I pause. “Well, let’s see. Since June, I’ve married a man I’ve known for four months, was held hostage by a crazy woman with a gun, and, oh, my husband’s ex-fling wrote a tell-all book about him, exposing their sexual habits.”
“Wait,” Cassie gasps. “What? What’s this about a book? Is that what the call was about last night? When the fuck did this happen?”
“While we were in San Diego,” I reply, feeling surprisingly emotionless about the chain of events. “We had a press conference this morning.”
“Whoa,” she says, leaning against the bed.
“Do you know what BDSM is?” I ask her.
“Yeah, but what’s that got to do with anything?”
“How do you know what that is, Cass? I’d never heard of it.”
“I read this really cool book last summer, the one with all the domination and stuff. I thought it sounded fun, so I researched it online. Chris and I went to this workshop about it at that huge sex toy store in downtown Denver.”
“You and Chris do that stuff?” I ask, amazed.
“No. Well, I guess we mess with it sometimes, but nothing hard core. Why are we talking about this?”
“Are you the dominant or the submissive one?” I ask.
“Neither. Geez, Ava, I know we’re close and all, but why are you asking me these questions. Do you want to try that stuff?”
“No.”
“Does Enzo?”
“No. He did already,” I admit to her. “It’s in the book.”
“Shit. Really?”
“Yeah, and it’s all crazy stuff, like cuffing her to a bed for days and making her ask to come. Shit like that.” I keep my voice to a near whisper as I doubt that Enzo would like me telling Cassie, even though everyone in Arizona must know by now.
“Dang. But if he’s not into it anymore, why are you asking?”
“I don’t know. I guess I’m just trying to understand it. It was a big deal. Enzo was really upset about it and was worried that I would judge him. And, I read it behind his back.”
“You read the book?”
I nod my head and feel my stomach churn again.
She rubs my hand. “Well, if he’s over it, I wouldn’t sweat it. Does it bother you that he was into it back then?” she asks.
“Maybe… I guess I just wondered if it was something you just try and get over.”
“I guess it depends on how into it you are. For me and Chris, it’s more like something we play with every now and then. Just bring it out for fun, you know. Like a blindfold or a little spanking. It’s more like BDSM light. What did Enzo say about it?”
“He said he was experimenting and liked the control. But he got bored with it over time and he says he has no desire to do it again but a little rough play is good.”
“Yeah, that’s normal,” Cassie says. “Didn’t you and any of the other guys you dated before do stuff like that?”
“Not really. Maybe I’m more boring than I thought.”
“For a girl who messed around as much as you did, I’m surprised.”
“Cassie, you’re making me sound like a slut. Granted, in my youth I may have been a little scandalous, but I only had one boyfriend in the last four years, not counting Enzo. I hardly call that promiscuous.”
“I know. I just get a kick out of teasing you. But, seriously, maybe you should’ve messed around more. Your virginal point of view is kind of creepy sometimes.”
“I do not have a virginal point of view,” I protest. “I think the problem was that I had uninspired lovers. Until now, that is.”
“Okay, so now you’re in a loving, committed relationship. Explore some.”
“I will, but that’s not the problem.”
“What is the problem then?” she asks.
“I don’t know.”
“You’re over-thinking things – your specialty.” She cackles and flings those blond curls back. “You need to learn to just go with things. Sounds like the book came as a shock, but you are working through it, right?”
“Yeah.”
“Yeah, so it’s all good,” she soothes. “Don’t make me go all gangsta on your ass, ‘cause you know I will.”
“I know.”
“And don’t let me run into this Emma bitch.”
“She’s not worth it.”
“Ah ha! You just said the magic words – she’s not worth it. So shake it off, sister.”
“You got me, Cass. I’ll work on it. Thanks for listening.”
“Girl, you know you don’t have to thank me,” she says. “If you can’t talk to me, who can you talk to?”
“Very true.”
“Repeat after me, don’t over-think it.”
“Don’t over-think it,” I repeat. “Got it.”
“Good. Get some rest.”
“I will.”
****
When I open my eyes again, it’s dark outside and the space next to me is empty. I climb out of bed and wander into the living room. Enzo isn’t there. I check the kitchen in vain and then walk down the hall, only to see a dim light coming from his office. The door is slightly ajar, so I peek inside.
Enzo is sitting on the couch, staring out the window into the dark. The look on his face speaks of pain, concern and fear. Part of me wants to walk away, to give him his space and pride, but I cannot while he is hurting. Walking into the room, I silently kneel down beside him, and he looks at me with sad eyes. My heart aches for him. Instead of pushing me away, he hugs me.
“Ava, it’s too much… too much.”
“It’s just a silly book, Enzo.”
“Not the book, me. I’m too much – what happened at the wedding and now this.” He stops and buries his face in my bosom. When I lift his face, he looks frightened.
“Oh, Enzo–”
He presses his mouth to mine and I return his kiss, my tongue meeting his.
“Let me make love to you,” he says. “I need you. I need to be inside you.” His voice is frantic.
Feeling the familiar rush of arousal, I know I want him too. I nod my head and try to kiss him again, but he pulls back.
“You’re not doing it just for me?” he asks.
“I want you to make love to me,” I assure him.
Enzo opens my robe and moves his hands over my body. We roll onto the floor in a heap of passion, his hands making quick work of his boxer shorts. There are no words, only two people trying to connect and erase the hurt between them. I open my legs to him and it feels symbolic of our love. As much as part of me wants to shut him out to protect my heart, it’s impossible. I am his. He must know it.
“I’m yours, Enzo, forever.”
He gently pushes into me, breathing heavily in my ear, “Say it again, Ava, please.”
“I’m yours, Enzo.” My voice cracks. “I’m just for you.”
He pumps against me. “Forever?”
“Yes, forever.”
We move together on the floor, and I wrap my legs around his waist to pull him closer, his face buried in my hair. This isn’t about physical pleasure, but about connection. This is about reassurance. This is about love.
Feeling Enzo’s body begin to tighten, I move against him and whisper into his ear, “Ti amo, tesoro, tanto… tanto.”
Looking up, he locks his eyes on mine and his pained expression softens. “You do love me, don’t you?” he whispers.
Nodding, I dig my nails into Enzo’s back as the sharp release of orgasm washes over me. He stiffens and releases, before slowing and finally slumping on top of me. I hold him tightly.
“I would die if I lost you, Ava.”
“You’re not going to lose me,” I assure him. “I’m here with you.”
“Thank you.”
“Let’s go to bed now.”
“Yes.”
We get up and walk back to the bedroom. I feel terrible that all of this has hurt Enzo so much. I think it would kill him if he knew I read that damn book, but I can’t unread it now. It hurts that he be
lieves he’s too much for me. It just isn’t true. Even with all this drama, he is still the most amazing man I’ve ever known. He just doesn’t believe it now.
As we climb into bed, he wraps me in his arms, saying, “Buona notte, amore.”
“Buona notte,” I reply.
****
I wake before dawn. Enzo is sleeping beside me, looking calm and peaceful. I lie there wishing I could go back to sleep, but there is too much on my mind; too much that I still need to resolve. Quietly, I slide out of bed and walk into the living room. I just want to sit in the dark and think about my life. Outside, the full moon is shining brightly in the sky; the only light filling the room.
I release a deep breath. Here, I feel like I can collect my thoughts. My emotions have bounced all over the spectrum since we found out about this book, and now at least I feel like I have a moment to put it all into perspective.
Here’s what I know – a woman wrote a book and spilled some secrets about Enzo, and he is very upset to the point of secrecy over it. He told me a little, but held back a lot. I know she loved him, and I hope it’s not in a ‘murderous Anna’ sort of way.
What I don’t know – Emma’s motive for writing the book and Enzo’s reason for being so secretive about it. Why does he think I’ll leave him? Deep down, does he still want that kind of lifestyle and will I be enough for him? Right now maybe, but forever? Forever is a long time.
I still feel like I want to talk to Emma directly, but Enzo would flip out; besides, I have no way of finding her.
“Are you okay?” Enzo’s voice comes from behind me, causing me to jump in surprise.
“Yeah, just sitting here thinking. I couldn’t sleep.”
He sighs. “I couldn’t sleep without you there.”
“I’m sorry, baby. You need to rest.”
“So do you. How is your stomach?” he asks.
“Fine now.”
“I’ll go make us some coffee.”
“Okay.”
Enzo disappears into the kitchen and I gaze out into the early morning. He returns moments later with a steaming cup of coffee and hands it to me. Standing behind me, he wraps his arms around my waist and buries his face in my hair.
“I know you’re full of doubt and questions,” he says. “You’re trying not to close off to me, but it’s hard. I know you’re worried, and I know I’m making it difficult for you to trust me.”
Okay, Mr. Mind Reader. I nod my head.
“This is killing me, Ava. I don’t want us to have secrets and I want you to trust me. I never expected to be in a situation like this. The book has some really ugly details. I’d like to say that she exaggerated or lied, but she didn’t. What I did and how I treated her, it’s all true. But it was a long time ago, and I just wanted to put it behind me. I think I was still acting out after Lucia.”
Listening to him opening up, I know I should be honest and tell him I read the book, but I don’t know if I can handle how angry he will be. But if I don’t tell him now, when will I? There is no way that I will be able to keep it a secret forever.
“When I told you that sometimes I still have an urge to act out in that way, I feel like I should explain that better. I really, honestly, don’t desire the things I did with Emma. I treated her very poorly. She was open to that type of relationship and at the time so was I. But I woke up one day, and I just felt dirty and mean. I couldn’t even look at her anymore. It disgusted me what I had become, and she disgusted me that she let me do it to her. So, I was cruel and I left her. I never did anything like that again. I still don’t want to.”
I notice how he is still keeping the specifics to himself, but realize this must be very difficult for him to share with me. Feeling nauseous again, I’m sure it’s guilt coursing through my veins.
“Are you going to tell me what she said, Enzo, specifically? I’ll find out eventually.”
I already know, dammit.
He takes a deep breath. “Why is that important to you, Ava? I’ve told you the part that matters.”
“It’s important to me because it’s the truth. It shows you trust me with whatever it is. It has upset you like nothing I’ve ever seen before. It matters, Enzo.”
“It doesn’t matter,” he argues.
“It sounds like it was a major part of who you were and who you are now. How can it not matter? I don’t know how you could want it and then suddenly not.” I run my hands through my hair. How can I get him to understand?
He looks up with a surprised look on his face. “I am being honest about this part. I don’t want to act in that way again. But, would I like to be a little rough with my wife sometimes? Yes, I would, but only in ways that feel good to both of us.”
“That is what’s great about being married, babe. We can do a lot of things with each other. Anything we want.”
“I know,” he says with a sigh. “I just need you to understand that I’m not suppressing some urge from the past. I didn’t even know what I was doing. Emma, well, she researched it, and told me what to do next. That’s how she kept it going so long. I needed to have a lot of control in my life at that time, and it was just the right time, right partner. It was truly a phase and that part of me is over.”
“How do you know for sure?”
Enzo sighs again. “I met a woman while I was seeing Emma who was familiar with the submissive lifestyle. Even with a woman who knew what she was doing, I couldn’t bring myself to get into it again. It lost its appeal. I wasn’t aroused by it anymore. That’s how I knew it was over with Emma, and how I knew I didn’t want it anymore. Do you understand?”
“Yes.”
Wrapping his arms around me, he asks, “Can we try to put this behind us now? I just want to go back to the happy life we had before this book interrupted everything. I want to go back to worshiping the ground that my amazing wife walks on. I don’t want to fight anymore.”
I cuddle in his arms. “I don’t want to fight with you either.”
All I want is to put this behind us, but there is still the problem of the little secret I now have; that I read the stupid book. I don’t know if I can get rid of my sense of guilt, but I can’t bear to be the one to break this hard-earned peace between us.
“Bella, why don’t we take a shower and you can come to Girasole with me today. Francesca will be there.” He flashes his gorgeous smile.
“Yes, I would like that.”
Getting up, we head towards the shower, but another wave of nausea hits me. The coffee I drank rises and sits at the back of my throat as I try to swallow. I stop walking and lean against the hallway column.
“Amore, are you feeling sick again?”
I nod, unable to find my words.
“Maybe you should stay in bed today,” Enzo suggests, trying to lead me to the bedroom.
“No. I’m fine. I want to go out with you.” I head into the bathroom to brush my teeth, but I can’t shake the feeling of nausea.
We shower quickly, with Enzo watching me the entire time.
“Maybe some food, amore?” he asks as we dress.
I shake my head. The very thought of it turns my stomach.
When we are ready we head out to the garage and get into Enzo’s sports car. Opening the garage door, he waits a moment, scanning for waiting photographers. Once he’s sure the area is clear, we drive off.
Taking my hand, he asks, “Are you sure you’re okay?”
“Yeah, maybe it’s a little bug from traveling. I don’t feel like I need to stay in bed though. I’ll tell you what though, food does not sound appealing.”
He frowns. “Stress?”
I rub his hand. “Possibly, but I’m okay.”
We drive in silence to Girasole, Enzo glancing at me frequently. I’m having a hard time making eye contact with him, knowing I’m keeping secrets.
Once we arrive, we head into the office area. I walk in, Enzo behind me, and hope I can get my mind back on my work.
Enzo pulls me into his arms. “Are
you sure you’re okay, amore?”
“Yes, I think so,” I say, keeping my eyes lowered.
Francesca opens the door, but pauses when she sees us. “Posso?”
“Certo,” Enzo replies, without releasing me. “Look at me, Ava.”
I glance up at him. “Are we okay?”
I nod. “I appreciate that you opened up to me, babe. It means a lot. I just have a lot on my mind still.” My stomach churns again. Gee, enough already.
“Where’s the bathroom,” I ask. “I don’t feel good.”
Francesca approaches us. “Yes, Ava, you are pale. Are you okay?”
“She’s been sick since last night,” Enzo explains.
I double over. “Enzo,” I cry, “bathroom.”
He rushes me around the corner to his private bathroom where I begin to dry heave all over again. Francesca and Enzo stand helplessly in the doorway, speaking in rapid Italian. I sit on the floor, wishing that this would pass.
Who is keeping secrets now? Is this guilt? Enzo opened up to me, as best he could, and I’ve betrayed him. He doesn’t even know what a sneaky bitch I’ve been. This is eating me up and it’s time to come clean.
“I read it,” I blurt out from my position in front of the toilet. Definitely not the most eloquent delivery.
Enzo and Francesca look at me. Instead of anger in my husband’s eyes, I see pain.
I’ve hurt him. Good job, Ava.
“You read it?” His voice is soft, so soft that it actually scares me a little.
Francesca discreetly leaves the bathroom and Enzo closes the door behind her.
“I’m sorry, but I felt like I didn’t have a choice.”
“You read it?” His jaw tightens and he paces the area, running his hands through his hair. “You read that fucking trash?” he demands again, staring down at me. “Why didn’t you tell me?”
“I wanted to.”
“How could you let me suffer when you knew all along?”
“That wasn’t my intention,” I say.
“What was your intention?”
“I just needed to know and you wouldn’t tell me,” I reply.
His expression softens suddenly. “It’s my fault, Ava. I didn’t give you a choice. I shut you out. I wish you could have waited for me, but how could you know if I would ever tell you?” Sadness tinges his voice.
Turn Towards the Sun Book Two: After the Rain Page 11