Finding June

by Caitlin Kerry

  “I’m sorry. You were staring and—” he started to say.

  At the same time, I said, “Sorry, that wasn’t my most—”

  We both stopped. Yep, this was getting better by the second. My brain caught up with my mouth and I blurted out, “Wait, What? I was staring?”

  Reece reached up and ran his hand through his messy hair. “Uh, well yeah, I figured you heard me in the kitchen and you looked up from the couch. You were staring, but didn’t seem quite awake.”

  That’s because he was tempting me with his water-dripped, toned chest in a waterfall filled lake, yeah that would explain the staring, until I realized he was still here in the flesh without a shirt on. I felt the blush creep up my face as I quickly damned my white as white skin.

  He continued on, “I couldn’t sleep. I came out here to grab some water, I didn’t mean to wake you.”

  “No, no it’s okay. I drifted off.” And now, I was more than awake.

  Seconds passed by without a sound before I decided I had to fix this situation. “If you can’t sleep, you can sit with me,” I offered.

  He put on that damn attractive half-smile, using his easy ways to smooth over the last five minutes. “If you don’t mind. I don’t want to keep you up.”

  “No, I don’t mind. Please, sit down,” I said in a bit of my server voice. I internally cringed and turned around to grab the mug I had dropped. I hated this. We were acting so formal instead of the easiness we usually had. I took the mug to the sink to see he had already grabbed a towel and was cleaning up the liquid. That was the thing about servers; if there was a spill we were lightning fast at grabbing what we needed to clean it up.

  After we made sure everything was clean, we both sat down on the couch … on opposite ends, of course, putting as much distance between us as possible.

  At this point, I knew what I needed to say. I knew this was the perfect opportunity to address whatever was going on between us. “Hey,” I started. Reece locked eyes with me, like he knew what was coming. I continued, “I’m sorry for this last month. You always seem to be around during my breakdowns and end up getting the brunt of my pent up frustrations. And I shouldn’t have kissed you yesterday when all I want is to be friends. It isn’t fair to you or to me.”

  “Is that what you really want? To be friends?”

  “It doesn’t matter what I want, it matters what I need. Right now, I don’t need a relationship.”

  “So you’re saying you want me?”

  Had I just admitted that? Awesome, I had indeed let that tidbit slip. Super. Duper.

  I sighed. “I can’t do this right now.”

  “You won’t do this. There’s a difference. I can understand how this might be scary, it’s hard to let go and take that next step in your life. I understand that more than you know. But, I’m not going to let that stop me. You flood my thoughts and have this hold on me. I don’t want to give up on whatever is going on between us.”

  My mind raced over what he’d said to me. Out of all of it, I had taken one thing away from it. “What do you mean you understand more than I know?” There had to be more to the story behind Reece. Why had he moved home and why could I see darkness in his eyes in certain moments?

  Reece glanced at me with a pained look, knowing this conversation would change everything. I knew it. He knew it. He sighed and opened his mouth, only to close it again with a deep look on his face. I could tell he was debating on how he wanted to tell his story. I let him think it through. I wasn’t going to push.

  Reece started with a hint of embarrassment in his voice, “We all have our issues, the dark parts in our lives. It sideswipes you when you least expect it and you feel like you can’t come back from it, you don’t know how.

  “I was in a relationship at the end of my senior year of high school. Rachel and I had been together for about eight months, which at the age of seventeen felt like a lifetime. I liked her well enough, and maybe with more time I would have loved her. However, I had plans after high school. I had big plans and I was terrified to give them up for her.” Reece stopped then. I knew this wasn’t easy.

  “What happened?” I asked, knowing I might not like the answer.

  Reece simply and quietly said, “She killed herself.”

  I sat there in the heavy silence, not knowing what to say. I had little to no experience with dealing with loss. I could say I was sorry, but that seemed pointless and I always felt if I were to be put in the situation, “I’m sorry” would be the last thing I would have wanted to hear.

  So, I didn’t say anything. I took his hand into mine and kissed the inside of his palm. It was my way to say the words he was probably sick of hearing. It was a simple gesture, but one that brought warmth to the situation. Reece looked down to our hands and started to move his thumb in small circles, giving me chills.

  He continued, “I was pretty torn up about it. I mean, we were dating and I had no idea there was anything wrong, that she was feeling such desperation in her life she had to end it. It’s been seven years since then and I have had time to deal with it. That’s not saying I was always good about it, there were some days I dealt with it poorly.

  “I realized there was probably nothing I could have done for her, she was probably beyond my help. The note … um, the note she left said she couldn’t deal with the pressure anymore. She felt suffocated with trying to be perfect and decided she wasn’t going to try anymore. It was hard to know that maybe I played a part in that. I examined all of our time together after it happened, trying to find the role I played in it. Was it my fault? Did I put too much pressure on her? I was lost in self-doubt.”

  I could only imagine the boy who wasn’t quite a man dealing with the uncertainty of the death of someone he was close with. “That must have been really hard for you.”

  He nodded. “But what really hurt, what really got to me, was how upset my best friend, Caleb, was. I didn’t get it at first. Caleb and Rachel were friends, but I was her boyfriend and he was more torn up than I was. A few months after everything happened, I confronted him. He broke down telling me he was in love with Rachel. He had loved her the first time he saw her and while nothing ever happened between them, I felt like a lover scorned.” Reece adjusted in the couch, turning more toward me and never letting go of my hand while he told his tale.

  “When you wrecked on your bike that Sunday? Caleb had called me all day. I finally answered when my sister called, but she ended up giving me advice I probably needed to hear but didn’t want. I don’t know how I feel about it. I should be over it, but I guess that guilt will always be there with me.”

  My heart broke as Reece told me his story. To lose someone you cared about, and then to find out your best friend was in love with her, it must have been extremely difficult. I was starting to understand why Reece had left the only place he had called home.

  “A part of me thought if Caleb was with Rachel rather than myself, then maybe she wouldn’t have committed suicide. I was so worried and distracted with what I was going to do after high school. I wasn’t focused on Rachel. Caleb was, and if he was with her … I can only think that things could have been different,” he explained.

  “Even you said there wasn’t anything you could have done,” I said gently.

  His grip on my hand tightened for a brief moment. “You’re right, June, but there will always be a small part that wonders. I think its human nature. What I’m trying to tell you is everyone in life has hardships, and we all deal. I wanted you to know that sure, for you right now, things are pretty shitty. You look a little lost in yourself most times and I get it. It’s hard not having a plan, not knowing what is around the corner, but you can only live in the moment.

  I pictured myself taking his advice, pulling him to me and living in the moment, but I didn’t know if I was there yet. I didn’t know if I was at a point where I could accept the fact that my life seemed pretty directionless right now. My kiss the other day was a brief moment of insanity, of recklessn
ess, and while it felt good, made me feel alive, I didn’t know if I had it in me to go down the road Reece was telling me about. It all seemed too much. Even with Reece, sitting here telling me I would get through this, I still couldn’t do it. I wanted too, but at that point in time, I didn’t know if I was there yet.

  With my lengthened silence, Reece got the picture and let go of my hand. He got up and started to turn toward me but stopped and said, “I should probably get to bed … but remember what I said. Okay, June? You’re a smart girl, you’ll figure it out.” He quietly walked to his room and I was, again, left with nothing to say.

  The next morning I was stiff from sleeping on the couch. The smell of coffee woke me up, but I hadn’t really slept well after my late night chat with Reece. The hasty kiss from a couple of days ago and the deep conversation with him last night had me all over the place. I threw off the blanket and stretched. Getting off the couch, I saw Jolene not only had a cup of coffee waiting for me, but was also cooking me eggs.

  “Why am I getting the royal treatment? It’s your birthday, Jo.” I plopped down in the chair around the large dining table and grabbed the coffee in front of me.

  Jo smiled and went back to her eggs. “Those who sleep on the couch get breakfast. Everyone else is still sleeping in their cozy beds.”

  I took a sip of coffee, taking in the biting heat.

  “Then why are you up already?”

  She expertly flipped the eggs. “I just want to talk to my best friend. But really, I could have avoided waking up this early if you would have spent the night in the loft,” Jo said as she raised an eyebrow and continued to scramble eggs. She even put milk in my eggs. She really was my best friend.

  “Jo. I don’t know …”

  “June, no one ever knows. Life would be boring that way. You have got to stop thinking so much in that big brain of yours and go with the flow. I’m not proposing marriage with the guy.”

  I didn’t know what to say, so instead I pretended I didn’t hear Jo and took another sip of the coffee as it cooled.

  She knew I was avoiding her, so she ignored my silence and went on, “But … you should have fun. Reece is fun and a great way to pass the time while you figure things out. Though, I will say, I don’t think you need to worry about that either. You’re only twenty-three. Make mistakes, do stupid shit, love fiercely, cry and laugh. That’s what you should be focused on. Everything will figure itself out. You don’t need to have all of the answers right now.”

  Jo handed me my plate of eggs as I sipped the coffee.

  “Eggs, coffee, and Jo wisdom. What more do I need in life?” I raised my eyes over the coffee cup.

  She smiled. “To get laid. Then it would be a perfect day.”

  I laughed and dug into my eggs. Eventually, the rest of the crew was up and moving about. Reece grabbed some coffee and topped mine off while handing me sugar. Apparently he also knew how I liked my coffee. I finished my food and put the dishes in the dishwasher.

  Throwing on my fleece and rainbow beanie, I snuck outside as everyone finished their breakfast. Jo’s parents’ cabin was nestled in the deep forest around McCall. I walked into the woods, and the brisk air made little puffs of breath as I breathed. It was cool up in the mountains but I loved it. The wind cut through my body and made me feel alive.

  I needed time to think. I sat on a log from a fallen tree and took in the diversity of the forest. I knew, at this moment, I had to make a choice. I had to either embrace what Reece was offering or I had to take a step back. I wanted a friendship with him, and his support over the last month meant the world to me, but I also knew that I didn’t have it in me to just be his friend. Right now, it had to be all or nothing. I didn’t know if I could just jump right in and say he was my boyfriend, but maybe I could take in Jolene’s words and go with the flow. I had to make the leap and it was scary as hell, but so far in my life I had taken the safe, approved route and look where it got me. I was putting my trust in Reece and in myself that whatever this was, it would be different than what I had with Owen. It had to be.

  I heard leaves rustling behind me and turned around to see a deer about a hundred feet behind me. It was a beautiful animal and looked at me with a cocked head. Even this deer didn’t know what to do with me. His head and eyes were trying to figure out what my intentions were. Sorry little deer, your guess is as good as mine. I took a few more minutes in the quiet of the forest and strolled back to the cabin. Reece stepped out onto the back porch as I took the first step up.

  “Hey, I was just looking for you.” I watched a slow smile spread across his face as he took me in. I directed my eyes back into the woods I had come from, feeling embarrassed by his intense glaze.

  “I snuck away for a minute. Mornings out here are my favorite.”

  Reece glanced out to the thick forest. “I can see why. The quiet can be addicting.” We both took a few seconds to take in the quiet, the peaceful morning permeating through us. “So, I guess Bethany, Jo, and the boys want to stay in the cabin today, something about being hungover. But I want to get out and do something. You want to go on a hike?” Reece asked.

  Spending more time alone with Reece? It seemed that was becoming my favorite pastime. Jo’s words echoed in my head. Just do, don’t think. My attempts to avoid him were failing epically.

  “Sure,” I finally said, looking back at Reece. “Let me grab my hiking boots. Meet you out here in five minutes?”

  Reece gave me a nod and walked down the steps. I hurried inside and dug through my bag for my shoes. I was tying the laces when Jo sat next to me. She bumped my shoulder and said quietly, “Don’t forget what I said.” She got up and left without letting me respond. I closed my eyes for a minute as I composed my thoughts, giving myself a pep talk. I could do this. I filled my water bottle and went outside to see Reece looking in his hiking bag.

  “Ready?” I asked.

  Reece glanced up at me as I walked out. I was starting to get used to the instant feeling of comfort he was giving me, but it didn’t mean I still wasn’t cautious. I didn’t know how much longer I could hold up this wall, or if I even wanted to anymore. The more I was around Reece, the easier it seemed to take it down. “Yeah, I grabbed some sandwiches so we can have lunch while we are out,” Reece said as he put his hiking bag on.

  We started to hike, and soon the only sound was our boots against the trail, sparse limbs cracking under the soles of the hard rubber. Reece was a few steps ahead of me and I was following him, which I didn’t mind. It meant I had a nice view of his ass and toned legs. There could be worse things in life.

  “How goes it back there?” Reece asked as he turned his head.

  I was blatantly staring at his ass when he looked. He chuckled. “That good, huh?” He turned away again, which was great because then he couldn’t see the red tint that had crept in my cheeks. I couldn’t catch a break with this guy.

  We walked for another twenty minutes uphill and stopped for a break. I reached in my bag for a bag of pine nuts and took a drink of water. I climbed onto a large rock. The sun was shining, and had heated up the rough surface. Setting my bag down, I laid on it like a pillow, taking in the sun’s rays contrasting the cool day. I felt Reece climb next to me, his legs touching mine. “I claimed this rock as mine, go find your own.”

  With my eyes closed, I heard Reece’s soft laugh.

  “You always know how to make me laugh, June. I don’t think I have met anyone who has made me laugh as much as you.”

  His compliment made me smile.

  After another hour of quiet hiking, I raced ahead of the trail, knowing we were getting close to the top. I had a surge of energy and started to sprint up the trail in my clunky hiking boots, trying to avoid tripping on loose branches or tree roots.

  The trees started to thin and I could see a clearing. As the land started to open up, I slowed down. I was ahead of Reece and had a few moments to myself. My mind was always a mess of thoughts, but for a minute, the beauty in front o
f me gave a sense of clarity. I slowly started to unfurl the tangled web of thoughts in my mind.

  From the moment I met Reece, I knew he was going to be different. I felt it within myself, like his aura was looking for something and had found it in me, like calling like. He had a faith in me that even I didn’t have. How was it possible for him to know I would be okay if I wasn’t even there?

  I took in a deep breath as the view in front of me wrapped around my being. There was something magical about being lost in the forest. With the trees behind me, the land spread for as far as the eye could see, and the sky a huge sprawling picture, I felt like I could breathe. I felt everything was lifted off of me, and for the first time in a long time I could feel my breath rush into me and leave as freely. The calm and silence from the view lifted my spirits. I breathed in the fresh air, feeling like the carefree girl I wanted to be. I was able to simply breathe. It was like the dirt below my feet, the diverse rainbow of varying shades of green splashed across the canvas, and the blanket of the barely grey skies were a painting. And this painting, which could only be painted by an artist so attuned to its surroundings, was made to calm the soul of humans. I took it all in, the greys, browns, and greens, the vibrant colors of life overwhelming my senses. It was completely freeing. It was too much. It was everything.

  Nature was not made to be taken all in, it was too big. It was a double-edged sword. It took you in with its freeing abilities, but the real scope of nature was all encompassing. This scene in front of me was too big. It engaged all of my senses and made me feel every emotion. How could one person, so small, make an impact when these mountains had been doing it for hundreds of thousands of years? They had continually been working higher toward the sky, in constant change for many ages. How was I, one person, supposed to find that greatness?