Finding June

by Caitlin Kerry

  I had tried so hard to push him away, away from my mess, but I couldn’t help it. I felt this pull to him I couldn’t explain. In the mess of my life, Reece was starting to be the only thing that made sense.

  Reece sighed. “I want to finish what we started, too … but not tonight. Not on the night I saw Rachel’s parents for the first time in seven years. I don’t want being with you to be connected to her.”

  While I was pouting over it, I understood where he was coming from. However, I was still a bit wary about letting him leave. I understood how quickly one could get lost in dark thoughts that totally messed with your head. I could see it in Reece all night. I got up from the couch and threw my tank top back on.

  “If you don’t want to be alone you can always stay here. I won’t attack you or anything. But I can be here to listen,” I said as I walked to the kitchen. Reece sat up and also grabbed his shirt. Starting a pot of hot water, I grabbed my box of tea out of the cupboard. I went to let Morrison out, putting him on his leash and taking him outside quickly. When I came back in, I let Morrison run around in circles in my tiny living room until his heart was content.

  “Making me tea?” Reece asked as he walked up behind me.

  “Yep. Whenever I was sad or had a bad day at school, my mom always made me tea. It was really one of the few warm, motherly moments we would have. I was always better after a cup of tea. It’s my go to.” I didn’t look at Reece, but focused on my dog finally settling down on his doggy bed.

  I turned around to see Reece right behind me. He tugged me close and wrapped his arms around me, kissing me on the top of my head. We moved to the kitchen and I poured two cups of hot water as Reece grabbed herbal sleepy time tea. I handed the cup to Reece and sat down next to him at the tiny table that took up most of the space in my kitchen.

  Reece blew on his tea, the steam rising from the plain red cup that must had been Owen’s at one point. I copied his movements, blowing on my own, the steam rising in my eyesight, filtering my vision of Reece. I took a small sip before asking, “Looks like I saw a part of your story tonight.”

  “That you did.”

  “It must have been hard, all those confrontations.”

  Reece sat back in his chair, his long legs stretched out. He looked past me as he spoke, “It was expected. Didn’t mean it was exactly fun, but I was expecting it. I can’t keep running from it all. You’re right, it’s a part of my story and it’s a part of me, good or bad.”

  “You always seem so brave. Like you can face anything head-on with the knowledge you’ll make it out on the other side.”

  Reece sat up in his seat and pulled my hands from my cup. This time, his eyes zeroed in on me, his gaze never wandering. “It’s not easy to think that way, it’s hard to take all that negative energy and throw it away, not give it the time of day. It took me years to even have moments like that. Moments, June, not all the time and honestly, you being there tonight helped. With you by my side I knew I would be okay, you were a part of my strength.”

  Gripping his hands, I moved from my seat to sit in his lap. I wrapped my arms around his neck. “I don’t know what to do with you, Reece. I feel caught in your presence, hypnotized by your words and entangled in your actions. What are you doing to me?” I softly said into his ear, admitting quietly so only we could hear. His arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me closer to him, our limbs intertwining around each other like the string holding our lives together.

  “I don’t know, June, but I don’t want to let you go.” His lips met mine as we kissed, and while it was as passionate as the one from earlier, there was something more in this kiss, unspoken truths coming out from us, both of us giving in to the unknown.

  We pulled apart, my hands tracing the strong features of his face; the slightly crooked nose, the strong chin, and those thick eyelashes. “Stay tonight. It’s been a long day and I want you with me. Just to sleep.”

  Reece took a few moments to think about his answer. “You sure? Last time you had a bit of a freak out.”

  “I’m sure,” I said. And I was.

  Reece and I climbed into my bed. He pulled me closer to him, placing his hand on my stomach and I could hear his breath in my ear. I felt secure in his arms. With Reece next to me, I felt like I had on the mountain, like I could breathe a little easier tonight. For tonight, things made sense. I couldn’t think of anywhere else I wanted to be. I fell asleep peacefully with thoughts of the heat of the solid body next to me.

  The sunlight streamed through my window, waking me up from my peaceful slumber. I felt the warmth from the sun and the body lying next to me. It took me a minute to recall why there was a warm body next to me, but then I remembered the night before. Oh did I remember it as I felt the blush creep up my neck. Slipping Reece’s hand away from me, I crawled out of bed. As I headed to the bathroom I heard a small noise. I looked over to Reece who was still asleep. I watched him take the rest of the blanket and burrow further into the bed. His hair was sticking up and there was a bit of a scruff on his face. He looked adorable lying there in my bed. I also wanted to have my way with him. Concentrate, June. Coffee then possible make out session.

  I finished up in the bathroom and went into my small kitchen to make coffee, which was always the first order of business for me. Since I had company I made a full pot. After starting the coffee, I took Morrison out for a brief walk. When I returned, I opened the fridge to grab creamer for my coffee and heard a cough behind me. I spun around to find Reece watching me.

  “Sorry. I figured I would give you some warning I was staring at your ass,” Reece said as he passed by me and took the creamer out of my hand. Gone was the sad Reece from last night, the one facing his demons, and back was my Reece. My Reece. I had apparently become possessive overnight. He set the creamer down on the counter and reached above the coffee pot to grab two cups out of the cupboard. He started to laugh as he pulled down the mug. I sighed, realizing Reece just had an insight into how weird I was.

  When I was in high school there was a guy named Matt who had a crush on me. It was Valentine’s Day and he gave me a coffee mug with a gorilla on it and the saying “My love will crush you.” He was a nice kid but a little off. When I brought home the mug my siblings thought it was hilarious, but I kept it because I felt bad throwing it out, I didn’t want to hurt the kid’s feelings. Ever since then my siblings started to give me coffee mugs with animals on it. My parents thought it was all ridiculous and never joined in the fun, but after Jo saw the cups when we moved in together she added to my collection. All of my coffee mugs—and I had a large collection of about twenty—had random animals on it. Reece had pulled down the infamous gorilla mug and one that had cow spots on it. Awesome.

  “You know, I am not going to ask. Somehow I am not even surprised you have all of these, June.”

  I grabbed the pot and poured coffee as Reece laughed at me. I couldn’t help but smile, too. I was proud of my coffee mugs. Owen thought they were ridiculous and made me put them in a box when we lived together, so when I moved into my own place I made sure I put them out.

  “Do you want me to make some breakfast?” Reece asked.

  “Oh well I don’t have a lot, but I think I have some cereal …” I didn’t entertain a lot nor did I have much in the food department.

  “That’s okay, I just need a few things.” Reece started to raid my kitchen, obviously making himself at home.

  “Sure. Good luck. Do you mind if I take a shower while you try to cook something out of nothing?”

  “Why would I mind? It’s your place.”

  “Um. I don’t know. Sorry, I usually don’t do this.” I motioned with my hand to him and me and this morning conversation.

  “Go shower, June, and when you come out breakfast will be ready.” Turning around, I headed to the shower, but Reece made sure to get in the last word. “Feel free to eat breakfast in your towel. I won’t mind.” Yep, my Reece was back.

  Shaking my head, I headed to the bathroo
m. Afterwards, I walked out to the small kitchen, the scent of something delicious filling the tiny apartment. I was braiding my hair as I walked out, not in a towel, but in sweats and a tank top. I saw Reece at the stove cooking me food.

  “What are you making?” I asked, grabbing my coffee mug and refilling it.

  “Crepes. I found some yogurt and strawberries in the fridge so you can put those on them.”

  I was about to take a sip of my coffee when he told me he was making crepes. I stood there with the mug halfway to my mouth and stared him down. In hindsight, there was really no way for me to fully understand why Reece making crepes made me upset . It was completely irrational, but humans tended to be irrational during random times. When I didn’t respond he, expertly, flipped the thin crepe and turned around to me with a raised eyebrow.

  “June?” he asked, a question in his voice.

  “You made me crepes?”

  “Yes ... I made crepes …” Reece said slowly, not really understanding where I was going with this. Crepes would be the thing that ruined the little love bubble we were living in. Reece was perfect. Even flawed, he was perfect, and this light, fluffy, pancake-like food would be the thing that brought on my self-doubt. Self-doubt was a bitch, who liked to creep up even when you thought you were strong.

  “Crepes,” I said bluntly.

  Reece turned back around and slid the breakfast onto the plate next to the stove. “Are you mad I made crepes?” he asked as he poured batter in the pan, swirling it around to spread the batter out.

  “No. I’m not mad you made crepes. Annoyed you seem to be perfect? Yeah, kind of. What do you suck at?” After the perfect night we had I wasn’t sure why I was freaking out, but it seemed my insecurities liked to rear their ugly head unannounced.

  “Well, since you asked …” he said with a wink.

  “Not what I meant!” Though that was now what I was thinking about. Damn. “I want a list, Reece. I want a list of all the things you are bad at. Now.”

  “June, what is the problem? I am nowhere near perfect, no one is.”

  “Everything seems to be so easy for you. I can’t compete with you.” It sounded silly saying it out loud, like a child who just wanted to play with the big kids. Unfortunately, I had said it and I couldn’t do anything about it.

  “It isn’t a competition. What is going on in your head right now? It’s just crepes. Flour and a little bit of milk. Really, that’s it.”

  “But who makes crepes? What extremely good looking man wakes up and makes crepes for someone like me?” At this point I was only one level below shouting.

  “You think I’m good looking?” Reece threw me his half-smile. With him standing there shirtless, hair going in every which direction, I almost, almost, forgot how upset I was. I closed my eyes, trying to focus.

  “I’m a mess, Reece. You’re not. Do you see the problem?” The words felt wrong and I was annoyed with myself about it all, like I was taking one tiny step forward and racing back a mile. However, I couldn’t help myself; the words were tumbling out of me. The words needed to be said, if only so I could see how ridiculous they sounded out loud compared to in my head.

  “Not this again. I’m not perfect. Nowhere close to it. You’re not a mess. Do you see the nonexistent problem? This idea you have in your head about us, about who I am and who you are is completely flawed.”

  “Then why is everything easy for you? I can’t even figure out what I want in my life, but it seems you’re good at everything.” I was the train conductor at this point, in the middle of orchestrating this giant train wreck of a conversation.

  “Again, not true. Not everything is easy for me. You know that, you saw me last night. Stop putting me on this pedestal, June. How many times do I have to tell you that there is nothing wrong with you? You’re the one hurting yourself right now and I know you’re better than that.” Anger I rarely heard from Reece was in his voice. He stopped talking and focused on his crepes. Silence fell over us. I could tell he was trying to compose himself, trying to calm down. I awkwardly stood there, irritated with myself and Reece. After a few more moments of silence, in a calmer voice he stated, “But if you are so hell bent to know my flaws, I will tell you. Grab a plate of food and sit your ass down. These are perfect I must say.”

  I was still angry over the crepes even if Reece had calmed down. And I was angry over what he had said, because it was true. I was only hurting myself. I huffed and puffed as I grabbed the plate of food. After I’d moved over to the small table we had tea over, I took a bite out of the crepes.

  Goddammit!

  They were perfect crepes.

  As I attacked them, Reece sat down next to me with his own plate of food.

  “Okay, you want to know my flaws?”

  I nodded as I shoveled food in my face. I saw Reece discreetly give Morrison a piece of his crepe. I didn’t blame him; I also had given in too many times, sneaking Morrison food. His puppy eyes were too much cuteness. I focused again on Reece.

  “You asked for it. You probably won’t even made eye contact with me after I tell you all of this.” His tone was light, trying to diffuse the tension.

  I highly doubted that. I was in need of reassurance, that whatever was going on between us was not going to be the same as with Owen, where I never felt like I was good enough. I needed to know I was on even ground with Reece. Sometimes I had no shame. Okay, most of the time I had no shame. Semantics.

  “First, I’m no good at math.”

  I waved my fork in the air, brushing off his first flaw. “Oh yeah that doesn’t count. No one is good at math and that is a skill not applicable in life. Next.”

  He laughed, the earlier anger completely gone as he took another bite. “Hmm. I’m not really a good flyer. I panic on planes. I prefer to drive and did between the places I lived.”

  I thought about it. “Flying? Passable, but I want something big. Something that either completely terrifies you or you’re really bad at.”

  “You don’t hold anything back, June, do you? You always want one hundred percent honesty.”

  “I guess. It is like when you are window shopping. You see something in the window you have to have, but when you get in the store you find something wrong with it. It could be the wrong size or the price is out of your budget, but you still buy it with its flaws.”

  “You’re lucky I have a sister and understand that analogy. Kind of. But I get it, you want the whole picture and if I am being completely honest, I want you to know me, June. It’s been a long time since I have wanted anyone to truly know me.”

  This man and his words, they blew me away that was for sure. They did something to me, made me believe love was more than being comfortable in a relationship, but it could be about finding someone who understood you as easily as you understood yourself, maybe even better.

  “Okay, you don’t have to tell me any more of your flaws,” I said, taking a drink of my coffee.

  Reece chuckled. “Hopefully, we’ll spend enough time together you will eventually find them all.” He grabbed both of our plates and put them in the sink to wash off. I joined him with our cups, and together we washed the few dishes we had dirtied. As I was drying the dishes and putting them away, I realized Reece had never answered the question about what really terrified him, but I let it slide. I hoped what Reece said was true and I would be able to spend enough time with him to find out what it was.

  Sitting on my couch cuddling with Morrison after Reece left, I spent the rest of the day thinking of the last twenty-four hours. I had spent the whole day and night with Reece and enjoyed it. I didn’t want it to end, and I wasn’t sure exactly where my feelings were going. Or at least, I wasn’t ready to admit anything. I hadn’t decided if it was lust, infatuation, or something more. I could deal with lust or infatuation. It made sense for me to find interest in another guy, it was time after being with Owen for so long and having had an appropriate amount of time to grieve the end of the relationship. However, if it
was something more, something more than lust, I didn’t know if I was ready. I still had two more weeks of the deal, so I decided to enjoy whatever this was and I would figure things out then. For my sanity, it seemed like the best plan.

  Saturdays could go fuck themselves.

  No seriously.

  I despised working Saturday nights. I loved my job, except for that night. People who went out to eat on Saturdays were different than people who went out to eat during the week. They were the people who lived for the weekends. They were people who came into town to grab groceries and food, not really knowing how to eat in public properly, and don’t even get me started on the less than stellar tips. I was currently halfway through my Saturday night shift and closing with a girl who had only been there for about a month. Her name was Caroline and she was obnoxious as hell; she wouldn’t shut up. Every time you asked her a question, she couldn’t simply answer with a yes or no. She had to give you at least a thirty second explanation and I honestly didn’t give two shits about what she was saying. I didn’t have time to listen to whatever bullshit excuse she wanted to throw at me. Yes or no was all I wanted, or a simple answer in ten words or less. Was that too much to ask? For Caroline it was.

  I had shitty tables all night and I was on my last nerve. I was pissed I was closing with Cant-Shut-Your-Gob Caroline. All I wanted was to go home and curl up with a glass of wine and a sappy girly movie. Reece was working tonight, but since our little sleepover last week, I unfortunately hadn’t seen him as much as I wanted. He still made sure to touch me whenever he could, whether it was passing behind me or a shoulder squeeze when he walked past me to grab the door. I would glance up and catch him watching me with those eyes, and I’d have to turn away before he caught the red that crept into my cheeks. The man made me blush more than I was comfortable with.

  My next table was five rowdy boys around my age. I was, of course, flirting with them because what server didn’t flirt with their tables if the circumstance arose? People gotta make money. I was grabbing the pitchers of beer I had convinced them to get when Reece walked up to the bar and grabbed his mixed drinks for his table.