Starting Over (New Beginnings #1)

by Gillian Joy

  "What did he do with the three bullets baby?" Connor asked, he'd stopped rubbing her back by now and simply held her.

  "He put the three bullets into the barrel and spun it, you know, as if he was going to play Russian roulette. Then he put the gun into my mouth. I didn't think he'd do it, I really didn't, but he pulled the trigger..."

  Holy fuck…! Connor thought, he didn't have a chance to say anything though because Ash continued talking between the tears and the sobbing.

  "He told me 'If you ever leave me again it won't just be a fifty percent chance.' Then he pulled the trigger again."

  Connor held her tighter as she continued. The story was coming now, and it was coming fast.

  "'Do you understand me?' He’d asked. What was I supposed to do, I was terrified, I was crying so hard I couldn't even see; I nodded. 'Do you?' He screamed at me. I nodded more vigorously, I couldn't answer. I had a god damned gun shoved in my mouth. But he still pulled the trigger one more time. 'You're one lucky bitch, you know that right?' He said to me as he opened the barrel and pulled the three bullets back out again. 'God must really love you.' He said, right before he had sex with me."

  "He raped you?" Connor asked, horrified at her tale and fury seething beneath his slowly cracking calm exterior.

  Ash just shook her head, "No, I never said no. I never said no to him again. I never back chatted, I never argued, I accepted his constant criticism and never gave him an excuse to put a gun in my mouth again."

  "Oh baby..." Connor said as he held her close. "That is not consensual sex. That is rape in its worst form."

  Ash shook her head. "I never said no."

  "That doesn't matter, one iota. That is wrong on so many levels. My God Ash, no wonder you're scared of him. I want to take my bare hands and strangle him right now. I can't tell you how badly I want to go to that man and beat him absolutely senseless."

  Ash muttered quietly. "That's not the worst of it."

  "Oh my God Ash, what else did he do?" he couldn't imagine how it could possibly get any worse.

  Ash could see Connor fuming; she could feel the tenseness in his muscles, she could hear the ragged breaths he was trying to control.

  "Remember I said that while I was pregnant everything changed?"

  Connor nodded.

  "But as soon as they were born it all went back to the way it was again; only worse if that's possible. When the girls were about six months old, I decided I couldn't do it anymore. I'd really had enough, I felt like a shell of a person, not even simply surviving, it was worse than that even. Anyway, I tried to leave again. I'd packed up the girls’ stuff in the car, and packed a small suitcase. I wasn't taking anything other than the bare essentials. For some reason Mark came home at lunchtime, just as I'd gone back upstairs to get the girls. Five more minutes and he would have missed me and I would have been gone. I was heading interstate, I had no idea where I'd end up but I was going. I had next to no money but I didn't care, I'd made up my mind. I was leaving. But it didn't happen. He came home as I was getting the girls out of their cribs. He'd noticed the car had been packed as he came in, and he'd already picked up the gun. He came into the girls’ room as I was about to pick up Beth. He walked straight over to Sarah's crib and stood beside it before I even noticed him. 'Put her back down Ash.' He said to me as he waved the gun at me. I froze Connor. I didn't know what to do. I saw that gun and I was terrified. 'Put her down Ash,' he said to me again. 'Put her down and go and unload the car. Then get your arse straight back up here. I'll be waiting.' He said, spinning the barrel of the gun again. I hadn't seen it since the girls were born, I guess I'd become complacent about what he might do, but seeing the gun I raced straight down to the garage and emptied the car again. There was never any question about me leaving without the girls, but I was so terrified of what might happen to them if he did actually kill me then. I was shaking uncontrollably when I walked back into the room. He pulled out only two bullets this time, I was sure they were both meant for me. He put both the bullets in the barrel and spun it again before lowering the gun into the crib and placing it in Sarah's mouth..."

  Ash was shaking uncontrollably and Connor had no idea how to comfort her.

  "I begged him, I screamed at him. I cried. But as I raced towards him to grab the gun, he pulled the trigger. The click tore my heart in half Connor, I couldn't breathe, I couldn't think, I couldn't do anything as I dropped to the floor sobbing uncontrollably. I couldn't even watch him as he walked over to Beth's crib and repeated the process again. I was numb by then. He left me there, on the floor, sobbing uncontrollably. He said, 'Next time Ash, I'll double the odds in my favour.' Then he left us and I raced to the girls and grabbed both of them and sat in the middle of their bedroom floor crying uncontrollably for hours. I was still sitting there when Mark got home again that afternoon, but he must have figured he'd achieved what he needed. He didn't even come in, he ordered take out Chinese for dinner and left mine on the kitchen cupboard. I didn't eat it. I found it the next morning when I eventually ventured downstairs, but I never even so much as questioned him again. I did what he asked when he asked after that, until the day he left...I understand if you don't want anything else to do with me. What sort of mother am I?"

  "Don't you dare, Ash! Don't you dare even think about putting yourself down! I can't believe how strong you are. I have no idea how you managed to keep going after something like that. I can't even fathom how you are still here, how you managed to remain such a beautiful strong person."

  Ash shook as she sobbed against him and Connor held her tight.

  Connor held her in his arms in an absolute state of shock, fury and disgust. If she wasn't sobbing uncontrollably in his arms right now, he would be tracking down that bastard and beating the ever living shit out of him. The only thing keeping him in place right then was one very beautiful, very strong woman. He only semi wished he hadn't asked her what had happened. He hated to see her in so much pain, but he was glad he knew what had happened.

  Once she started to calm down a little he broached the subject once more, even though he was sure she still wasn't going to agree.

  "Ash, I think we should tell the police about this."

  He immediately felt her start shaking again and knew he should have kept his damned mouth shut.

  "No." She murmured as he pulled her tighter in his arms.

  "Okay, forget about it, forget I said anything. I won't mention it again okay? Ash, come back to me Babe."

  "I'm here, I'm okay." She murmured, pulling herself together again. "I can't tell the police Connor; I can't talk about it. Okay? Please don't ask me again. Please don't ask me to repeat that story ever again."

  Connor shook his head while he rubbed his hand gently back and forth across her back.

  "I won't mention it again Ash, I'll never ask you to repeat that story ever again. But only if you promise me that if you do want to talk about it, or if you want a hug, then you'll tell me, you'll come to me, you'll talk to me. I don't care what it is, please come to me."

  Ash nodded as she rolled over and moulded her body against his, wrapping her leg over his, her whole body was open to him, and he knew exactly what she needed to make her feel better, and take her mind off that dark tale and bring her back to the present. Connor lowered his head over hers and started gently brushing his mouth across her lips, although it didn't stay gentle for long.

  It took Connor ages before he was able to fall asleep. He had wrapped Ash up in his arms and she had snuggled her back into him and drifted off almost straight away. There is something to be said for mental exhaustion. Then he laid there thinking about the story she'd told. He was angry and upset, and even in the middle of the night it took everything he had not to track down the dirty slimy arsehole and play Russian roulette with him. He wanted to pick Hayden up and go and track the bastard down. Every time he closed his eyes he saw her, handcuffed to the bed with a gun in her mouth and his anger increased. He had promised her she didn't have to spe
ak about it again, but he still thought it would be a good idea to let Senior Sergeant Callum know what had gone on, even though they probably wouldn't be able to do anything about it. Eventually, sometime in the early hours of the morning, he drifted off.

  ****

  Ash was conscious of the fact that there was another security officer sitting outside her house right now. Gus, apparently, they had changed shifts sometime in the early hours of the morning. She thought about going out and introducing herself, but she was busy organising breakfast for the girls, packing school bags and lunches and she had already made it clear she didn't want the girls to know there was any sort of problem. They weren't to even know there was security following her. Liam had promised her there was no way the girls would know about them. If they mentioned anything at all he wanted to know immediately because it meant somebody wasn't doing their job properly and heads would roll.

  Gus was supposed to do the ten pm till six am shift, but had stepped in this morning to relieve Lydia, who had started last night. Jamie was supposed to be available from two this afternoon, and cover until ten after which Lydia would do the six am till two pm stint, the three of them covering the full twenty-four hours. Ash recited their names over and over in her head while she made the girls lunches.

  Connor came up behind her and wrapped his arms around her stomach and kissed the back of her neck.

  "Hi Connor," Sarah said as she poured milk over her cereal.

  "Hey girls. Did you have fun last night at Bianca's?"

  "Yeah."

  "Hey Connor?" Beth asked looking up from her breakfast.

  "Yes Beth?"

  "Are you sexing our Mum?"

  Connor had just put the coffee Ash had handed to him up to his mouth to take a sip and almost choked on it.

  "What!"

  "Beth." Ash shouted, maybe a little louder than she should have. "What?" Where? Why?"

  Connor was a bit calmer, having gotten over the initial shock faster.

  "Beth, why would you ask that?"

  "Well Adam said, that when you stay over for a sleep, it's because you're sexing."

  "Adam said?"

  Connor looked at Ash, pleading with his eyes for her to let him sort it out before hating Adam.

  "Yeah, last night."

  "Beth, did Adam tell you what sexing was?" Ash asked.

  "Yeah, he said it's when you kiss and do other icky grown up stuff."

  Ash sighed with relief that at least it wasn't a full explanation. She turned back to Connor, "How about I deal with this; you can go and call Deb?"

  "Or I can deal with this, and you can call Deb?"

  Ash raised her eyebrows in question.

  "Or you can deal with this, and I'll go call Deb." Connor said quickly, walking back towards the bedroom while he pulled his phone out of his pocket.

  Ash sat down at the table with the girls.

  "Do you two like sleeping together, in the same room?"

  "Yes." They both answered expectantly.

  "Well, sometimes it's nice for Mummy to have someone to keep her company at night too."

  Sarah and Beth glanced back and forth between them.

  "You can sleep with us Mummy." Sarah said.

  "Or we can come and sleep with you." Beth added, "We won’t mind."

  "Or we can take it in turns." Sarah continued.

  Ash sighed.

  "Don't you like Connor staying over at night?"

  Sarah and Beth looked back and forth between themselves again. Then they shrugged.

  "We don't mind Mummy." Sarah said.

  "Connor’s nice. We like him." Beth added.

  "He can stay if you want him to, but he doesn't have to because you are lonely, we can sleep with you. Just so you know." Sarah said.

  "But we still want him to visit, we like him." Beth said.

  "But you don't want him to stay?" Ash questioned, she was determined to find out if the girls were comfortable with him sleeping over.

  "No, we like him staying. You wake up happy in the morning. Not grumpy like you usually are."

  "I am not grumpy in the morning." Ash chided.

  Sarah and Beth both rolled their eyes and it took all Ash had not to laugh outright at them.

  "Okay then you two. Connor can keep staying, now grab your bags; let’s get you to school. Quick, quick or we'll be late.

  ****

  Connor’s conversation with Deb was short and painless. He quickly explained what happened, and once she got over her initial horror, she couldn't stop laughing. When she finally got the laughter under control, she promised to have a quiet word with Adam about appropriate conversations to have with young girls. Connor was quietly concerned about Adam’s behaviour of late, but he didn't broach that subject with Deb, he left it the way it was for the time being.

  He was about to finish up his conversation with Deb anyway when the girls come racing in to say goodbye, before heading off to school. He quickly ended his call to Deb and pocketed his phone.

  "Done?" Ash asked.

  "Yeah, she'll talk to him about it. You're off?"

  "Yep." She answered as she placed a chaste goodbye kiss on his cheek.

  Connor reached out before she could run off, and slipping his arm around her waist he pulled her closer and stepped the kiss up. The girls had already run off to the car, so the kiss held passion and promises.

  "Bye." Ash whispered when he finally let her go.

  "Are you going straight to work?" Connor asked.

  Ash nodded in reply. She was struggling to control her thoughts enough to string a sentence together.

  "I'll come back tonight. Is that okay?" He asked hopefully.

  "Sure." She replied.

  "Cool, I'll see you then."

  ****

  Alone in Ash's kitchen, Connor contemplated his conversation with Senior Sergeant Callum before he headed into the record label to discuss the upcoming promotions they wanted him to do for the album. He knew before even calling that there probably wouldn't be much the police could do about it. But he had still hoped they could do something at least. Tyson had patiently explained that the best they could hope for would be possession of an illegal firearm, if he even still had the gun, and if they could find it. However, based solely on Ash's word, they wouldn't even be able to procure a warrant to search for it in the first place. Without some sort of proof, there wasn't much they could do about it. Connor hadn't expected more, but still he'd hoped.

  ****

  Tyson Callum was fuming when he got off the phone to Connor. At least that explained why the woman was so terrified of her ex-husband. What sort of animal does that sort of thing, especially to his own baby? That's some seriously sick shit there. He typed up the report for the file, as much as he knew there wasn't anything they could do about it. He had to make sure it was all recorded for future reference and as soon as he was done he left a copy on his boss's desk, in case there were some favours he could pull to get something to happen after all. He knew the dirt bag would be sitting back behind the desk in his office before lunch today and it made him sick to the stomach. At least he felt marginally better knowing Connor Maise was in a position to provide protection for Ash, although as a police officer, he'd feel much better if they could do it.

  ****

  Chapter 23

  "Ash Cross, call on line three, Ash Cross line three." The voice came over the PA system through the store speakers. Ash sighed as she stood up from the bottom rows of shoes she had been restocking. She stretched before making her way to the store room out the back to pick up the nearest phone. Her thoughts had been playing over how fortunately uneventful the last few weeks had been. The security following her had blended unnoticed into the back-ground, even she mostly forgot they were even there. And the court date for the intervention order against Mark was close approaching - only a couple of weeks away - it made her sick to the stomach every time she thought about having to face him.

  "Hello?" Ash answered as she pl
aced the phone up to her ear.

  "Hello Ash." The voice replied. Ash's heart jumped into her throat as she froze in terror.

  "You've been very difficult to contact. That Dick you've been cheating on me with seems pretty determined that I don't get to talk to my own wife."

  "I'm not your wife." Ash answered quietly when she managed to swallow her fear and find her voice.

  "You'll always be my wife." Mark growled.

  "You're not allowed to contact me." Ash said. "I'm hanging up now."

  "I wouldn't if I were you." He threatened.

  Ash paused before putting the phone back to her ear.

  "Do you really think a piece of paper can keep us apart Ash? We're meant to be you know, that's why you married me."

  "Goodbye Mark, please don't call here again."

  "Wait Ash, there's someone here who wants to say hello."

  Ash waited a moment longer while the phone beeped in her ear.

  "Hi Mummy," The tiny voice came over the line.

  Oh my God, Ash thought. Oh my God, oh no. Please God no. Not the girls.

  "We're with Daddy, Mummy. We're going on holidays. You're coming right?" Sarah asked.

  "Yeah Baby, I'm coming. Is Beth with you too?"

  "Yeah, Daddy came and picked us up from school, we're coming to get you and Daddy's taking us all to Dreamworld and Movie World."

  "Okay baby, put Daddy back on the phone please so I can see what time you'll be here."

  "Okay Mummy, see you soon, love you."

  "I'm parked out the front Ash, all you have to do is pick up your bag, walk out the front door and come and get into my car. It's a black Audi; I'm parked in the disabled parking. And Ash, I know I don't have to tell you not to try anything. Your friend is sitting here under my knees and I won't hesitate to reacquaint him to the girls if you call anyone at all. You walk out now and we'll leave quietly and nobody will get hurt."