Ten Year Crush

by Toshia Slade

  Glass of water in hand, I slowly open the sliding glass door leading out to the back patio. I love it back here. Sitting on the swing is my favorite spot, overlooking the hills of the countryside. I can faintly make out the lights of the city.

  I startle when I hear the door slide open. I look up and I’m met with the same beautiful blue eyes that have always haunted my sleep.

  “Couldn’t sleep either?”

  I shake my head. “No, I think I’m too tired.” I lie. No way am I telling him that it was killing me being surrounded in his smell. Cam has always been hot to me, but standing out here in the moonlit night, in nothing but shorts, his arms crossed over his bare chest, and messy black hair… he’s beautiful. I turn my head and look up at the sky.

  “Can we talk?”

  I pull my eyes from the stars and look back up at the man of my dreams. This isn’t fair to Brandon. I’m not over Cam and don’t think I will be for a long time, if ever. I’m not ready for a relationship, not until I’m over Cam completely. Then, maybe I can try to move on. I can’t take the back and forth and the guilt. After this weekend, I need to sit down with Brandon and tell him I’m just not in the right place for a relationship right now.

  Cam clears his throat and I remember he asked me a question.

  “Sure.” I turn my head and take a drink of water, trying to wash away the knot in my throat. I sit the glass down on the banister and draw my legs up. I wrap my arms tight around them trying to stifle the thousands of fireflies dancing in my stomach. What does he want to talk about?

  “Hang on, let me grab a blanket, it’s too cold out here.”

  I lay my head on my knees and look up at the stars. I could spend every night like this. There’s something so peaceful about looking up at the tiny balls of fire.

  “Come on, guys, it’s so pretty tonight. Let’s grab some blankets and sleep under the stars tonight.”

  “Seriously, Gabby? Again? You wake up in the morning baking and it’s uncomfortable as shit,” Josh whined.

  “What about snakes? Or coyotes for that matter?” Tiff pouted.

  “You’ll be fine. Please?” I put my hands together and made puppy dog eyes, begging Cam, Josh, and Tiff. “Come on, guys. It won’t be that bad. Plus, this could be our last summer like this. You two start college next year you won’t want to do this anymore.”

  “I’m in.” Cam threw his arm around my shoulders hugging my neck.

  “But…” Tiff still looked scared and unsure.

  “Fine! You’ll be alright, Tiff. Me and Cam will put you all in the middle and sleep on the outside.”

  “Thank you!” I jumped up and down, and then ran to grab the blankets.

  That was the last time that I got to sleep curled up against Cam’s side.

  “You still awake?”

  I jump at Cam’s voice, not hearing the door open, lost in my memory.

  “Yeah, just looking.”

  “You’ve always loved star gazing. I remember all the nights you made us sleep on a blanket outside.” He chuckles. “Stand up for a sec. I’ll lay the blanket down so we can wrap up in it.”

  If he only knew, that’s what I was just thinking about. Some of my best nights growing up were spent falling asleep under the stars with Cam’s arm around me, protecting me.

  I hesitate. I’m not sure I can handle being wrapped up in a blanket with Cam.

  “Come on, I won’t bite.” He motions for me to stand up and sticks his hand out.

  I take it and stand, watching him spread the blanket down on the swing, noticing he put on a hoodie. If I’m going to be pressed up against him, I’m glad for the extra layer. Cam’s tempting enough, but bare chest, rippling muscles… wave candy in front of a kid, they’re going to take it. I’ve already tasted and need to stay as far from that as possible.

  He sits and pats the seat beside him. I sit down and pull my legs back up wanting to keep them off the cold wood. I wrap the blanket around me and the scent hits me. I am right back in Cam’s bed. This must have been what he was using on the couch.

  He twists sideways and bends his leg, tucking his foot under his knee, and then brings the blanket around himself. “Better?” He smiles, flashing his dimple.

  “Much warmer. Thank you.” I lay my head on my knees again, this time facing Cam.

  “Let me get all of this out before you interrupt me, okay?”

  I nod my head, unable to form words around the knot in my throat. What’s he going to say this time?

  He continues. “First, I’m so sorry I hurt you. I was an idiot. I was afraid of hurting you and losing you all together. I did that anyway by pushing you away. You and Josh mean so much to me. Josh is the brother I never had and up until a few years ago you were my little sister.” He takes a deep breath as if he’s trying to collect his thoughts.

  I chew on my bottom lip and think back to my birthday and the hurt I felt, hearing Cam tell me he would never be with me. I try to fight the tears, but one slips out, running down my cheek. Cam catches it with his finger.

  “God, Gabby. I’m so fuckin’ sorry I hurt you. Seeing you cry. It kills me. I’d rather be punched in the balls. When I first started thinking of you, as more than a friend, it felt wrong. Like I was some sick freak. You’re my best friend’s baby sister. My baby sister. So, I was scared and I did the only thing I could think of. I denied all of those feelings. That is until you told me you were in love with me that night. I couldn’t let you think that I felt nothing, but at the same time I was too afraid to ruin what we did have.” He tucks a few strands of hair that came loose behind my ear. “I was wrong. Watching you with Brandon these last few months, I realized that no one would love you the way I do, and will. I tried everything to get you out of my mind. Drinking.” He pauses and I see his Adam’s apple bob. “Women. Nothing worked and I just felt like shit.”

  My heart is racing, feeling as though it will burst from my chest at any point. Everything I’ve wanted to hear, he just laid it all out. He waits until I’m with someone. Is it because he can’t have me now? Why not two months ago when I poured my heart and soul out? “Why now, Cam? I don’t understand why you’re doing this to me. I’m with Brandon now.” I end on a sob.

  Cam pulls me into his lap and I try to push away. I don’t want him to hold me. I don’t want to fall harder. Don’t want his love and comfort. But that’s a lie; it’s all I’ve ever wanted for the past ten years. I cry harder and bury my face in his chest.

  He holds me tighter and strokes my hair. “Oh, baby, please don’t cry. I’m so sorry I hurt you.” He kisses away the tears on my cheeks. “I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to you. Please give me the chance.” His mouth brushes the side of mine in a gentle kiss. “Having you in my arms, my lips on yours.” He rubs his hands up and down my back. “Everything finally clicked. Like I was where I was meant to be for the rest of my life.”

  He pulls me back and bends down so he can look in my eyes. He takes his thumbs and wipes the tears from my face. “I love you so much, Thumper. I realize that now. There will never be another girl for me. Just you.”

  My heart shatters from his words, the love shining in his eyes. He waits until I’m with someone else and dumps this in my lap. What about when I wanted it? I don’t know what to do. I don’t love Brandon, but I don’t want to hurt him. What am I supposed to do, just dump him and jump into a relationship with Cam? I know I need to end things with Brandon, but simply because it isn’t fair to him. I’m in love with someone else. No guy should have to come second when it comes to his girlfriend. But Cam just pisses me off. Why should I jump when he wants it? When he decides that he loves me and can do a relationship. To hell with that.

  I shove off Cam and stand up. “You can’t do this to me. I’m with Brandon.” He doesn’t need to know I’m going to end things. It’s the simple fact that he shouldn’t be able to decide he wants this and then get it. I’m the one that hurt and suffered all those years, not him!

  “Do you
love him?”

  I stand there my mouth opening and closing like a fish out of water. I don’t want to lie, because I don’t love Brandon. But I don’t want him to know how much power he still has over me. I can’t just forget about all the women and him turning me away when I put my heart on the line. “I’m with him, aren’t I?”

  “That’s not what I asked.” He stands up and walks over to me. I step back and hold my hands up. “Has he ever made you feel the way I did?”

  “You mean, do I think of you when he’s fucking me?” I wish I could take the words back as soon as they come out.

  Cam’s jaw ticks and his fists ball up at his sides. “I know I hurt you, so I’ll let that slide. I gave you a lot to think about. Just know I’ll always be here. And when he hurts you, I’ll be here. Waiting.” He grabs me and squeezes me, kissing my forehead, and walks off.

  I go back over to the swing and collapse. What the hell am I supposed to do now? Part of me wants to run after him and stay in his arms forever, but the other part of me wants to run, protect my heart. He’s hurt me so much already, can I ever move past that?

  Chapter Seventeen

  *Cam*

  It seems like no sooner do I drift off, I hear voices in the kitchen and bags rustling. I stayed awake all night replaying Gabby’s words in my head. When she talked about fucking Brandon all the air left my lungs and my heart felt like it was being ripped from my chest. Is that how she felt watching me all those years with the endless amount of girls? God, I’m an idiot. Why didn’t I figure everything out sooner? Then Gabby and I would be together and be happy.

  When she finally came back in last night and gave me my blanket back, I felt like I had been sucker punched, and I was the lowest piece of scum on earth. Her eyes were red and puffy where she had been crying. I tried getting her to talk to me, but she just shook her head and walked off. I really hope that I didn’t fuck everything up and it’s already too late. I honestly don’t know what I would do without her in my life.

  I untangle from the blanket, climb to my feet, and fold it to be put back in the closet. I grab my pillow and head to my room to change clothes. Walking in, I stop dead in my tracks. Gabby is curled up on her side, one arm under her head and the other wrapped around a pillow, her face buried in it. I quietly walk over to the edge of the bed and move the hair from her face. I see her eyes are puffy. I hate that I did this to her. I’ll make it right, when she’s ready. It’ll be my life's mission to make her the happiest girl on earth.

  I glance at her one more time and make my way over to my closet to get a pair of jeans and a shirt. I slip into the bathroom to brush my teeth and change clothes.

  Coming out of the bathroom, I see that she’s still in the same position. I can’t resist. I walk over, bend down, and kiss her forehead, whispering, “I love you, Thumper.”

  I think back to the day I met Gabby and why I call her that. It was her eleventh birthday. Josh and I walked into Gabby’s bedroom and there were girls everywhere, watching some chick movie with dancing.

  “You all want to watch this with us?” Josh asked, holding up The Ring DVD. I’d heard it was scary.

  “Yes!” All of the girls yelled, bouncing.

  A little ways into the movie Josh gets my attention and mouths for me to watch. He grabbed Gabby’s leg and screamed.

  Gabby yelled, jumped up, and toppled over, and landed in my lap. Her arms were flailing in the air and one hit me, right in the face.

  "Ow, shit," I yelled out, right before I wrapped my arms around her to keep her from falling on the floor. “Are you okay?” I asked.

  She looked up at me with big green eyes. “Oh my god. I’m so sorry.” She scrambled out of my lap, going after Josh. “Josh, I’m going to kill you!”

  I laugh thinking about how embarrassed she was. She’ll always be my Thumper.

  Looking over my shoulder at the door, I soak her up one last time, in my bed. Soon.

  *Gabby*

  I rolled out of the bed around noon. I was having an amazing dream, Cam had kissed my forehead and told me he loved me, I pulled him in bed with me, and we—Stop that, Gabby, don’t go there.

  I flip the covers off me and head to the bathroom to brush my teeth. Reaching for the toothpaste my hand brushes against Cam’s toothbrush, wet. He was in here? Did he really kiss me or was that just a dream?

  I finish brushing my teeth and pull out a fresh washcloth, running it under cold water. I hold it to my eyes. I stayed in bed until the wee hours this morning, crying silently into a pillow, not wanting to wake Tiff. I know she would have sat up for hours talking to me, as long as I needed her to, but I’m not ready yet. I want to get my thoughts all figured out before I go to anyone else.

  I’m not going to torture myself with all of that today. I’ll wait until I get home and try to sort it all out, and then figure out what I need to do. Right now, I need to get out there and get these decorations up.

  Walking into the kitchen, heads turn in my direction.

  “It’s about time, sleepy head. We were getting ready to start without you.” Josh says, and then points to the coffee pot. “It’s still hot if you want some.”

  Avoiding Cam’s eyes, I head for the coffee pot. There’s already a mug sitting on the counter for me, so I pour in my three teaspoons of sugar and three more of creamer. I like my coffee sweet and creamy when I drink it.

  I turn and lean back against the counter, blowing on the coffee to cool it enough to drink. “If you two can handle the outside, Tiff and I can do the inside.” And I can work without seeing Cam. Avoid. That’s what I need right now.

  “We can do that. Mike just dropped off the hay I asked for. So, we’re all set,” Josh says, walking to the sink to rinse his mug. “Everything you all need is already set out on the living room floor.” He kisses my cheek. “If you need anything, just holler.”

  Cam comes over to the sink to clean his mug. He goes to open his mouth and I turn my head, looking out the window. I hear him sigh, and walk out of the kitchen.

  Once I hear the door close, I take a sip of my coffee. I can feel Tiffany staring at me. “You ready to get started?”

  “Not until you tell me what that was all about.”

  “I will, I promise. Just not right now, okay?” I plead with my eyes for her to just drop it. All I need is for the waterworks to start again.

  “Okay. Finish up and we’ll get started.” She nods to the steaming mug in my hands.

  I down it, welcoming the burn on my tongue and all the way down my throat into my gut. Anything to take my mind off the sinking feeling in my stomach. I have a bad feeling about tonight.

  The day passes with me avoiding Cam at all cost. We got the decorations up, only taking a break to eat a sandwich and chips for lunch. The whole time during lunch Cam was quiet and after the guys were done, they went back outside.

  When we finally finish around five, I stand back and look at the job we did. I think it looks really good. We had to take some knickknacks and pictures down, only to be replaced by a decoration of some kind. We have green and orange streams of lights draped over the fireplace and around the doors. We twisted black and orange streamers together and have them swooping from the ceiling. There are skeletons and skull heads placed here and there. Spiders dangle from the ceiling and we hid the fog machine behind a skeleton by the door.

  Josh pokes his head into the living room. “Wow. Looks good, girls. Y’all about done? Just pulled the burgers off the grill.”

  The guys finished outside about an hour ago and started cooking us something for dinner. They have snacks for the party, but not actual food. “Yup, just finished.”

  “Come eat then.” He smacks the wall and turns back out.

  We head into the kitchen and they already have everything set out. I make my cheeseburger and sit down at the table. When I go to get back up, remembering something to drink, a bottle of water is set in front of me.

  “Thanks.” I drop my eyes from Cam down to my plate.r />
  “You’re welcome, Thumper.”

  I love you, Thumper. The words play again in my head. I shift in my seat, as heat spreads through my body, rubbing my legs together trying to ease the ache that’s starting to throb between my thighs. Memories flash in my mind of the things Cam did to me in that same dream.

  I try to think of something else. Anything. “After we eat I need to make the cupcakes and cheese dip. Then, I’m done.” Yeah, keep your mind on the task ahead and away, far away, from dreams of Cam.

  “Cam and I have to run to town and grab ice and a few things we forgot” Josh says, oblivious to the mental struggle I’m having on my own.

  We finish dinner and the guys take off. Tiff and I set about cleaning the kitchen up and making the snacks for tonight. The whole time my thoughts are consumed with Cam, the talk, Brandon, and what I’m going to say to him. And I can’t shake the feeling that everything is going to blow up in my face.

  Chapter Eighteen

  *Cam*

  When we get back to the house, the girls are locked in my room getting dressed. Josh heads into his room to get a shower and start getting dressed while I take care of the ice.

  Thirty minutes later Josh is out and already dressed, but the girls are still in my room. “I’m going to go see if they’re almost done.”

  “Tell them to hurry the hell up. People are going to start getting here in an hour. I wanna have a couple drinks before they do.”

  I head to my room and knock on the door. “Hey, are y’all almost done? I need my costume and a shower.”

  Tiff cracks the door. “Where’s it at?”

  “It’s all over. I have things I bought and some stuff I had. Just let me come in and get it. I’ll shower in the other room.” My heart pounds at the thought of seeing Gabby in her outfit.