The elevator ride was so short it felt as if the doors closed and opened on the same floor. I stepped off nervous and looked for the signs for room 248. I walked slowly trying not to look into the other rooms as I passed even though I could feel eyes looking at me. There was a station in the middle of the floor. I heard a voice.
“Miss which room are you looking for?” I turned to see a short Asian woman coming towards me.
“248.” I said.
“Oh Patricia’s room. You are?” She asked.
“Her daughter.” I mumbled. I didn’t like saying that out loud. She didn’t deserve to have a daughter as far as I was concerned.
“Her daughter! You must be Summer! Oh she’ll be so happy to see you. I’m Aoki, I’m one of her Counselors.” She reached out to shake my hand.
With hesitancy I extended my hand. “It’s nice to meet you Aoki. I won’t be long, I just needed to see her for a few minutes.
Aoki smiled. “Don’t you dare rush out of here. Today’s a good day anyway. We don’t have any sessions scheduled so the day is all yours. I know seeing you will make her day. She speaks of you fondly often.”
Aoki pointed towards a room in the corner of the wing. “Your mom’s in their Summer.”
“Thank you.” I said as I walked slowly toward the room.
I could see a woman sitting in a chair near the window. She was watching TV silently or more like the television was watching her as she stared ahead at the screen.
I entered the room and she didn’t turn her head towards the doorway. I spoke softly. “Mama.”
She turned her head and our eyes met. She screeched through the tears that immediately fell from her eyes. “Summer! Summer!” She put her hands over her mouth as if she was shocked.
I closed the door behind me but what I wanted to do was walk back out the door. I wasn’t ready for this moment but it was here.
I had learned to stop needing her a long time ago. Why did I feel my heart shredding when I saw her sitting there? Still. Calmer than I had seen her in the longest. She got up from the chair and sprinted towards me. She grabbed me in a tight embrace and sobbed like a newborn baby. She cried loudly as she hugged me and pulled herself back to look at me simultaneously as if she didn’t think I was real.
I couldn’t reciprocate the excitement she was feeling as I let my arms hang down by my side while she held on tight. I let her get her sobs out and when she calmed down she grabbed my hand and guided me over to a chair that sat close to the one she was just in.
“Sit down baby. Here.” She pointed to the empty chair.
I sat down still unable to say anything in response. I felt myself studying her face, looking for the crackhead I last saw, looking for the face she once had when she was my mommy. I found the person in front of me was someone in between the two. The years of drug abuse told their tale, although I expected that she would look worse. Her chocolate brown skin was still without a wrinkle, it was smooth and beautiful as it had been, yet her eyes showed fatigue. Her lips discolored from the years of the glass pipe, alcohol and cigarettes.
Mother had gained some weight since I had seen her last about five years ago. She looked healthy at what looked like one hundred forty pounds or so. Her once thick mane had become thin and she had it pulled back in one ponytail that just touched the top of her back.
She touched my hand apprehensively as if she didn’t know if it was the right thing to do. Then she spoke.
“Summer. My baby I’m so happy you came to see me. You look even more beautiful than I dreamed. How can that be?”
“Thanks. I don’t know why I’m here.” I stated as I put my head down, no longer wanting to look her in the eyes.
“It doesn’t matter why. I’m just so happy to see you. I’ve had so many conversations with you in my head Summer. I’ve told you I’m sorry one hundred times.” She said as she began to cry.
It was hard for me to feel sympathetic, but then it was hard for me not to feel sympathetic.
“I’m really not here to hear I’m sorry. Maybe I am. I don’t know. I just felt I needed to see you. I needed to get you behind me.” I stated coldly.
“Get me behind you? What do you mean? I’m your mother Summer, how can you want me to get behind you, like I don’t exist.” Mother said.
“Yes you’re my mother, it’s nice that you realize that now that I’m grown. Real nice. I need to know how you slept not wondering about me? Not caring if I ate or drank, pissed or shit!” I hissed.
“Summer I wasn’t well! I had an illness that kept me from caring about much of anything including myself. The drugs I was on were powerful. They take over and…”
I cut her off. “And what? So tell me something. You didn’t think of me the first time you put that shit in your system? You didn’t think, I still have a child to care for?”
“It’s not that simple Summer! When your father put us out, I was devastated! He put us out and moved in my best friend! You don’t know what that did to me.” She cried.
“No I don’t know what it did to you! I know what it did to me! You had another man’s child! How was he supposed to react? You made a fool out of him! How could you?” I couldn’t help but burst into tears as I recalled the feeling of that day.
My mother got up from her chair and held me as I cried in her arms just like I did that day when we got to grandmother’s apartment. That day was the last time until today that my mother had held me in her arms. My chest moved rapidly as the tears streamed down my cheeks and she wiped them away as her own tears fell on me assisting in the wetness of my face.
I felt something I didn’t think I would feel. Comfort. As my head rested on her bosom and she stroked my curls like she used to do when I was a little girl.
“I needed you, mommy. I needed you so much.” I said through tears.
“I know Summer. I know and I’m so sorry that I put my own grief before yours. That was the worst mistake I ever could’ve made. You were a bright light in our lives, you brought so much joy to that house when I had you.” She said through her own tears.
“How did I happen? Why? Weren’t you and daddy happy? I only remember you both seeming so in love.” I asked.
The truth of it was that the older I got the more I understood about adult relationships and how things aren’t always as they seem but I needed to hear the story of how I came to be from her.
My mother sat me up to face her so that I could see her as she verbalized her sorrow.
“Summer I need you to know that you weren’t something that just happened. Your father and I were happy as far as everyone could tell. He was and I’m sure he is still a good man. He also didn’t deserve the hurt and pain I brought him. But things had been off for a while in our relationship. Joe worked hard and always made sure we had the finest of everything he could get his hands on, but he wasn’t the most loving of men. I mean affection Summer. I’m not blaming him because I know I was wrong for stepping out. I was with Joe since I was a teenager, sixteen in fact. He was the only man I had been with until I went out and made you. I had been on the job down at the Social security office for a while. I would see Liam in the office, he wasn’t my boss but he managed another department. One evening there was an after work event that we all went to. Everyone was drinking and being even more social than we were in the office. Liam and I took up conversation, we realized we had a lot in common. He was married with a family at home. He wasn’t looking for love, just a little fun. I was looking for excitement, the thrill of a new experience and an unfamiliar touch. Liam was very sweet and gentle with me. We’d meet up after work or whenever we could sneak away. At times we even played hooky from work together and meet at the nicest of hotels to spend our day, he introduced me to Cocaine. We would do it when we hung out, not all the time. We just did it for fun. It started becoming apparent to people at work that we had something going on. I didn’t care what they thought though. I was having the time of my life, enjoying him. But then it happened. Joe kne
w I was pregnant before I did. I hadn’t even realized that I missed my period until he looked at me one day with pride and asked me when we were due. Had I had an idea that I was pregnant before Joe mentioned it, you may not have been here. I couldn’t get rid of you once he found out I was pregnant because that would’ve caused suspicion from the onset. At first I wasn’t sure if it was Joe’s or Liam’s but deep down inside I had a feeling that you were Liam’s baby. The pregnancy felt different than it had when I carried your brothers. I didn’t tell a soul though, well no one except Debbie. She was my best friend; she had been since we were in grade school I had no reason to think that she would betray me the way she did. She was like a sister to me.” My mother began to sniffle as she stifled what sounded like weeping.
“So what happened when my real father found out? Did you tell him about me?” I asked.
“After Joe found out I was pregnant I stopped seeing Liam. I don’t know why I thought if I stopped messing with him at that point, that you would be Joe’s baby. I just did. Before I started to show he asked me if everything was okay and why I refused to hang out with him anymore. I told him that I was pregnant and he had a fit. He told me that I had to get rid of the baby immediately. He turned beet red in the middle of the kitchen area of the job. Liam was scared that I would ruin his home and work life with a baby. I told him that I had no intention of putting the baby off on him and that I was hoping it was my husband’s. After that Liam avoided me. He watched my stomach grow from a far only exchanging basic business pleasantries with me if anyone was around. While I was in labor I was so scared wondering what you were going to look like. I’m dark brown, Joe black as night and here you come bright as the sun. When Joe looked down at you for the first time as you came out I thought he was going to kill me right there, but he looked into your light eyes and the look of joy that came over his face was something I hadn’t even seen with the birth of your brothers.” She said.
“Do you think he knew then? How could he not?” I wondered out loud.
“I don’t know Summer. I feel like he may have known deep down inside but he couldn’t or wouldn’t bring himself to think it at all possible. It was like love at first sight. You were treated like a living doll, a princess. You brought such joy to the house, we were all in love with you.” My mother said as she reminisced.
“In love with me? I guess I should be grateful for the ten years I had of that?” I said sarcastically.
“We all still love you including Joe I’m sure.”
“I highly doubt that. I haven’t felt anything close to love from any of you. How could you leave me with grandmother? That woman hated me too.” I said.
“She doesn’t hate you Summer. She just has a hard time showing affection and love. It’s the reason why I got pregnant and got married so young. I wanted to get away from her.”
“Can you tell me my father’s name? I’d like to know that. I don’t know if I’ll ever try to find him but I’d like to get an idea of who and what I came from.” I asked.
“You look like him in some ways. You have his eyes and that blond hair. Liam McNeil, he lived on Long Island somewhere. Once you were born and I went back to work, I put your picture up on my desk. About a week after that he transferred out of the office to go run an office in Queens I heard. People claim your baby picture reminded him of the one he had on his desk of his daughter, I think her name was Katie.” My mother stated.
“Katie. I have a sister named Katie.” I said shaking my head.
“Summer. Look at me. I need you to forgive me.”
“I want to tell you that I do. But I can’t tell you that at this point. It hasn’t been easy; I’ve made a way the best way I knew how.” I said.
“Yeah I came home one day and your grandma told me you moved out with some guy.” She said.
“And what did you do? Nothing! Any other parent would’ve called the police or been out looking for their daughter. You didn’t know what was happening to me but it was okay for me to be gone and out of your hair!” I yelled getting angry again.
“I have to live with that for the rest of my life! I do! You don’t think that fucks me up every time I think about how I did my child? I gave birth to you! I did.” She said as she pounded her chest trying to make her point.
“I really don’t care how fucked up you feel. Let me be clear.” I said pounding my own chest.
“Summer! We can’t go backwards. I can’t go backwards. If I could I would in a heartbeat!” She said.
“Yeah I bet you would and I wouldn’t be here to have caused such havoc in your little world.” I said as the tears made their way to the rim of my eyes. I was doing everything I could to hold them back.
“One thing I never would change is having you! Not for one second, not for a million dollars. Look at you! Look at what I gave birth to! You are one of the most beautiful people I have ever laid eyes on. Let’s face it, you don’t look like you’re suffering. I recognize luxury and expense. I was never rich but at one point I had a few nice things too.” She said.
I got up to leave and she grabbed my hand and steered me back to the chair.
“I really need to be going. I have a few things to close out.” I stated.
“Close out? You going somewhere?” She questioned.
“I may be. I’m thinking about it. I need a little space outside the busyness of New York to think and figure out my next move.”
“Are you working? In school?” She asked as if she were shocked that I was thinking of leaving.
“I’m in my last semester of a combined Executive business program. But I need the break.” I said.
“Don’t leave Summer. Please. I feel we may have an opportunity to build something together. I’ve already missed so much of your life. I’m getting healthy, I want to be there for you.” She said.
“If I hadn’t come here today. Would you have looked for me? Would you have even known where to start?” I questioned.
“I. I. I would’ve found you. I know I would’ve.” She stuttered.
I got up this time determined to leave. I had the information I always wondered about. My father’s name at least that was a start.
“I have to go mother.” I started walking away.
She got up and grabbed me around the waist from behind. “Summer I love you. I love you. I love you. Forgive me. Forgive me baby please.” She repeated as she squeezed me tight.
I allowed her to hold on to me for a few seconds before I removed her.
“That’s why I have to go find my peace. I need the peace so I can work on that forgiveness mother.”
I was almost out of the door when I heard her whimpering, crying incoherently. I turned to her and said before I walked out “I love you too. I always will. You’re my mommy, the only mommy I’ve had. I hold on to the good times and that’s what got me through a lot of nights in that back room at grandmothers. But I gotta work on how to stop thinking about the bad times. That’s going to take some time.” I said sympathetically and closed her room door behind me.
I exhaled when I got on the other side of the door. I could see the eyes of the staff and other residents of the facility looking at me. Some with shock and others with sadness. I put on my shades and made my way of out the sterile environment into the cold air that awaited me.
I thought about what she said, and it still didn’t sit well with me. I don’t care what she was going through she had no right to stop caring about me. It was going to take me a long time to get over that even though I did feel a sense of relief and closure that I had seen her. I was glad to know that she seemed to be getting back on track, so hopefully she could enjoy the rest of her life with some semblance of normalcy.
I contemplated going to see Joe, even with how he treated me last, I still loved him. Besides I wondered if he and Debbie were still together. I wanted to see Debbie’s ass anyway. Now that I’m an adult I was wondering if she would feel bold enough to put her hands on me again. I wanted to give her the ass w
hooping my mother failed to. That was a straight violation on her part and she deserved what I had in store. But that would be for another time, not today. I had to get back to the hotel and make sure I had everything together. I called the garage and made arrangements so that they would pick me up from the hotel, drop me at the airport and then they would park the car. The company had stellar ratings so I was relieved that it would keep me from running around so early the next day. My flight was scheduled to leave at 7 a.m. so I needed to be at the airport by 5 in the morning.
I stopped at the Paramus Mall and picked up an outfit to travel in. I wanted something light and flexible. Since it was warm in Vegas I didn’t want to get off the plane and instantly begin to sweat from the heat. I had flown to Vegas by request of clients on Private Jets in the past and I knew how the dry heat could hit you as soon as you stepped off the plane, especially if you were traveling in from a cold climate. I thought back to a time when I had flown in to New York from Paris just leaving one of my most wealthy patrons and hopped on a waiting private jet at an airport in Long Island to fly out to Los Angeles to entertain this movie producer who was notorious for his body odor. I was repulsed by his smell and couldn’t coax him into the shower for anything. He paid very well though, the fact that I charged him extra and he was willing to hand over the cash was enough to have my nose stomach his funk. The one time I made the mistake of attempting to go down on him was the last, the scent of unwashed ass and balls was enough to almost make me hurl on him. After that I refused to give him head, I thought that would be the end of his sponsorship but it wasn’t. He still requested me and the other girls regularly.
I got to the Mall and almost went crazy shopping until I realized that I needed to pack light, I could pick up my new wardrobe when I got where I was going. I walked into Juicy Couture and picked out a cute black and gold velour pantsuit. I wondered around the mall until I decided on a pair of cute Gucci sneakers, a new Gucci travel bag to keep the things I needed close and a little strappy top to put on under my pantsuit so that I could take off my jacket as soon as I landed. I bought myself a new pair of Prada shades and did a little makeup shopping at MAC. I didn’t need much, and I didn’t wear much makeup but a new lip-gloss always made me feel better for some reason.
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