The Power of Presence

by Joy Thomas Moore

  I have a Lock Box secret with each of my children and over the years each has expressed their appreciation of my commitment to our secret. Not too long ago, I came across a “just because” card Shani sent me more than a decade ago. It was titled “How to Be a Best Friend.” Next to a drawing of a very stylish woman is a list of seven you know you’re a best friend when statements, each of which she completed and personalized. Number two is “Keep secrets,” after which she added, “(no matter how many years go by…).” Seeing that again caused a spontaneous smile.

  If a parent shares a child’s secret, a bond is broken and the relationship can be compromised forever. Mom taught me trust and how to be the best at keeping a secret. I also learned that you will share more if that trust is cemented. Now I’m able to pass that value on, one secret at a time.

  LESSON FROM A LIONESS: Create a safe place for the truth.

  Being a confidant should also be part of our job description. Our children will not confide in us if we don’t exhibit the traits of a fantastic listener—nonjudgmental, tight-lipped, supportive. After all, do you tell just anyone your deepest regrets, darkest secrets, or secret desires? To be a confidant, we have to create safe places for truth. For my children and me, keeping things private was a core value, and our Lock Box became that proverbial sacred ground. According to Amy McCready, founder of Positive Parenting Solutions and author of The “Me, Me, Me” Epidemic, parents can create a safe place for truth—their own personal Lock Boxes—by implementing the following seven conditions.

  1. Be aware of how you respond to misbehavior in general. Why do people lie? To avoid punishment, shame, or judgment are just some of the reasons. Consider whether your usual responses to your children’s confessions include any or all of these reactions. Practice listening with empathy and focusing on solutions instead of pointing the finger. What’s done is done, but what is to be done in the future depends on your response to your child.

  2. Allow your child to save face. Nobody likes to walk into a trap. If you ask your child a question you already know the answer to, you are inviting her to tell a lie. McCready suggests instead of asking, “Did you finish your homework?” try, “What are your plans for finishing your homework?” If your child hasn’t completed his homework, he can create an out for himself by making a plan rather than telling a fib.

  3. Focus on the feeling. When your child has something to tell you, try to understand why he or she might not be comfortable telling the truth in the first place. McCready suggests, “Instead of calling him out about the lie, try, ‘That sounds like a bit of a story to me. You must have felt afraid to tell me the truth. Let’s talk about that.’ You’ll get the honesty you’re looking for, as well as information that may help you foster the truth in the future.”

  4. Acknowledge and appreciate honesty. Offer praise and encouragement when your children share. “I really appreciate you having the courage to tell me that. I know it’s hard; I’ve been there.”

  5. Acknowledge mistakes. Mistakes are opportunities to teach lessons. Ask children: If you could do it all over, what would you do that is different? Tell them about a time when you made a similar mistake and how you made it right—and most important, how your child can grow and benefit from hers.

  6. Reinforce unconditional love. There isn’t anything a child can do that could take our love away, but many times kids don’t know that. Tell them you might not be happy with her choices, but you are happy that she is your child. That will never change. And I would add, punctuate your words with a hug!

  7. Watch your white lies. Those little eyes and ears are always watching and listening… Your actions set the example for model behavior. So next time you make up a fake excuse for not returning a call or not showing up to a party that you said you would attend, consider what signals you are sending that aren’t in line with the core values you are trying to instill in your child.

  The Talk

  Every choice comes with a consequence. Once you make a choice, you must accept responsibility. You cannot escape the consequences of your choices, whether you like them or not.

  —Roy T. Bennett

  While being a confidant is an incredibly important role to play, as a parent it’s also our job to make sure our children understand that their behaviors have real consequences. We have to teach them to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, because one wrong prank or one bad judgment can have enormous repercussions. I think one of the reasons my son’s book The Other Wes Moore resonates with so many is that it shows that choice cuts a narrow path between a life that falls short of its promise and a life of purpose. The other Wes went down one road and is now spending the rest of his life in prison for his role in the murder of an off-duty policeman. My Wes, despite a rocky start, went down a different path and today enjoys a life where he can help countless others.

  In his book, Wes revealed an incident when he was twelve years old and he and a friend were caught tagging a building not far from our house in the Bronx. The whizzing sound of the police siren stopped him and his buddy in their tracks as they were caught red-handed with spray cans in midair. For the first time Wes felt the cold sensation of steel on his wrists as he was shoved into a patrol car, tears flowing from his fear that he was going to be arrested. That fear intensified when the officer asked for my number. As it turned out, I was never called and Wes was never arrested because thankfully he remembered our “Talk” about interactions with police and he was respectful and apologetic. The officer then compassionately explained to Wes that tagging may seem like a small thing but it is against the law and is destruction of private property. He told him that he would be jeopardizing what he suspected could be a bright future if he did it again. Then he released Wes, who in retrospect realized how very lucky he was because this officer was more interested in helping kids make better choices than scarring them for life for foolish ones.

  To me, this interaction between my son and the officer symbolizes the intersection that must happen between the community and the police if we are to get past the fear, the targeting, the mistrust, and, most important, the amazingly unacceptable hostility and waste of human lives on both sides. Most experts agree that the first step must be to bridge the gaps between those sworn to serve and protect and a public that feels disrespected and targeted. I don’t know a parent who doesn’t worry about their child’s safety when they are out in the world without them. This fear is heightened when a single parent has to confront it alone.

  Tanya Carr, a New York City detective and single mom of a teenage girl, says much of the problem stems from the fact that there is too little attention paid to the value of communication, so neither side really knows the other.

  Look, you have a force full of people who don’t live in New York City, didn’t grow up in New York, and who don’t associate with anyone who lives in the city. Then you have a public that only has contact with police when there is an altercation or investigation. Tensions are high, tactics may be suspect, and responses may be guarded. That’s no time to build relationships.

  Police are required to reside within the five boroughs of New York City or surrounding counties, but they don’t have to live within the borough in which they work. Because housing is so expensive and the cost of living so high, larger cities like New York, Los Angeles, or Philadelphia can’t realistically require police to reside in the areas they serve. What some departments around the country have put into place, however, is to mandate that police officers start out on foot patrol. It’s a lot harder for police or community members to be hostile to each other in a time of conflict if just yesterday they were talking about Johnny’s graduation or the best place in the neighborhood to get a good roast beef sandwich.

  Philip Banks III began his career in the New York City Police Department straight out of college on foot patrol. He rose through the ranks and had every conceivable assignment throughout the city during his twenty-eight years on the force. In 2013 Phil was promoted to chie
f of department, the third-highest ranking position in the force. He retired shortly after, and he’s now chief operating officer of a private investigation and consulting firm. He’s married with two sons and a daughter so he, like Tanya Carr, looks at this dilemma between police and community through two lenses and one heart, from the vantage point of law enforcement and as a parent. Through the police officer’s lens, he saw and commanded outstanding officers who would lay down their lives for each other and the community they serve every day. The force is a band of brothers and sisters, and when they use phrases like “bleed blue,” or “wall of blue,” that’s very real to them. But as in every profession, there are people who shouldn’t be there, and their fellow officers know that. The difficulty, Phil says, is that unfortunately what the community perceives is true—officers are loath to turn each other in if there’s even the slight possibility that an officer who behaved questionably really feared for his or her life. Police connect to that fear from a very deep and almost impenetrable place in their souls. Ironically, he says, they will and do turn each other in for corruption or domestic violence. But fearing for their lives is a visceral reaction that they all relate to. A situation has to be extraordinarily blatant before officers will turn on their peers.

  The NYPD and other departments across the country are trying to train their officers to have as deep an understanding of and empathy for the community as they have for their fellow officers. One training technique that they already have in place is after officers have graduated from the academy, and before they hit the streets, they go through sessions with actual community members to hear their genuine concerns and fears, and the community gets a chance to hear from the police. Phil says both police and community have to get creative and committed to addressing the mistrust that exists.

  The job of police is policing, and to do that effectively is for the community to know who you are as a person and what you’re about. You have to remove that middleman filter, be it the media or other community members who have had bad interactions with the police, and let them know exactly who you are, then the community can make an informed decision whether to trust you or not. And here’s the thing, if you are doing your job right and you have your moral compass pointing in the right direction, the community can draw the following conclusion: You are on my side and we are in this together.

  Departments have to look at the community as its customers and treat them with respect. That’s step one on the police side. On the community side, we have to treat that officer with respect, and start with simple things like saying “good morning.” The culture of respect is what’s missing on both sides. Getting police out of their cruisers and on their feet is something else that has to happen more. There also has to be more cultural awareness on the part of police and relating to community on a day-to-day basis, and having a real presence is the best way to do that. A kid who shows this kind of false bravado that screams with attitude, “I ain’t afraid of you,” is displaying the kind of armor needed to stay alive in the street. There are techniques to de-escalate tense situations and to encourage the kid to believe the cop and [they] can deal with each other with respect and understanding.

  That reminded me of my favorite quote that you’ve seen in this book in several places in various forms: Kids need to think that you care before they care what you think.

  So that’s part of the long-game strategy, one that will take years to become part of a new culture. What mothers want to know is what can we do now to protect our children. That’s what The Talk is all about. It is just another way we can have presence when we are not around. Embrace it! The Talk is a little different in every family and with every kid, but it is a very necessary and honest conversation about how to stay safe around authority figures, aggressors, or other unpredictable influences. And while The Talk is usually associated with police-community relations, increasingly it includes how we handle difficult situations, for both men and women, with dates, supervisors, bosses, and anyone in a position of power over our lives and livelihood. Improving the relationships between those striving to make a way for themselves in the world and those empowered to either assist or assault is critical if this nation is to achieve its true promise. But until then, The Talk, in all its variations, is a necessity for all parents, particularly single ones.

  LESSON FROM A LIONESS: We can’t be with our kids 24/7. Have The Talk!

  FOR ALL YOUNG CHILDREN

  The Talk for kids ages three to six is essential to warn them, without scaring them, about stranger danger and those I call “friendemies”—family members or friends of the family who are bad influences. Writer Kathleen F. Miller offers some tips to keep our kids safe when we are not around.

  When they are old enough to answer the phone, they should be taught to call 911 in an emergency. They should be taught their first and last name, home address, the best telephone number of the parent(s), and the first and last name of the caregiver(s). If they are tall and old enough to answer the front door, teach them never to open it to someone they don’t know.

  Teach them to never go anywhere with anyone without your permission. Teach them to be aware of anyone who is following them or paying special attention to them. If they feel uncomfortable, they should learn to run and immediately tell you or whoever is in charge of them.

  Develop a code word. If someone other than the parent needs to pick them up unexpectedly, teach your child a word that the person must know before your child will go with them.

  Teach them common tricks of predators. Teach them not to accept candy; come to a car to look at puppies; come to a car to give anyone directions; or violate a family rule, like giving a code word before going with someone other than you.

  Make sure school or caregivers know to never let anyone pick up your child without your written permission.

  Teach your child that not all people who might harm them will be strangers. They should be alert to anyone who makes them feel uncomfortable, or who touches them inappropriately or who tries to lure them into a room or area of the house that’s isolated. Teach them to yell “No” and run to a trusted adult if they ever find themselves in an uncomfortable situation.

  FOR OUR BOYS

  For the sake of your son’s safety, banish the notion that The Talk is a male rite of passage and solely in the domain of the father. If he’s not around and there’s no male mentor or relative whom your son trusts and can take on that conversation, it’s on you, and that’s okay. This is what I said to my kids, and I am positive that variations of this are said in homes all over America, and I suspect around the world:

  Don’t talk back.

  Be respectful.

  Say “yes sir,” “yes ma’am” (Phil suggests you say “yes Officer”).

  Be careful of the colors you are wearing if there are gangs in that area.

  Save the bravado for when you are hanging with your friends.

  Saggy pants without belts and sneakers without shoelaces come from a place no kid should aspire to go—prison.

  If you are in or driving a car and you are stopped by police, Phil suggests these potentially lifesaving actions: Roll down all the windows—front and back—so the officer can see your hands at all times.

  Stay calm.

  As the officer approaches the window, say, “I am unarmed and I have nothing on me or around me that will hurt you.”

  If you’re the driver, keep your hands on the steering wheel at all times, unless the officer instructs you to do otherwise.

  Never make a sudden move to the glove compartment.

  The driver and passengers should ask permission before making any moves within the car. Say “May I reach inside my pocket or my purse to get my license?” or the like.

  There is a commercial product called the Pullover Pal document holder. It’s a waterproof holder with clear pockets that are designed to fold over a window so that you can keep your hands on the wheel. It holds your driver’s license, insurance card, and any special medi
cal alert cards (indicating hard of hearing, autistic, Parkinson’s disease, and so on). This way you have all the documents you need in one place to easily display in the event of a traffic stop. Ordering information as well as additional information about the above disabilities can be found on the book’s companion website, www.power-ofpresence.com.

  FOR OUR GIRLS

  The Talk about community-police interaction is just as essential for our daughters. Just ask Sandra Bland. But statistically, daughters are more likely to be affected by interpersonal situations where their personal space and bodies are violated. Daughters should have already learned all the childhood cautions; as they grow older The Talk has to shift to topics like date rape and physical and psychological abuse among dating teens. As New York Times contributing op-ed writer Jill Filipovic warned, we need to alter the way we teach our daughters to protect themselves. When they are young we tell them to tell us if anyone touches them or makes them feel icky. As they grow up, we arm them with pepper spray and rape whistles, make sure they always carry cab fare (or have an Uber or Lyft account), and instruct them not to leave drinks unattended at parties or, if they are old enough, at clubs. We are also vigilant for any signs of our daughters being physically abused. Filipovic says that girls are “taught to be emotionally competent and to be responsive to the needs of others.” This, she says can lead to a girl feeling subservient to boys and can eventually carry over to the workplace. Girls don’t learn to be “solo aviators” of their own bodies, and instead are positioned to have to accept or reject men’s advances. “Nor are we allowed full expressions of rage or other unfeminine emotions when we are mistreated,” she continues. “No wonder we try to politely excuse ourselves from predatory men instead of responding with the ire that predation merits.” Heroically, the “Me Too” campaign pulled away the scab from this horrific reality for too many girls and women.