Until We Meet Again in Jannah

by Laki Khan

  ‘Saira, Saira, what happened?’ I heard him shouting. He sat me down and told me to breathe slowly. After a few minutes my vision gradually cleared and my breathing returned to normal. My palpitating heart began to slow down as I found myself sitting in the kitchen next to Omar, who had now summoned Layla to my assistance. Omar brought me over a glass of water while Layla placed her hand on my shoulder, asking what had happened. Confused about the entire incident, I explained that I had gone for fresh air; then suddenly I began to recall the incident and stopped talking – I did not want to tell them about the scandalous gossip I had been subjected to.

  ‘Why did you go alone, Saira?’ Omar said. ‘Layla, please take Saira inside to rest while I call the doctor,’ he instructed.

  ‘I’m all right now, there is no need for a doctor,’ I said adamantly.

  ‘I will not negotiate about this, Saira,’ he said with an intense look in his eyes. Layla held my arm and led me out of the kitchen. She encouraged me to lie down while she enquired about whether or not I had eaten anything. When I told her I hadn’t she looked at me with disapproval, reminiscent of the exact look that Ammu would have given me. She brought me some juice and dhal soup. I could not stop thinking about the gossip that was slowly spreading, echoing through my system and evoking further questions.

  I began to eat the soup to avoid any more questions from either of them. In my mind I continued to debate whether or not those women had been correct; the fact of the matter was that I was a young woman living with an unmarried man who was no relation to me except through the unfortunate circumstances that had led me and Ammu to this house. My heart skipped a beat at the thought of Hamid; technically we were separated although I knew that he and his family would never give up their search until they found me and summoned me back to the abhorrence I had escaped from. I glanced around the grand house complete with its grand furniture and pondered how much longer I could continue to live here like this. People would begin to gossip and slander me, raising questions about my chastity and dignity. I knew all too well about the mentality of people in our villages, especially regarding the reputation of a young woman. The harsh reality was that I no longer had anybody to call my own and I needed to accept this. I asked God not to attach my heart to something that was not mine, especially this house and my life here. The short time I had spent here with Ammuji had created a bond to this house and to this village. I knew I had to rid my mind of this short-term arrangement, just as I knew that to continue living here like this was an illusion and my reality was someplace far away. How long would it be before Hamid connected the dots and traced me to this house? I questioned. The fear of Omar becoming entangled in this horrific maze sent shivers down my spine.

  Just then I heard the doctor arrive. He entered my room accompanied by Omar and Layla and I quickly gathered my scattered thoughts. ‘Assalamualaikum,’ I greeted him politely. Omar paraphrased the events that had taken place over the last few weeks, finishing by informing him about this morning. The doctor was friendly, smiling at me, and then performed a full examination. He asked me a few questions regarding my health and then turned to Omar and Layla. He concluded I had been traumatised by the loss of my mother, and that it was essential for me to avoid any further stress and tension. I sat quietly whilst Omar walked the doctor out, thanking him repeatedly.

  Omar returned to the room and looked at me. ‘Please, Saira, you really need to start looking after yourself, if not for you then for Ammu’s sake.’ I looked at him and then looked away.

  ‘Saira, you rest for a while,’ Layla told me, and they both walked out of the room.

  For the next few days I was under strict orders to only rest and eat. At times I wandered aimlessly around the house, lost in deep thought. Whenever I offered to help Layla with anything, I had them both to contend with. One evening after dinner I sat in my room unable to sleep. Layla had gone home for the day and Omar had retired to bed. I suddenly felt a rush of anxiety and began to walk around the room, wrapping Ammu’s shawl around me, immersing myself in her fragrance; I missed her so much, beyond any reason or explanation.

  Some days I wanted my heart to stop beating just so I could gain control over my thoughts. I recalled the nasty words of those women at the pond and began to contemplate to what extent they may have been correct. That night I lay in bed for a few hours, ruminating over everything that had happened, and wondered where my life would take me next. I knew that the change I needed to implement was to depart this house, to which I had no real connection. I figured that if today a few ladies were gossiping, perhaps tomorrow the entire village would imply something similar if not far more sinister. I cared very little about my own reputation but felt a huge amount of respect for, and gratitude towards Omar; he was well respected and was a role model in this village and community. The last thing I wanted was for anyone to raise questions about his integrity and reputation, especially because of me. Most of all I needed to protect him from Hamid.

  Early next morning the sound of something pelting towards the front of the house woke me so suddenly that I immediately climbed out of bed as the noise became louder and more repetitive. This was an unfamiliar sound at this time of the morning so I began to walk down the corridor as fast as I could, only to find that objects were being thrown into the house through the gates of the front patio. At first I figured it was children playing, but when I stepped onto the patio it was almost as if I had walked onto a battlefield; there was an angry crowd of villagers I had not seen before who were hurling abuse as they threw stones at me. I raised my hands up to my face in defence. I stood, confused, and a stone struck my hand and my cheek. I cried out in pain and fell to the floor.

  A woman shouted, ‘There she is, she needs to be punished, it’s a good job the fisherman informed us about her real identity.’

  ‘She has defamed her own village and has now come to do the same to ours,’ shouted another villager, and the rest of them cheered on in agreement: ‘Hear, hear.’

  I was terrified. I knew all too well that word had finally reached this village and they had discovered the reason I had been exiled. Many times I had heard that the punishment for women who had brought about shame and defamation was to be stoned to death or set alight, which had happened to a young girl who lived in a nearby village who had decided to marry against her elders’ wishes. I had not thought this would be my fate until I stood with blood dripping from my injured hand. I closed my eyes in surrender to my fate of being returned to Hamid and his horrific family, while the evil cursing continued. I had no one left to protect me, and so I prepared myself to face this wrath.

  ‘Stop, stop this madness right away!’ I startled at the sound of an angry voice. Omar grabbed me by the hand and quickly placed me behind his body, acting as a human shield as the shouting of the angry crowd continued. ‘Stop this or I will have you all removed from my property,’ he shouted back in retaliation, as he protected me with one arm and addressed the crowd with the other.

  ‘She has brought shame to our village and needs punishment. You should not be harbouring her in your house,’ shouted a villager.

  ‘Leave my property or I will have you escorted off if need be – and stay away from her,’ Omar said aggressively, but they continued. I stood embarrassed and ashamed at the state I had been reduced to.

  ‘Who are you to be harbouring this wretched woman in your home?’ came a high-pitched voice that made me tremble in fear. My instincts had been correct and, when I looked up, Amma was standing right in front of me, leading the villagers. ‘How are you related to this wretch, may I ask?’ she demanded of Omar, moving closer to me, screwing her face up all the more. I began to hyperventilate and my hands shook with fear at the mere thought of Hamid and Amma and being escorted back to that place again.

  ‘Whoever I may be, I don’t feel I need to justify that to you,’ he shouted back at her, now standing between Amma and me as a shield.

  ‘She hasn’t informed you that she is married t
o my son, which means I have every right to take her back and that’s what I am here to do.’ Amma laughed in his face.

  ‘Well, if you want to take her back you will have to go through me,’ Omar replied in fury, holding me behind him now, much to the roars of disapproval from the watching crowd.

  ‘What relation do you have with her that you’re going to stop me? She is my daughter-in-law, and little did I know that she has been living here with another man,’ Amma screamed at the top of her voice, defaming me all the more.

  Omar then turned around to address the crowd of villagers. ‘Did you know that it is illegal to demand dowry, and this lady has been demanding unreasonable amounts of dowry from Saira, consequently making her life miserable? I have heard that the police are treating such cases with special care and handing out punishments to people who demand monetary items in the form of dowry. In my opinion I think this lady should be handed over to the police. What do you all think?’

  The entire crowd went quiet until one lady spoke very timidly. ‘We all have daughters and demanding dowry is wrong and she needs to be punished.’ This was then repeated by many other villagers.

  ‘Omar, we trust you to hand her over to the police,’ shouted an elderly wise man, much to Amma’s protests. Omar then suggested the crowd disperse, which they gradually did. I stood on the patio barely breathing beside Omar; Amma was furiously staring at us both.

  ‘How dare you lie?’ she said scornfully to him.

  ‘How dare you come to my village and my home and threaten Saira like this? You heard what the villagers said – they want me to hand you over to the police, and I am sure you have heard the punishment for people who demand dowry these days,’ he told her.

  ‘You wretch of a woman,’ Amma spat at me as I held my hands up to cover my face.

  ‘That’s enough.’ He intervened, guarding me with his body. ‘Leave this village right now, and if I ever see you here again or anywhere near Saira, I will personally hand you over to the authorities,’ he warned. At once Amma frowned and walked away, much to my relief. Omar closed the grill gates and guided me into the kitchen, where he washed my bloodstained wrist. He then handed me some ice to place on my swollen cheek that was slowly turning from blue to purple. I stood shaking in disbelief and shock.

  ‘It’s okay, Saira, you’re safe now. I won’t let anything happen to you,’ he assured me. I was unable to make eye contact with him; what was I to tell him? I was embarrassed more than anything. How could I possibly explain what had just happened? I took some deep breaths as he handed me some water with a couple of painkillers. ‘These will help, Saira,’ he said softly.

  I looked at him and said, ‘I’m terribly sorry for all this, it is entirely my fault.’

  ‘You have nothing to feel sorry about,’ he said steadily.

  ‘Will you not ask…’ I began to say, hesitantly.

  ‘I need no explanation or justification from you, Saira. You stay here, while I go and speak with those unreasonable people,’ he said, and left.

  I was terrified, thinking of what may have occurred had Omar not intervened. The audacity of these villagers devastated me and I cried out in pain and despair. If only Ammu was here. ‘She would know just what to do,’ I cried out.

  Omar returned a short while later to find me sitting in the same spot he had left me in. ‘Are you okay?’ he asked. ‘Does it hurt?’

  ‘I’m okay, thank you,’ I replied.

  ‘They won’t bother you anymore, Saira. I assure you, they are just a minority. I promise to keep you safe here,’ he said with assurance, and retired to his room.

  This ordeal had only strengthened my belief that leaving this house was what I needed to do. With that thought in mind I began to pack the very few belongings I had. I planned to talk with Omar and explain my concerns to him prior to leaving the next morning. I began by collecting a few of Ammuji’s items that were still scattered around the room and placed them carefully into a bag; these items held myriad precious memories that I wanted to preserve until my last breath. I then opened her cupboard carefully and her aroma hit me like a gust of fresh air. I closed my eyes, momentarily wishing away the horrific memories of today.

  I noticed the carrier bag still lying on the bottom shelf and picked it up curiously. As soon as I touched it I recalled her exact words the night before her sudden demise. I remembered how she had told me that she had left a bag which contained something of mine in it. I recalled how she had told me that I would know when to open it. I held the bag in my hand, perplexed by the secrecy of it. It began to feel as if she knew she would not be around, hence she had left behind a precious keepsake. I wondered whether or not I should open the bag, as she had specifically mentioned that I would know when the time was right. I wondered what she had meant and what may have been going through her mind at the time.

  After an internal deliberation, the option of opening the bag won. My initial reaction was a gasp of awe, followed by sobs. As I held up the ivory gown, the scattered shiny golden stones and beads sparkled across the ceiling and walls of the entire room. I held it up in admiration. Its beauty was still intact, just as it had been when Ammu presented it to me the very first time, just before my Nikkah to Hamid. It was the very same dress that my Abbuji had gifted to her for her Nikkah, which they then gifted to me for mine. At the bottom of the bag lay the antique gold coloured necklace, with its many sparkly stones lighting up the room with their beauty, which Ammu had purchased herself. I sat and sobbed at the evidence of my mother’s love for me. I recalled how she had carried this bag close to her chest when we had left our beloved home, Jahed Pur; little did I then know the depths of her maternal love. Her love was so unconditional that even when she became bed bound, she had not forgotten this bag and managed to tell me about it. A few weeks into my marriage to Hamid I had sent the gown to Ammu for safe keeping, as the extended relatives had begun to take a liking to it. I knew that Ammu would be the best person to preserve this dress for me just the way she had been doing all these years. I wondered if perhaps she had known that God was calling her. I did not know what use I would have for this gown now, though, apart from as another memory for me to cherish.

  The house was unclean, with fluttering cobwebs in almost every corner as I hadn’t dusted for a long time, so I planned to clean and dust prior to leaving the next morning. I woke early to find all my bags still intact in the corner of the room. I began with prayer, submitting all the worries I held deep within me to God Almighty, and in return asked for courage, strength, patience and peace. The new path I was about to embark on today, I knew, would involve great difficulties and tribulations. I would bid farewell to this house and be alone once again, with no abode and no destination, just courage, strength, patience and an immensely strong faith in God to make everything well once again.

  Dawn had passed now, giving way to daylight; another beautiful day as the sun shone upon the entire village. I listened for one final time as the sleeping village gradually came to life; sounds of people, cattle, birds, children singing and the fresh smell of soil under the open blue skies of my native land. Today I had woken with a great purpose. I recalled my goal for the day and began to dust all the rooms one by one, beating out all the cobwebs. I then scrubbed the floors with soap and water until they were immaculate and shiny. Just then Omar walked into the kitchen to find me vigorously scrubbing the stove.

  ‘Morning, Saira,’ he said softly.

  ‘Morning,’ I replied, full of self-motivation.

  ‘How’s your hand?’ he asked, looking at my bandaged wrist.

  ‘It’s fine,’ I replied. He walked away with the look of disapproval on his face. I prepared breakfast for him, a task that I had not undertaken for some time, and recalled how he used to sit with Ammu at this time of the morning immersed in conversation, and how much I used to enjoy listening to their chatter filled with laughter and happiness. I continued to tidy the rest of the house while Omar wandered around aimlessly, and neither of u
s broached the subject of the previous day’s ordeal. It was as if we were both attempting to erase it from our minds altogether.

  It was nearly midday and the sun was shining brightly into the kitchen, gleaming all over the tiled floor, pots and utensils. I thought now would be the best time to leave, as I would need to find somewhere to sleep for the night. I felt a deep surge of sadness overtake me. I was sad to leave – devastated to part with the memories of my mother that were embedded deeply into the concrete walls of this house. One by one I recalled all that had happened here, the things she had said, the places where she had walked. I thought of the dinner table and how the three of us would congregate here every evening telling stories about our lives. I locked away the memories deep within my heart, which was now almost like a deep ocean filled with secrets waiting to be discovered. I took a walk to the front patio and glanced around. I saw Layla collecting water in a kholosh with sticks in the other hand, as Khadijah walked beside her, amused by the splashes of water on the ground. I intended to say goodbye to her and wanted to thank her for all she had done for me over the last few days; after all, I was a complete stranger to whom she had shown loyal support when I had needed it the most.

  I walked into the room that was mine and Ammu’s and touched the place she used to sit, almost as if I could still smell her. I exhaled, feeling lost and abandoned, I knew that my life needed to continue, but in which direction? I felt I was in an emotional spiral, slowly losing control. I carried my packed bags into the kitchen, carefully placing them near the back courtyard door and taking a final look around while I searched for Omar. I sat on a chair, staring down at the shiny tiles, oblivious to the fact that he had walked in.

  ‘You’ve sorted through Ammu’s clothes – you should have asked me to help,’ he said in a soft voice.

  I looked at him, bewildered, and said, ‘It’s not just Ammu’s clothes.’ He looked perplexed. ‘I have been meaning to speak to you all day,’ I began and he sat down immediately, giving me his undivided attention.