Here's Looking For You, Grim (Tales From a Second-Hand Wand Shop Book 3)

by Robert P. Wills

  “Ith that an Orc in a fez?”

  “That it is.” Chéri said as the pair moved to the front desk.

  “How may I help you?” Asked the Front Desk Clerk.

  “We need a room.”

  “A room. How quaint.”

  Chéri looked at Liverioso, “I swear, before we leave this town, I’m going on a killing streak so big that even the King is going to hear about.”

  “I’ll help.”

  “So you need a room before your killing streak, then?”

  “Well,” began Liverioso, “we could actually use two adjoining doors.”

  The Front Desk Clerk winked slyly. “You don’t have to keep up appearances around here, Sir.”

  “No, no! Thath’s not it. We’re just friends.”

  “Right, right. Friends. Quite right Sir. My mistake.”

  “But really!”

  “Forget it, Liv.” Chéri. “Just give us a couple of rooms.”

  “Of course Miss...” He dipped a quill into an inkwell. He held it above the registration book, poised to write.”

  “Chéri Belladonna.”

  “Chéri.... Bella ... Donna,” said the Front Desk Clerk as he wrote. He re-dipped his quill. “Sir?” He raised an eyebrow.

  “The Mythterious Liverioso”. Liverioso puffed up his chest. “I’m an Offithial Enforth...

  “Myth... Terryous.... Liveri... Oso... Comma... The,” said the Front Desk Clerk. “So... Belladonna and Liverioso. Right.”

  “Now lithen here!”

  “It’s fine, Sir. No need to explain.” He leaned forward over the counter to get a good look at Chéri- the counter came up almost to her shoulders. “Nothing to explain at all,” he said as his eyes traveled all over the Gnomess. “No, Sir.”

  “Bub, you’re living on borrowed time.”

  “Oh. There’ll be one more in the room,” said Liverioso. “The Athtounding Semfeld.”

  The Front Desk Clerk now raised both eyebrows. “Oh, well. Now it’s interesting.” He leaned over the counter again to run his eyes over Chéri again. “Very interesting indeed.”

  Chéri reached up and grabbed the man by the collar. “I’m warning you for the last time.” She pulled him closer so that his feet came off the floor. “The last time.” She let go of the man and he slithered back to the other side of the counter.

  “Well then,” he said nonplussed. “Two adjoining rooms. Three folks. That’ll be a silver a day for half board.” He looked at Liverioso. “How long of a stay?”

  Liverioso glanced at Chéri. “What do we need, do you think? Five days for Liverioso to be fit to travel?”

  Chéri nodded. “That’s what the doctor said. Five days should do it.”

  The Front Desk Clerk was still looking at Liverioso.

  “Five days should do it.”

  The Clerk wrote something else in the guest book. “Fine, fine.” He flattened a hand and slapped it on his lips, making a popping sound. “Lang!”

  The Orc shuddered as if he had just woken up. Even though he was standing and staring straight ahead. He shuffled in a half-circle to face the Front Desk Clerk. “Uhhhh?” He said.

  “Take their bags to rooms three ten and three eleven.

  “Uhhhh.” Said Lang.

  “We don’t have any bags,” said Liverioso.

  “No extra clothes?” Eyebrows were raised once again.

  “Lighten up creep; we were robbed,” said Chéri. “Where’s the nearest clothier?”

  “Round the corner to the right, two blocks down.”

  Chéri nodded. “Let’s go to the guild, Liv, and get... Talk to them and then we’ll pick up some clothes and then come back here to relax for a while.”

  Liverioso nodded. “We’ll be back.”

  The Front Desk Clerk nodded. He slapped his hand on his lips twice. “Back, Lang! Back!”

  Lang shuffled around to face forward again. “Uhhhh,” he said.

  Liverioso noticed he wasn’t breathing. At all. “Creepy...” he muttered.

  The pair walked out into the street. “So the guild is back towards the doctor’s office then.”

  “Yeth,” agreed Liverioso. “Then we’ll get some clothes and get settled. Semfeld is going to need clothes too, I imagine.”

  Chéri nodded. “Let’s go and get your accounts set up.” He pointed in the direction they came. “Over by the water tower?”

  “Yeth. Thath’s where it happened. I mean, that’s where it is.” He started walking towards the water tower that was visible even from where they were standing.

  Chéri glanced at Liverioso. “What happened?”

  Liverioso shook his head. “You’ll laugh.”

  “Is it about a girl?”

  “Yeth.”

  Chéri stopped walking. Liverioso took only two steps more then turned to look at her.

  “If it’s about love, I will not laugh.”

  “Ok, Chéri. How about when we’re eating tonight?”

  “Promise?”

  “Sure,” he lied.

  She started walking again. “Now lets’ go see if we can get some money to actually eat with.”[23]

  As they passed the doctor’s office, Murray called out to them: “Hey, you with the face! I don’t want to see you in here for another sixteen hours! You two lost? What you looking for?”

  “Peace and quiet!” Chéri called up to him.

  “Hey! Leave the insults to the skull!” His jaw clattered as he laughed.

  Chéri shook her head. “This is one weird town.”

  The two rounded the corner. Liverioso pointed. “The Magithian’s Guild.”

  Chéri looked at the guild. It looked like a giant Magician’s hat. It stood almost thirty feet high and seemed to be about thirty feet across. “That is the most absurd thing I’ve ever seen. You people ever heard of subtle?”

  “Yeth. That’s that thing non-Magithian’s do.” Liverioso gave the standard Magician’s Guild answer.

  Standing at the front door of the guild -which was more a flap than anything else- was a large Golem. He had a matching-the-guild magician’s hat on his head and held a very large pike. He watched as passers-by walked past. Nodding at some, offering a greeting to others. Everyone tried to avoid making eye contact with the ten foot tall Golem in the magician’s hat.

  Chéri and Liverioso walked up to the Golem.

  “Good afternoon t’ya,” he offered in a deep, gravelly voice.

  “Good afternoon to you too, Grand Guardian of the Magithian’s Guild.”

  Due to that response, the Golem looked down at Liverioso. Even though he wasn’t dressed the part, it was obvious he was a member of the guild. Lisp notwithstanding. He straightened up some. “How may I help ya?”

  “We’re on a quest and I need to stop in to see the Grand Magician or The Second.” He paused for a moment. “Or The Third through Tenth.”

  It was required duty for the Grand Magician to remain in the guild to deal with guild issues. Being only one person, this was impossible, so a deputy ‘The Second’ was appointed to fill in when the Grand Magician wasn’t around. ‘The Second’, of course, didn’t want to spend all their time in the guild, so they would appoint ‘The Third’. In larger guilds, it was sometimes possible that the person dealing with daily duties was ‘The Tenth’.

  The Golem lifted its pike off the ground and gripped it with both hands, holding it across his chest menacingly. He looked as if he were ready to lop both their heads off with one swing.

  “Liv...”

  Liverioso waved a hand at her.

  The Golem glowered down at Liverioso. “What’s the password?”

  “What do you take me for? I know as well as you do that there IS no pathword!” He crossed his arms. “Now let me in your shambling pile of thrown together parts!”

  The Golem nodded as he returned his pike to one hand, and placed the base of it on the ground. “You may pass.”

  “Now just a grain of sand,” Chéri said. “Are you telling me
there isn’t a password to get into your guild?”

  Liverioso shook his head. “Of courth not. There thure is a password and I gave it.”

  “No, you said there wasn’t... That’s the stupidest password I’ve ever heard.”

  “Well, if someone doesn’t know the password and they try to guess something, then the Guardian of the Magician’s Guild deals with them....

  “Harshly,” interjected the Golem.

  “Harshly,” agreed Liverioso. “It’s only the ones in the know, that know the pathword is ‘what do you take me for. I know as well as you that there is no pathword’ and say it with the right amount of haughtiness to get it right.”

  “An’ the insult,” offered the Golem.

  Liverioso snapped his fingers. “Right, thorry about that. And you have to include an insult toward whatever massive beast is the guard.” He smiled up at the guard. “Love you guys.”

  “Yep.”

  Chéri shrugged. “Fine. Let’s get in there and get this settled.”

  Liverioso shook his head. “Only guild members can get in. You’ll have to wait out here.”

  “Wait out here?” Chéri gestured around. “Out in the street?”

  “Ya can wait with me, Missy,” said the Golem. “We can do riddles ‘til he comes back.”

  Chéri shrugged. “First a talking Skull...”

  “Murray,” said the Golem. “Wantin’ t’ take over th’ lands.”

  “... then a Zombie Orc bellhop....”

  “That’s Lang. Carries bags. ‘Bout it.”

  “... and now riddles with a Golem.”

  “That’s me. Grand Guard o’ th’ Magician’s Guild.”

  “This town is off its rocker.”

  The Golem grinned. “Ahh. The first riddle then. Ya walked into it. What’s a rocker got that I don’t got?”

  Chéri looked up at the Golem. “I have no idea.”

  “Ya gotta guess or playin’ Riddles is no fun.” He looked at Liverioso. “She okay?”

  Liverioso smiled, “Oh, She’s definitely okay.” He looked at Chéri. “I’ll be right back, Chéri.” With that, he turned and ducked under the flap.

  “So... What does a rocker have that you don’t...”

  The Golem smiled. “Yeah.”

  “Let’s see...”

  Chapter Forty-Six

  The Magician’s Guild- Nope. Not Helpful at All

  Liverioso exited the Magician’s Guild to hear the Golem say “That’d be because there’s a b in both, and an n in neither.”

  Chéri frowned. “Well, doesn’t that beat all.” She crossed her arms. “You’re really good at this.

  “Thanks.”

  Chéri unfolded her arms and clapped her hands once, then rubbed them greedily together. “So, we have a line of credit that will get us traveling clothes, pay for the doctor, pay for the inn, feed us in town, and get us an extra mount and supplies for the journey back!”

  Liverioso stared at Chéri. His eyes were red as if he has been crying. “No. No. No, No, and No.”

  “Ya missed one.”

  Liverioso looked up at the Golem. “No.”

  “Yeah, ya did.”

  A tear ran down Liverioso’s cheek. “I was adding in the one I missed.”

  The Golem nodded a massive head. “Then yer good.”

  “Wait a grain of sand,” said Chéri. “They wouldn’t give you anything?” She crossed her arms again. “And why not?”

  “We... Semfeld and I have been kicked out of the guild.”

  “What?” Chéri moved to Liverioso. “Why is that?”

  “Well, seems the word was we were out gallivanting with Pics instead of enforcing Magician Guild standards of conduct.” Another tear ran down his cheek. “And we’re late on our dues.”

  “That’s absurd. You were cast out into the desert by that stupid Gnome and have been working your way back the entire time!”

  “We’re really late on our dues.”

  “So what, you are out until you pay your dues?”

  Liverioso nodded. His lower lip was trembling.

  “It’s not been a month. How ...”

  “Six.”

  “Six months? Yer six months late on yer dues?” The Golem shook his head. “Not proper, that is.”

  “Well, we were having a hard time extorting people. We were hoping those Gnomes would be an easy fix.” Tears welled up in his eyes.

  “It’s fine, Liv. We’ll work something out. Then we’ll figure out how to get to Second Hand Sorcery and deal with those Gnomes once and for all.”

  “What? Th’ place across town? Not hard t’ get to."

  “What?”

  “Second Hand Sorc’ry. Sells used wands. Run by a couple of Gnomes.”

  “What?” Said Liverioso as he looked up.

  “You’re telling me that Second Hand Sorcery, run by a couple of Gnomes, that sells used wands is across town?” Asked Chéri

  “This a riddle?”

  “No.”

  “Where is this shoppe, exactly?” Tried Liverioso.

  “It’s over by th’ Gristmill.” The Golem pointed with a free hand down the street. “That way till the end of town. Next t’ the Gristmill, ‘course.”

  Chéri put her hand on Liverioso’s shoulder. “Let’s go. We’ll take care of this before Semfeld even wakes up. Those stinking Gnomes. First let’s go cancel our room then we’ll go there.”

  Liverioso nodded to the Golem. “Thanks for your service.”

  The Golem nodded back then resumed his rigid guard pose.

  The pair moved quickly towards the R&E or E&R Eating House and Hotel.

  They received “You again? It is a small world, after all! Isn’t it?” From Murray as they went by.

  The pair bounded the stairs to the R&E or E&R. Liverioso threw open the door and Chéri charged in. She almost ran into a large creature that was moving toward the door. Or maybe it was two large creatures. Possibly one.

  Chapter Forty-Seven

  Helpful People! Or Person. Maybe People?

  “Excuse me, Miss,” said the head on the left. “Didn’t see you coming in.” He moved out of her way.

  Liverioso stopped in the doorway and gaped.

  “Come on in, Sir. Do you have a reservation?” Asked the second head. The first head turned toward the Front Desk. “Got customers, Effron.” He snapped his fingers at the Front Desk Clerk.

  “They’re checked in already, Sirs,” he replied.

  “That’s what we’re here to talk about,” said Chéri to the head on the left. “You see, we checked in a little early and now we need to...”

  “You can check in any time you like,” offered the head on the left.

  “Uhmmm.,” said Liverioso. That was all that came to mind.

  “Well, Sirs,” Chéri pressed on, taking a cue from Effron. “Well, we were going to stay here, but you see, we’re suddenly a little short of funds.”

  Left and Right Head’s eyes got large.

  “But once we go deal with Grimbledung, we’ll be...”

  “Grimbledung?” Asked Left Head.

  “And Drimblerod? You know them?” Asked Right Head.

  “Well...” Chéri wasn’t sure how to answer. ‘Yes, we do and we’re planning to kill them’ was probably not a good response. Instead she went with; “Yes, we go way back, them and I... Us,” she corrected herself as she pointed between herself and Liverioso.

  “Well, any friend of Grimbledung is a friend of ours,” said Left Head. “I’m Runion,” said Runion. “And this is Earl.”

  “Runion and Earl?” Liverioso smiled. “So the sign...”

  “Runion and Earl or Earl and Runion. Depending on how you look at it,” said Earl. “So you going to sell them some used wands?”

  “No, Runion, actually we were going to talk about a different sort of business,” offered Chéri vaguely.

  “Well, let me tell you, those two bought so many wands from us, we were able to start this place,” he held h
is arms out wide. Or maybe they held their arms out wide. “So, we try to help out friends of theirs when we can. Right Earl?”

  “Right,” agreed Earl. He looked at Effron. “Comp their rooms and meals for however long their stay was.”

  “Five days, Sirs?” Asked Effron.

  “Comp it,” ordered Earl. Between the two, he had more the mind for business.

  “Well, I don’t know how we can thank you for that,” said Chéri. Since we’re going to kill those two.

  “Thankth very much,” said Liverioso. “Maybe we should go upstairs and talk about our business plan before we prethent it to the Gnomths.” He pointed up the stairs.

  Chéri looked at Liverioso. He pointed again up the stairs. This time with even more urgency. “OK, Liv. We can do that.” She turned to face Runion and Earl, “Thanks very much, Gentlemen. We really appreciate it.”

  “No trouble at all, Miss,” Runion smiled. Between the two, he had more the mind for carousing. “No trouble at all.”

  Liverioso moved to Chéri and put his hand on her elbow. “We’ll thee you later, Thirs,” he said as she waved with his free hand. With that, he pulled Chéri up the stairs.

  When they got to the first landing, Chéri pulled her arm out of his. “What are you doing?”

  “We’ve got a free place to stay. If we kill them now, we’re going to have to run for it and Semfeld ithn’t going to be in any condithion to do that.”

  Chéri thought for a moment. “We’re still going to need clothes.” She looked down at herself. “I’m a mess” She looked at him. “You’re not much better.”

  “Well, tonight we can go out and see what we can do about that. But for now, we thoud just take all the hospitality thothe two will give.”

  “I see Enforcers of the Magician’s Guild aren’t above taking handouts.”

  “Former Enforthers. Unemployed Enfothers. I’m not above pretty much anything.” He looked down the stairs. “Even stealing some clothes tonight.” He shrugged. “Maybe we can help in the kitchen.”

  “A Grand Master Assassin doing dishes?”

  “Well, if you can find a contract in the next day thath’s going to earn some therious money and not have uth running out of town with Themfeld in tow, then go do that.”