by R E Gauthier
Doc paused before he began questioning her about her frame of mind.
“When you saw whatever you saw it made you upset, did you feel anything else?”
Miranda knew she had to tell him everything so he could help her but she wanted to make sure she didn’t reveal too much about Agent MacGregor and her feelings for her.
“Well I felt hopeless and have been feeling that way ever since you and she told me I lost my memory about that night.”
“You were feeling these things before and after you went to sleep; that may offer us some insight into what you dreamed about. Now tell me about the dream.”
“I can’t remember exactly how the dream started but I saw the woman killing Kate and when she looked up at I saw the eyes and face of the woman Kelsey kissed in the lobby.”
Clearing his throat Doc began to speak when Miranda realized what she had just said, she had not meant to tell the profiler that she had seen his lead investigator kissing a woman but she couldn’t take it back now.
“Doc it isn’t important that I saw her kissing the woman, I just...well I think I was taken aback by it that’s all,” she tried to make him understand but he seemed to be taking it all in stride and didn’t mention the kiss.
“So you saw the woman killing Kate did you actually see her face?”
“Not really I mean when she looked up at me the smile was familiar but then the face transformed or morphed into the woman in the lobby.”
“It is normal to have misattribution of memories in cases where you have unresolved feelings and they get tangled up with memories you are trying to recall. I was afraid this may happen and we have to try and keep it from clouding actual memories that may surface.”
“So you think it wasn’t a memory at all?”
“What do you remember about the hair and eye color and the clothes of the woman who killed Kate? He asked.
“She had blonde hair...well what I could see of it she wore a cap...black; she wore all black. Her eyes were blue.”
“Now what color hair and eyes did the woman you were walking with have?”
“What does that matter? What does she have to do with this?”
“Please just humor me,” he said.
“Okay...she had blonde hair and blue eyes,” Miranda said flatly.
“Now what color hair and eyes did the woman who Mack kissed have?”
Realization dawned on Miranda’s face as she said quietly, “black and brown.”
Miranda had been worried that her dreams and memories had been mixed up and now she had proof they were. That is why she hadn’t wanted the agent to be present while she told Doc about it
“So you don’t think I am actually remembering who killed Kate but in fact I am just confusing memories with feelings and attributing them in my dreams?”
“It would appear that is the case, but I’m glad we talked about this without Agent MacGregor present. It could get awkward for everyone concerned. You appear to be having a transference reaction here. It can happen between a patient and their psychologist during hypnosis or therapy but in this case it is Mac...I mean Agent MacGregor who you have transferred some of your emotions and processing to.”
She didn’t want him to know that she had been mixed up with the lovely agent the day she met her and now with recent events it would seem her feelings were getting in her way of remembering clearly that night.
“Well I’m glad I talked to you about this and that we now have a better plan of action,” she said trying to look happy that they had straightened this out but she couldn’t help be disappointed that she had remembered nothing.
“I am glad you spoke to me about this also and she will accept my assessment on this matter. I will not tell her the reasons but just make certain she understands that for you to remember your repressed memories you will need to have fewer distractions with other people present. I should have made certain of that earlier on, forgive me for not realizing it until now.”
“No need to apologize Doc, I am sure you had my best interest at heart. Can we take a break? I could us some air.”
“Certainly go for a walk and get some air. The taskforce members all know of your existence now. I’ll go call Mac...Agent MacGregor and let her know she’s free to do investigations of her own today.”
“Please make sure she doesn’t know I ask you to do this. I feel so silly I remembered nothing.”
“Of course I won’t let her know about we discussed here and I wouldn’t say you didn’t remember anything, in fact you have now remembered seeing a woman with Kate, which is a major breakthrough. Until now you had only been able to recall that during hypnosis.”
“Do you think I may remember that whole night?” Miranda asked hopefully.
“It’s possible you will remember everything, but don’t rush it. It takes time to retrieve lost memories after a traumatic event and sometime people never remember them.”
Part of her wanted to remember everything right now so she could get as far away from Agent MacGregor as possible but the other part of her was terrified of unlocking those memories and never being safe from them again.
***
Kelsey woke up after only a short five hours of sleep where she had troubled dreams. Dreams of Race kissing her and she looked for Miranda. Her body felt on edge and her nerve endings hummed with arousal. Waking this way had become a norm for her the past few mornings but she longed to be rid of these pesky feelings. Nothing seemed to elevate the tension in her body and last night her awareness had stepped up a notch. All night her senses heard the author breathing, felt her body in her arms, and smelled her scent. This morning her eyes craved to see her. What a total failure last night had been. She had hoped to go out with Race and forget about Miranda but the only thing she had done was make her feelings more acutely felt. Her awareness of being a lesbian made her crave what she had been missing all these years; intimacy with another person.
Her phone rang while she tried to make sense of everything.
“Hello.”
“Hi Mack, its Doc, I just wanted to talk to you about my sessions with Miranda.”
“Sure Doc what’s up?” She giggled when she heard how that sounded to her ears.
“I don’t want this to sound like I am usurping your authority here but I don’t want you to be present during Miranda Gauthier’s memory recovery sessions.”
“Wha...? What is this about? I mean I haven’t done anything wrong have I?” She asked all the humor in her voice gone now.
“It’s nothing you did. I should have done it earlier but Miranda felt comfortable with your presence so I didn’t...”
“But she doesn’t now?” Kelsey had interrupted him before he could finish.
“Mack, like I said, it is nothing you did. I just hadn’t been thinking about Miranda’s personal space and her privacy and I got to thinking that she may likely be more comfortable having fewer people present when she is trying to recall difficult memories. Normally I wouldn’t have any outside person present when my patients are under hypnosis so that the presence of the other people won’t influence their memory recovery.”
Kelsey listened to Doc’s explanation and tried to understand what he meant by it.
“I see Doc. I guess I’ll call Nikki and tell her that I’m available this morning. You will notify me if there are any breaks with Miran...Miss Gauthier’s memories?”
“Certainly Mack, I’ll record the sessions and if there are any new developments I’ll notify you immediately. And Mack it really is nothing you did. This is just best for everyone concerned. Our main objective here is to make sure that Miranda is able to recall what she saw that night and not be influenced by any outside stimuli.”
‘You didn’t do anything... so the presence of the other person won’t influence their memory recovery...she’ll likely be more comfortable having fewer people present.’ All these words banged around and she tried to make sense and all she remembered was Doc saying ‘don’t take it personal
’; it is personal she had made it that way and now Miranda didn’t want her around her any longer. Certain that Miranda didn’t want her present because of the awkwardness of what had happened between the two of them, she resign herself to being left out of the process.
Chapter Thirty
“Give in to what is, let go of what was and believe in what will be.”
The morning flew by with a quick meeting of the taskforce members to divvy up questioning chores. She and Nikki took on the task of contacting and lining up for interrogation the five women Nikki had found that had filed bullying grievances against the four girls at Kent Place School. Keeping her mind off of other things she wrote down notes for questions she wanted to ask each woman when her mind flew back to the night before. I’m a lesbian and now I don’t know what to do. I should talk to Nikki about it. She did offer to help her and right now she needed her best friend to help her sort everything out.
She idly thought about what Doc and Miranda were talking about and suddenly a deep feeling of dread came to her mind and then a vision of the lovely author crying and her heart suddenly wrenched in real pain. The gasp escaped before she could stop it and Nikki looked over at her with concern. Her raised eyebrows and questioning gaze made her feel self-conscious. Kelsey mouthed: I’m okay and looked down at her notes. Great now I’m having daydreams about Miranda.
They were questioning Lindsey Armstrong one of the women who they found had been bullied by their murder victims. She calmly told them that she had been bullied but described how she learned to cope and forget about their treatment of her. Kelsey listened intently but she knew that the woman wasn’t their killer and her mind wandered again to wonder what Miranda had remembered if anything. Doc had told her he would let her know if there were any important developments but it still hurt to be turned out from that part of the investigation.
She heard Nikki thank Lindsey for her cooperation, heard the door open and close and then silence. She looked up to see the concerned look on her best friend’s face.
“What the hell is going on with you Mack?”
Seeing that they were alone in the interrogation room she took a deep breath.
“I think I’m gay...no I am gay.”
Nikki came over with her mouth open and said nothing.
“Sorry I dropped a bomb on you like this but I had to tell you, it been tearing me up inside all morning.”
“Mack you didn’t drop a bomb on me, I mean I knew it would be coming just didn’t expect you to say it at this very moment. I’m so proud of you, so am I the first person you told?” Nikki asked holding her hand in her own.
“Yes and no, I wanted to tell Nanna but she’s been saying she already knew even before I did.” She didn’t want to tell Nikki why her grandmother knew that’s another discussion for another day.
“My aunt said she knew too, some people close to the one struggling can just tell, I knew you were.”
“Yeah you said, just wished someone had told me sooner. I’m not happy with the timing of this revelation in my personal psyche.”
“Well sometimes life plays these horrible tricks on you when you least expect it.”
“Yeah tell me about it, my life’s a shit-show right now.” Maybe this happened because I hid my feelings for so long.
“Guess when it happened to me?”
Knowing that Nikki told her she knew she was gay in high school she could only imagine where and when her best friend realized it.
“I don’t know, when?”
“I realized I’m a lesbian sleeping next to my best friend in her bed while on a sleepover one night. Imagine lying next to the one you have the hots for and knowing you can’t do anything about it. That’s the first time I felt aroused by anyone, talk about perfect timing.”
She thought about lying in the bed with Miranda and how she had felt. I wished I hadn’t acted on my desires.
“What happened did you ever tell your best friend about your feelings?”
“No I never did, after that night I stayed away from her; I never went on sleepovers anymore, after high school we drifted apart because of me. It’s the biggest regret of my life. I had been too scared to trust her and our friendship. I don’t want you to ever do that Mack; don’t hide from your feelings.”
She thought about that and about her own regret for telling Miranda how she felt for her; it had ruined everything. Hiding her feelings in the past may not have been wise but at least she had been focused and her life hadn’t been a mess then.
“I’ll try not to but right now my feelings will have to take a back seat.”
“How are you dealing with it yourself? I mean this is a major self-discovery.”
“God don’t I know it, I‘m thirty-four and I feel like a teenager or at least how I imagine a teenager feels like having feelings like this for the first time. I told you I didn’t have them when I grew up. Well almost never.”
“You never even had crushes or liked anyone? Wait almost never? How do almost never have a crush?”
“Well I say almost never because there was this one girl I kissed and thought I liked but then well things cleared and I haven’t thought about her until just recently.”
“I knew it you were just a closeted lesbian all this time. You had feeling for this girl but you pushed them aside, why?”
“I had just learned that my high school would allow me to graduate early and I had been accepted into an accelerated full scholarship program at the University of Maryland. It’s what I had been striving for since …well since she died.”
“What did you do?”
“I kissed her but knew nothing could come of it and I left. I just saw her for the first time in seventeen years, last night.”
“Whoa, okay so that’s a bigger bomb. I mean this is some heavy stuff you’re dealing with here, Mack.”
“You have no idea Nikki, I haven’t told you the half of it yet.” She wondered if she should tell her what happened between her and Miranda. Just say it and get it over with, rip off the band-aid.
“I slept with Miranda.”
“Holy shit, what? You slept with her? How did that happen? Wow you’re a fast one…guess what they say about late-bloomers is right.”
“I don’t know, but it did. The other night after we had dinner downstairs I was on my way back to my suite when I stopped at her room and heard a muffled scream; I had a key card and let myself in.”
“I’m confused here Mack.”
She explained to Nikki about how she had feeling of something bad may happen with Miranda so she asked the front desk clerk give her an extra key card to Miranda’s room. When Nikki understood her motives she told her how she found Miranda in the middle of some sort of night terror and she only able to calm her down by holding her in her arms.
“We fell asleep like this and in the morning I woke up from a dream and was aroused but unlike you I didn’t just ignore it and leave.”
“You and she…? Is that why Doc asked you not to be present for her sessions any longer?
“Good Lord I don’t think so. I mean afterwards Miranda told me that it shouldn’t have happened and it was all her fault. It had all been some sort of dream or fantasy of hers.”
“Wow so that is what happened.” Nikki said nodding her understanding.
“What do you mean ‘that’s what happened’?”
“I saw you yesterday morning coming out of her room, I didn’t want to disturb you, and you looked like you were fighting with a decision or something.”
“You saw me? You saw me and didn’t say anything to me, why?”
“Like I said you looked like you were trying to figure something out I didn’t want to bother you. I’d hope you come to talk to me if you needed to.”
“Yeah well I just said sorry and ran from her. She later told me it meant nothing, downplayed it just being a dream.”
“Had it been just a dream?”
“No...I mean I don’t think so. I wanted it to happen, dream
ed about it since I kissed her the night at Nanna’s.”
“So that is why you were so upset when you came back on the weekend. It’s all making perfect sense now. You have feelings for Miranda and she doesn’t have them for you.”
She looked into Nikki’s eyes and she saw sympathy and understanding.
“Yeah that’s what she said. So last night I went out with a friend I haven’t seen in ages and I kissed her, but when I did I thought about Miranda not her.”
“Wait...you kissed this woman you had kissed seventeen years ago last night. You do move fast Mack. You only JUST came out to yourself and are attracted to women and you kiss two different women in one week.”
“Well I thought I would go out with Race to forget about Miranda and also answer the question once and for all whether I am gay or not.”
“So how did that go? Did it work?”
“Yes and no, I mean I had a great time but still thought about Miranda the whole time and even though kissing Race felt great, I wished it was Miranda the whole time.”
“Sorry it didn’t work the way you wanted it to. These feelings for Miranda are likely caught up in this case and the fact she’s your first. The first woman you let yourself to become attracted to will always be the hardest to forget.”
“Well I have to stop thinking about her that way. She doesn’t feel the same way about me.”
“Did she actually say she didn’t? I mean...”