We ride home in silence as I wonder how many other secrets he is keeping from me. I walk into the house and sit down on the couch, unsure how to phrase what I need to say.
“Ava, you were incredible,” Enzo tells me.
“Good,” I say softly.
“I hope they’ll leave us alone now.”
I sigh, “Yeah, me too.”
Enzo sits down next to me and takes my hand in his. “What’s the matter, Ava? You seem unhappy. What can I do?”
“What does BDSM mean?”
The smile disappears from his face. “You don’t know?”
I shake my head.
“It’s an acronym for bondage, domination, submission and masochism.”
“Huh?”
He sighs. “For the lifestyle I told you about.”
“I take it that tying someone to a headboard is not a lifestyle?”
“It’s more involved than that,” he tries to explain. “What you and I did was not really that.”
“But what you and Emma did was?” I ask.
“I thought we discussed this. Do we have to talk about it again?”
“I have a right to understand what you were being asked.”
He stares at me for a moment. “Yes, what I did with Emma was BDSM.”
“That reporter said you were with her for a year. You said you rarely saw a woman twice, but you saw her for a year, Enzo.” My voice cracks, revealing my hurt feelings.
“I was not with her, Ava. I told you I saw her many times.”
“A year is a lot more than many.”
“I wasn’t exclusive with her,” he argues.
“I’m not sure you’re being completely honest with me. A year is long enough to develop feelings for someone.”
“I did not have feelings for her.” Enzo pulls his hand away and stands up. I watch as he paces the living room.
“What did you mean by a consensual physical arrangement?”
“Jesus, Ava, exactly what it sounds like. I had sex with her on a regular basis, nothing more. There were no feelings involved.”
“You told me before that you got bored with women after you had sex with them. Why not her? Why was she special?” I ask, confused.
“I thought we worked through this. I knew it was a bad idea to take you to the conference.”
“You didn’t answer me.” I’m in my ‘dog on a bone’ mode. I will not let this go.
“She wasn’t special.”
“She obviously was in some way because you kept going back. I’m not going to let this go, so you might as well tell me everything.”
“I’ve told you as much as I’m going to say,” Enzo replies. “As you said, the past is the past. I want to move on from here. I assure you that I did not have romantic feelings for her. It was just sex. I’ve never loved anyone before I met you. Can’t that be enough for you?”
“I thought we had nothing to hide from each other, but, clearly, we do. I know you love me, but you are not being open and that hurts.”
He shoots a look at me, his eyes cold and neutral. “This is the one area of my life that you need to leave alone. I’m warning you. Let it go.”
“Warning me?” I’m incredulous.
“Yes. We’re not discussing it anymore, period. I’m going to Girasole to get some work done. When I get back, I expect that I won’t be asked any more questions on this topic.”
Wow. He’s treating me like one of his employees who are required to obey his every word. I don’t know why he is holding back on this, but I’ve clearly hit a nerve. I guess that I have a choice, either I keep pushing and probably end up in World War III with him, or I can shut up and let it go. I think for a moment. I can’t let it go.
“Yes, sir.”
“Don’t call me that and stop being a smart ass.”
I refuse to give in, even though I know he’s angry. I don’t deserve to be pushed away because of this. “I’m just obeying your command, sir.”
“Christ, Ava, you’re pissing me off.”
“That much is obvious.”
Enzo runs his hands through his hair and gazes out the French doors into the backyard. I sit quietly on the couch, waiting for his fury to hit.
He takes a deep breath. “I don’t want to fight with you. I’m going out, and I’ll be back in a few hours.”
“And what shall I do while you’re gone?” I ask, clearly being sarcastic.
He turns to face me with a look that sends a foreboding chill down my spine. “Ava, I love you, but you are pushing me too far.”
That’s enough for me to know that I should back off. As tough as I think I am, I know what his anger can be like, and I’m not ready to deal with it again.
“I would like you to stay here, away from the media. Can you please do that for me?” His voice is calm, but I can hear the underlying tension.
I nod. “Yes.”
“Good. Thank you.” Grabbing his keys, Enzo heads in the direction of the garage. Before he leaves, he turns and walks back towards me. “Come here,” he says softly.
I stand and approach him, and he wraps his arms around me.
“I’m sorry, Ava. I don’t want to keep things from you, but this is just not something I want to talk about yet. I can’t. I’ve already told you more than I ever wanted to.” He sighs and pulls me tighter. “You’re safe here. There are bodyguards outside and the cameras are on. Please stay here until I get back, just until things die down.”
I nod and he kisses the top of my head, saying, “Ciao, bella.”
As soon as he leaves, I grab my iPad and log onto the internet. If he won’t tell me the details, I’ll just have to learn things for myself. I search for ‘Emma Carlyle’ and start reading. I find out that, apparently, she’s the town whore, sleeping with just about every prominent man around. She’s gone so far as to share her dalliances with married men. That is so low. What could be her motivation for writing such a book?
I know Enzo will never tell me the details, so I make a decision to download the book and read it for myself. At least I’ll know firsthand what she wrote, and maybe I’ll learn something about my secretive husband in the process. I find the book, What you didn’t know. How fitting, I think, hitting the ‘buy’ button. I wait as it downloads.
My heart races as I open the first page. I feel guilty going behind my husband’s back, but he’s given me no choice. I start scanning the pages, searching for information on Enzo. Then I find it, chapter three is called ‘That fine Italian hand.’ Part of me thinks I’m not going to like this, but the other part feels that I have to read it at this point. I’m committed and my curiosity won’t let me look away. I start reading…
“When I first laid eyes on Enzo Milano, I was drunk. Drunk and in a bad position with my date – a guy I’d picked up online. Enzo came to my rescue while I was trying to ditch him. The next thing I know, he’s driving me back to my apartment. Of course, you’ve all seen Enzo. He’s a spectacular-looking man. His features are perfect and his voice is so sexy. I immediately knew I would give this man anything he wanted.”
I suddenly feel extremely uncomfortable knowing I had very similar thoughts when I met Enzo. I still do.
“We had an amazing night. The first of many, I would come to find out. I also learned a little something about our friend Enzo that night. Enzo, it seems, was experimenting with a lifestyle called BDSM. I was new to it, but I would do anything to keep him around – anything. Enzo told me I would have to do whatever he said. He wanted to control me, dominate me, and make me do things I’d never done before. He wanted to own me, like one of his fine properties, and I wanted to let him. It was the first time in my life that I gave all my power away to a man.”
Whew, this is getting harder to read. I’m not sure I can continue, but I’m not sure I can stop. As she writes, Emma gets more detailed with every paragraph. There may be a very good reason why Enzo wanted to keep this from me. Against my better judgment, I read on.
“I re
member the first time he made me crawl and beg…”
Oh shit. Crawl? Shit.
“…the time he kept me shackled to the bed for two days, only releasing me for bathroom and water breaks.”
Shackled? I don’t want to read anymore, but I can’t help myself.
“I wanted to please him. I would do anything for him. He made me call him sir. I had to ask for permission to come. If I asked the right way, I was guaranteed a night of mind-blowing orgasms. He was the most amazing lover I’ve ever had. It was exciting, no, more than that – exhilarating. Yes, it was exhilarating.”
My stomach rolls and I feel like I might be sick. She had to ask permission to come? Enzo never talks to me like that and he hates it when I call him sir. Now I know why – it reminds him.
“He had some very strange habits though. For one, he would never sleep over, no matter how late at night it was. He also avoided mouth kissing, telling me I didn’t deserve his kisses. I tried every time I saw him to earn a kiss, but I was never successful. I don’t know if it was part of the game or if he was like that with every woman. Regardless, I dreamt of getting one of those elusive kisses from his seductive mouth.”
Even in writing, I can sense her desperation in trying to gain his attention. I read quickly to the back of the chapter, wanting to know how it ended between them.
“I remember the day like it happened this morning. He told me he’d had enough and didn’t want this kind of lifestyle anymore. He called it ugly and called me pathetic. I begged. I crawled on the floor in front of him. No, he can’t leave, I thought, this can’t be. Where did I go wrong? How did I fail, I asked him. I told him I loved him, and he laughed. He was so cruel that day, but he always was.
“Still, I loved him, so I pleaded. I said I’d be anything he needed, but he told me he didn’t need me anymore. He said he wanted a woman who could be strong. I told him I could be that, and he laughed again. He knew it wasn’t true, and so did I. He knew I could only be submissive now. It was in me.”
“I would only have relationships like this from now on. He brought me into his world and left me there while he just moved on to the next beautiful girl. It broke me. I tried so many times to get him back, but he wouldn’t even speak to me. He acted as though we’d never met. When I saw him in public, his eyes were cold and vacant. I could please him no more.”
Tears fill my eyes. This strange, dark story of the man I love hurts. I wonder what made him decide to leave – did he have enough of that lifestyle or just enough of Emma? I read the last page of the chapter with a heavy heart.
“And now Enzo announces he’s getting married. My heart is broken. Another woman has found what pleases him and he will never be mine again.”
I wipe away the tears that fall down my cheeks. He obviously hurt her badly. I realize Emma loved him in some weird way and he didn’t even care, or at least that’s her story. I can’t believe that the description of the man in this book is the same one I married. I know Enzo can be cold, I’ve seen it. But I can’t imagine him treating me the way he treated her. I mean, withholding kisses?
Still, Enzo admitted to me that it is still a desire of his to be rough in that way. He still wants it. For whatever reason, he’s trying to fight it for me. Strangely, I feel an overwhelming desire to talk to Emma. I want to find out why she wrote this. Why now? When she wrote it, she knew Enzo was getting married, so she must have hurried to get it published. Is she trying to get him back and hurt him by exposing his secrets?
Deciding to find out more about the woman, I search her name on the internet to see what I can find. I discover that she has been noticeably absent from the public eye since the release of the book a week ago and took a leave of absence from her job because of the media attention.
I click on some photos. Emma is blond and beautiful, with a small frame and delicate features. Although she is slim, she has curves that most women would die for. I cannot help but feel jealous just looking at her. He married you, Ava, not her. I try to calm myself.
He wants me now, but he got sick of her. Who can say he won’t tire of me in a year? We’ve been together less than six months – maybe all of this happened too fast. I shake my head as the thoughts go round and round. He loves me, only me. I know he wouldn’t lie to me, so it must be true.
I lean back on the couch and read the entire book in two hours. Emma reveals the dirty secrets about all her relationships, before and after Enzo. There are no other facts about her life other than her dealings with men. The book takes on a tone of remorse towards the end – remorse that she didn’t value herself more and chased after men to validate herself.
Emma seemed to use sex as a means to attract and keep men. Everything that followed Enzo was sad in her constant search for another dominant master to take his place, but every man fell short. I know that much is true, as no one could ever match up to Enzo. If I lost him, I would be devastated, just like Emma.
Hearing the garage door open, I shut down the iPad, hoping that my face doesn’t give away my emotional turmoil.
“Ciao, bella,” Enzo says. He smiles, but I can tell he is still preoccupied.
“Ciao,” I reply, trying to keep my doubts to myself.
“What were you doing?” he asks.
“Nothing important,” I lie.
“I want to talk to you.”
Oh, a change of heart, perhaps.
“I’m listening.”
He sits down next to me on the couch. “I need to ask you to trust me. I had a different life before I met you, and one I’m not proud of. Now I’m paying for those choices by having my private life exposed. I know you think I’m hiding things from you. I promise I’ll talk when I’m ready, but I’m not ready yet. Can you understand?”
After reading what I did today, I completely understand why he doesn’t want to tell me anything. “Yes, I get it, but I don’t like it.”
He nods. “I know you don’t, but thank you.”
“What else am I gonna do, Enzo? I can’t make you do anything.”
“I can’t make you do anything either.” He smiles.
Oh, yes he can. Now I wonder if he wants to, like he did with Emma, and whether it’s something that is in you, like she wrote in the book. Perhaps it’s not in me, and maybe it’s not in Enzo anymore either. Or is it?
“Are you hungry?” he asks, rubbing my hand.
“No.” Even though I haven’t eaten all day, I have zero interest in food after all this.
“Have you eaten today?”
“I had some fruit,” I lie again.
Enzo narrows his eyes at me.
Shit. I suspect he doesn’t believe me, but he doesn’t push it.
He settles back on the couch next to me. “Then what should we do tonight, amore?”
“Whatever you want,” I reply, resisting the urge to call him sir and stir up our fight again.
“I’ll make dinner. Do you think Chris and Cassandra will want to join us?”
“Not sure. She left a note that they went sightseeing today and they’re not back yet.”
“Va bene. I’m going to take a shower. Want to join me?” His eyes twinkle.
With horror, I realize that I don’t want to join him. I’m so confused about everything that the last thing I feel like doing is having sex.
Noticing my reaction, his eyes fill with sadness. “You’re still upset with me, and rightfully so. Let’s shower anyway. I won’t touch you. We can just relax.”
“Okay.”
I stand quietly and follow my husband into the bedroom. Stripping off my clothes while he starts the shower, I find my mind is muddled with so many different thoughts. We both have secrets now and it doesn’t feel good. My stomach churns with nausea. Shaky, I sit down on the chaise lounge to try to settle my nerves.
Enzo walks back into our room and stands before me, naked. As usual, I am taken aback by his looks, and I understand why Emma wanted to keep him and how much it must have hurt her when he left. But I hate th
at every thought I have right now includes her.
“Are you okay, amore?” Enzo kneels down in front of me and brushes my hair back from my face. He leans forward and kisses me softly.
I get his kisses freely. I always have. Remember that.
“Amore?” he asks again.
“Yes, I’m okay. I don’t feel very well, but I’m sure it’s just stress. I’ll be fine.”
He looks sad. “I’m so sorry. This is all my fault.”
“It’s fine. I’m fine.” I pull myself up, but sway a bit.
Enzo wraps his arms around me. “Ava, you’re not okay. Come and lay down.” He takes my hand and leads me towards the bed.
Just before I reach it, a fresh wave of nausea hits me, and I feel like I am really going to vomit this time. I rush into the bathroom, even though my stomach is empty, and kneel in front of the toilet. Heaving violently, I release nothing, my stomach clenching with each movement. Feeling miserable, I sit still on the bathroom floor, wishing that I had eaten after all.
Enzo sits down beside me, his face filled with concern. “Bella,” he whispers.
Remembering the shower, he stands and turns it off, before wrapping a towel around my shoulders. We sit there quietly for a long time, both of us naked, waiting for my stomach to stop trying to purge what isn’t there. Cold sweat covers my body and I start to shiver from sudden chills.
“Let’s get you back into bed,” Enzo suggests, helping me up and into a robe.
Slowly, I walk to the bed and plop down in it.
“I’ll bring you some juice and some soup,” he says. I watch him put on a robe and leave the room.
I feel awful. Not only have I lied to the man I love, but now my body is rebelling against me, too. Could things get any worse?
7 CHAPTER SEVEN
I hear a soft knock on my bedroom door. I look up to see Cassie smiling. “Can I come in?” she asks.
“Of course.”
“Enzo said you’re not feeling too good. You alright?”
“Just an upset stomach. I’m good.”
“Um yeah, no you’re not. I can tell from your voice. Talk to me,” she says, seeing straight through me.
Turn Towards the Sun Book Two: After the Rain Page 10