Finding June

by Caitlin Kerry

“I …” I stopped and closed my eyes. I tried again. “Will you be mad if I say I have no fucking idea? Because I don’t. I know I want you in my life in some way, and maybe that is selfish of me, but that’s my honest answer.”

  “It’s completely okay if you don’t know what you want right now. I’ll take you any way I can.”

  I didn’t know what it was about Reece, but I couldn’t lie to him. I was a person who spoke her mind, but he made me confront all of my issues, whether I liked it or not.

  “I want you, Reece. I want you in my life and letting someone into my life again is scary as hell. I haven’t even begun to figure out who I am, so letting you in seems pretty stupid from where I am standing.”

  His eyes shifted over me, a look of concentration on his face. His deep voice soothed over me as he spoke, “For a lot of years I pushed people away because I felt it was the right thing to do. When I got too comfortable in a place, I left. Recreating myself each time, trying to find a version of myself I liked. It took me a long time to realize how stupid that was. I’m only who I am. I can’t change that, and as much as I want to, I can’t change what has happened to me, what has shaped my life. I might not know everything, no one does. But, live your life, June, even if it is the scariest thing you have to do. Even if you don’t have it all figured out. Because I’m going to let you in on a secret, no one has it figured it out.”

  “What are you afraid of, what makes your life so scary?”

  He narrowed his eyes, like he was thinking about how to answer the question I had posed. “I’m afraid of a lot of things.”

  I smirked. “You seem to always have it together. You’re so easy going and it seems like a lot doesn’t bother you.”

  “Just because things bother me, doesn’t mean everyone knows about it. And fear is something you can’t escape. It is always there, but that doesn’t mean you have to let it control your life. You only have control over what you can control, everything else is out of your hands. You can’t worry about something when you have no say over it, no control.”

  “How do you do that? Put trust, faith, or hope … or whatever you want to call it in life. In trusting it will all figure itself out.”

  He was silent for a moment. “I thought I had it all figured out, June. I was going to go to school and get a degree, find a nice wife and buy a house. It was a simple plan, but the plan changed. No, the plan was destroyed when Rachel died. My plan didn’t make sense anymore. I thought it was perfect, but it wasn’t. Letting go of this idea of the perfect plan was hard. I felt like I was letting go of everything I knew, everything I had been told. It was like letting go of myself at first, but I started to realize I would never forget who I was, I would only be living a different life than I had planned. That wasn’t a bad thing.”

  “How come you haven’t really settled down?”

  He sighed, his hand stilling on my upper arm. “After Rachel I hated the plan. I couldn’t even think about it, knowing I would drive myself crazy. So I left and tried to figure it out. I tried to figure out what I wanted and I didn’t know if coming home was the next step or not, but life stepped in and made the decision for me. I’m still trying to figure out if this is where I belong. June, you are not alone in trying to figure out what to do next. You let it take over your life where as I … I try to live my life.”

  I couldn’t take my eyes off Reece when he talked. It seemed so simple. So fucking simple and I was still failing at it.

  “Let’s make a deal,” Reece said.

  My defenses went up. “Uhh … Last time I made a deal it was with Jo. I lost fifty bucks and ended up drunk and lost in Nampa.”

  Reece laughed, breaking the tension between us. “Not a Jolene type deal. Those do sound scary.”

  “Okay … I think,” I slowly answered.

  His hand started to move up and down my arm again, like he was preparing me for what he wanted to say. “For the next month, I don’t want you to worry your pretty head about anything. Don’t think about the future; don’t try to figure out your life. Live your life and have fun.”

  “What is your part of the deal?” I shifted in the bed, moving slightly closer to Reece.

  “Who said I was a part of this?” Reece put his other hand under his head, sitting up a bit.

  “Me.” There was no way this was going to be one sided. “So … what’s your part? You moved back home to live in the house you inherited. That’s pretty permanent. You have been all over, and maybe it’s your turn to figure out what you want to do. I won’t think about my future if you do think about yours. Deal?”

  “You drive a hard bargain, Just June. But … I will do it. That, of course, doesn’t mean I will have a concrete answer by the end of the month, but maybe I can at least have a direction.” By now Reece was ever so slowly trailing his fingers lightly over my arm, giving me goose bumps. I was trying to focus on what we were talking about, but the feather of his touch made it difficult.

  “That doesn’t mean I won’t be having panic attacks, but I will try as hard as I can to not think about it.” I hesitated as I said the next part, “What about us?” I focused again on his face, that beautiful face.

  “A question you keep asking. I thought I told you not to think, silly girl.” He smiled at me as he stilled his warm hand and wrapped it around my back, pulling me closer to him as he nuzzled my neck.

  “Is there an us? Or are we just friends … or do you go around giving tiny kisses to all the screwed up girls?” I said in a slight panic.

  “June.” He moved his face so it was in front of me. His features softened as he brought his hand up to my cheek. “I only have eyes for you, and I have had only eyes for you for a while now. If anything, I want to be a constant in your life, like your job and Jolene. I don’t want you to be afraid of what we can be, or of me. Just be June, I’m not going anywhere.”

  I took in his words and didn’t argue with him. How could you after the sweet words he had filled my head with? Instead, I said, “How do we make it official, this deal?”

  His half-smile turned into a sly grin. “Easy, seal it with a kiss.”

  Before I had time to answer, Reece leaned over and laid me on my back as he kissed me. He slipped his tongue into my mouth, exploring along with his hands. I tried to catch my breath from the intense kiss and as he pulled his mouth away and started to gently kiss my neck, little tiny kisses along my throat, and then a quick one on my collarbone.

  “Go to sleep, June. You sure do know how to keep a guy up.”

  He turned me around and put his arm around me, pulling me tight and letting me know exactly how up I had kept him.

  The shining sun through the window woke me up earlier than normal. Somehow, during the night, I had turned toward Reece, his arm wrapped around me. I was able to carefully lift his arm, moving slightly away from him. He snuggled deeper into the blanket that was only covering half of him. It was adorable. There was something about men when they were sleeping or just waking up. It was one of the cutest things on the planet, like a sleeping puppy. Actually, if there was a sleeping puppy lying in the creases of his arms, the two of them sleeping soundly, that would be heaven.

  Watching Reece was one thing, but ever since our kiss on the mountain, I felt like I couldn’t keep my hands off him. I tried not to over analyze each move, remembering the deal made the night before. Instead, I placed a kiss on his forehead like he had done to me so many times. I then kissed each of his closed eyes, moving down to the tip of his slightly crooked nose. He started to make very appreciative noises, as I finally kissed him softly on the lips. This finally woke him up and his eyes sleepily opened. Yep, this was perfection right here. I went in to kiss him again, and this time he was responsive as he kissed me back. We made out like teenagers hiding behind the bleachers, we couldn’t get enough of each other. His kisses were addictive and all I wanted to do was lie in this bed and make out all day. I didn’t even care about moving forward, this kissing was amazing. Reece shifted and sudd
enly I was underneath him, his hands running up my body.

  Okay, maybe I did want to move forward.

  His mouth moved to my neck, using his warm lips to lazily trail hot kisses from below my ear to my collarbone. His hands moved underneath my shirt and laid heavily on my waist as he claimed my mouth again. His hands and mouth were making me feel like there was this burning heat deep within me, coursing through my body, lighting me up and trying to find a way to shine, to release the built up energy. Our kisses were innocent in nature, but made me feel like I was drowning in desire, gasping for air and searching for the surface.

  Suddenly I heard a Jolene say from below, “Incoming!” I tensed as I heard it, and then I felt something hard hit the bed. I gave a loud eek as Reece chuckled and moved away from me to find the object that had ruined the moment. Reece searched through the down comforter that was in a tangle of knots to find an orange.

  Hooker was throwing fruit at me!

  “Jo, what the fuck? Why are you throwing fruit at us?” I yelled as I reached for my glasses.

  “Breakfast, come down and get it! Sounds like you guys need some fuel,” Jo stated.

  I knew she was just trying to piss me off. I wasn’t making that much noise. Was I? Oh fuck, I probably was. As I swung my legs over the bed, Reece stopped me. “Wait, one for the road,” he said, leaning me back and kissing me.

  I could get used to this.

  I woke up the next day with an idea in my mind I couldn’t stop thinking of. Actually, a couple of ideas. It was reckless and totally out of character for me, but I wanted to do it. I wanted to get a tattoo. The idea had come to me when Reece and I were driving home. Josh Ritter’s “Bone of Song” was playing through the Jeep and the lyrics hit so hard, I knew they would replay in my mind over and over again. Lucky are you who finds me in the wilderness … It was perfect. I fell in love with the words as soon as they played. I had heard the song before, but for some reason, in that moment, it was like the song was made only for me, those lyrics were meant to be heard clearly, meant to take root within myself. I couldn’t stop thinking about it, even when I woke up the next morning.

  The idea of getting a tattoo had been on my mind for a while, I was just never completely sure what to get. Owen was never on board for the idea, but newsflash, he never really was on board for much of anything I did. One of my regulars worked at a tattoo parlor a few blocks over and had told me on many different occasions he would be happy to ink me. I wanted to do this, a step in the direction of claiming my own self. I called my regular, Tank, and scheduled an appointment for the next day so I wouldn’t chicken out. At first I had wanted to go by myself, thinking that to be independent I should be able to do things on my own, but getting a tattoo was nothing to sneeze at. I called Jolene instead and she was quick to agree to join me. The next day she showed up at my apartment.

  “You ready?” Jolene sat on my couch, knowing I wasn’t ready.

  I popped out of the bedroom, throwing on the soft cardigan over the tank top I had on. I figured this would be best for my new addition. “Yes, I also am hoping you have time after to run another errand with me.” This was part of two of my crazy ideas.

  Jolene had my laptop and was probably scrolling through my Facebook, stalking our friends, not paying attention. I sat next to her. “I want to get a puppy.” Her head turned toward me, her eyes wide and mouth open. Geez, she was looking at me like I told her I was going to buy a baby raccoon not a puppy.

  “You want a puppy? Do you like dogs? Can you even have a dog here?”

  “Yes, I want a puppy. Yes, I do like dogs, my parents never let me have one growing up. And if my neighbor has a cat, I can have a dog.”

  This time she looked more suspicious, like she thought I was committing a crime. “What’s going on? Why are you calling me to get a tattoo and a puppy all in one day, which I will point out are both huge commitments, and all two days after whatever happened to you and Reece on the mountain?”

  I guess looking in, this all did seem a bit crazy, reckless, but damn people, I was pretty sure Jolene had been all on the “do reckless things” train. I told her quickly about the deal we had, where I wasn’t thinking about things and only doing.

  “Let me get this straight. Reece makes a deal about you being more carefree and not over analyzing the shit out of every move you do, and you decided to take this challenge on and to get a dog and a tattoo?”

  I nodded. “Yes.”

  “Shit, June, you’re taking this deal balls-deep. You’re not messing around. I think I’m impressed. I will, again, point out, tattoos and dogs … large commitments. Tattoos never, ever go away, and dogs are a lot to deal with. You sure about all this? And I know, no thinking, but please tell me this isn’t a knee-jerk reaction to you freaking out over Reece.”

  “I’ve always wanted a tattoo and there is nothing to stop me now. And puppies are adorable and I know a lot of work, but I think it’s a good time in my life for one. So, to recap, mom, I’m happy you’re concerned, but this is not a knee-jerk reaction to Reece. If anything, he is giving me the confidence to really take my life in control, to do what I want. I want a tattoo and a puppy. I will probably want lunch afterwards as well. You think you could be here for all of that? Puppies and tattoos and food?” I smiled and wrapped my arms around my Always Friend. She leaned in, our heads touching, returning my smile.

  “Only if you buy me lunch and let me help you pick out the puppy.”

  I laughed and pulled her off the couch. “Deal. Let’s go live my life, Jolene.”

  It had been a long day, but I was hyped up after all the changes that happened today, so I couldn’t help but go over to Reece’s that night. There was a wiggly warm bundle of fur in my arms and my shoulder was pretty sore from the tattoo. I knocked on the door, and moments later Reece opened, surprised to see me on his doorstep.

  “Hey?”

  “Hey.” I pushed past him into his house, the little guy squirming in my arms. I turned around to see him facing me with his arms crossed.

  “Can you hold him?” I shoved the wiggling puppy into his arms, not giving him a chance to answer.

  “Why do you have a dog, June?”

  I didn’t explain, but said, “I want to show you something.” I then proceeded to take off my sweater. I was wearing a camisole underneath, but Reece’s eyes were wide as I stripped off my sweater and threw it on the back of the couch.

  “Uh, June, what are you doing? I mean, I don’t mind you taking your clothes off, but I don’t know if this is a good time.”

  I stopped. “I’m not stripping for you.”

  “You took off your sweater and are wearing a tiny tank top underneath. And I’m holding a puppy that I’ve never seen before. This is a pretty bizarre situation for me.”

  I huffed and turned around, pulling the right strap of my tank top down. “Look.”

  I heard Reece take a step closer to me. “Wow, June, that is beautiful. I can’t believe you got a tattoo.”

  I turned around and pulled up my strap. I was about to answer when I heard a girly squeak behind me, “Ohhh, a puppy. Reece, did you get a puppy?”

  Suddenly there was a young girl taking the puppy out of Reece’s hands. I guess he had company over. Reece was right, this was a bizarre situation because I had no idea who this girl was. Why was she at Reece’s house? What was going on? In a split second, I took in her short dark hair that landed right below her chin and when she turned I recognized those eyes immediately. This must be Reece’s sister. For a second, I felt relief that I didn’t make a crazy scene and jump to conclusions, but also because she wasn’t some strange girl holding my puppy.

  The girl spoke again, “He’s adorable. Look at him! Reece, where did he come from?”

  Reece was standing there with one hand on his hip and the other rubbing the back of his neck. “He’s not mine. I’m not sure where he came from.”

  The girl looked at me, her face friendly and her eyes expressive. “Is he yours
?”

  I nodded. “This is Morrison. My new puppy, he’s a poodle and golden retriever mix.” I had gone to the pound and he stole my heart the second I saw him. Jolene pouted that I wouldn’t settle on the Pomeranian mix, but I told her those were devil dogs and my heart was already set. He was abandoned and found in a cardboard box by a grocery store. The second I picked him up, I felt my heart become full of love. He was mine.

  I looked back at Reece. Since he seemed speechless, I took it upon myself to introduce myself. “I’m June by the way, I work with your brother.” I heard Reece let out a huge breath.

  “June? You’re June? The June?” Guess she knew who I was. This wasn’t awkward at all.

  Reece’s pained look quickly came back. “Hannah, I thought you were leaving.”

  She decided to ignore him and said, “I have heard so much about you.” I glanced up at Reece, seeing a hint of red on his face.

  “You have?” I was curious to hear exactly how much.

  “Hannah, time for you to go. You have done enough damage tonight. Tell Mom and Dad I’ll think about it, okay?”

  I had heard Reece mention Hannah was a senior in high school this year. She looked young, but you could tell good looks ran in the family. Hannah rolled her eyes in true teenager fashion and handed the puppy back to Reece. Which I thought was weird, but then suddenly her arms were around me, squeezing me in a big hug. “I’m so happy I finally got to meet you. I can’t wait to see you next weekend at the farm.” Then in a flash she was out the door, a whirlwind of a girl.

  I looked back to Reece and said, “Why did she say that? About seeing her soon?”

  “So you got a puppy and a tattoo, full day for you,” Reece said, blatantly avoiding my question. He set Morrison down and went to close the door, but I stopped him before he made it past me.

  “I don’t think so, buddy. What does your sister mean? Why, pray tell, will I be seeing your parents soon?”

  Reece sighed. I stood there with my hands on my hips, waiting for an answer.