Until We Meet Again in Jannah

by Laki Khan

  ‘Absolutely,’ I assured him, and smiled.

  Chapter 18 – Nikkah

  I swept the front patio, which appeared to be in great need of a deep clean as the dust flew up into the air, sticking to my sweaty face. I heard laughter through the grill gates of the courtyard and could just about see Layla throwing a ball into the air, playing with her daughter. This made me smile and I immediately thought of Ammuji and Abbuji; how much I missed and longed for them.

  ‘Saira, Saira,’ I heard Omar call out to me. ‘What’s wrong?’ he enquired. I was completely oblivious to the fact that I was sitting down on the patio, dust covered, holding a broom. ‘What’s happened, did they come back?’ he asked as he stood me up and guided me to a chair. I sat down and Omar brought me a glass of water and offered me his handkerchief. ‘Take a sip, it’s okay,’ he said gently as I wiped away my tears. We sat in silence for a few minutes and he handed me the glass of water again, offering me relief from the humidity, although the emotional turbulence remained the same. ‘I guess asking if you’re okay would be an irrelevant question,’ he said softly.

  ‘No, it wouldn’t be. I’m really sorry. I’m just being silly,’ I replied, rubbing my eyes.

  ‘It’s not silly to miss your loved ones,’ he said. He knew me better than anyone else so it came as no surprise that he was able to analyse and hear the thoughts in my head well before I had expressed them. I briefly looked into his concerned eyes and then looked away.

  ‘I saw Layla playing with her daughter and I guess it made me a little emotional, sorry,’ I explained to him.

  ‘It’s absolutely fine,’ he replied. ‘Look, Saira, I can only imagine how heartbreaking this must be for you – you’re still grieving and then dealing with all this stuff. I wish that I could make it all better.’

  ‘I want you to feel assured that I will take care of you to the very best of my ability,’ he said as I nodded in submission. ‘I need to pop out for a short while – will you be all right? Abdullah and Layla are around if you need anything,’ he said.

  ‘Yes, thank you,’ I assured him. I watched him walk down the concrete pathway until he finally disappeared behind the big pond. I sat in contemplation for a short while, uncertain about many things in my life, and pondered about where this journey would take me. The one thing I was absolutely sure about was that Omar was a man of outstanding character both internally and externally, who led life with the guidance of immaculate principles and morals. My heart longed for Sumayah, to see her and to tell her about my decision to bind my life to Omar through marriage. I wondered whether or not she would approve, and I even contemplated visiting her. I quickly abandoned this idea, though, because I knew as much joy as it would bring to me, she would most probably receive nothing but taunts from her father and the villagers.

  It was nearly midday as I continued dusting and sweeping the front and back rooms. I then sat on the bed in Ammu’s room, in the place she used to lie, and took out her shawl from under my pillow, embracing her fragrance. I figured she would be happy with my alliance with Omar as in a way she had already given her blessing. With that thought in mind I spent the rest of the day cleaning the windows and washing pots that had been left in various places around the house, and prepared our evening meal.

  The day had gone by so quickly and before I knew it, it was twilight. I sat down on the bench on the front patio looking out onto the village; it was peaceful and serene at this time. I enjoyed looking at the beauty of the sun setting for the night and watched how the colours in the heavens above gradually meshed into each other. They changed from orange to yellow with bits of red, then grey, and then finally darkness loomed with the glitter and sparkle of the beaming moon decorated with an array of silver stars. I smiled as I watched Layla collect her daughter’s toys to take them in for the night. I relished the sound of cattle being ushered into their huts and women hurrying their children inside and then washing tiny dust-covered hands and feet, just as Ammu used to usher Sumayah and me indoors as soon as the sun had set. Suddenly the village was quiet in the darkness of the night, the only visible light coming from inside the houses accompanied by the indistinct voices of people talking indoors. I wondered where Omar was, and anxiously anticipated his return home.

  Just then I heard the door open and close, followed by Omar’s reassuring footsteps. I waited a few minutes to compose myself and then walked into the kitchen and began to serve dinner for us both. ‘I’m sorry, I should have told you I would be returning late,’ he said.

  ‘It’s okay,’ I replied.

  ‘Shall we eat?’ He gestured at the table and I nodded in agreement. I stared at the chair that Ammu used to sit in and then calmly looked away. ‘Saira,’ I heard Omar say, bringing my attention back to dinner. ‘I went to visit Mesabji Chacha today to ask him about whether he would be able to conduct our Nikkah. He has agreed to come over tomorrow morning – is that all right with you?’ he asked. I nodded in agreement, only my mind was someplace far away. We ate together in an awkward silence. Omar assisted me to clear the table and then retired to bed. I lay down in the spot Ammuji used to sleep in, feeling strange; it was a feeling I was unable to explain or express. How could I do this without her? How could I start such a significant chapter as this in my life without her advice, support and guidance? The questions continued in my mind almost like an erupting volcano that refused to subside.

  The next day I opened my eyes to the sunlight gradually breaking into the house through the window. Almost immediately I felt the panic return, but today it seemed deeper and stronger with a profound purpose. Today was the day my Nikkah to Omar would be solemnised. I lay in bed listening to the many sounds that surrounded me: the chirping of birds, the herding of animals, the clatter of pots and pans, the splashing of water in the big pond as the children laughed. There was a gentle knock on my door, which surprised me. I sat up and wrapped my scarf around my face, expecting it to be Omar, and called out, ‘Come in.’

  ‘Good morning,’ said Layla with excitement in her voice. She was standing in front of me wearing a big smile that went right across her face.

  ‘Hi, Layla,’ I said to her.

  ‘Don’t look so shocked to see me…’ she began.

  ‘Sorry, I didn’t expect to see you here this early, that’s all,’ I explained.

  ‘Omar has given me the great news and requested I assist you with getting ready this morning, if that’s all right with you?’ Layla said.

  ‘Sure, I would really like that,’ I said with a knot right in the middle of my gut which I struggled to undo. Layla smiled and walked out of the room, saying she would return shortly. She was lovely, always smiling, and in many ways she reminded me of Sumayah. She returned carrying soup and ginger tea. ‘Somebody told me that you like ginger tea, so I have prepared you a little breakfast. It’s going to be an adventurous day and we need you to stay fit and healthy.’ She handed me the bowl of lentil soup and pointed at the cup of tea. How ironic that Layla was attempting to do the job that Ammu would have done. She opened the windows to a hot and humid day with very little breeze. I heard Omar talking to another man who sounded like Mesabji Chacha.

  ‘Is that…?’ I asked Layla.

  ‘Yes, he’s already here, so as soon as you finish we need to get you all ready for Omar who is waiting eagerly,’ she continued. I looked at her and looked away, as I began to feel the intensity of my palpitating heart. I sat quietly, deep in thought, as Layla braided my hair and tied it up into a high bridal bun, attaching silver diamanté clips all through the braid. I was painfully reminded of Hamid by the repetition of this process.

  ‘Does that feel okay?’ she asked, and I nodded in silence and compelled my mind to detach itself from the ordeal of those horrific memories. ‘What are you going to wear, Saira?’ she asked. I walked over to the cupboard and handed her the bag. Layla took out the dress and placed it against my body; her jaw dropped in awe of its beauty. ‘This is absolutely beautiful, Saira,’ she gasped.
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br />   ‘Yes, you’re right,’ I said, choking back tears. ‘This is the dress that my father gifted to my mother to wear for her Nikkah, and before she… died, she gave it back to me,’ I said, fighting back the tears.

  ‘Oh, Saira, sit down.’ Layla comforted me, placing her arm around my shoulder. I took deep breaths to compose myself. ‘Saira, I know how hard this must be for you, but I also remember how fond of Omar Ammu was, and I think if she were here today she would have been the first person to choose him as your life partner,’ she said, to which I nodded in agreement. ‘Now come on, let’s sort your face out.’ She laughed.

  I sat as Layla applied make-up to my face, helped me to get into the dress and then placed the glittering necklace around my bare neck. She then instructed me to stand up while she gently placed the matching off-white scarf over my braided bun, clipping it in gently as the delicate net swayed downwards over my hair. It felt as if I was covered in an array of scattered diamonds and made a significant change to my normal attire of dust-filled cotton dresses. ‘Oh my, Saira, you look absolutely mind blowing, so beautiful,’ Layla screeched. ‘Close your eyes,’ she instructed and walked me over to the other side of the room. ‘Now open them,’ she said softly. I opened my eyes to find myself standing in front of the long mirror right in the back of my room. The flattering layered white chiffon gown took my breath away; it was still a perfect fit and the layers of fabric swayed from side to side as I walked. The netted sleeves felt soft and smooth against my skin. The diamanté stones shone in the mirror like a moonlit night. My hair was neat and tidy and my make-up immaculate – it had a finish of pink lipstick and glittery silver eyeshadow, and there were no marigolds, much to my relief. The net scarf over my head was soft and sparkly, and I could almost smell Ammuji within this dress; I indulged in the realisation that she too had worn this very same dress for the very same occasion. Although I had worn it before, this time felt surreal and special and much more meaningful, marking the significance of the day ahead.

  Layla took my hand in hers and said, ‘Are you ready?’ I nodded, looking down at the layers of fabric touching the floor as I walked. ‘If she were to see you today she would have been extremely happy,’ said Layla. I nodded again, blinking away the tears that were welling in my eyes. ‘Shall we go, Saira? They will be waiting.’ I took a deep breath and placed one foot in front of the other, as Layla walked beside me holding on to my arm in support.

  A rush of anxiety went through me and I began to gasp for air; then I watched the layers of fabric swaying with each step, letting out my Ammuji’s fragrance for me to immerse myself in. We walked along the corridor and into Omar’s room, which today seemed to take an awfully long time. I held on to Layla tightly, unsure of whether or not it was to stop myself from falling or to reassure myself that I was doing the right thing. As usual, Layla remained calm, instructing me to take deep breaths. We entered Omar’s room and my vision became a little blurry, and then returned to normal as I balanced my breathing.

  Omar was sitting in a chair wearing a traditional white, subtly decorated kaftan. I saw him look at me, captivated, and then look away as my eyes met his. Abdullah sat close with his daughter and raised his hand up to greet me, while Khadijah babbled away.

  ‘My dearest Saira, you have made a very wise decision, and if your parents were here today they would have been extremely proud,’ said Mesabji Chacha, placing his hand on my head. I couldn’t help but cry. ‘No, my dear, don’t upset yourself. Your father would be very proud that you have chosen Omar,’ he said, wiping away my tears. Layla guided me to sit as Omar pulled forward a chair, placing it next to him. A part of me still couldn’t believe I was marrying Omar. Mesabji Chacha began the ceremony by taking consent from us both and then recited the blessed prayer. He then spoke a little about the values and principles that needed to be instilled into a marriage such as mutual respect, trust, taking care of one another, communication, supporting and guiding one another. He explained that these attributes would support us in building a solid unbreakable foundation based on love and trust. I listened to his words carefully, as they reflected the relationship of my parents.

  ‘You’re married – yippee!’ Layla shouted in an attempt to make everyone laugh.

  ‘Yes, they most certainly are,’ said Mesabji Chacha, smiling. Omar looked at me and smiled. I smiled back and noticed the elation in his eyes that lit up his entire face.

  ‘It’s time for lunch – everyone in the kitchen,’ Layla instructed, and we all followed her. I offered to help her serve the food, but she declined, insisting I stay seated next to Omar, so I sat down beside him. I watched as everybody chatted and laughed with joy as Layla excitedly served lunch. Although I was surrounded by happiness, I couldn’t feel the same, no matter how much I tried. We ate lunch together and then congregated outside for warm tea. I watched all three men play with Layla’s baby as I sat in the shade, shielding myself from the heat, which only seemed to heighten in my gown. I saw Omar cuddling the baby and she laughed; it seemed he enjoyed the company of children.

  ‘How is our bride doing?’ I heard Layla ask as she sat down beside me.

  ‘Thank you, Layla, for everything,’ I told her.

  ‘Don’t be silly, I am so glad that Omar has you as his wife. You two are truly made for each other,’ she stated. ‘Saira, the concern he has for you, I see that in your eyes, too. Allow yourself to be happy with him and entrust everything else to the Almighty,’ she said kindly and I smiled in appreciation. We spent the entire afternoon out in the courtyard immersed in conversation and laughter, in my case listening to everyone as Layla served us all snacks and cold drinks every so often. Layla was nothing short of inspirational; they had very little wealth but they appeared to be extremely happy and blessed in so many ways; the three of them shared an immense amount of love, almost a solace from this cruel world.

  Before I knew it, dusk had approached announcing the end of what had been a memorable day, with some moments of sadness. Layla and Abdullah left with their exhausted little bundle of joy, followed by Mesabji Chacha, who placed his hand on my head, smiled sweetly and said, ‘My dear Saira, always stay happy and smiling. I know that Omar will take good care of you.’ He bade farewell to us both and disappeared into the wilderness of the night, another reminder that my life was now moving rapidly away from my beloved Jahed Pur and all the memories that were attached to it, especially my Abbuji and Ammuji.

  ‘Saira,’ I heard Omar call from the hallway. ‘I can make a start on clearing up in the kitchen, if you want to rest a while. It’s been an eventful day,’ he said. I smiled and nodded and walked into my room feeling lonely and isolated. I went to the mirror and stared at my reflection. I could hardly believe that we were now married; this thought invoked a new anxiety within me, a new fear, one that I was unable to explain. A part of me felt as if I was in a parallel world, where I would suddenly wake up and find Ammuji right beside me, but deep down I knew that this house and Omar were my new reality – perhaps in many ways a new-found absolution. Choking back unwanted tears I slid out of the dress and neatly placed it back into the cupboard, just the way Ammu had kept it all these years; this was one memory of her that I would never let go of. When I returned to the kitchen Omar was attempting to wash up the remaining utensils.

  ‘Omar, I can finish up now, thank you,’ I said.

  ‘We can finish it together, Saira,’ he replied. I secretly wished he wouldn’t treat me this well; I felt undeserving and unworthy of him. A sudden awkwardness seemed to overtake us both, and I wondered if this was perhaps normal considering the unusual circumstances. ‘Saira,’ he said, and I turned to look at him. ‘Can we talk for a few minutes?’ he asked.

  ‘Of course,’ I replied; he gestured towards the table, and I followed and sat down beside him.

  ‘I noticed that you seem a little uncomfortable and I don’t want you to feel like that. Just because we are now married does not mean that our relationship has to change. What I mean is, I don�
��t expect anything different from you or expect you to behave in a certain way or do certain things. I would much rather we stay as we are. This bond that we have is special and I don’t want our friendship to change. I don’t want you to feel that you have to change. We don’t even have to share a room – you can stay in yours – so please don’t look so overwhelmed. I want you to feel safe.’ Again he had exceeded all my expectations; he never ceased to amaze me. The way he had been able to comprehend my thoughts only lured me closer to him a little more each time. This was another confirmation that perhaps the Almighty had moulded us to dwell together as one soul.

  ‘Thank you,’ I whispered, teary-eyed.

  ‘No, please don’t cry,’ he said.

  ‘I’m not,’ I said and smiled again.

  ‘Okay. I’m a little tired so I’m going to bed. I will see you in the morning – and by the way, you looked absolutely beautiful today,’ he added, prior to retiring to his room. Admittedly I felt relieved and the internal burden began to feel a little lighter. I walked out onto the front veranda; the dark night was warm with a humid breeze. My mind and body were exhausted as I contemplated where I should lay my head to rest tonight. I headed to my room and then realised that Omar may think I was regretting my decision, and that was something I wanted to avoid. So I took a deep strong breath and made my way towards Omar’s room, and with an inner strength I never knew I possessed I pushed open the door. Every one of my senses was elevated. Much to my relief Omar appeared to be deep in sleep, his angelic face calm and peaceful. Carefully I crept into the space next to him, almost holding in my breath in fear of waking him. I reflected on the entire day, analysing my past and contemplated what my future would bring. I stared at Omar’s sleeping face; he was beautiful. He was truly the definition of loyalty; he chose to stand by me through my most difficult times. In a way a part of me was relieved that we had missed the honeymoon phase of marriage. Most people had told me that this phase was the most difficult, because expectations were extremely high on both sides, which often led to conflict and the desire to change each other rather than embrace the differences along with the similarities. Fortunately Omar and I did not have any differing expectations of one another and neither did we want to change each other; it appeared that imperfect had become perfect. Most of all he made me feel safe – something I had not experienced in a very long time. With that thought in mind I drifted into a deep sleep.