by Robin Roseau
I thought about it then said, "I'm not apologizing for leaving. I thought I had the right."
"Then why did you try to hide?" asked Juleena.
"If I were really hiding, I would have kept going. But that didn't mean I wanted to be easy to find, either. I was mad. But I don't think I did anything wrong. I just was trying to calm down."
"Yes or no," said the queen. "Did you expect me to send guards looking for you?"
She had me there, and I didn't want to answer. "I wasn't sure."
"Yes or no, Yalla," she asked firmly.
"Fine," I said. "I suppose I thought it was likely."
"And do you believe those guards have better things to do than go chasing after you?"
"You're the one who sent them, Your Majesty. Not me." I felt pretty good about that argument and that at the worst, we were at an impasse as to whether I owed any apologies at all.
So there!
The queen let her last statement settle for a minute or so then said gently, "I want you to promise to never do something like this again."
"Why?"
"Excuse me?" she said, arching an eyebrow.
"You said I'm not a hostage. You said I'm an adult. But I don't make my own decisions?"
Juleena started to respond, and I think I'd made her angry, but Ralalta held up a hand. There was a long pause, perhaps a half-minute, before Ralalta responded very calmly. "There are significant advantages to living in this household. I'm sure I do not need to iterate them. With those advantages come certain responsibilities. Juleena doesn't vanish without discussing it with me first. I expect you to treat me with the same respect she does."
"I-" I was suddenly embarrassed, and I hung my head. I wasn't, however, so embarrassed I was ready to apologize for anything I had done.
Ralalta let me think about that for a minute then prompted, "About my promise..."
I responded quietly, "I won't do it again."
"By that," Ralalta said after a moment's pause, "I interpret you to mean that if I require your attendance, I will have little difficulty achieving it."
I thought for a moment and then nodded.
She leaned back her in chair. "I'm tired of looking up at you. Please take a chair." She gestured to two. I took one, and Juleena took the other. I folded my hands in my lap and said nothing. I still wasn't any happier than when I'd stepped into the room.
"Yalla, we weren't trying to hurt you." I didn't answer, and after a long pause, she asked, "You believe me, don't you?"
I didn't answer that either.
"How can you believe I wanted to hurt you?"
I didn't say anything for a long time, and there were tears crawling down my cheeks well before I said a word, but I turned my head so they wouldn't see. "I wouldn't have thought it, before."
"Yalla," said the princess, "You didn't seem that upset when Mellara spanked you. She told me what you said to her about it, that you would rather her than almost anyone else."
"That wasn't in open court in front of everyone," I muttered.
"Were you upset when Mellara spanked you?"
"It was embarrassing," I said.
"Why?" Juleena asked.
"Because you were there," I said softly, almost so softly they couldn't hear.
"Did it hurt?"
"By the end, but the earrings were the worst. Every time she hit me, they bounced. I think she left bruises, but they weren't bad."
"So if that had been the end of it?"
"Then I might not have understood this tradition, but I wouldn't have been as upset or felt entirely humiliated."
"So it was in open court, and the severity?"
"And it was the lieutenant of the guard, so it was like I was a criminal," I said. "And it was..." I fumbled for the word. "Capricious. It was punishment for something over which I had no control."
I turned back, no longer caring if they saw the tears. I brushed them away anyway. "But that's all secondary. As far as I'm concerned, everyone I thought cared about me betrayed me."
"Yalla," said the queen gently. I could hear the pain in her voice.
"I'm just some joke to you," I said, looking up and putting some spine into my voice. "I'm still the ignorant girl of the Horse People. I can barely read. I can barely manage myself in polite company. And look what fun it is to play a grand joke on me."
"None of that is true," Juleena said. "The tradition-"
"Everyone conspired to keep this from me!" I said, interrupting her. "You went out of your way to ensure I didn't catch wind of it. Tell me you were just in the dark as I was. See if I believe you." I tightened my arms and glared back and forth between them.
"We weren't trying to play a trick on you," Ralalta said. I didn't respond, but I settled my glare to her. "We do not consider you a joke, and we weren't trying to play a joke on you."
"People were waiting for me! All of you enjoyed giving to me what you got when it was your turn."
"Yalla," Juleena said. "That is partly true, but not entirely true. Now will you listen?"
I paused, tightening my folded arms in front of me, but then I nodded, just once.
"The tradition is for you to face adversity," said the queen. "And show what you're made of. Which you did. But you're right. There were people who were pleased to be given the chance to pick on you a little. Juleena went through that. A long time ago, I went through that, too. These people do not truly understand the reason for this tradition."
"I'd say most people don't truly understand," Juleena added. "Especially those whose responsibilities in life have been somewhat limited."
"What do you mean by that?" I asked.
"Let us use Mellara as an example. She learned something on your birthday, Yalla. For exactly the reasons you stated, she was looking forward to her opportunity. But when presented with it, she realized there is far more responsibility involved than ever she realized. Some people never learn what she learned a week ago."
"Yalla," continued Ralalta. "The entire country knows who you are, or so it seems. You have a certain reputation. Do you deny this?"
"I don't know about the entire country," I said. "But what has that to do with anything?"
"Your reputation is well-earned," she explained. "But it only partly reflects who you really are."
I opened my mouth, and I suspect I was about to yell, but Ralalta held up a hand, and so I paused enough she could continue before I got out whatever it was I intended to say.
"Your reputation changed on your birthday, Yalla. It became far more complex."
"Yalla," said Juleena. "You are known as an incredible rider. You are also known as being somewhat exotic and friendly, but aloof at the same time. That seems like a contradiction, but it's not. You're also seen as eccentric and perhaps spoiled."
"Spoiled." I said it coldly.
"Coddled," added the queen.
"Coddled," I repeated. "Is that what I am? Coddled?"
"In fairness, I had the same reputation," Juleena said. "Some people still believe that."
"Not anyone who actually sees her at work," added the queen. "But that's not very many people."
"It is assumed I am a figurehead whenever I do anything with the guard or when I took care of events in Garneer."
"You didn't look like a figurehead to me," I said.
"She's not," said Ralalta. "Almost no one in Framara has any idea at all what your childhood was like."
"Because I'm this mythical princess."
"Because they have no idea how difficult life is for the Horse People," explained Ralalta. "You spent your days leisurely riding about the countryside, after all."
I stared for a moment. "Leisurely."
"Leisurely," the queen said slowly. "Indolently, even."
I shook my head, not really comprehending how anyone could believe any of that. "What has that to do with keeping all this from me?"
"Your ten and eighth birthday is a chance to show what you're made of," Ralalta replied. "As I told you."
>
"And?"
"You're good at handling the unexpected," Juleena said.
"It was clear you weren't happy with us," Ralalta added. "Someone else might have hidden that."
"You already talked about that."
"Yes, but now it's in new context," she explained. "You weren't happy with us, but you didn't act out. You remained respectful and did your duty."
"And someone who had been coddled her entire life would not have handled the physical discomforts the way you did," Juleena said.
"So now people don't know what to make of you," Ralalta said. "But it became clear that portions of your old reputation were flawed."
"This is the nature of a rite of passage," Juleena said. "It's not much of a rite if it's easy. A rite of passage is an opportunity to show your strength. We made sure you showed as many of your strengths as we could."
"And we did so in a fashion people knew we were pushing you hard," Ralalta added. "We were showing our confidence in you."
"As we said," Juleena continued. "Most people don't understand this. Mellara's family doesn't. The lower classes copied this tradition from the upper classes. It's officially the last chance the family can boss around the new adult. They make her dress as a child and spend the day tormenting her. Even here in the palace, half or more of the people you encountered see it that way."
"You did as well as we could have hoped," Ralalta said. "If we were to skip leaving the way you did."
"You're lucky I didn't leave a whole lot earlier than I did," I said.
"Not at all," Juleena said with a grin. "You wouldn't have made it to the stable."
"We anticipated that reaction," Ralalta said with a brief smile. "If we had anticipated this reaction, we would have done a few things differently."
"Oh?"
"We would have had this conversation before you went to bed."
I shook my head. "I don't know why any of this was necessary. I don't particularly care what anyone thinks of me."
"It matters to me," Ralalta said. "And I think it matters more to you than you're letting on. Furthermore, I am convinced half the people who asked to court you made up their minds sometime during court or at your party."
"Do you think I care?" I asked, not waiting for an answer. "They had their scrolls ready."
"Some did. Some took an opportunity to slip out and draft them while you were changing clothes, and I saw one or two slip away during the meal."
I wasn't ready to forgive them, and frankly, they hadn't actually apologized for a single thing. I looked back and forth between them for a while. "It's late. I'd like to go to bed."
"Will you think about what we've said?"
"I don't know what else there is to think about."
"Will you forgive Muranna?" Juleena asked. "She didn't really have a choice."
"She had a choice," I muttered, not quite under my breath.
"Do you really think she should have violated my orders, Yalla?" Juleena asked. "If you want to be angry with someone, it should be me."
"I still have enough anger to spread around," I said. I pointed to her. "One." I shifted my finger towards Ralalta. "Two. And Muranna is three. Keelara was on orders, so I wasn't mad at her until she showed up to yell at me."
"Let me put it a different way," Ralalta said. "Imagine the situation had been reversed. You were six months older. You were first, and Juleena ordered you to keep secrets from Muranna. Would you have violated her orders?"
"That's not fair," I said. "I owe-" I paused. "I owed Juleena a certain loyalty that Muranna doesn't."
"And you don't anymore, Yalla?"
"I don't know anymore, Your Highness," I replied. "You once were very angry because you felt I broke a promise to you, but I only expected you to trust my horsemanship. I'd say the promise you broke was a lot bigger and broken a lot more completely."
She looked away at that.
"So I don't know," I continued. "If I felt about Muranna the way I did two weeks ago, but feel the way about Juleena I do right now, then there's no question I'd tell her. And you can tell me that's treason if you want to, but I'm not sure right now that I care."
"What if it were a state secret, Yalla?" the queen asked.
"It's hardly a state secret if every Framaran child of seven years knows it. I'd only be telling her what absolutely everyone else already knows." I paused. "Did she argue with you, Princess Juleena?"
"No," Juleena said softly.
"I imagine she was a little pleased at the thought of pulling one over on me," I said. "I would not have been."
"She's your best friend, Yalla," the queen said. "You need to forgive her anyway."
"I'm not sure I do, but I'll take your words under consideration. Not that she has apologized. Or anyone else for that matter. May I please go to my quarters?"
"Yalla, we're both deeply sorry for mismanaging all of this," Ralalta said. "You must know that. And you know Keelara is torn up inside."
I thought about it then said, "I'll think about that. I will not be returning to any of my lessons for a few more days. Unless I hear I should not do so, I will advise my old tutors when I am ready to see them again. Or has the time for tutors ended?"
"No," said Juleena. "It has not. You may have the rest of this week, but you return to your old schedule beginning next week."
"So," I said. "Adult or not, my schedule is not my own."
"You are a member of this household," she said. "And I am the princess. You are one of my subjects."
"What other adult in Framara is subject to your orders in this fashion, Princess?" I asked.
"Why are you fighting me on this?"
"Why did you turn heavy-handed after I already said I'd return to my studies?"
"Because I need you to obey me, Yalla," she said. "Unconditionally."
"Why?"
"I do not choose to answer that question, Yalla. Are you going to fight me or not?"
I thought and then said, "No." But even more trust was damaged. "May I be excused?"
"Yes," said the queen. "I expect you for dinner tomorrow."
"I expect you for breakfast," Juleena added.
"Yes, Your Majesty," I said, climbing to my feet. "Yes, Your Highness." I offered a brief curtsey and backed away.
* * * *
I slept poorly, barely sleeping at all, and then it was difficult for Mellara to wake me in the morning. She had to pull me into a seated position.
But at least I didn't growl at her.
I let her do what she wanted to me, and then I presented myself next door.
From the look of it, Juleena had been pacing, and I wondered if she were worried I would defy her. I didn't apologize for a late arrival, and I didn't have many words for her, either.
"How are you going to spend your day?" she finally asked.
"I haven't thought about it."
"Would you be willing to spend the day with me?"
"Do I have a choice?"
"Yalla..."
"Do I?"
"Of course."
"I don't believe there is any 'of course' about it, Your Highness. As you said, I am expected to obey you unconditionally."
She didn't say anything, and I think she realized then she was going to need to be on eggshells with me for a while. Finally I sighed. "I was nearly ready to come back, up until Keelara arrived."
"She made mistakes, Yalla, but they weren't intentional."
"She joked about how hard she spanked me!"
"She was sick about it, Yalla, even before you took off. And afterwards, she was sure it was her fault. Mother screaming at her to find you didn't help."
"And so she made it into a joke?"
"When people basically don't sleep for over a week, they don't make the best decisions, Yalla. Have you ever whistled in the dark?"
"Of course. Arrlottans whistle as a signal."
"No. It's a phrase. Some people are afraid of the dark, so they might whistle to pretend they aren't afraid."
"Why would they be afraid of the dark?"
"Because they don't know what is hiding in the dark, Yalla."
"When you live on The Hippa, you don't know what is hiding in the tall grass two paces away. So these people are afraid every night?"
"We're getting sidetracked, Yalla."
"Fine. So she was whistling in the dark."
"And if she hadn't already been kicking herself before she said it, she certainly was afterwards. However, there's probably a certain truth to what she said, in a way. If you could have ridden further, how far would you have gone?"
"Certainly not all the way to Balstead!" I said. "I never intended to be gone that long, Your Highness. What does it matter where I was?"
She didn't answer that. "Are you going to remain angry forever?"
"No."
"Are you going to forgive us?"
"I don't know, Princess."
"Do you think you could use my name, Yalla?"
"Are you making it an order?" I asked, my tone clear what I thought of that.
"No," she sighed. "I'm going to tell you a few things you aren't going to do. You are not going to take your frustrations out on anyone else. You are not going to let anyone else know how upset you are. You aren't going to use your new adulthood to do things you couldn't do before. And you certainly aren't going to do anything stupid or dangerous."
I thought about her list. "Fine," I said gently. "I won't do any of those. I might read. I might play some music. I might go for a walk. I will certainly check on Zana and Hamper and make sure they're okay."
"I won't forbid it, but I'd rather you didn't go riding today."
I thought about it and then nodded. "All right, but Hamper hasn't had any exercise, so I hope you remove that restriction by tomorrow."
"Tomorrow, but please don't go alone."
"Afraid I'll take off again?"
"No, but it would make Mother nervous."
"Fine," I huffed. So they didn't trust me. "Maybe I'll have an offer from one of my suitors by tomorrow." I found it unlikely, and I wasn't particularly interested, either.
"Maybe you will," she replied, apparently ignoring my tone.
* * * *
Hamper and Zana were fine, although Hamper really did need some exercise. "We've had him out in the yard," said one of the grooms. "But it's not the same."
"You haven't kept him in his stall this entire time!"