Ditch

by Beth Steel

  Bug Not many Illegals?

  Turner We aint been gettin’ many. Its impossible to do the job, just the two a’ us out there. (Chinks Bug’s flask.) But that’s all set to change now eh?

  Bug What about outside?

  Turner (Shrugs.) Government set up a lottery for them that want kids.

  Bug They lifted the ban?

  Turner S’lottery, Bug.

  Bug Right.

  Turner One in ten thousand. How long it take to get back?

  Bug What about China?

  Turner (Shrugs.) What about it?

  Bug Allies declared war two week ago.

  Turner Aint affectin’ us, none a’ our troops a’ bein’ deployed.

  Bug It a different war they startin’ over there.

  Turner How long it take to get back?

  Bug Near on three days.

  Turner Shit.

  Bug Yeah. Tried to get a few winks on the train up there.

  Turner Too worried for that, I bet.

  Bug Well . . . I’m gonna go crash for a couple a’ hours.

  Turner Now?

  Bug nods.

  Turner You just got here.

  Bug I’m tired, Turn.

  Turner Alright.

  Bug goes back to his bag.

  Bug Bought you a piece a’ kit back.

  Turner Arh, yes! It some a’ their kit?

  Bug Yeah.

  Turner Vest? Pair a’ eyes?

  Bug Aint nothin’ like that. It a radio.

  Bug gives the radio to Burns.

  Burns (Nods.) Good to have yer back.

  Turner I’ll come and get yer in a couple a’ hours.

  Bug nods and leaves.

  Turner Why the fuck dint you tell me he’d got a stump?

  Burns I dint know.

  Turner Must a’ looked like a right cunt, dint know what to say.

  Burns Coulda fooled me, pullin’ his prick.

  Turner I can’t treat him like he’s disabled. It’s Bug, same old, arm or no arm. And anyway, that’s what yer supposed to do . . . acknowledge it.

  Beat.

  Can you ride a horse with a stump?

  Burns shrugs, drinks.

  Burns Now we know how come he’s back.

  Turner Yeah.

  Burns Never seen him like that.

  Turner Tired, s’all.

  Burns More than that.

  Turner Couple a’ hours sleep he’ll be right.

  Burns Seen it in his eyes.

  Burns leaves with the radio.

  Turner He gonna be fine.

  Scene Two

  Stables. Evening.

  Megan is sat, she has been crying. Turner enters stealthy.

  Megan (Spins round.) You scared me!

  Turner Whooah. You been cryin’?

  Megan No.

  Turner Looks to me like you have.

  Megan Haven’t.

  Turner (Offers her a fag.) Fag? You sure?

  Megan Don’t smoke.

  Turner Since when?

  Megan Never liked ’em much.

  Turner Used to smoke a lot a’ mine to say you din’t like ’em.

  Beat.

  Turner Want a’ talk about it?

  Megan Nothin’ a’ talk about.

  Turner Might help if you did. I’ll take a guess. You seen what happened to Bug and you worried about James.

  Megan Why would I be worried about him?

  Turner I seen him headin’ over here at night, Megan. And I knowed you in here too. I dint say nothin’ to you about it. Just accepted it I guess. Don’t mean that I stopped . . . shit, you know . . . carin’ about you.

  Megan looks at Turner.

  Turner S’how you holdin’ up?

  Megan Miss him. Miss him a lot.

  Turner Yeah. I bet he’s missin’ you too. Who wouldn’t? You’re quite a girl Megan. I’ll tell you somethin’ from experience. When a man’s been with you it’s pretty hard to come back from that. Yeah. You really set the standard for me. Raised the bar. And in all sorts a’ ways, not just . . . (Laughs with embarrassment.) You know. Shit. I aint no good at this. I just wanted to see you were alright. I’m gonna’ go. Leave you to it.

  Turner walks away.

  Megan Stay.

  Turner Well, alright.

  Megan We could talk.

  Turner I’d like that.

  Beat.

  Megan Bird flew inta the kitchen window yesterday.

  Turner Yeah?

  Megan I was right there in front a’ it washin’ the dishes when it hit the glass. Made a big thuddin’ sound, scared me. Then it flew off. But it left somethin’ behind. A white powder in the shape a’ it wings. Like a ghost a’ it. I been lookin’ at that all day and no one seen it, not even Mrs Peel. I dint tell her, case she rubbed it away.

  Turner I’ll have to take a look at that.

  Megan Won’t be there no more cause a’ the rain.

  Turner Some things just don’t last long enough, do they?

  Beat.

  Megan Never knowed you cared about me.

  Turner I’m no good at sayin’ stuff like that.

  Megan That mean you’d look out for me?

  Turner I done it before, remember.

  Beat.

  You were gonna be sent away.

  Megan I know

  Turner Don’t seem like it.

  Megan You told me. But it different now.

  Turner It sure is. S’like you been avoidin’ me.

  Megan You’d help me if . . . if I needed it?

  Turner You know I would.

  Megan James would too.

  Turner But he aint here.

  Megan He gonna come back. Just don’t know when.

  Turner takes out his flask politely offers Megan a drink.

  Megan I shouldn’t.

  Turner Why?

  Megan It too early for that.

  Turner Have a slug anyway, for old time’s sake.

  Megan drinks; spills some down her chin.

  Turner Looks like you forgotten how to handle your drink.

  They both laugh; she gives him back the flask.

  Turner Come on, you can do better than that.

  Megan shakes her head. Turner insists. Megan has another drink.

  Turner S’like old times. We did have us some good times together. You remember that time when you, me and Bug been up all night drinkin’? You were drinkin’ like a fish, couldn’t get enough a’ the stuff.

  Megan I got work to do now.

  Turner Laughin’ and smilin’ you were.

  Megan tries to pass but Turner blocks her way.

  Turner You do have a lovely smile. Really lights up a room, lights up . . . (Smiles.) Anyway, so there we all are with an empty bottle on the table between us. Not a drop left. And you . . . (Laughs.)

  Megan Don’t!

  Turner You took hold a’ the bottle.

  Megan Please don’t.

  Turner And let us both have a go. Didn’t you? What’s this . . . tears? No, no, you don’t understand. I dint tell James about it. I wouldn’t do that. I wouldn’t spoil what you got goin’ there. Cause, it would. Wouldn’t it? I mean, if he knew that what sweet Megan here likes (shakes his head and laughs to himself.) and I mean really likes is bein’ fucked dirty. He would feel insecure about that. Cause he didn’t fuck you like that. Did he? (Sympathetically.) I dint think so.

  Megan Leave me alone.

  Turner I wish I could, but when you look at me with those sad eyes a’ yours, s’like lookin’ at a deer before I slam it down to the ground. Gets me hard.

  Turner takes off his jacket, Megan edges backwards.

  Turner See, all’s I want is to throw you a nice, hard fuck. Yeah, that’s right. (Edges forwards.) All’s I want is to take that nice long hair a’ yours and use it like a pair a’ reigns. (Grabs Megan’s hair.) Alls I want is to saddle up and –

  The horses whinny. Burns enters.

  Burns What’s goin’ on here!

 
; Turner releases Megan.

  Turner Nothin’.

  Burns I don’t give a flyin’ fuck that you out here in the wilderness, you wanna’ shove that dick a’ yours in somethin’ I suggest you start takin’ a likin’ to livestock. That understood?

  Turner nods. Burns steps aside. Turner leaves.

  Burns He bother you again, you come to me about it.

  Burns makes to leave.

  Megan It a good sign, Bug comin’ back?

  Burns You seen his arm.

  Megan He came back alive.

  Burns They don’t bring the dead back.

  Beat.

  Burns Been waitin’ three years for my boy to come back. You can’t keep waitin’.

  Burns leaves. Megan drops to her knees and cries. The horses whinny. James, dressed in civvies, enters. Megan slowly stands to her feet and looks at James for a few seconds. She smiles and he smiles back at her. She laughs and he laughs. She slowly walks towards him, the distant sound of gunfire and explosions are heard, until they are stood opposite one another.

  James It a gift.

  James edges backwards away from Megan as the sound of gunfire and explosions become louder and call him back, until he finally disappears.

  Scene Three

  Peak. Late afternoon. Bug and Turner are sat quietly drinking.

  Bug Missed this quiet.

  Turner Like it too, but shit I had enough a’ it these past months.

  Bug Been on your own out here?

  Turner Pretty much. wind, hoof beats . . . caw of a bird, that been it for me.

  Bug My ears a’ still ringing.

  Turner Get laid much.

  Bug Wasn’t like that.

  Turner (Shakes his flask.) Shit, this aint gonna last us two days.

  Bug Way you been going at it, it aint gonna get us to tonight.

  Turner We need to take this situation in hand.

  Bug What d’you mean?

  Turner Taters make vodka, right?

  Bug Yeah, but, you need somethin’ else too.

  Turner What?

  Bug Alcohol I guess.

  Turner and Bug laugh a little.

  Turner S’what I missed the most, talkin’ shit to somebody. There been times out here when the drag of a cloud been the biggest event a’ my day. don’t know how I’ve done it. (Drinks.) But it given me the time to figure a’ few things, like I said was gonna . . . about that place a’ ours. Not that cockeyed-bullshit I been spoutin’ before you left. (Half laughs.) The shit I been spewin’. I can be a crazy bastard sometimes, I know that. But you should a’ just laid one on me. Had it a’ been the other way round I’d a done it to you. I don’t mean that. It’ll be when it’ll be. But. Just how you seen it that first time I told it, I seen it too.

  Bug Turn . . .

  Turner I aint shittin’ you. There been times up on that saddle, when I seen it right there on the horizon. Perched on its own, nothin’ but weather around it. I’d keep on its trail, laughin’ at myself some, knowin’ it aint there . . . but the horse’d pick it up a little, like it felt the pull a’ it too. It’d still be some fifty mile a’ so ahead a’ me, when I’d start to see them stones it made up a’, solid granite, every one a’ ’em . . . pokey windows that don’t let much light in. After a while I’d throw my eyeline away and when I looked back it wouldn’t be there no more . . . but soon as the sun dropped, I’d see an orange glut a’ flame from the fireplace. There’d be steak and taters on it, pile a’ cards at the ready . . .

  Beat.

  Turner S’gonna be lot a’ fuckin’ work too. Aint gonna be how I’m tellin’ it now when we get hold a’ it. But way I see it every inch a’ fencin’ we put up, every plank a’ wood we sand, every blister on our backs, be worth it cause it’s for us. Our own fuckin’ thing.

  Beat.

  Bug Been thinkin’ I’d a’ liked to a’ been married again.

  Turner (Laughs.) Married?

  Bug Yeah.

  Turner (Stops laughing.) You never told me you been married.

  Bug Me and her been eighteen, had ourselves the biggest weddin’. Three white limo’s, nine bridesmaids, three page boys, hundred and forty eight guests, seven tier wedding cake, and a mountain a’ profiteroles with a six foot chocolate fountain for them that dint like icin’ or dried fruit. She left me after three months to start up with the weddin’ photographer. He said he could get her modellin’ career goin’ . . . We’d a’ had a baby we’d a’ been alright.

  Turner Best thing you did gettin’ rid a’ her.

  Bug We been arguin’ most a the time, dint laugh twice.

  Turner That’s it, birds aren’t funny.

  Bug Some birds a’ funny.

  Turner Name one bird we know who’s funny?

  Bug We don’t any birds . . . Mrs Peel got a sense a’ humour.

  Turner She got a crusty fanny as well. Dint think about the wives.

  Bug Just sayin’ it’s somethin’ I’d a’ liked to a done before now.

  Beat.

  Bug Shouldn’t think about gettin’ that place, Turn.

  Turner Why’s that?

  Bug Can’t see it no more.

  Turner Yeah? Well I can.

  Bug Don’t see us here much longer.

  Turner What a’ you talkin’ about?

  Bug Need all the men they got.

  Turner Need men back here too.

  Bug Somethin’s gotta give.

  Turner Security’s weak as it is.

  Bug Bulk a’ the army aint enough.

  Turner Fuck it I’ll go and come back.

  Bug There aint no comin’ back.

  Turner What a’ you fuckin’ sayin’?

  Bug They aint comin’ back.

  Turner You fuckin’ did.

  Bug Set the grenade off myself.

  Pause.

  Turner Had our backs to the wall plenty a’ times.

  Bug Aint like what it been before.

  Turner I know what it’s fuckin’ like.

  Bug No you don’t.

  Turner I fuckin’ do!

  Bug There aint no talkin’ to you sometimes.

  Turner Not when you’re talkin’ shit.

  Bug You don’t wanna’ hear it.

  Turner There aint nothin’ you can tell me.

  Turner turns around. Bug stays as he is.

  Turner You’re just pissed about your arm.

  Bug You dint hear what I said.

  Turner I fuckin’ heard yer. I don’t believe yer.

  Turner is striding aimlessly behind Bug.

  Turner You . . . you couldn’t a’ done that. You hear! You dint do that . . . leave me waitin’ out here . . . weren’t gonna do that . . . couldn’t a’ left me out here . . . You wanna drop me? S’that what you fuckin’ want? Need to take that stump out on someone? Go ahead. I can take it. Come on. Lay one on me. Fuckin’ turn around. Fuckin’ come on and get it. (Draws back a blow.) I’ll fuck you –

  A fighter jet screeches overhead. Turner hits the ground, Bug doesn’t react.

  Turner Shit! Shit shit shit did you hear that? (Laughs.) We got jets. (On his knees.) We . . . we got jets.(On his feet.) We got jets in the sky! Woo-Hoo!

  Bug Aint ours.

  Beat.

  Turner What?

  Bug Jets, aint ours.

  Turner What d’you mean?

  Bug Our allies set up an airbase outside a’ Sheffield.

  Turner What a’ they doin’ here?

  Bug Firin’ misiles.

  Turner Where to?

  Bug China. Turn, they been –

  Turner Still, good to see somethin’ up there.

  Turner stares at Bug defiantly. Pause. Bug walks away.

  Bug Goin’ back to the outpost tomorrow.

  Turner We out here for two days.

  Another fighter jet screeches overhead. Turner runs after it, making whooping noises.

  Scene Four

  Plot of land. Sunset.

  Mrs Peel is harvesting potatoes from the ea
rth. Burns enters, he has been drinking heavily but wears it well. He stands at a distance to her looking out.

  Burns Quite a sunset.

  Beat.

  Burns More orange than usual. Don’t yer think?

  Mrs Peel Aint lookin’ at it.

  Burns Late in the day to be doin’ that.

  Burns edges closer to Mrs Peel.

  Burns That was a fine dinner.

  Mrs Peel Not keen on snails.

  Burns Don’t like the taste or the look a’ ’em?

  Mrs Peel Just don’t fancy ’em after lookin’ at ’em shit all day.

  Burns I been meanin’ to ask what yer put with ’em?

  Mrs Peel Garlic and sage. Same as I do everythin’.

  Burns Used to do a bit a’ cookin’ myself.

  Mrs Peel Let me know if you should get the urge again.

  Burns I wouldn’t be able to do what you do.

  Mrs Peel I’m out a’ whiskey.

  Burns Got some here.

  Burns gives his flask to Mrs Peel.

  Burns I’m getting’ supplies in the mornin’.

  Mrs Peel gives the flask back.

  Burns Put you a bottle under the sink.

  Mrs Peel doesn’t acknowledge the bottle; continues working.

  Burns What a’ you cookin’ for dinner tomorrow?

  Mrs Peel Snails.

  Burns Again?

  Mrs Peel Had to put some a’ em aside. They weren’t shittin’.

  Burns Constipated snails?

  Mrs Peel And mashed tater.

  Burns Been thinkin’ about makin’ some changes around here.

  Mrs Peel What kind a’ changes?

  Burns Not now.

  Mrs Peel stands.

  Mrs Peel What kind a changes?

  Burns A greenhouse.

  The potato falls away from Mrs Peel’s hand.

  Burns Build a greenhouse so as we can get more fruit. Fix the roofin’ a’ the stables. Make a stone oven for outside. Take some cuttin’s and plant some flowers. Get some beehives. Four, five beehives for honey and . . . what’s that other stuff called yer get from ’em?

  Mrs Peel Royal jelly.

  Burns Yeah, royal jelly. What d’yer say?

  Mrs Peel (Becomes Mrs Peel.) More work. But. Alright.

  Beat.

  Burns How come in all this time I never known your first name?

  Mrs Peel Cause I never told yer, Burns.

  Burns It’s Keith . . . Keith. Is it out a’ respect for a Mr Peel?

  Mrs Peel Are you drunk!

  Burns No.

  Mrs Peel (Crouches down.) Then stop talkin’ shit.