Devil May Care

by Patricia Eimer

  “What?” Matt bolted upright and gaped first at his father and then at Brenda. “What does he mean, you’ve been talking to Mom?”

  “Honey.” I tugged on the back of his shirt, trying to get him to sit down. “You’re going to make a scene for the mortals. You don’t want that, do you? You know how difficult it is to keep them calm when people’s wings come out.”

  He took a deep breath and sank back into his seat. He grimaced at Brenda, and I could smell furious waves of burnt vanilla and gym socks rolling off of him. “How could you?”

  “I didn’t know what else to do.” Brenda leaned over the table, clutching at his hand and kissing the back of it like he was some long lost prince returned home from the wars. He jerked back and I couldn’t help smiling at his revulsion. She might have a thing for my boyfriend, but after this there was no way he was going to want anything to do with her. “I saw the path that you were going down and I just became so frightened. What was I supposed to do? Especially when the demon decided to exert her influence and force me out of your life? I knew she meant to do you harm. I called your mother to protect you.”

  “Delusional,” Bassano sang, his voice cracking on the last syllable.

  “Dad. That isn’t helping right now.” Matt turned back to Brenda. “What we need to do is figure out how you’re going to persuade Mother not to come here. Or, if that doesn’t work, how long I have until she shows up to ruin my life.”

  “Good luck,” Bassano scoffed. “She knew I was coming today and I hear she bullied my secretary Hester into telling her where we were meeting for lunch. I’m actually surprised that she hasn’t arrived yet.”

  “What?” Matt looked between Brenda and his father before he dropped his head against the seat and banged it lightly against the carving on the chair’s high back. “Oh God.”

  “Was totally out of the loop on this one.” Bassano shrugged. “Besides, you think your mother’s going to listen to him? They haven’t had a civil conversation in years.”

  The front door to the restaurant flew open and crashed as it slammed against the side of the building. Everyone in the place looked up at the sound and a woman, engulfed in a brilliant golden light, stalked toward our table, her fists clenched. One look at the set of her shoulders and I could tell she was Matt’s mom. He definitely hadn’t learned his pissed off look from Bassano.

  “And speaking of the bane of my existence…” Bassano gave his son an apologetic grimace. “She’s right on time.”

  CHAPTER TEN

  “Oh God damn it.” Matt slammed his fist against the table hard enough that it shook, then turned to glare at the woman barreling toward us like a freight train. “Fuck. My. Life.”

  That made two of us.

  Apparently I was going to meet both of his parents today. And this, this right here, was why I’d given up the whole marriage concept. There was no way that making my friends and coworkers suffer through the funky chicken dance while I pranced around in a fluffy dress was worth how awkward this meeting was going to be. Not even videotaping the whole thing for prosperity was worth this.

  Bassano turned to face the woman and stood, opening his arms toward her. “Valerie, how are you? Still ruling everyone else with an iron fist and making other people long for death rather than being forced to spend more time in your presence?”

  Wow, I thought my parents had been vicious during their various separations. Apparently the Devil hadn’t cornered the market on bitter and antagonistic divorces.

  “I would be better if your son hadn’t inherited your love of cheap floozies.” The woman put one of her hands on the table so she had her back to us, and was staring down the angel at the end of our table before her gaze flicked over to Mal. “Something I see has obviously not changed. At least he never picked up your love of leather pants. I guess I have that to be grateful for.”

  “Trust me.” Mal sniffed at Valerie in dismissal before she held her right hand out like she was inspecting her manicure. “The last thing I am is cheap. You wouldn’t believe how much of your money Bassano has already spent in just the past hour alone to keep me happy.”

  “I wasn’t talking about you,” Valerie snapped. “I was talking the devil’s youngest brat sucking my son’s bank account dry. I couldn’t care less about what you decide to do to the fool sitting beside you.”

  “Hey! Did you just call my daughter a gold digger?” My mother shot out of her seat and lunged across the table. Thinking quick, Dad rose and grabbed her around the waist, lifting her into the air, even though her arms kept swinging in an attempt to get at Valerie.

  Valerie turned to look at my mother and crossed her arms. “If the wings fit…” She gave Mom the once over and lifted her upper lip in a sneer. “Obviously it’s an inherited trait.”

  Bassano stood and wrapped his arm around Valerie’s shoulder, then clamped his hand over her mouth. “I apologize. I’ve tried to teach her manners, but what can you do? A child raised by wolves only has so much of a chance at refinement.”

  Valerie growled, her eyes flashing fire, and Matt dropped his head into his hands, shaking it back and forth. Waves of anger, remorse, and—strangely enough—shame, rolled off of him.

  “What was that, dear?” Bassano sat in his chair and pulled her roughly into the free one next to him. “Remember, we’re in public. No more craziness or the normal people might start to think it’s more than a weird weather phenomenon that blew the door open. As it is we’re going to have to think they’re stupid enough to believe your Heavenly glow was just a trick of the light.”

  Her shoulders tensed and I watched as he tightened his grip on her mouth, making her eyes bug slightly.

  “Besides,” he continued. “You know what happens when you cause problems where the mortals can see it. I have to banish you to the Grey Lands and take another wife to fill your space while you’re gone.”

  Malachi giggled and leaned over to kiss the cherub on the cheek before winking at Valerie. “Oh, Bass, surely that’s not necessary. You can always give her to me for a few decades. I can teach her how to behave. Or beat her into submission. Repeatedly.”

  Valerie’s eyes bulged even farther and she struggle slightly against Bassano’s hand like she wanted to say something and couldn’t.

  “What do you say, Val?” Malachi smirked at her. “We could be roomies. Think about all the time the two of us can spend together. Gossiping, painting each other’s nails, having pillow fights.”

  Val’s eyes widened even further; she started to really struggle against Bassano’s hands, trying anything to get away. Bassano clamped his hand down tighter over her mouth. She let out an undignified yelp.

  “We could even, you know…” Mal’s voice was flat. “Reminisce. Chat about the good old days.”

  “You two know each other?” I turned to my dread demon and raised my eyebrows.

  “We’ve met in passing.” Malachi narrowed his eyes at Valerie. “Nothing more. Right, Val?”

  Matt’s mom gulped and I knew there was more to the story than what Malachi was telling me. Immediately I started thinking about the best way to bribe the dread demon into spilling the imps and telling me what had happened.

  “Mom?” Matt looked at Valerie, her mouth still covered by Bassano’s hand. “How do you know Faith’s bodyguard?”

  Bassano took his hand off Valerie’s mouth and gave her a pointed look. “That is a good question. How do you know the former head of Louis’s Legions?”

  “Passing acquaintance,” Dad cut in. His poker face was in place and I knew there was no way anyone was going to get the gossip from him. I looked over at Hope and she raised her eyebrows before glancing at Malachi. Which was pretty much her way of letting me know that she agreed with my earlier assessment—we were going to have to bribe the dread demon with something good to find out what sort of dirt he had on Matt’s mom. Unless… I glanced over at Brenda and saw that she looked as mystified as the rest of us. Damn, so much for torturing it out of her.
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  “Whatever.” Bassano sniffed and turned back to Valerie. “Now you, why are you here?”

  “I am trying to fix a problem you refuse to acknowledge. A serious problem. Our son is—”

  “Valerie, our son is old enough to live his life and date whomever he sees fit. Or marry whom he sees fit. He doesn’t like the girl you’ve chosen. Give it up and let him marry whoever he wants.”

  “Yeah, Val.” Malachi leaned in close to Bassano so that she was almost nose to nose with his wife as well. “Let him marry Faith.”

  “We’re not getting married.” My heart pounded erratically at the mere mention of the “m” word. “We aren’t even living together. I mean he’s asked but I didn’t think we were ready to take that step yet.”

  “Matt asked you to move in with him?” Mom asked, her eyes glittering, an excited smile blooming across her face.

  The waiter returned with our beers and looked at Valerie, annoyed to be short one beer, but not sure whether he’d miscounted or someone had shown up at our table after he’d already taken our drink order. I, meanwhile, ignored my mother’s question, and gave the waiter my order. Once he’d left the table again, I took a sip of my beer and hoped she’d let the conversation drop.

  “You asked a demon to move in with you?” Valerie asked, her eyes wide. “What were you thinking?”

  “She’s a better cook than he is?” Mom shrugged. “I mean I almost starved when she went to college. If it wouldn’t have been for TV dinners I’d have been a goner.”

  “That sex on tap is always better than having to put your pants on and walk across the hall for it?” Mal suggested.

  “Matt asked you to move in?” Lisa stopped in front of the table, holding Tolliver’s hand, and completely ignoring everyone else. She pushed him into the seat between Valerie and Brenda and then plopped down in his lap.

  “Let’s get back to the real issue.” My stepbrother pushed a lock of long black hair back behind his ear and focused his dark gaze on mine. “Why did you say no? You move in and we could take over the bigger apartment. As it is we’re living in a shoebox and you’ve both got half a floor to yourselves.”

  “Hey,” Hope snapped. “If anyone gets Faith’s apartment when she decides to shack up with Angel Boy, it’s me. I’m the one who’s stuck living in an attic.”

  “I am not moving in with a guy just so you two can fight over my apartment,” I said. “Besides, Matt and I are trying to take this slow.”

  “Yeah.” Mal cut in. “Besides, I’ve got dibs on Faith’s place. I’m not sharing with the lovebirds after all. It’s bad enough I phased in on their last game of naked Marco Polo. I’m not going to be there 24-7 during the honeymoon stage.”

  Dad slammed his hand on the table and we all turned to look at him, our mouths hanging open. “Enough with the apartment swapping or I’m going to ground all six of you to Purgatory. Including you, Mal.”

  “Sorry,” Hope grumbled.

  “Yeah, sorry our sister’s so stingy she can’t let me have the better apartment,” Tolliver added under his breath. Valerie glanced at him, giving him a quick once over and sneering.

  At least Matt’s mom and I had one thing in common. Apparently we both thought my brother was in need of a good smiting.

  “Good. Now, can we please get back to the situation at hand?” Dad asked.

  Mom patted his hand, her touch somehow managing to soothe him. My heart warmed a little to see them back in their “good” place and couldn’t help the tiny feeling of hope that was building in my stomach. Who knows? Maybe they’d make it work for longer than six months this time?

  “Yes.” Bassano focused his attention on Lisa and I saw Valerie narrow her eyes viciously at Mal as Bassano forgot about them both and started to make doe eyes at my future sister-in-law. “Like who is this enchanting creature?”

  “Lisa.” She held out her left hand to shake his, flashing her engagement ring.

  “My fiancée.” Tolliver grabbed Lisa’s hand, bringing it to his lips before Bassano could touch her.

  “Ah, well aren’t you a lucky demon?” Bassano smiled at Lisa and ignored my brother.

  “Exceptionally.” Tolliver’s voice was so dry that you could’ve struck a match against it, and we could all feel the black power he was barely holding in check.

  “Personally…” Valerie leaned forward and rested her chin on her upturned hand. “I’m more curious about why Faith didn’t want to move in with Matt. Are you having second thoughts, Faith? I know demons have a problem with, oh, what is that word?” She glanced over at my father and then back at me. “Fidelity?”

  My mother sucked in a breath and I watched my father grab her arm, trying his best to keep her in her seat.

  “I don’t know.” Mal cut in, leaning closer to Valerie and mimicking her pose. “I’d say that’s more common in Matt’s family than Faith’s. Or don’t you remember—”

  Val’s hand shot out and connected to Malachi’s cheek with a sickening crack as everyone stared at the two of them in horror. Oh sweet Alpha protect us, Mal was going to lose his shit and annihilate Matt’s mom right here in the restaurant. This was definitely not going to get me on the Angale’s Christmas card list.

  “Thank you, darling,” Mal purred, and Valerie’s face went deathly pale. “Perhaps later you can give me another. Just like…” There was a rattle of glasses and Malachi fell silent, smirking at Valerie again before he sat back in his chair.

  The waiter came back with a beer and a glass of water and froze when he saw Lisa and Tolliver sitting at the table. He closed his eyes and took a deep breath, probably trying not to lose it. Not that I blamed him. With as dysfunctional as this group of immortals was, they’d test the patience of a saint. Hell, most the time J skipped our family dinners so he could enjoy his peace and quiet. What’s that tell you?

  “Valerie.” Bassano smiled at Malachi and then ran his finger carefully across the red mark marring her pale cheek. “Shut up. Our son is happy. Quit trying to ruin it for him and by the by—if you ever so much as think about marring Mal’s face again I’ll personally pluck your wings bald, feather by feather.”

  “But—”

  “Leave your son alone. That’s an order.” He snapped his fingers underneath her nose and her mouth clamped shut while her eyes bugged.

  I looked over at Mom and raised my eyebrows. As someone who’d been bound into silence during a family dinner you’d think she’d be against the practice, but it looked like some things beat out female solidarity. She laced her fingers through my father’s and kissed him on the cheek before smiling at Valerie in a brief show of spite.

  “So, what did you boys have planned for today?” Mom glanced first at Dad and then at Bassano, her eyes twinkling. “I’m sure you weren’t getting together for some little meeting without planning to do something together. Besides, Valerie and Brenda will want to catch up and the girls and I have some wedding arrangements to work out. How about you guys go out for a game of golf?”

  “Can’t.” Tolliver shrugged. “I have a thing.”

  “A thing?” Lisa turned to look at her fiancé. “You have a thing that’s keeping you from playing golf? Really? What?”

  “Nothing important.” Tolliver swallowed. “Just a thing.”

  “Something he’s helping me with,” Matt added quickly. Why in the name of Evil and Chaos would Matt ask Tolliver for help? “For work.”

  Matt squeezed my hand and widened his eyes, a bolt of calm reassurance shooting from his hand to mine. I felt a solid jolt of don’t ask running through the link between us.

  “Right,” I agreed. “That thing you were telling me about with work.”

  “Well whatever this mystery thing is, if Tolliver doesn’t join us we’re short a fourth player,” Bassano said. “But I could be up for a stroll around the golf course.”

  “I bet Harold would love to go,” Mal said. “You could make him corporeal, Your Majesty, so no one would question his presence.”

/>   “Harold?” Bassano asked.

  “My ghost.” I grinned at Malachi for thinking of a way to cheer up my currently depressed poltergeist. “He’s having a rough time of it right now. A game of golf might do him some good.”

  “Wait, you have a ghost to do your bidding?” Bassano asked.

  Dad ignored Bassano’s question and focused on me. “What’s wrong with Harold?”

  “They found his body,” I said.

  “Ouch.” Dad winced and then nodded. “I think a round of golf might be the answer. What do you two white wingers say?”

  “The Devil and a depressed ghost?” Bassano looked over at Matt. “Shouldn’t be too much effort on our part. How do you feel about a little wager?”

  “I live for them.” My father rubbed his hands together.

  “You,” Bassano turned to stare at Matt’s mom, “will find a way to bond with your son’s new girlfriend. You will be nice. You will be polite. And at the end of the day the girl will be ecstatic at the idea of becoming a member of this family. Or I will hand you over to Mal and make you do the demon’s bidding for the next century.”

  “You wouldn’t dare.” Valerie hissed.

  “Dad, I don’t think that’s a very good—” Matt was cut off when Bassano waved his hand at him.

  “We made a deal,” Bassano said. “You kept quiet about my courting my last two wives and didn’t tell your mother until I decided to announce my engagement. In return I promised you a life free of the Angale and your mother’s interfering. I couldn’t keep her away but I can make sure she doesn’t complicate your life now that she’s here.”

  “I have duties to attend to in managing your flock,” Valerie said. “I don’t have time to bond with a demoness. No matter how much my son is infatuated with her.”

  “Are you sure about that?” Bassano asked. You could have heard a feather drop at our table.

  “Positive.”

  “Fine, I Bassano, Cherub of the Celestial Order, repudiate you, Valerie Andrews. You are no longer my wife. You no longer have a place in my heart or my home. Your presence is no longer welcome amongst my tribe—”