Test (A Gentry Generations Story)

by Cora Brent

  I raised my head and stared for a long time at each of my brothers in turn.

  Kellan, who could win a lifetime achievement award for driving me nuts, yet had stuck to me like glue since the day he was born.

  Thomas, mature beyond his years, who hated any argument and was endlessly loyal.

  I couldn’t have asked to be born into a better family. And I’d let them down. All of them. I was still letting them down. The least I could do was try to explain why.

  “There’s something nobody tells you,” I started to say.

  They listened, waiting for me to continue.

  “Nobody lets you know that you that if you pick up the bottle even once you might be one of those people who can’t put it down again. They don’t tell you that you might be locked forever in a struggle that doesn’t end. Oh, you can get clean for a while. You can collect your sobriety chips and feel good about your accomplishment. But you have to live with the reality that you’ll be fighting the battle against your own impulses the very next day. And the day after that. And the day after that.”

  My throat felt thick. In another minute I’d be crying right along with everyone else in the room. Maybe that was a good thing, to cry. I gave into it, crying through my words.

  “I got drunk yesterday and I’d be lying if I swore that it was impossible for me get drunk tomorrow. But I’m not drunk today. And I’ll do everything I have to in order to keep winning that fight. I’m really sorry, boys. I’m so very sorry for everything I’ve put you through.”

  I was still crying when I felt their weight on the couch with me. They each placed a comforting hand on my back and waited for me to finish bawling my eyes out. This might not be a cool thing to do, sitting on the couch and weeping in front of my brothers. Then again, I’d learned a long time ago that being cool was definitely overrated.

  Kellan patted my back. “You can do this.”

  “We know you can,” Thomas added.

  They still had faith in me. After all the times I’d failed they still had faith I’d come through in the end.

  “You have to because we can’t spare you, Derek,” Kellan said in the soft voice he used only when he was saying something that really mattered. “There can’t be a family without you.”

  I circled an arm around each of their necks and hugged them hard. These were my boys. My brothers, my best friends, my staunchest allies. The bond we shared was indestructible. I wouldn’t let them down again.

  After all this outpouring of emotion we were all feeling a little depleted. Kel and Thomas decided to go out for some food and I asked them to bring me back a few burgers.

  My phone was in my hand and I debated calling Paige. Most of all I worried that I’d accidentally driven her away in a moment when she really needed me. Or maybe that wasn’t why she ran. Maybe what she really needed the most was some time to sort through the heavy issues she had going on without someone hovering over her. At any rate I couldn’t bear to just leave things as they were without letting her know she was on my mind. The text was short and to the point.

  I’m here when you want to talk.

  I deliberately said ‘when’ not ‘if’ because I was trying to be optimistic. What Paige and I had found was worth holding onto. I knew that without a doubt. I hoped she did too.

  I waited a few minutes in case Paige decided to respond right away but when she didn’t I took advantage of the temporarily empty apartment to make a call that was belated but completely necessary.

  Emily Datsun answered right away. She was pleased to hear from me.

  “I should have called you back sooner,” I said, guiltily thinking of the times over the last few weeks when I’d blown off her messages. “Listen, Emily, I screwed up. This has to be the last time.” I exhaled, thinking about all the tears that had been shed in the last twenty four hours, most of them belonging to the people I loved the most. “I need to come up with a better plan and stick with it. I know I’ve been shitty about answering your calls but I’m still hoping you’ll help me figure this out.”

  She didn’t even hesitate for a second. “Of course I will, Derek.”

  She’d told me her story the first time we met. She was a drunk by age fifteen, a pill popper by age eighteen, and spent the next ten years in and out of rehab facilities until she saw her roommate overdose one night. She’d been clean for nearly two decades, had a nice husband and four happy kids. She understood everything.

  “I’m checking the website right now,” she said, “and there’s a meeting at eight a few miles from you at Hope Hall. I can meet you there and afterwards maybe we can grab a cup of coffee and talk about anything you want to talk about.”

  I breathed a sigh of relief. “That sounds good.”

  From the beginning I’d scoffed at the meetings, even the ones I grudgingly attended. And now I wasn’t kidding myself that going to a few meetings held all the answers but for once I was looking forward to the opportunity to say things out loud and listen to others who were fighting the same fight.

  This couldn’t be another false start where I was just biding my time between screw ups.

  This time I needed to make it stick because enough was enough. I kept failing every important test. And I was running out of chances to start over.

  Chapter Twenty-Three

  Paige

  Last night before I fell asleep I wondered if I’d feel strange when I woke up alone. In such a short time I’d gotten so used to sleeping with Derek that it seemed odd to have the bed to myself.

  To my surprise, I slept just fine.

  After the turbulent confrontation with Derek yesterday I’d run straight back to Sam and Ric. As I sat on the couch and watched them exchange worried glances I realized I was being unfair, coming here and once more crying in their midst. They were my best friends and they loved me as much as I loved them but I couldn’t lean on them indefinitely. So when they tried to get me to stay over again I shook my head and said I’d rather just hang out at home. Sam asked me if I wanted them to hide Derek’s gift away for now but no, I didn’t want that. I took it with me. When I got home I set it on top of my dresser. It was turquoise, a bright spot of color in my bland little room. When he gave it to me I’d felt amazed over how well he understood me.

  Little did I know that all along he’d understood more about me than I wanted him to.

  “You make yourself sick.”

  Every time I did it I knew it was fucked up, a self-destructive kind of echo of the things my mother did to herself. Back when I was in therapy I’d learned it was about exercising control more than anything else. There were a lot of things I couldn’t control. But my mother’s abandonment was the one I never got over.

  With all of that noise in my head about my past and Derek’s past and the things we’d said to each other, I expected to endure a fitful night staring at the ceiling. That didn’t happen though. I was fine here on my own, in my house. I did keep my phone nearby, not because I was awaiting a call but because before I went to bed it had made me feel better to stare at Derek’s text.

  I’m here when you want to talk.

  Yes. I did want to talk to him. Very badly. Yesterday everything between us had felt so painful and damaged I couldn’t help but run away. Now I regretted that, running from him. If Derek wasn’t ready to give up then neither was I. Yet I still realized that wouldn’t be enough. We both were suffering through our own internal fights, struggling through our private tests. And we had to win them independently before we’d be any good for each other.

  I was browsing on my phone and considering whether I ought to invite him to breakfast when I saw an email come through. It was the reporter from Los Angeles, Dana Despain. She was here in town a day early and wanted to know if I could meet her for lunch today.

  Somehow I’d shoved the whole looming reporter summit to the back of my mind since Friday night. I wasn’t expecting to deal with this for at least a few days and suddenly I didn’t want to. It was too much to confront a
ll at once and I could already feel the agitation growing as my mind searched for a way to handle it all.

  I emailed her back, confirming the time and place. Then I set the phone down and pulled my sheets up to my chin. I hadn’t washed them since Derek last slept here and the vaguely spicy scent of his aftershave was still detectable.

  As much as I wanted to be strong enough to do this alone today I wasn’t sure I could. Of course there were people I could call. Sam and Ric would have come with me to meet Dana if I asked. Derek would have been here in a heartbeat. He’d already offered and I knew despite everything that offer hadn’t changed.

  However I didn’t call Sam or Ric or Derek after all.

  I decided to call the only person I could think of who would understand what this meeting might mean, the person who would truly grieve with me if the necessity arose.

  I wasn’t sure he’d agree to be a part of it. Uncle Ryan had spent years avoiding any mention of his sister. For the first time I found myself really giving that some thought. I’d never know how it felt to have a sibling but I conjured up images of Derek with his brothers. I thought about how Sam and Ric were together. I remembered Julianne’s mournful voice when she recalled the untimely death of her sister.

  Sara was Ryan’s little sister, his only sibling. From the way my grandmother always talked, he adored her. So the pain of watching her ruin herself again and again until she vanished for good must have been agonizing for him. So agonizing he could hardly bear to remember her.

  To my surprise he didn’t turn down my request.

  “What time should I be there?” he asked. “I can come pick you up first if you want to drive over together.”

  I tried to think of a diplomatic way to ask him if Aunt Maddie could be left at home. “Are you coming alone?”

  He got my meaning. I thought I heard him chuckle. “Maddie’s got some charity rummage sale thing she’s doing all day. I’ll be alone.”

  “Can you be here at noon?”

  “Count on it.”

  The house felt gloomy so I opened up all the curtains and blinds. The addition of sunshine gave every room an instant makeover. I scrambled a few eggs in the kitchen and even though my stomach was all kinds of uneasy this morning I cleaned my plate and kept it down. That might be an insignificant victory by anyone’s standards but it was something, especially on a day like today when my nerves were all over the place.

  Derek’s red roses were still on the table where I’d placed them on my birthday. I leaned over and sniffed the sweet petals, touched their velvet softness. I missed him.

  After I showered I was at a loss over what to wear to a meeting with a reporter so ultimately I decided on the sundress I’d worn to Thomas’s baseball game. I smoothed my hand over the skirt and looked at my reflection in the bathroom mirror, remembering how I’d felt when Derek’s eyes were on me. I wondered what he was doing right now.

  But since the wheels had been set in motion with this Dana Despain meeting I couldn’t really focus on anything else. And Derek deserved my full attention the next time we spoke. We’d said some excruciating things yesterday and nothing could be remedied in a two minute conversation.

  Uncle Ryan was right on time. He chose to ring the bell even though he owned a key and technically had the right to come and go as he pleased.

  “Hello Paige,” he said, sounding stiff and formal as he walked into the foyer. We didn’t hug because that just wasn’t something we did. But I noticed he seemed nervous, holding onto his keys, glancing around like he expected someone to pop out from behind the couch.

  “Are you okay?” I asked him because now his eyes were fixed on the wall where all the family photos hung. I tried to recall the last time we were in the same place alone together and nothing came to mind. When my grandparents were alive they were always around. And then there was Aunt Maddie of course, an inevitable appendage who commandeered the tone of any room.

  “I guess we should leave,” he said, not really answering the question.

  I nodded. “I guess we should.”

  He looked at me directly now, something it always seemed to me that he rarely did, although that could have just been my imagination. “Are you going to be okay with this, Paige? No matter what the eventual outcome is?”

  I knew the chances were high nothing would come of this meeting. I also knew that anything we discovered about my mother at this point was unlikely to be good news. Yet I could make peace with that, no matter what. I hoped my uncle could too.

  “I’ll be okay,” I told him, grabbing my purse and taking a deep breath.

  My uncle was still watching me. A slight smile tilted his lips. “Sometimes you remind me of her.”

  He’d never said that before. No one had. “I remind you of Sara?”

  “Yes. You remind me of how she was before. Before the drugs did what they did. Before she…left us.”

  I swallowed, the rare emotion in his voice invoking the threat of tears. I wasn’t lucky like Derek, who had infinite close relatives to choose from. Uncle Ryan was my family. And my cousin Jonathon. And even Aunt Maddie. I should make more of an effort to be closer to them.

  “Thank you for coming with me,” I said. “It really does mean a lot.”

  He nodded and ran a hand through his thinning hair. “I should have been around more for you. After my parents died I kept my distance and left you on your own. I’m sorry for that.”

  “I’ve been okay on my own,” I assured him. “Anyway you’re here now.”

  He opened the door. “Are we ready?”

  “Yes.” I stepped over the threshold. “We’re ready.”

  Chapter Twenty-Four

  Derek

  This was the last official day of Thomas’s break so after we lifted together at the gym for an hour I drove him back to the old homestead while Kellan went to the library. Thomas was surprised when I told him a guy at the garage had given me a lead on an old Chevy Malibu that I could pick up for peanuts. I was guessing that I could have the car up and running and in Thomas’s hands before his graduation day.

  “You don’t have to do that,” he said, sounding a little bashful, but I caught the way he grinned as he looked out the window.

  I reached across the seat and gave him a playful shove. “You can’t very well take Mom’s minivan with you to college.”

  “Thanks,” he said quietly. Then he seemed like he wanted to say something else but was reluctant.

  “What’s up?” I prodded.

  “Have you heard from Paige?” he asked.

  “No.” I’d been trying not to think about that. This morning I’d knocked on the door of Samantha and Erica’s apartment. I thought there was a better than even chance they’d throw something at my head and slam the door but they didn’t. They listened to my apology for Friday night and while I knew I’d already damaged whatever credibility I’d managed to accrue I hoped they thought my apology was sincere. I hadn’t asked where Paige was and they hadn’t volunteered to tell me. Paige needed to come back to me in her own time. I couldn’t force the issue.

  “She’ll call you,” Thomas said and I wanted to ask him how he knew that but the question would have sounded kind of pathetic so I didn’t. Thomas offered an explanation anyway.

  “She loves you, Derek. Anyone can see that.”

  Paige had never said that but Thomas was the most rational person I knew so if he was so confident then maybe it was true. The last few weeks had been an intense whirlwind but love was never a word either of us had used.

  My annoyingly perceptive kid brother wouldn’t let this go. “You love her too, don’t you?”

  “Some people might say it’s a little too soon to figure that out,” I said, opting for a diplomatic approach.

  Thomas scoffed. “What the hell do they know?”

  “Right,” I grinned. “What the hell do they know?”

  Thomas laughed.

  My mother was in the kitchen frowning at her work laptop when we walk
ed in. She jumped up and hugged us, carrying on about how Thomas, her baby, was finally home, as if he’d been gone on a Navy deployment for two years. I didn’t know what my folks would do when Thomas went to college in a few months. He was staying local but planned to move closer to campus so Chase and Stephanie Gentry were facing an empty nest for the first time in twenty-two years. Maybe I ought to get them a dog.

  My mother also made a big deal about the scar that remained on my arm now that the stitches were out. I’d already kind of forgotten about it.

  “Is Dad around?” I asked her. Thomas had already disappeared with his duffel bag.

  My mom shuffled some of her work papers that were scattered around the kitchen table. “He likes to sit at your old desk when he’s grading papers. Here,” she said, grabbing a few sodas from the fridge and pressing them into my hands. “He’s probably ready for a caffeine rush.”

  I carried the sodas down the hall of the house I’d grown up in, the place I would always think of as home no matter how old I got. The bedroom I’d once shared with Kellan was all the way at the end of the hall. My father was hunched over my old desk with a stack of papers and muttering to himself. I stood in the doorway for a second and watched him.

  “Who thought Abraham Lincoln was born in 1980?” I asked.

  He turned around and grinned at me. “Kid in my freshman class. Pretty sure he’s testing me.”

  “Yeah, kids will do that.”