by Cora Brent
“It’s the not knowing part,” I called after her.
Cami turned and waited for me to continue.
I tossed the used paper towel in the trash and leaned against the sink with my arms crossed, trying to sum up the anguish of my mother’s disappearance in a few sentences. “Maybe most people would rather have that little bit of hope to cling to. That could be why my grandparents stopped searching. But lately I’m starting to feel like I can’t move forward until I know.” I exhaled loudly and looked up at the cracked ceiling. “With all the years that have passed you’d think I’d be used to it.”
Cami disagreed. “I’m not sure anyone would be able to get used to that, Paige.”
I nodded. “Thanks.”
“Call me.”
“I will.”
When Cami was gone I glanced at her business card before squirreling it away in my purse. Her full name was Camille Tremaine. Her husband was the handsome former baseball player who I’d been introduced to earlier. Dalton Tremaine.
“His name was Hale Tremaine. My cousin was marrying his brother. I was drunk. We both were.”
Derek had given me a brief summary of the night he drove drunk and had an accident that cost another man his life. By a strange and terrible coincidence the man he collided with was the brother of Cami’s husband. Cami wasn’t just saying things when she said the family was no stranger to sadness.
The restroom was empty now. I was free to shut myself away for a few minutes and deal with my stomach. It would take less than a minute and for a second I looked at the nearest grimy stall with something like longing. Then just as quickly the idea disgusted me. I popped a piece of gum in my mouth to get rid of the antacid chalk, ensured my hair covered the hickey on my neck and left without doing anything awful.
Derek was watching for me as I made my way back to the bleachers. Our eyes met and I felt the same thrill of being the object of his attention.
Kellan was sitting next to his brother, chowing down on some nachos. Thomas was on the mound and had just pitched a scoreless inning, initiating another outbreak of loud cheering from the Gentry family.
Derek kept his eyes on me as I sat down. He leaned in my direction and I braced for a kiss but he only wanted to whisper in my ear.
“Kellan was right about one thing.”
I peeked around Derek to see Kellan stuffing nachos into his mouth.
“What’s that?” I wanted to know.
Derek’s eyes strayed over me. “You do look really pretty in that dress.”
If he’d said it another way I might have thought about something filthy. But the compliment came across as sweet, sincere. And somehow that meant even more.
Derek’s knee nudged mine. “What do you want to do after this?”
Suddenly I didn’t care about sounding needy or clingy. I slipped my arm through his, nestling close to his body, and decided to be honest.
“I just want to be with you,” I said.
He smiled.
Chapter Fourteen
Derek
Kellan refused to believe me.
“I’m not lying,” I insisted, holding my hands up as if that was a measure of proof.
He opened a carton of milk, made a face and drank a few mouthfuls anyway before throwing the rest out. He wiped his mouth.
“No way.” He belched. “I could hear you guys in there.”
“You didn’t hear jack shit,” I muttered, wiping crumbs off the counter from one of Kellan’s feeding frenzies. He really was a slob sometimes.
But Kellan wasn’t finished tormenting me. “I got to give you credit, she sounded pretty satisfied.”
“What the fuck were you doing, listening at the door?”
“Ha! So you do admit it.”
“No.” I swept the crumbs into the sink and faced him. “On my honor we have not had sex.”
Kellan looked like he was considering whether my honor actually meant anything. “Haven’t you spent a few nights with Paige now?”
“Doesn’t matter.”
“Remember that I saw you try to devour her against the front door yesterday when we picked her up. It seems pretty unlikely you guys haven’t messed around.”
“We haven’t had sex,” I repeated, omitting the details of all the things Paige and I had done. After last night’s game where my kid brother stayed on the mound for a complete game and shut out the competition, Paige wanted to see my apartment. We decided to stay here instead of the Gingerbread House. She wore one of my old t-shirts to bed although she didn’t want to keep it on for very long. It drove me crazy how eager she was when we were alone with the lights off. And it didn’t require much effort to get her to come; she practically dissolved every time I touched her. We pushed things as far as we could push them and at one point I slid her flimsy panties down and allowed my dick to escape long enough to get a hint of how badly she wanted more. But I put the brakes on and finished her with my mouth. She returned the favor. And she was pretty fucking good at it. So technically what I told Kellan was correct. We hadn’t had sex. I wanted to. I was hard all day thinking about being inside of her and this level of restraint wasn’t at all usual for me. Maybe it’s because I was sober for once. Or maybe because Paige was the sweetest girl I’d ever met. Everything was different with her. She knew exactly who I was and still looked at me like I hung the moon. I wanted to be the kind of guy she deserved and if that wasn’t a reason to stay clean and be decent then I didn’t know what was.
While I was mulling all this over a new idea had occurred to Kellan. “You never call it that.”
“Huh?”
“Sex.”
“You’re claiming I never refer to sex as sex?”
“Yup.”
“Bullshit.”
“It’s true. You know I’m the one with the infinitely superior memory.”
I shook my head. “This is the stupidest conversation ever.”
He bobbed his head knowingly. “Fucking.”
Now I was lost. “Who’s fucking?”
“Apparently nobody.”
“Then what are you talking about?”
Kellan sighed as if my questions were irritating. “You always say you’re fucking this girl or you’ve already fucked that one or you plan to fuck the next one.”
“Jesus Christ.” I was indignant. “You make me sound like a heartless man whore.”
“Nah, you’ve got plenty of heart, D. But you don’t have sex. Not even at the times you have a semi-regular girlfriend. You fuck.”
This was really getting boring. “When was the last time you had a real girlfriend, genius?”
He slammed his hand down on the counter. “I knew it.”
I rolled my eyes. “You know nothing.”
“I know you’re different with Paige. You’re into her in a way I’ve never seen you into anyone else.”
Sometimes I hated how clearly Kellan could read me. “You waiting for me to deny it?”
He laughed. “I don’t give a rat’s ass if you deny it.”
“And I don’t know why you’re acting like you figured this shit out all by yourself. I already freaking told you I liked her.”
“You did.” His teasing tone was gone. “Look, all joking aside I think this is a good thing. You and her.”
“Glad you approve,” I said.
“Everyone approves.”
“Who’s everyone?”
“The family. Mom and Dad cornered me when everyone else was still congratulating Thomas. They asked questions.”
“What kind of questions?”
“Intrusive ones. They’re Mom and Dad, after all. Mom is especially taken with Paige and Mom isn’t exactly easy to please.” He hesitated and I knew he was going to bring up something I wouldn’t want to hear. “Dad also wanted to know if you’ve been going to meetings. I said I didn’t know but he wasn’t fooled. Anyway I know you haven’t been to a meeting all week.”
Today while I was at work Emily Datsun had called and lef
t a voicemail, saying she just wanted to check in. She was a very thorough sponsor. Usually I called her back right away but the garage had been hectic and after I got off work I came home, showered and then had to deal with Kellan’s harassment. Paige would be done with her shift at the pizzeria any minute and I planned to go meet her wherever she wanted. So now wasn’t a good time either.
“Not everyone needs the meetings,” I told Kellan and he looked like he wanted to argue. He wouldn’t have been wrong to argue. I’d messed up my sobriety too many times to claim to be an expert. But Kel must have figured there was nothing to be gained because he was willing to give the subject a rest for now.
“All right, D,” he said quietly.
“Oh hey.” I remembered something. “So what was that Benedict troll doing at the game last night? I couldn’t ask with Paige around but you seemed kind of pissed.”
“Ah.” He waved a hand. “It was nothing. His brother’s the shortstop so that’s why he was there.”
“What did he want with you?”
“He was just being a dickhead.”
I pressed the issue. “He trash talked Paige, didn’t he?”
Kellan looked uneasy. “Kind of. He saw you guys together and ambushed me at the concession stand. First he made a crack about how nice it was to see you walking around free instead of behind a cage in an orange jumpsuit, then he said something like, ‘Don’t tell me Derek’s hooking up with Paige Morrissey.’ I told him to take a hike. That’s all.”
That wasn’t all. Their conversation had definitely lasted more than a few sentences. “Then what?”
Now my brother was really stalling. “Nothing. He made another shitty comment, cementing his reputation as an eternal asshole.”
“What was the comment?”
Kel exhaled loudly and ran his hand through his hair but he still told me. “He laughed and said, ‘Hope Derek likes the taste of vomit.’”
“What the fuck does that mean?” I shot back but a weird feeling rocked my gut. I understood what Todd meant.
“Who knows,” Kel said but from the look on his face, he understood as well.
My phone pinged with a text message and Kel probably got a kick out of the way I grabbed it to see if it was a message from Paige. I didn’t care if he was amused. She was finished at work and wanted to go home to change before we figured out what to do next. I texted back that I was leaving now and would probably beat her to the house.
“You gone for the night?” Kellan asked as I pocketed my phone.
“Probably. Sure as hell not going to stay here again and deal with a perverted audience.”
Kellan flipped me off.
I pulled up to Paige’s house just as she swung into the driveway.
“Hey beautiful,” I called, already cutting across the front yard as she climbed out of the car. She was wearing an Esposito’s polo shirt. Her hair was in a loose ponytail and there was flour on her jeans. In other words, she looked fantastic.
“I missed you,” she said, ready to jump into my arms, her dazzling smile lighting up the spring evening.
My mouth was already on hers when I picked her up. She smelled like pizza and giggled when my lips tickled her neck.
“So what are we doing tonight?” she asked, smiling up at me. “Let’s go out somewhere.”
I slid my finger under the collar of her shirt. “Where do you want to go?”
She thought about it. “Dick and Rooster’s?”
Dick and Rooster’s was a few miles away from the university. A cross between a sports bar and a family arcade, it was a place that was always full of people and music and energy. At any given moment about a third of the customers would be walking around with drinks in their hands. I wanted to go. More than that, I wanted to be out doing something with my girl that everyone else our age was doing. We’d have fun. I also knew I wouldn’t be able to stop eyeing the heavily stocked bar instead of giving Paige my full attention.
I pulled her closer, ran my hands over her body. “Would it be selfish to say I’d rather stay here and have you all to myself?”
She slipped her arms around my neck and kissed my jawline, inching toward my chin. “We can stay here,” she whispered.
I pulled her tucked shirt out of her pants and slid my hand under the hem, feeling her tremble as I touched her skin. “You can show me Godfather, The Sequel.”
“It’s The Godfather, Part II.”
“Same thing.”
She was in the mood to be dirty. “I can show you more than that.” Her hand moved down to play with my zipper.
I was having all kinds of thoughts about where this ought to go next but I wanted to get something straight first. I pulled back a few inches and stared down at her, sliding a knuckle along her smooth cheek. “If you really want to go out we can go out.”
“No.” She shook her head. Her loose ponytail bounced. “You’ve already made me a better offer.”
I yanked the elastic band out of her hair, tangled my fingers up in the soft mass and kissed her hard. A soft moan escaped her throat as she leaned into the kiss. After a few minutes of making out in the yard, when we were both practically panting with the need to go somewhere else and keep this going, she stopped suddenly and looked up at me with a searching expression.
“What?” I relaxed my arms around her waist.
She sucked in her lips like she was thinking. “I kind of want to tell you something but I don’t want it to come out wrong.”
“You can tell me anything.”
There was that smile again. “I thought about you all day, Derek.”
I could feel myself grinning like an idiot. Who knew there could be such magic in a simple sentence from a girl you really liked?
“I thought about you all day too,” I said and her smile got even brighter, which I didn’t know was possible.
Paige took my hand. “Want to go inside?”
I pressed my lips to her palm and led her toward the front door. “Absolutely.”
Chapter Fifteen
Paige
Three days after I met Cami Tremaine I gave her a call. She was happy to hear from me and said I should write down as much information as possible and send it her way.
Derek had left hours earlier because he needed to go home and get ready for work. We’d spent every night together this week and he was sexy and playful and tender every time. We could talk for hours. Derek was candid about his mistakes, telling me about the painful months in prison, his sobriety stumbles, his regrets. I felt comfortable being open with him too, for the most part. I told him I was lonely, that I missed my grandparents, that I didn’t know if I could ever forgive my mother. I told him about my short-lived relationship attempts and how I’d never really found someone I connected with. He admitted to a long history of drunken hookups that meant little to him. I didn’t ask how often that had happened. I didn’t care. When I was in his arms I felt like there was no better place on earth.
But I couldn’t bring myself to tell him everything. I just couldn’t.
Once when I returned from the bathroom he was sitting up in bed and idly flipping through the television channels. He looked at me funny, like he wanted to say something. Instead he turned the TV off and patted the pillow so I’d lie down next to him then urged me remove my shirt before I snuggled against his chest in search of sleep.
Since my shift at Esposito’s wouldn’t start until after lunch I sat down in the living room with my laptop and typed out every detail that I could remember about my mother. Somewhere there might be notes or a report from the detective my grandfather had hired years ago but I had no idea where to search for it. I still hadn’t even cleaned out my grandparents’ bedroom. A few months after my grandfather’s death my uncle came over and boxed up some of his belongings but the rest of it was sitting untouched in the same place it had existed for years.
After two hours of distilling what I knew of my mother’s life into neat little paragraphs I felt raw, drained. I also re
alized that before I went down this road with reporters and investigations I owed someone a phone call. He’d probably find out anyway and I didn’t want him to be blindsided.
“Paige?” my uncle greeted me, alarm in his voice that was reasonable considering I never just called him to say hello. “What’s wrong?”
“Nothing’s wrong, Uncle Ryan.”
“Are you sure?”
“Yes. I’m fine, I promise.”
I’m fine. I’m fine. I’m fine.
I was always saying that. I wasn’t sure if it was ever true.
He exhaled, a sound of relief. “Glad to hear it. You ought to know your aunt tries to think up a new reason every day to go over to the house. I told her to leave you alone, that you needed some space.”
Anyone in their right mind would desire space from Aunt Maddie. “I appreciate that.”
“I figured you would.”
“Look.” I cleared my throat, stalling as I tried to choose my words. “I just wanted you to know that I’m talking to a reporter. She’s going to try to help me find out what happened to my mother.”
“I see.” He didn’t sound shocked, merely resigned. “You sure you want to do that?”
“I have to do it. I have to at least try to find an answer about why she never came back, why she couldn’t bother seeing her own child again, why she just didn’t care.” I was aware that the tone of my voice had changed, had become bitter.
My uncle heard it too. “Oh Paige, honey.” He paused. Perhaps he was also searching for the right words. “Sara was sick. She tried to get better but just couldn’t stick with the plan. If it makes any difference I do believe she loved you, in her way.”
A tear squeezed its way out of my eye and fell down my cheek. “But that wasn’t enough.”
“No. I guess it wasn’t.”
I took a deep breath. “I’m making notes for the reporter, everything I ever knew about where she went, the people she hung out with. Do you know anything else that might help?”
“Unfortunately I know as little about my sister as you do. Maybe even less. Where did you meet a reporter?”