“That is good news.” He paused for a moment before taking a deep breath. “So, I guess you have a lot of questions. About my behavior on Friday, I mean.”
“I did have lots of questions, but I think the most important ones have been cleared up for me.”
“What do you mean?”
“I was desperate, Daniel. I was terrified when I couldn’t reach you. Seeing you like that on Friday scared the shit out of me. I finally got hold of Penny. I thought she’d know where you were, but she said she and Brad were looking for you as well because you didn’t show up to help paint. I ended up telling her what happened on Friday. I thought maybe you were in the hospital.”
Daniel clenched his jaw, and a muscle in his cheek jumped. “What did she tell you?” he whispered.
“She told me about your panic attacks.”
He rubbed his face. “I wish she hadn’t.”
“Well, I’m glad she did. I think it’s important I know, don’t you?”
“Yes, of course it is. What I mean is—I wish I’d been the one to tell you instead of her.”
“Why didn’t you tell me?”
He looked at me for a long moment, and then dragged his chair close to mine, perching his elbows on his knees.
“It wasn’t my intention to hide it from you. I honestly didn’t think there was anything to tell. I thought I was dealing better with all of the implications of our relationship than I actually was.”
“Penny told me these panic attacks started after the situation with Nicola?”
“My tendency for anxiety goes way back. I’ve always been a bit obsessive—a perfectionist—and I’ve always felt extreme pressure to live up to my father’s expectations. But the scandal with Nicola is what set off the actual panic attacks. Feeling like control is being taken away from you when you have a predisposition to anxiety…”
“So, did you have them a lot?” I wanted to know everything now. I knew Daniel’s father was in the office next door, waiting for us to emerge, but he’d have to wait.
“I had my fair share. The first one scared the hell out of me. It happened out of the blue at a football match. A bunch of my friends were trying to cheer me up after my position at the university was suspended. Penny was there. It was crowded, and people were fighting and surging toward the field. I freaked out. I got these black spots in front of my eyes and a piercing pain in my shoulder, then my heart started pounding and I couldn’t breathe. I thought I was having a heart attack. Penny and my friend Gavin took me to the hospital, but by the time we got there, I was feeling better. Tired, but better. It’s the strangest sensation.”
“So, that’s what happened on Friday?”
“Exactly.”
“Daniel, tell me about the prescriptions—the bottles you moved out of your vanity cupboard when I stayed over.”
He smiled grimly. “You caught that, did you?”
“I didn’t want to pry. I figured there was a good reason for you to move them. But now I’d like you to tell me about them.”
He sat back in his chair and rubbed at his whiskers. “Okay. Well, brace yourself.”
I nodded.
“Let’s see, there’s the anti-depression meds. I took them for a while last year, but they didn’t agree with me. Terrible side effects. Then there’s the anti-anxiety meds. I wasn’t a big fan of those either. Sleeping pills? Took those for months, too. I went through a spell where I couldn’t fall asleep, and then when I did get to sleep, I’d suffer from nightmares.”
“Are you still taking any of those prescriptions?” I asked, remembering the nightmare he’d had when I’d stayed over.
“No, I haven’t taken anything for months. This was the first panic attack I’ve had in ages.” He paused. “Actually, that’s not true. I’ve had a couple of small ones over the last few weeks. Both times I managed to avert a full-blown attack.”
“When?”
He closed his eyes and clamped his mouth shut. I thought he was going to refuse to tell me, but then he visibly braced himself and continued.
“After we met at the Gardiner that day? Once I’d dropped you off at residence, I was going to meet Jeremy, and I had to sit on a bench in the quad here at Vic and calm down. My heart was racing, and I had chest pain. After sitting for a few minutes, I was okay.”
“What do you think brought it on?”
“I’m not sure. Perhaps deep down I knew the danger I’d put myself in, letting you know my feelings for you. I honestly can’t account for it. I was ecstatic about the prospect of us having a relationship. The subconscious mind is a mysterious place.”
He seemed completely bewildered. His explanation made total sense as far as I was concerned.
“And the other one?” I asked.
“The night I saw you and Matt at the Madison House. That one makes more sense. I wanted to beat him to a pulp. It was pure adrenaline. Thinking I’d lost you because of my stupid position had me gasping for breath by the time I got home. Luckily, that attack didn’t progress either.”
“How do you get them to stop?”
“There’s not much you can do, really, except breathe and try to calm down. My parents know I need to be talked down. That’s what my mom was trying to do on Friday.”
“You didn’t want my help,” I said, my voice wavering slightly. Remembering how desolate I’d felt when he’d shut me out was bad enough, but now my heart was breaking for him.
“I didn’t want you to see me like that. It’s completely emasculating, falling apart like that. Not to mention being incapable of forming coherent thoughts. I wanted to give my dad a piece of my mind, but I was so focused on trying to calm down that I couldn’t even speak.”
“I thought you didn’t want me there.”
“I’m sorry. I figured I’d be home an hour later and we would talk and I’d explain everything before we had to go to class.”
I thought back to how much I’d worried over the weekend. It was nothing compared to the way I felt now.
“What are you thinking?” he asked softly.
I sighed. “I’m thinking—I’m thinking you don’t need instability in your life. You need things to be orderly and logical, not frigging chaotic and unpredictable. Correct me if I’m wrong, but our relationship is causing you a hell of a lot of anxiety.”
He sat up stiffly, his eyes betraying his distress.
“I’m going to keep my promise to your father, Daniel. I’m going to back off. I’m not going to see you outside of the classroom until the semester is over.”
“Aubrey, please—”
“Daniel, try to understand my position. I don’t want to be responsible for causing you anxiety. I certainly don’t want to be a source of conflict between you and your parents, not to mention the fact that I have a relationship with your father that’s important to me. I’m supposed to be covering Gisele’s three-week holiday in June. I can earn enough in one month to pay my parents back what I owe them.”
His jaw clenched. I knew what he was thinking.
“It’s not only the money,” I said. “If you’re going to be a part of my future, I need to stay on good terms with your parents. I made your father a promise. I don’t want to go back on my word.”
He shook his head, frowning. “Please don’t speak about our future in hypothetical terms. I am going to be a part of your future. End of story.”
“Okay. I’m sorry.”
“You don’t have to apologize, but I want to make myself clear. Assuming you want me to be a part of your life, I’m in, one hundred percent.”
I smiled and nodded, my heart hammering its agreement.
“Now, tell me about this promise you made,” he said.
“I told your dad I wouldn’t do anything that could hurt you and your reputation, and if that meant backing off for a while and ceasing contact outside of class, then I was prepared to do it.”
“I hate him for the position he’s put you in. He’s never experienced anything this frustrating. It
’s so easy to preach the moral high ground when you’ve got absolutely no concept of what someone is going through.”
“He’s trying to protect you and your family.”
“He had no right to burden you with all this guilt. I’m not surprised, though. He’s fucking masterful at it. He’s been doing it to me for years.”
“Penny alluded to that yesterday,” I confessed. Penny had spoken of David as a good man, but one who was sometimes misdirected—especially in his dealings with Daniel, who’d always been so desperate to please his father.
“Poor Penny’s had to listen to her fair share of me bitching about it over the years. He doesn’t seem to realize I’m not the same kid who used to fall all over myself for his approval. It’s like I was frozen in time while I was at Oxford or something. And you certainly don’t need to answer to him.”
I sighed. It wasn’t that simple.
“I get it, though,” he said. “You’re in a difficult position.”
“I’m torn right now.”
“What can I do?”
“Help me meet your father’s terms?”
“Which are?”
“I told him I wouldn’t contact you. He expects us to limit our communication to classroom instructional time. He even said I should take office hours with Professor Brown instead of with you.”
“That’s just insulting. And there are going to be times in the next few weeks that we’ll have to meet beyond the classroom simply by necessity, based on upcoming course assessments. I think you’d be drawing more attention to yourself by insisting on seeing Martin. He’d probably wonder what your problem was with me.”
“I guess you’re right.”
“Good. I’m glad you agree.” He looked at me thoughtfully. “Are you sure about this? I don’t see the harm in you texting me or emailing. No one would ever know we were in touch. I think it would make me more anxious not hearing from you.”
“I don’t know. That’s what I told him.”
“I can tell you right now that I can’t promise to stop communicating with you. That’s what got me through last week, you know? I don’t think I could cope if I couldn’t share my feelings with you. I can almost handle the idea of not spending time with you alone, but I don’t like it. As far as I’m concerned, my position can’t be put in jeopardy if you email me. No one would know unless you decided to report me.”
“Daniel, don’t be absurd.” I scowled at him.
“I was joking,” he said, smiling gently.
He grasped my hand on the table, rubbing his thumb across my knuckles. “What happened to our reservation at Taboo?” I asked.
“Money down the tubes. I wasn’t able to cancel.”
“I’m sorry.”
He shrugged. “I don’t care about that. I was looking forward to spending time with you. I couldn’t wait to see you in that new dress.”
“We’ll have our chance soon. It’s not the end of the world,” I said softly. “In six weeks—thirty-eight days, to be exact—there won’t be anything anyone can say or do to keep us apart.”
“He wants us to wait to go public until after you’ve graduated, you know that, right?”
“Yes, but he also said at the very least until the course is over. There’s no way I’m waiting until June to be alone with you, Daniel. As soon as that exam is over, I’ll be all over you. Best prepare yourself.”
“Hmm, in that case, what’s to prepare? I can’t wait.” His eyes sparkled mischievously. I’d missed that.
“Six weeks might seem like a long time, but as long as I know you care about me, I can get through,” I said.
He shook his head. “Aubrey, you have no idea.”
He brought my hand to his lips and kissed it gently before pressing his cheek into my palm. I genuinely smiled for the first time in three days.
“Does that mean you forgive me for putting you through hell this weekend?”
“There’s nothing to forgive. It wasn’t your fault. And I suppose I understand why you didn’t tell me about the anxiety attacks, but you can tell me anything. You won’t scare me away.”
He helped me to my feet. “Thank you. You may come to regret saying that. I can be a wordy bastard at times.” He sighed. “I don’t want to walk out that door. Things are going to be very different when we leave this room.”
I nodded. “This was a wake-up call. What if it had been someone else who had found out?”
He closed his eyes. “Do you know how many times I heard that this weekend?”
“I’m sorry, but it’s true.”
“You don’t need to apologize,” he said, hugging me. “But someone does, and he will very shortly. If you don’t mind, though, before we leave, I need something to think about for the next six weeks.”
Before I could even think about protesting, he pressed his lips to mine with a passion that overtook us both.
Promise? What promise?
Daniel
Chapter 12
This Sad Interim
Let this sad interim like the ocean be
Which parts the shore, where two contracted new
Come daily to the banks, that, when they see
Return of love, more blest may be the view…
(Sonnet 56)
GOD, IT WAS GOOD TO BE BACK in civilization. My dad’s justification that it would be good for me to “get away from it all” for a couple of days after my attack had been laughable. I’m sure what he’d actually meant was, “I need to get you away from Aubrey for a few days.” And it had been pure hell.
Now I was kissing her, having told her everything and fully expecting to be cast aside as not merely unavailable, but emotionally unstable. But had she balked? Not at all. She’d been compassionate and sensitive—stubborn as fuck, but wonderful as ever. Thank God. I don’t know what I would have done if she’d pushed me away.
Being wrenched away from her on Friday morning had been particularly cruel, especially given the weekend plans we’d had. The thought of her turning me away after the progress we’d made was beyond contemplation.
I could have stayed in that office kissing her all day, feeling her velvet-soft tongue against mine, her hands in my hair, her breath coming in small gasps as she made those sweet whimpering sounds in her throat. From the beginning, I’d been so afraid to kiss her, knowing I’d be tortured by need as soon as my tongue touched hers. I’d been right to worry. Her kisses swept me away, and I imagined my lips roaming her skin, her body responding…
Jesus, this wasn’t the time. I had to face reality.
I gave her one last kiss, trying to freeze it in my memory, then pulled away to look at her. She sighed and gently rested her hands on my chest, a sincerity in her expression that took my breath away.
“I guess it’s time to see what’s in store for us,” she said.
“This should be interesting. We talked a hell of a lot this weekend. I’m not sure how successful I was at bringing him around to my way of thinking, though.” I stroked her cheek. “I would my father look’d but with my eyes.”
“Daniel Grant, stop laying it on so thick.”
“Sorry.”
“No you’re not. You know it makes me weak in the knees when you haul out the Shakespeare.”
“Well, given the weak knees, I suppose I’m not the slightest bit sorry,” I admitted. I unlocked the door. “Ready?”
She closed her eyes and exhaled shakily. “Okay.”
I couldn’t blame her for being nervous. I was dreading this conversation as well, but more than that, I was dreading being apart from her, especially now that I knew what I’d be missing.
“Whatever happens in the next six weeks, don’t ever question my feelings for you, okay?” she said.
“I’ll do my best. And that goes double for you,” I said. “Let’s get this over with.”
We went to my father’s office. He was gazing out the window over Queen’s Park, his arms crossed in front of his chest. It was odd seeing him standing there
wearing clothes he’d generally wear on the golf course. He seemed less imposing. I left the door open a crack, and he turned around, gesturing to the round table in the corner.
“Why don’t we sit there?” he suggested.
Wonder of wonders, a flash of humanity. Sitting at the table instead of being lectured at from across his desk would be far less confrontational. I slid a chair out for Aubrey, and we all sat. I clasped my hands in front of me and noticed Aubrey had done the same. She looked at my hands, also taking in our simultaneous gesture. My father sighed.
“Look at the two of you.”
“What?” I said, already on the defensive.
“How on earth do you manage to hide your feelings when you’re in the classroom?”
Aubrey’s cheeks turned pink.
“It’s not easy,” I said, “but I think we’re coping admirably.”
“Goodness, I hope so. I’m even more worried than ever about the two of you being seen together in public.” He grimaced.
Were we really that transparent? Probably.
“Look, I have no desire to drag this on,” he said. “We’ve talked ourselves out over the last two days, Daniel, but I know you’re not happy with the way your mother and I handled things, and I don’t want to let any bad feelings fester. You know we only have your best interests at heart.”
“No, cutting me off from Aubrey and making it impossible for me to contact her to put her mind at rest was not in my best interest at all. Or hers.”
His eyes shifted to Aubrey. “Were you really that concerned? I tried to reassure you that Daniel would be fine.”
She met his eyes. “Your assurances were comforting to a point, but it’s very difficult watching someone you care about suffering. I didn’t know what was wrong with him. So, yes, I was concerned. In fact, I spent the better part of the weekend worrying, sir.”
My father looked at her over his bridged hands. “I’m sorry. You know how much I prize discretion. I gathered he hadn’t told you about his anxiety. It was Daniel’s prerogative whether to share that with you. As for taking him up to the cottage, his mother and I wanted to keep an eye on him. We thought it would be wise to eliminate emotional stimuli that might set him off. It’s been difficult for Gwen since Daniel moved out. She worries about how he’s coping with stress. Daniel had a terrible episode of recurring anxiety in England last year, and we feared something similar might occur this time. Happily, that wasn’t the case.”
Better Deeds Than Words (Words#2) Page 12