Until We Meet Again in Jannah

by Laki Khan

  I sat near the stove crying my heart out until I heard Omar’s voice. ‘I thought we could all have some tea,’ he said, smiling.

  ‘Yes, you’re right,’ I quickly replied, grabbing a pot and filling it with water to place upon the stove. We both sat next to Ammu drinking tea that night, while she was perched up on pillows. All the while I felt a deep anxiety in my stomach and throat that refused to leave, causing me to feel further unsettled and worried.

  That night there was no laughter, only a few quiet polite exchanges and smiles, mainly from Ammu, almost as if she were vicariously living through us; I merely felt sombre with an underlying deep concern. I desperately wanted my old life back, where at least my beloved mother had been in the best of health; deep in my heart I knew that what had gone would never return. Omar retired to bed, advising Ammu to rest, and he directed a reassuring glance towards me. I remembered Hamid who was vile and did not possess an ounce of humanity, and was a depleted human being for that matter. In many ways he was accountable for our plight today. Then there was Omar who was kind, generous, and humble; words were not enough to praise him.

  My attention diverted to the sound of Ammu’s voice. ‘Saira,’ she called.

  ‘Yes, Ammu,’ I replied, expecting she might need something. Strangely enough she smiled, instructing me to open her closet, which I did. She then pointed towards a carrier bag that lay at the bottom of the cupboard. I recalled this being the same bag she would not allow me to carry while we were leaving our beloved home. This had been the bag she had held close to her through the journey here. She told me the bag held something precious that was meant only for me and that I should open the bag when the time was right. ‘Ammu, how will I know when the time is right?’ I asked with curiosity. ‘Will you tell me when?’

  ‘You will just know, dear,’ she replied softly, with a beautiful angelic smile, and wished me goodnight. I stood still, captivated by what had just happened, and later lay in bed wondering what the bag held that was deemed so precious and meant for me. What had she meant by ‘I will know’? What would I know? I figured perhaps Ammu was just extremely tired and delirious or perhaps the strong painkillers were causing some sort of hallucinations. I was tired and achy and very quickly surrendered to the call of my exhausted eyes.

  Dawn was breaking through, and as usual my day began with the beautiful call to prayer; this time my prayer included both Ammu and Omar. I noticed Ammu was shivering in her sleep, so I wrapped her with a blanket and held her close to me. But when I touched her face she was burning hot with an extremely high fever. I immediately ran into the bathroom and got two wet flannels to place on her head. I was oblivious to the fact that Omar had followed me into the room after seeing me running across the house in a state of panic.

  ‘What’s wrong, Saira?’ he asked with worry.

  ‘I don’t know, I don’t know, she’s hot, burning with fever, and not waking up. I don’t know…’ I replied hysterically. Omar immediately contacted the doctor for medical assistance. I felt a deep fear pierce through me, a fear so uncontrollable and fierce it was beginning to wither me away like melting wax on a burning candle. We must have sat with her for an hour before the doctor arrived to find Ammu almost unconscious. We both stood over him, anxiety ridden, frantically explaining what had happened overnight. She was still burning hot as the doctor examined her with a subdued look on his face that scared me witless. What had he discovered and what was wrong with my mother? The doctor then asked us both to be seated, and my heart began to pound at the thought of what he was about to divulge; I felt a lump in my throat finding it impossible to swallow. The doctor said it was vital for Ammu to be admitted to a hospital; I took shelter in the kitchen, standing against the wall, helpless.

  I hadn’t even realised that Omar was standing right behind me until he said, ‘Saira, please, you have to stay strong for Ammu, she needs you right now. Come on, it’s very important we listen to what the doctor has to say.’ He stood strong and tall, towering over me as the resounding voice of logic. I took a deep breath, wishing away my tears, and walked behind Omar back into the room. I listened as the doctor reported Ammu’s blood pressure to be uncontrollably high, accompanied with a high fever, as she lay semi-conscious, almost in a lifeless state. He informed us that she was physically so weak she would be prone to further complications, which was why she needed to be admitted right away for acute intensive treatment in hospital. His words felt like daggers piercing right through my heart. How could her health have deteriorated to this extent, this rapidly? Once again I felt the tears begin to flow and tried to suppress them to no avail. I sat next to Ammu, listening to Omar as he made arrangements for her to be admitted right away. He turned to me instructing me to pack a few of her things. The doctor then left, informing us that he would send an ambulance to collect Ammu and take her to Sylhet Town, which was the nearest hospital to us that had all the specialist facilities she needed.

  I continued sitting next to Ammu, staring into her face, pleading with her to wake up.

  ‘Saira, you heard what the doctor advised. Ammu needs treatment. You need to get a few of her things together, so that we can leave as soon as the ambulance arrives,’ said Omar. Again he was right.

  I silently kissed Ammu on her cheeks and whispered, ‘It’s okay, I will make you all better again.’ This was something Ammu used to always say to me during my childhood whenever I was feeling unwell. Whenever I was sick as a child, Ammu would sit next to me rubbing balm on my forehead, my back and chest, and onto the soles of my feet. Today, here I was mirroring that same behaviour, only this time it was Ammu who was unwell and I would have given anything to trade places with her. I collected all her medication and packed some items of clothing to take along, and sat next to her waiting patiently for the arrival of the ambulance. I heard Omar’s footsteps pacing along the front patio, and clearly sensed the stress and tension in his demeanour; he was worried just as much as I was as he stood against the grill gates, his eyes in search of the ambulance. I felt sick to the stomach as the fear of anything happening to my mother shook the foundation of my existence.

  A short while later I heard a sweet angelic voice calling out. ‘Saira…’

  ‘Ammu, you’re awake. How are you feeling?’ I asked her.

  ‘I’m feeling all right, just a little tired,’ she said. I touched her forehead, which seemed a little cooler now. Then I fetched her some water and painkillers and sat her up, enabling her to take small sips.

  ‘Ammu, will you please eat something,’ I said, elated to see her awake. Just then I heard Omar rush into the room, his face illuminated, almost like a starry night, upon seeing Ammu awake. He sat close to her, asking how she felt, and Ammu smiled back at him, saying she was feeling just fine. Omar informed us that the ambulance had been dispatched.

  ‘Is everything okay, Saira? Why is there an ambulance arriving?’ Ammu questioned, staring at us both. She was behaving strangely, completely oblivious to the fact that she was extremely unwell and could barely lift herself out of bed; she began coughing and spluttering.

  ‘Ammu, you have been very unwell since last night,’ I told her, softly touching her warm forehead.

  ‘I am fine – you two worry too much about me,’ she complained.

  ‘No, Ammu, please listen to me.’ I sat next to her and explained how her health had deteriorated, and that the doctor had advised that she be admitted.

  She thought this was a travesty. ‘Admitted to hospital?’ She laughed. I was shocked that she was unable to comprehend the implications if she did not receive specialist treatment.

  ‘Ammu, please, we will come with you. I promise I will stay with you, you have nothing to worry about,’ I reassured her.

  ‘Dear, I’m not worried at all, I am absolutely fine and I don’t need to be in hospital. You and Omar are doing a wonderful job of looking after me here,’ she said, looking at us both.

  I pleaded with her. ‘You don’t understand, your blood pressure is hig
h, anything could happen. You need to be stronger, that’s why you need to be in hospital.’

  ‘Saira, I will not go anywhere,’ she said.

  ‘Please, Ammu, I’m really scared and I just want you to get better.’ I tried to reason with her.

  ‘Saira, I will not go to a hospital and that is final. I like staying here, in this house, it’s peaceful and I will be fine,’ she said adamantly.

  ‘Ammu, please,’ I cried out.

  ‘Saira, my dear, it’s going to be okay.’ She smiled, placing her arms around me while Omar stood and watched, speechless. I ran out into the courtyard unable to hold on to my many emotions: tears, pain, anger, confusion, all at the same time. I stood staring out onto the courtyard desperate for a way to convince Ammu to go to hospital. I was scared, scared of what consequences may lie ahead. I hoped Omar would be able to persuade her somehow, although I knew this would be nothing short of a miracle. I wiped away the beads of sweat from my forehead and turned to return to Ammu’s room. Omar walked onto the patio looking subdued.

  ‘What is it, what’s wrong? Is she okay?’ I panicked.

  ‘It’s okay, she’s fine,’ he quickly reassured me. ‘Sit down a minute, Saira,’ he instructed, which I did. ‘Look, I have just been speaking to Ammu,’ he continued.

  ‘Did you convince her?’ I asked hopefully.

  He looked at me, stating that he had tried his best, even suggesting that she only attend for a check-up and return to sleep here for the night. Even then she remained adamant and determined that she would not leave this house, Omar said. I knew that Ammu, like myself, was headstrong, and once she had reached her decision, she would remain loyal to it come what may. ‘Saira, I am confused about one thing. Why is Ammu adamant about not wanting to leave this house? I will never ask her to leave,’ he said. I knew all too well the pain Ammu felt and that inevitably it had a part to play in the state she was in today. I continued to stare at the floor, while the silence drowned out Omar’s question entirely. ‘Saira, what’s wrong?’ he repeated.

  ‘I just want her to be in hospital, I don’t want to risk anything happening to her, ever,’ I replied.

  ‘I completely understand what you’re saying, but she has made her mind up and I think we have to respect that and start to think about how we can best look after her here,’ he advised kindly. I nodded, trying to quell my emotions, but no matter how much I tried I was unable to eradicate them. I knew it would not be beneficial for Ammu to see me in this state, so I placed my hands together in supplication and conversed with my Lord, praying for strength to withstand this storm, and pleaded for the return of my mother’s health. I walked back into her room only to discover her sitting there smiling. She pulled me closer to her, telling me not to worry and that everything would be okay. I smiled back in return at her, wondering where she was able to find this innate strength to pretend that all was well.

  Gradually I made a start on dinner; nobody had eaten and I especially wanted Ammu to eat and regain some of that lost strength. The three of us sat side by side for dinner after what had been a trying day, while I gently encouraged Ammu to eat. She appeared weak and frail and complained of dizziness throughout the evening. I forced her to eat as much as she could tolerate and then tucked her into bed just as the shivers returned. I held on to her soft hands for reassurance, although all I wanted was to cry out in despair as nothing I did eradicated her pain or mine.

  It was now late into the night, humid and sticky, and Ammu’s fever had returned, this time with a vengeance it seemed; her entire body was burning hot as she drifted in and out of consciousness. I sat next to her for hours holding her hand, rubbing her feet, massaging her head, placing cool flannels on her forehead, and continuously prayed for her to make a full and complete recovery. I was petrified of what this dark night may bring. Omar opened the small windows of the room allowing cool air to circulate. I stared into Ammu’s beautiful face and kissed her burning cheeks, while he sat beside her feet, mirroring my distress. I assumed seeing Ammu unwell like this was perhaps reminding him of unhealed wounds.

  ‘Omar, get some rest,’ I said to him.

  ‘No, I am fine,’ he said, fanning Ammu with a small handheld fan. I attempted to wake her many times, but she was unresponsive as if she were asleep. How ironic that the strongest person I had ever known was today lying here so physically weak and bed bound. Her bones felt brittle to the touch, her skin papery and translucent.

  After a long and trying night, dawn finally arrived bringing with it the beautiful call to prayer. Little did I know that these were Ammu’s last moments; like sand in an hourglass my beautiful, beloved, most precious person, my mother, had departed from us, falling forever into a deep sleep. While I sat holding her hand and Omar her feet, her body began to feel colder and colder as I continued grasping on to her life as tightly as possible. She had made the inevitable crossing from this realm into the next: the hereafter, departing from everything in this world, including me.

  I struggled to breathe; I struggled for air and was just about able to sit next to her staring into her beautiful face. I heard Omar whispering to me that she had gone; he must have been unsure of whether or not I had accepted her sudden departure. I continued sitting close to her for the next few hours. We were now surrounded by daylight, but I felt captive in a darkness that encompassed my entire being.

  Suddenly I noticed the entire room was full of people. I wanted to shout and demand that everyone leave and let her rest, only I was unable to speak. It was as if I had become paralysed. The room was filled with familiar faces, people I had been in contact with and seen around the village. Some were hugging me, while others touched my head and shoulders at which I flinched, and offered me words of condolence along with their prayers and blessings. A lady then attempted to remove my hand from Ammu’s, but in retaliation I held on tighter. People had surrounded Ammu, leaving only her hand in sight. I began to feel disorientated, unable to comprehend the activity around me. I heard chatter about shrouding her body and arranging her burial. These words continued to ring in my ears as I sat frozen and shell-shocked. I wanted to tell everyone to leave her alone. I wanted Omar to tell everyone to leave, but he appeared to be delegating tasks to various different people.

  A short while later I felt the warmth of somebody’s hand on my arm. When I looked over I saw Layla standing there, reflecting my grief-stricken face in hers. She placed her arm around me, gently unlocking my hand from Ammu’s, which I tried to prevent but was unable to muster the physical strength. I brought my hand up to my nose so I could continue to smell the sweet aroma of my beloved mother, as Layla walked beside me to another room away from everybody and away from Ammu. Layla sat me down on the bed, seating herself next to me. I wanted to shout and scream and cry, but nothing came out of my mouth. I wanted to demand that she take me back so I could stay near my mother, so that I could feel the touch of her skin upon mine once again. I wanted to ask everybody why they were determined to separate me from her. I sat on the bed fixated on one spot on the floor, while Layla sat close to me, only allowing a few people in at a time who wanted to personally pay their respects.

  Chapter 15 – Departing with an Angel

  Layla offered me some water, which I refused, shaking my head vigorously as I battled with my inability to speak. Just as twilight struck, between light and dark, Omar entered the room to find me sitting in the exact same position staring at exactly the same place. He asked Layla whether or not I had eaten, to which Layla answered, ‘She hasn’t eaten or drunk anything, neither has she spoken a single word.’

  Omar stood in front of me while I continued to look down. ‘Saira, I have just returned from Ammu’s burial. Everything went smoothly and… the place where she is resting is close by. It’s very peaceful there,’ he said. ‘I’m very sorry for your loss,’ he continued. The word ‘burial’ replayed in my mind, ripping through the walls of my heart like a dagger, and all I could think about was my beloved mother all alone in the grou
nd, beckoned by the will of the Almighty. I wanted to ask Omar why he had just left her there all by herself, as I thought about how lonely and scared she must be feeling. ‘Saira!’ I heard Omar shout my name and I flinched, looking up at him and then looked away.

  ‘Omar, getting frustrated is not going to help,’ Layla shouted back at him.

  ‘Why will she not talk, Layla? She’s shut down and not processing any of this.’ I heard Omar and Layla continue talking about me as if I wasn’t even in the room with them. It almost felt surreal, as my conscious mind debated whether or not all this was reality.

  The night was dark, reflecting my myriad thoughts. No matter how much I tried I was unable to stop thinking about her face, her smell, her touch, and how within the space of one day and one night she had taken her last breath and was now in her humble abode along with my beloved Abbuji. All the local well-wishers and villagers had left now and a grotesque silence echoed throughout the entire house, giving substance to my cold reality.

  ‘Saira, I need to leave now. I will be back in the morning,’ Layla said, placing her arm around me as I clutched onto her warmth and nodded. She laid me down, leaving some water by my side, and left. I felt the ghastly silent roar of the house surround me like waves crashing into one another deep in the ocean, and sat up, immediately out of breath. I ran to take shelter in Ammu’s room. Her bed appeared the same as I had left it that morning and the very few belongings she had lay scattered around the room. I picked up her shawl, bringing it up to my nose to inhale her fragrance some more. The entire room held precious memories of her: the place she used to sit, where she used to sleep, where she had prayed. Even the things she had touched today in the exact same place, only she was somewhere else, some place far away, and completely out of my reach. I stood in the centre of the room burying my head in her shawl, trying to preserve as much of her as I physically could.