The Accidental Naturist

by Richard Schillig

  “The INF is the International Naturist Federation and the BN is British Naturism. By being a member of the organizations it shows that you are a bona fide naturist and support naturism. There are a few naturist sites that will only allow you in provided you are a member of one of these organizations. As it happens you can take out membership to the INF here. It will also give you a discount on many other naturist sites all around Europe, including this one,” said Claude.

  “What is the cost of the membership?” asked Jones trying to be polite.

  “€50.00 is the cost for one year’s membership. The membership card will give you a 10% discount from your pitch fees on this site,” said Claude.

  “In that case I had better take out a membership,” said Jones working out that cost of membership equated to a free nights stay. Claude got the appropriate paperwork and as he did thought it would be a few more Euros for his coffers. Personally he felt it was just one big rip off. It certainly did not give members value for money and very few, if any naturist sites ever asked to see a card, he certainly never asked to see one. “Do you have a passport photograph of yourself Monsieur Jones?”

  “No, I don’t.”

  “No problem I can take one and print it off,” said Claude getting out his camera, and before Jones could react had taken a picture of his face. Within a couple of minutes Claude had stuck the photo of Jones onto the new membership card, which he handed to him. “There you go; you are now a full member of the International Naturist Federation. So the total will be €55.50 please. The €5.50 extra is for the picture,” said Claude. Jones pulled out his wallet and paid for the membership.

  “So, Monsieur Jones how long will you be staying with us?”

  Jones could not answer the first part of the question, he had to hazard a guess and did think of saying two maybe three nights. However he was aware that everywhere was fully booked so he said fourteen nights. This way it would give him a chance to have a look around the area to see if could find somewhere else to stay with the knowledge that if he couldn’t find a place he had one, besides he had already booked for fourteen at this site.

  “What size tent do you have?”

  “I thought that I would be staying in one of your log cabins?”

  “Sadly the log cabins are fully booked and are normally booked a year in advance, sometimes two years in advance. The only thing that we have available are camping spaces, Weren't you told this at the time of booking?”

  “I suppose it's my fault as I just assumed that one automatically stayed in a log cabin. Ah, in that case I will need to have a tent, I take it that you can supply all of the equipment?” said Jones, now wishing that he had booked his holiday in Dartmoor.

  “Monsieur Jones, this is a campsite and people come here to camp. This means that they bring a campervan, caravan, trailer tent or tent to sleep in. I realise that is all new to you, but I cannot let you in unless you have the right equipment,” said Claude.

  “Do you hire camping equipment or not?” Asked Jones in a vain hope that he might not have to go off and find a camping shop.

  “No we do not. However there is a camping shop in Perpignan, one that sells all the equipment that you are likely to need. You will not need cooking equipment as we have a good restaurant that serves breakfast, lunch and dinner. There are also snacks available at other times. We have shower facilities with free hot water, and of course toilets. I will write down the address for you, and I will also phone them and tell them what you will need, and to expect you shortly.”

  “This is very kind of you,” replied Jones relieved that all was not lost.

  “Not all, I want you to come back,” said Claude as he got on the phone and spoke to the camping shop.

  With that Jones headed back to Perpignan to the camp shop Claude had told him about. Jones was definitely having a BJD, Bad Jones Day. On the way Jones looked at three other campsites and even a couple of small hotels but found that they were all fully booked. Some two hours later Jones returned to the campsite and walked back into the reception office where Claude was sitting on a chair naked and on the phone. It had not yet entered Jones’s mind that he would actually have to take off his clothes, after all he was Jones, Alan Jones. Claude finished his phone conversation and put down the receiver. “Ah, Monsieur Jones, a successful trip?”

  “Yes, thank you very much. I think I have everything that I am going to need,” replied Jones, hoping that now he would gain admission to the site, be able to settle himself in, get a drink and work out his next move.

  “Sorry I forget what you said earlier, how long are you going to be staying with us?”

  “I will stay for fourteen nights,” replied Jones as he thought he could always make some excuse if he found somewhere else to stay in the meantime.

  “Have you ever put up a tent before?”

  “No, this is my very first experience of camping.”

  “In that case as it is starting to get late and dinner is in two hours I will get my son Jean to give you a hand in setting up your tent, otherwise as it is your first time you may find that it is going to take a long time to work everything out,” said Claude having visions of Jones fighting to put up his tent.

  “That is very kind of you,” said Jones, relieved that something finally was going right for him for the first time today.

  Claude picked up his mobile phone and called his son Jean and asked him to come to reception. “My son has got a summer job on the campsite and is saving up to buy a moped, so if he helps you put up your tent it would be a kind gesture if you could see your way in giving him a tip, that is of course, if you feel that the job has been done to your satisfaction,” said Claude.

  “No, not at all you have been more than kind towards me, so it is the very least I can do. Do you happen to know when a young couple called Peter and Sarah are due to arrive? Unfortunately I can’t remember their last names.”

  “Ah, Peter and Sarah, I know them well they have been coming here for the last three years. They will be arriving the day after tomorrow.” Jean walked into reception totally naked and barefoot. He was about 176 cm tall athletic build with brown eyes and dark brown almost black hair which came down to his shoulders, and an all over deep golden tan. “Jean, would you please be good enough to take monsieur Jones across to the other side of the campsite by the pine forest, and find him a suitable pitch and then help him in putting up his tent as this is his first time camping,” asked Claude.

  “No problem papa,” answered Jean.

  “Monsieur Jones, dinner is at 7.30 this evening. You can wear clothes if you wish some of our guest do and others do not, it is entirely up to you. Jean will show you where the dining area is. Have a good stay and if you need anything just ask,” said Claude.

  Jones and Jean walked out to Jones’s car and drove across to the other side of the campsite to the edge of a pine forest. Jones did not notice all the naked people around him, as he was too busy keeping a mental note of where everything was.

  Within five minutes they arrived at the pine forest. On the way Jean pointed out where the evening meal would be served. This evening it was a BBQ evening and as they drove past the dining area Jones could smell something being cooked and asked Jean what was on the menu. Jean told Jones that it would be suckling pig which had been cooking for the last few hours. Jones then started to feel hungry as he realized he not eaten anything since breakfast.

  Jones’s pitch was set in a clearing just inside the pine forest. The pitch commanded a wonderful view across the countryside. As they got out the car Jones could smell pine in the air and thought to himself that he might just enjoy this camping thing. Jones took out all the equipment that had been sold to him by the camping shop in Perpignan and laid it all out on the ground. Jean immediately went for the big bag which contained the tent and all of the fixings and emptied the contents on the ground, whilst Jones just stood there not even knowing where to begin. “Just watch what I do as next time you will probably have
to do this by yourself Mr Jones,” said Jean.

  Within five minutes the tent was up. Jean then proceeded to empty out the contents of the other bags. In one there was a sleeping mat and Jean unrolled it and put in the tent, and in the next bag there was a sleeping bag which Jean put into the tent on top of the sleeping mat. The next bag contained a lamp and a torch. “You will need the torch this evening to find your way back to your tent as it will be dark by the time dinner is finished,” said Jean, as he proceeded to hang up the lantern inside Jones’s new tent. The next bag contained a fold up reclining chair and fold up table which Jean erected for Jones. “If you want coffee, there is a vending machine next to the camp shop. There is a drinking water tap just over there,” said Jean pointing to a rock with a tap on it.

  “Where are the toilets and showers?”

  “They are just down there on the left monsieur Jones.”

  “Merci,” said Jones, as he took out his wallet and gave Jean €20, as a thank you for all of his help. Jones knew he would have been there for hours trying work out as to how to put up the tent.

  “Merci beaucoup monsieur Jones,” said Jean, as Jones hand him the note.

  “Did you want a lift back to reception?” asked Jones.

  “Non monsieur Jones, it is fine thank you, I will walk back. See you later at the BBQ,” said Jean and with that Jean turned and walked down the track in the direction of reception leaving Jones on his own.

  Jones looked at his new home and then walked round it before going inside. He was really pleased with it, and then decided to sit down on his new reclining chair and have five minutes. He smelt the faint fragrance of pine and listened to the crickets. In the distance he saw a herd of horses lazily grazing in a field without a care in the world. He was enjoying the moment and was really pleased that he did not have to take off his clothes, that would be a hurdle he knew he would have to face sooner or later, but for now he was safe. He knew he could also get away with it in the morning as he decided he would have a little tour around to see if he could find somewhere else to stay. But he really did not want to think beyond that for the time being.

  Jones’s Breakdown

  Jones woke up to the smell of warm fresh pine scented air. He could hear birds singing all around him and the odd neigh of a horse in the distance. At first he wondered where he was, it then slowly dawned on him that he was at a naturist campsite. At least he knew that he would not have to walk around naked this morning as he was off to find somewhere else to stay, so he had the perfect excuse to be fully clothed.

  He walked over to the restaurant and had breakfast, disappointed that even here they did not know how to make a proper cup of tea. Most of his fellow guests were naked, but he had, by now, become used to seeing naked people all about him, but he was starting to feel a little out of place being one of the very few clothed people.

  After breakfast Jones headed back to his tent where he got into his car and turned the ignition key expecting the engine to turn over and roar into life, but all he got was a clicking noise. ‘Not another BJD [Bad Jones Day]’ thought Jones. He tried turning the key once more but again all he got was a clicking noise. He took out the paperwork he had received from the hire company and finally found a telephone number to call in the event of a breakdown. He got his mobile phone and dialled the number on his sheet of paper but found that his phone was not getting signal, so he walked over to reception and explained that his phone was not working and asked to use the phone. The phone was answered by a French woman. Jones did not give her a chance to say anything more than good morning, and said “Palrey vooos Anglaisey?” In his strange sort of schoolboy French, at least he was understood.

  “Un moment s”il vous plait,” said the female voice on the other end of the phone. A few moments later a male voice came on the line speaking English.

  “Yes sir, how can we help you?”

  “My vehicle which I rented from you will not start, all I get is a clicking noise every time I turn the key in the ignition.” said Jones.

  “Okay monsieur, I have some questions which need to be answered first before I can help you. What is your name and what is the registration number of the vehicle so I can locate you on our computer. Also, where are you located so we can send out a local garage to sort out your problem?” asked the man on the other end of the phone. Jones suddenly went very red in the face as it dawned on him that he was phoning from a naturist campsite and people all around him were naked. He knew he had no choice but to give his exact location, and blurted out the information that was asked of him.

  “Ah, what a lovely naturist campsite you are on, I was there only last week with my family for a short holiday,” said the man on the other end of the phone. Jones was taken aback by what he had just heard. He felt a wave of relief envelop him, and start to feel more comfortable with the situation. “Monsieur Jones, I will get hold of some one and as soon as I know what time they will be coming to you I will phone you back,” said the man on the other end of the phone.

  “Thank you,” said Jones and hung up. Within five minutes the phone in reception rang. It was a call for Jones.

  “Bonjour monsieur Jones, this is Jacque from the car rental office. There will be someone called Marcel at the campsite within the next fifteen to twenty minutes. He will be arriving in a small white van If you can make your way to the front gate of the camp site and wait there. If there are any problems at all just give me a call and ask for Jacque,” said Jacque.

  “Merci for all your help,” replied Jones and hung up and decided he would get himself a quick coffee.

  As he walked to the coffee shop he could see naked people all around him without a care in the world. Jones knew that sooner or later, preferably later in his case, he would be obliged to divest himself of his clothing and he was dreading it. But at least for now he had the perfect excuse to remain clothed, and hopefully he would find himself another place in which to stay.

  About twenty minutes later a small white van arrived at the front gate and Jones walk over to the driver of the van. “Monsieur Jones?” asked Marcel through the open window of the van.

  “Yes,” said Jones looking at the middle aged man with balding grey hair sitting in the van.

  “I am Marcel from the garage. The car rental company sent me to have a look at you car, so if you get in you can direct me to your car,” said Marcel in Frangliase, which Jones somehow managed to understand much to his surprise. Jones got into passenger side of the little white van and they headed across the campsite in the direction of Jones car. Jones noted that Marcel was not in the least bothered by the naked people wandering around the place.

  When they arrived at Jones’s broken down vehicle Marcel asked for the keys and tried to start the engine but all he got, like Jones, was a click, click, click noise. Marcel released the bonnet catch and lifted the bonnet, and Jones just watched as Marcel went about his business. Marcel popped his head out from underneath the bonnet and told Jones that the alternator on the vehicle had gone. Just then Claude turned up on a golf cart, totally naked wondering who had ventured onto his campsite without reporting to reception first. Claude instantly recognised Marcel and they greeted each other like long lost friends. Marcel briefly explained to Claude what the problem was with Jones car. Jones watched the two men had their conversation not understanding a word of what they where saying. He then noticed that Marcel was wearing a pair of bedroom slippers on his feet, a pair of burgundy red slippers. Jones had to look twice as he just could not believe what he saw.

  “Marcel has told me that you need to get this car to the garage where he will get a new alternator fitted at some point this afternoon. He cannot do it any sooner as he has to order and get the part delivered to him, but you will be able to get the vehicle back this evening. Marcel is just phoning up the car rental company to clear it with them,” said Claude.

  Marcel came over to Jones and handed him his mobile phone, it was Jacque. “Monsieur Jones, I am so sorry for the pr
oblems you are having with your car. We could get another one to you but it would not be till later on this afternoon, and by the time we have delivered it you will have your car returned. We will of course deduct a day’s rental from your bill when you return the car,” said Jacque apologetically.

  “Well as you say I might just as well wait for this car to be repaired.” said Jones. Jones handed the phone back to Marcel who exchanged a few more words with Jacques who then ended the call. Marcel went to the back of his small white van and opened the doors. All that was in the back was a small bag of tools and box with a battery in it together with a set of heavy duty jump leads. He pulled the box with the battery in it to the rear door of the van, and connected the jump leads to the battery. Unfortunately he was not aware that the positive and negative where touching his leg and managed to give himself a shock. He quickly made it look as if it was all part of the process. Marcel then attached the two leads to Jones’s car and asked Jones to turn on the ignition and the engine instantly roared into life on the first turn of the key.