Perfectly Hopeless

by Hood, Holly

  They stopped right outside the door of the family waiting room. Henri’s Aunt Janet dabbed her eyes and stood. She put on her best smile and greeted Maven, but her voice was tense and marked with sadness.

  “Maven, nice to see you.” She reached out and gave her arm a squeeze. “Henri will be happy that you’re here.”

  Maven offered a smile nothing more. She didn’t know how to respond to that. Flynn took hold of her elbow before turning them both to the hallway so their plan could get underway.

  “Maven is going to try and knock some sense into Henri.” Flynn informed his mother.

  Maven glanced at the rest of Henri’s family. Sandra was asleep with her a hospital blanket draped over the greater part of her body. April busily read a magazine, gnawing at her nails. And Henri’s parents sat on separate sides of the small room lost in their own kind of darkness.

  Janet’s tight squeeze as she wrapped her arms around Maven shook her back into reality. “No matter what happens I want to say thank you for trying, Maven. If anyone could convince Henri it would be you. You mean a lot to him.” She smoothed her hair with the back of her hand and watched Flynn lead her down the long hallway to Henri’s room.

  She knew if he didn’t agree there was nothing they could do about it when his heart failed. They would have to say goodbye. And it was with such sadness she wasn’t sure if she could endure it. To say goodbye to her nephew, who was more like her own son. The kid that used to race around her house as a child shooting nerf guns with Flynn, the kid that made her a birthday card every year. Who wished her happy mother’s day before his mother most years. She didn’t know how to do it.

  She remembered the night Henri came to stay with them. He was angry. And depressed. He wanted to run as far away from his old life as he possibly could get. He hated what he did to his family more than the illness. He hated disappointing all of them. That night they sat on the porch talking about all the reasons why he was there with them and how no matter what he still meant the world to them. She promised him she would love him until she was physically unable to anymore and then after when all she could do was hold his photograph.

  Henri stared out the window to far away to see below. But he could see the white clouds and the smooth blue of the sky. Occasionally a fleck of black shot past the window—birds. He was already feeling claustrophobic pinned in the small hospital room with all the beeping devices and sterile smelling air.

  And then he saw her. Right before he shut his eyes for the millionth time she came into view. Her blonde hair inciting his heart, she rounded the doorway shoving a strand of hair behind one ear. Hesitating in coming all the way into the room, Flynn touched her back, letting her know it was okay.

  Maven felt the rush of adrenaline as she finally laid eyes on Henri again. Even though it hadn’t been that long since the last time she did it felt like forever. She studied him, there wasn’t but a cut near his hairline, but he wore quite a lot of scrapes on various parts of his body.

  Flynn backed out of the room, closing the door to give them some time alone.

  Maven stepped forward, taking slow steps closer and closer to the side of his bed. Her hands gripping one another in angst, she swallowed down the painful ache in her throat and took Henri’s hand. “Hi.”

  Henri placed his other hand over hers sandwiching hers beneath both of his. “Just the face I wanted to look at while I’m stuck up here.” He smirked, doing his best to make things normal.

  “You scared us,” she told him.

  “I’m sorry.”

  “What happened?” Henri shifted, moving over on the bed and offering her the spot next to him. He tucked the colorful wires closer to his body. Maven eased into the bed, worried she would pull something loose.

  “I had an amazing night with a really beautiful girl and then a horrible walk home.” He lifted his arm, Maven leaned in carefully. Henri pulled her closer to prove he wasn’t going to break.

  “Would you tell me if Jake did this to you?” Maven asked.

  “I don’t want to talk about Jake or donor list or anything.” He pressed his lips against her shoulder. “You know I was sitting here thinking, I never showed you that painting I made of you.”

  Maven nodded.

  “I meant to give it to you. I want you to have it.”

  She closed her eyes, cringing at the way he was talking. As if this was no big deal and something that wouldn’t matter tomorrow. “Then when you get home you can give it to me.”

  Henri breathed in the soft perfume on her white shirt. He touched her hair, taking pleasure in the smooth feel against his fingertips.

  He could feel her body trembling all of a sudden, she brought her hand up wiping at the many tears he was sure were falling. All he could do was stare at her sandals next to his feet resting beneath the hospital sheet. He told himself to console her. And robotically he squeezed her tighter, his chest stiff and holding back the emotions that wanted to explode from the inside. It hurt more to know he was hurting her then the thought of what was to come.

  “I didn’t want this to happen. I didn’t want you to have to go through this with me. I’m sorry,” he said, her sobs growing louder, she pushed her face into his neck crying harder. She held onto him.

  “And I don’t want you to go through this without me. I wouldn’t want you to be alone at a time like this.”

  “I have a family. You have a whole life ahead of you.” Henri argued. “I can’t imagine what it would feel like, I never lost anyone close to me, but I’m sure it’s not something you ever get over.”

  “I’d never get over you regardless of what happened to you. You’re not something I want to get over no matter where I am in my life.” She warily wiped at her eyes.

  “I feel that way about you too. You just say it more eloquently then I do.” He laughed and the machine beside him beeped.

  “Henri I want you to fight.” Maven blurted. It was now or never. “This can’t be it for you. Life is not that spiteful. You have a chance to get better if you just go on the donor list.” She sat up.

  Henri plucked an imaginary piece of lint from the cotton sheet draped over his lap. He kept his eyes away from Maven. “No.”

  Maven shook her head in disbelief. “Not even for me?” She knew it sounded selfish, but she didn’t have a lot to work with.

  “I refuse to be selfish, to hang around for a couple more years at the most. A couple more years of life until the next medical issue rears its ugly head and attacks me from a different side.” He sighed. “I’ve been through all of this before. They all know the same thing I do. There is no guarantee that I’ll ever live a normal life.”

  “A couple more years are better than none at all.” Maven insisted.

  Henri shook his head. “A couple more years before you all have to go through this again. I don’t want to postpone my family’s misery anymore. I’ve seen what it’s done to them. I see what it’s doing to you.”

  Maven’s mouth hung open. She tried to think of something else to say.

  “So, then what?” She raised her hands palms to the heavens. “Do you think grief and sadness makes anything better?”

  “I think time heals. And I think it’s what’s for the best.” He looked up. Maven turned away. “My parents have never been the same since they found out I was going to die. Death is so depressing when you’re waiting for it.” Death wasn’t so bad once it hit and finally became a reality; he only thought that because dying and dead was extremely different in his eyes. Dying was misery. Death was that period at the end of the sentence. They all could find a way to move on once it was over.

  Maven drew up her shoulders as more tears escaped. She stared at the door feeling like an absolute failure. But something inside, something deep inside told her some things were just not meant to be. Some things didn’t work out the way anyone wanted them to. And maybe it wasn’t right to her or Henri’s family that he was giving up, but to Henri it was right, it was what he wanted.

>   She turned around. “I learned so much from you,” she said, climbing back into the bed beside Henri. Henri smiled, relief washing over him that she was letting it be.

  “Like what?” He stroked her hair.

  “How to be happy. That no matter how miserable I felt this summer I could just throw that all aside and laugh, with you.” She looked at him, gently touching his face. “Thanks for making me feel better.”

  “It was a pleasure.” He closed his eyes. She softly pressed her lips against his.

  “It’s going to suck when the summer ends,” Maven said with a sigh. She rested her head against Henri’s pillow, her hair touching the side of his head. She took his hand in hers, lacing her fingers with his.

  “College. Yuck.” Henri joked.

  They talked like this for twenty minutes, tucking the horrible into a deep dark hole, pretending to be just Henri and Maven. Two young kids that met one summer and developed feelings for one another that went beyond anything they ever imagined. They had an understanding. She had hope when he had none. And he had that special something that made her smile and laugh underneath the willows.

  It was so… “Perfectly hopeless,” Maven said out loud. Henri opened his eyes, he was nearly asleep. “Meeting you was perfect, even if I could only have you for a short amount of time.”

  “Perfectly hopeless.” Henri agreed.

  Henri closed his eyes, Maven settled in beside him. The nurse coming in to check on them turned and walked away leaving Henri to his moment.

  “Tell me about college,” Henri whispered, drifting in and out of dreams as Maven rattled on about school and all the things she didn’t look forward to. He crossed in and out of reality, slipping into moments of pure imagination and back into the hospital room. His heart speeding up and slowing down, he wasn’t sure if it was all in his head or reality.

  “Promise me you’ll be happy. Always be happy because I couldn’t stand the thought of you any other way. Don’t ever go back to the way you were that day at the yogurt hut.” He didn’t know it, but he gasped, and it scared Maven to death, but she stayed where she was, secretly grabbing the call button and pressing it. She stroked Henri’s hair, his body trembling with each breath.

  “I promise, Henri.” She moved out of the way for the hospital staff that was on all sides of the bed now. She gripped the end of the bed, watching them make Henri more comfortable. She wished she could look into his eyes just one more time.

  The nurse and staff left promising to get the rest of Henri’s family.

  Maven didn’t admit to Henri that the thought of him no longer being there made her sadder than any time before in her life. “I don’t want to do this. I don’t want to say goodbye to you,” she said under her breath, certain Henri wasn’t able to hear anything she was saying.

  Henri listened to the soft hum in his ears, he felt light. He opened his eyes staring at himself lying on the hospital bed. He turned in a circle, a part of him stunned at all that was right before his eyes. He looked to the right and saw Maven standing at the end of his bed. She looked sad.

  As he listened to her he realized she was sad—sadder then he imagined. This was enough to bring him back into his body. Maven studied his expression coming around the bed. “Are you okay?”

  “Don’t be upset about this. I know it’s hard, but you have to get over it and move on with your life.” Maven pursed her lips and gave a small nod. “I’m sorry, Maven.”

  “Don’t be sorry,” Flynn interrupted. “Not your fault you have a shitty heart.” Flynn smirked. The rest of his family gathered around the bed. Maven looked at all of them. Nobody was crying everybody was trying their hardest to keep it together for Henri. Henri’s mother kissed his forehead.

  “I love you, Henri.” She backed away, letting Doug step into view.

  “Love you, bud.” He patted Henri’s arm before taking off out of the room.

  Aunt Janet stepped up along with his uncle. They each grabbed his hands. “You always were stubborn, even at a time like this.” His uncle joked. He cleared his throat extra loud and shook the emotions away.

  “You remember all those talks we had kiddo. And you remember that I love you. We all do.” She kissed his forehead extra long.

  Henri smiled at everyone, pleased to see his entire family and Maven around him in a time like this. He wasn’t sure if it was the end, but there was an eerie presence in the room. “Don’t forget about Maven.” He looked at Flynn this time. “Don’t let her be miserable, any of you.”

  Sandra and April snuck past their brother and kissed Henri on the cheek. They whispered I love you in his ear and stood beside their dad trying to hold it together.

  “I promise I won’t let her be miserable. Although I might make her miserable if I come around to much.” Flynn grinned, looking over at Maven. She smiled.

  “He’s my cousin and best friend. I swear he’s good company. Don’t be afraid to call him if you’re ever down. He owes it to me, take advantage.” Everyone laughed.

  Flynn looked around the room, not sure what was to happen next. “Why don’t we leave these two alone? We said our goodbyes. Besides, I don’t think he’s going anywhere just yet he still is handing out orders.”

  Everyone cleared the room. Maven pushed the door shut and climbed up in bed again. Henri pulled her close. He closed his eyes, breathing in her hair. “It’s safe to say that I’m in love with you.”

  “I love you too, Henri.” He pulled her hand to his chest, holding it there.

  “I keep waiting for it to stop. And then I think how stupid that is because I would never know it.” He sighed.

  Maven concentrated on the crashing of his heart into her palm, and slowly it lessened and lessened until she fell asleep. She woke every few minutes to be sure he was still next to her, his heart beating. And then she would close her eyes again.

  Finally Henri’s heartbeats were nothing but a memory—for her or anyone.

  Henri would forever be a memory, a great memory that she would carry with her forever.

  Fall

  The crisp leaves raced across the pavement of the university. A car pulled into a parking spot coming to an effortless stop. Maven immerged from the back of her parent’s minivan, along with Nick, Maggie and her mother.

  Her dad surveyed her new college campus. Nick unhitched the uhaul’s door, sending it above his head with a rattle. “This place isn’t bad.” He looked around at all the young girl’s carrying up boxes of their own for the new school year.

  Maven rolled her eyes. “Only you, Nick.” She helped her mother carry the light boxes up the long path to the dorms.

  Maggie followed behind. She caught up with Maven pulling at the corner of a frame in the box in her sister’s hand. “What is this?”

  “A picture,” Maven insisted. “One that Henri painted. I am hanging it in my dorm.”

  “It’s nice.” Maggie drifted back behind her sister, watching her happily head inside the dorm. Something she hadn’t seen in a long time since Jake Summit dumped her. She never thought something awful like losing someone you cared about would change things so. But they did, Maven was a new person. Henri fixed her.

  ***

  Flynn dropped down by the water, pulling out his cell phone.

  How’s college? Sorority Freak. He smirked, resting the phone on his knee.

  He received a reply almost instantly.

  Nice one. It’s great, just about settled in my room.

  He looked at the water, everything motionless. A pale leaf fluttered from above and brush against his nose. He batted it away.

  Will you be around this summer?

  Maven pulled the framed painting from the box. She took a seat at her desk, running her fingers across the glass. She smiled at the memory.

  Of course. Portwood is a tradition.

  Another leaf sailed eerily from the tree brushing into Flynn’s nose. He sighed, irritated, and stood up, surveying the tree. There were no more leaves left to bother hi
m. With that in the back of his mind he sat back down, resting his back against the trunk.

  We will have to get together and share some Henri moments. I miss him. He replied, letting out another sigh.

  Suddenly a rush of leaves swirled around him falling on his head. Flynn jumped.

  “I don’t believe in ghost, Henri,” Flynn said dryly, stuffing the phone into his pocket. “You got to do better than that if you want to convince me of such a thing.”