when he started rocking me in his arms, all the while repeating those empty reassurances, I gladly sank further into oblivion. Had there not been his intriguing words that followed after those weightless whispers, I would have surrendered to the melancholy that provided at least some sort of mental stability, but his voice had uttered something that shocked me and made me doubt everything I thought I knew.

  “I cannot find the words to say how much I feel for you, Isabelle. I’m broken by everything you had to go through, but I swear I didn’t know you were that innocent on our wedding night.” He stopped talking when I winced in his arms and he paused, giving me a chance to prepare for what he was about to say. “Nowhere in that will does it say that a bride needs to be a virgin before the wedding.”

  As if a bomb had hit the ground and made it tremble around us, utter shock spread through my body like paralyzing venom. Wiping away my tears, I struggled to free myself from his strong embrace and when he finally let go of me, I crossed my arms over my chest, gripping my shoulders because I couldn’t stop shaking.

  “W-What are you saying? That doesn’t make any sense. Why on earth...” My voice cracked. “Why w-would they...?”

  Sebastian looked away. Just like that night in Las Vegas when he’d apologized to me, he was unable to look me in the eyes again.

  “I don’t know for sure, but I guess they were probably trying to get rid of you,” he said in a voice that was filled with guilt.

  It took all of my self-control to calm myself down and confront his wild statements.

  “You’re making this up,” I accused him in a cold voice, feeling angry because he still wouldn’t look at me. “WHY would they try to get rid of me when they were the ones who contacted my mother?”

  As he continued gazing at me with an empty, broken shade of green that held me under its captivating spell, making it impossible for me to look away, I realized I might have actually trapped him in a lie from which he couldn’t escape, so I didn’t expect an answer. It actually felt liberating to think I had managed to win a battle in this mesmerizing and hostile war, but just like always, my victory seemed to have been celebrated too early when he suddenly spoke again.

  “Isabelle... I’ve made my peace with the fact that my conscience will never be cleared again and that the burden on my chest will still be there for as long as I breathe. So, you see, I have no reason to lie to you. Nobody contacted your mother. You...” He paused because he knew. He knew that he would shatter the remains of my already too battered world and trust into pieces that could never be mended together again. “Your mother was the one who reached out to us and demanded this marriage.”

  For a fracture of a second, I allowed myself to give the benefit of the doubt to his statement, but my entire system refused to validate that despicable allegation.

  “How... How dare you?” I spat out, feeling the rage towards him growing beyond repair. “How dare you lie to me you...” I spoke to him like I’d never dared before and I had actually raised my hands and reached out towards him in an attempt to let out at least some of the frustration, but he took hold of my wrists, squeezing them tightly at first, until his grip loosened up, turning into something that was soft, gentle and depressingly persuasive.

  “Listen to me!” he raised his voice slightly, willing me to give him my full attention and when I did, he let go of my wrists slowly and with caution like he feared I might want to attack him again. “Please, let me explain,” he said softly and even his eyes started forming a gaze that seemed to radiate compassion. “I’ve tried to protect you, but now I realize that one cannot be protected from the truth. I didn’t lie to you, Isabelle. Your mother was the one who started this mess.”

  “So you say again but... Why would she do that?” I looked at him incredulously, trying to determine whether or not he was telling the truth by met
iculously inspecting his expression, but the answer was inconclusive.

  “I wish I knew why, but I’m afraid she is the only person who can give you the answer to that question.”

  His emerald eyes bored into mine for a few moments, taking in my reaction to what he was saying to me. Before continuing, his lips formed a weak, almost reassuring smile and the fact that he still treated me like I was made of glass should have bothered me, but for some reason it didn’t bother me at all.

  “All I can do is tell you what I know about the way in which the events that eventually led to our marriage had taken place, and maybe I can make a few wild assumptions as to why your mother did what she did, but I think they are probably close to the truth.”