Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  His hand stilled for a minute but then continued caressing my back before he answered. “Honestly Button, I don’t know. I thought I had my whole life planned out. I knew I wanted to be a cop the minute my dad made detective, and it was only affirmed after he died. But this, you and me…. this is what I have wanted since the first day you slapped me.” A small laugh vibrated through his chest and bounced me head. “I feel like I can’t have both.” He let out a loud sigh.

  Inside, my heart was breaking. I have always known that there was something between Gray and me; I could just never admit it to myself. When he finally told me how he felt I pushed it away, thinking it was absurd. Now, he was all I wanted but the thought of possibly losing him killed me.

  “We can try.” My voice came out smaller than I intended and lacked the conviction I wanted him to hear.

  He was immediately pushing himself up into a sitting position, bringing me along with him. He grabbed both of my hands in his and looked me right in the eye. “Really? You would do that for me?” I could see the excitement pulsing through him. This is what he was hoping for, and who was I to take it away?

  “Of course. I’m not promising it will work, but I am at least willing to try. I meant it when I said I love you Gray. I want this just as much as you do.” I pulled one of my hands from his and brushed my thumb across his bottom lip. “Just promise me that I am enough.” I pushed my lips against his and quickly pulled back waiting for his answer.

  “You will always be enough for me. You’re more than enough Bennett.” His lips found mine and I could feel him putting all of his emotion behind this kiss. He meant it. I could feel it in my bones.

  We both lay back down on the bed to settle in for sleep. “I love you Bennett.” He whispered as he kissed the top of my head.

  “I love you too Gray.”

  Nine

  The next few weeks flew by. Gray and I spent every waking minute together. We would wake up and make breakfast together, watch movies, go out to dinner, anything we could think of. We never talked about his having to leave and I never brought it up. I had a million questions that I needed answers to, but I would keep them at bay. There was no need to let my own insecurities become his.

  We never went to another party and Hannah never invited us. I had called to tell her about Gray and I the day after the party. Gray had run home to get some clothes and I took that opportunity to fill her in, on all the details. She seemed happy for me, but I almost felt like she was a little bit jealous.

  Today was the day before Gray had to leave and my emotions were running at an all time high. I was trying my best to play happy everyday, but today it was eating away at me. Gray was in the middle of making us breakfast while I was showering. I climbed out of the shower and wrapped my towel tightly around my body. I woke up feeling a little bit queasy but hoped it would go away after a hot shower. I wasn’t that lucky. I slid my hand across the mirror removing the fog and noticed how pale I looked.

  Maybe I was getting the flu or something. Gray’s mom had said that there was something going around. I quickly dressed and did my hair and makeup. We had decided that we would go to the cemetery today with Gray’s mother. I hadn’t been there since my parent’s funeral, and Gray had only made it back to his dad’s once since his funeral. It seemed fitting that on his last day here, he would say good-bye.

  I ran the straightener through my hair, just enough to flatten out the fly a ways and then brushed some waterproof mascara through my lashes. I slipped my black sleeveless Chanel dress on that Grays’ mother had bought me for my eighteenth birthday this past summer. With one final look in the mirror, I headed out towards the delicious smell coming from the kitchen.

  “What are you making? It smells delicious.” I ran my hand down Gray’s back before giving a small pinch to his backside.

  “Hey now, don’t be sexually harassing the cook.” He smirked.

  I put both hands in the air. “Never.” I winked.

  I sat down at the kitchen table and watched Gray move gracefully around my kitchen. He was an amazing cook, thanks in large part to his mother. He had spent the last week teaching me to make my favorite recipes, so I could stop eating frozen meals. I knew that once he left, I would never be able to make them as well as he could but I would appease him by letting him think I would at least try.

  “Here you go my Dear, Eggs Benedict just the way you like it.” He kissed my forehead before retreating into the kitchen to retrieve his breakfast.

  I cut right into mine not realizing how famished I was. A few bites later my stomach gurgled in a way I had never felt it before. I pushed back from the table and ran straight to the bathroom, releasing the contents of my stomach into the toilet. After everything and nothing came out, I flushed the toilet and stood to brush my teeth. I hadn’t noticed Gray come in until I was wiping the remaining water from my mouth.

  “Hey Baby, you feeling okay?” He pushed his hand against my forehead, knowing I didn’t have a fever.

  “Your mom said that she has had quite a few kids out of class lately due to some bug that’s going around. I wouldn’t worry about it.” I kissed him swiftly on the lips, and made my way out to find my jacket.

  A few minutes later Mrs. Weston came walking through the door. “Hey kids, you ready to get going?” I hurried around the corner to greet her.

  “Good morning Mom.” Gray greeted his mother with a hug and kiss on the cheek. I was right behind him ready to greet her as well.

  “Oh sweetheart, you’re looking a little pale today. Are you feeling okay Dear?” She continued to feel my forehead, just as Gray had.

  I pulled back ever so slightly, not to offend her. “I feel fine. I think I just have a stomach bug is all. Shall we go?” I waved towards the door for her to head out first.

  “Of course. We need to stop by the flower shop on our way. I forgot to do it on my way home last night.” Her smile could light up any room. It was warm and comforting making my nerves slowly subsided.

  I turned to lock the door behind us as Gray led his mother to her car. It was a crisp September day, with the smallest amount of clouds hovering above us. I took in a deep breath, welcoming the cool air into my saturated lungs. Instantly my chest felt lighter. I slapped a smile on my face when I noticed Gray watching me walk to the back passenger door behind his mother. He was nervous; I could see it in his face. He smiled, but it never reached his eyes.

  We pulled into the cemetery fifteen minutes later. I had bought an assortment of lilies at the flower shop. They were my mother’s favorite flower. Gray and Mrs. Weston picked out a dozen yellow roses. The same roses Gray’s father would bring her every year, on her birthday. It was heart warming knowing the love that they shared all those years.

  My parent’s headstones were quite a bit further away from Gray’s father than I would have liked. I knew this was going to be hard for me, but it was going to be hard for Gray also. He placed his hand on my lower back as he led me over to their headstones. It was a small gesture, but coincidentally it helped tame my nerves. I could feel the tears start to prick the back of my eyelids the closer we got to my parents. I wasn’t one for panic or anxiety attacks, but I was almost certain I was about to have one. I started taking smaller steps and eventually stopped walking all together, about five feet from them.

  I couldn’t bring myself to move any closer. I could hear Gray and his mother a few feet behind me, talking about random nonsense, oblivious to my tiny melt down. My heart rate shot through the roof, and my breathing became rapid. I clutched the flowers to my chest that felt like it was being strangled. I tried to take deep breaths, but nothing was helping. The panic was quickly escalating and I didn’t know what to do.

  I fell to my knees, steadying myself with my hands flat on the ground. Seconds later, Gray and his mother were at my side. Gray wrapped me in his arms tightly. With the slow movement of his hands across my back, I began to catch my breath. I was embarrassed and ashamed of my actions. I needed to be stro
nger than this. I needed Gray to know that I could be strong, for both of us.

  My knuckles were white from clutching his jacket in my hands. My erratic breathing slowed and my hands finally gave a little. Gray pulled my face away from his collar, brushing the hair from my eyes. He lightly pressed his lips to mine. “You’ll be okay. I promise, I will stay by your side until you’re ready to be alone. Okay?” I nodded my head in agreement as he pulled me into a standing position. My knees felt weak under my weight, but I was determined to make it the next few feet.

  Gray gripped my hand tightly in his. He walked the few steps we had left and stopped in front of the conjoined headstone. I curiously glanced up and let out the breath I was holding in.

  Their headstone was absolutely beautiful. I know it sounds a bit demented but it was amazing. The whole thing was a beautifully carved marble slate. Our last name was etched in the middle with lilies along both sides, trailing down around the engraved pictures of my parents. I didn’t have to worry about the details when they had died. My parents had left everything in their will, to their exact specifications. I could only guess that they knew I wouldn’t be able to deal with all of it, if I was the one to have to bury them. I did however; pick the picture of each of them that would be etched into the marble.

  I had chosen my absolute favorite of both of them. The one of my mother was on the last Mother’s Day I had gotten to spend with her. We went to a quaint bistro at a beautiful rose garden. I planned the whole day myself. We ate and spent hours wandering around looking at the expansive roses. When we came across the sterling roses, my favorite, my mom said that they had taken her breath away. She told me that they represented my beauty perfectly, unique and timeless. I snapped a picture a moment later; she was smiling holding the rose in her hand and looking directly at me.

  I smiled at the memory fondly and the heaviness in my chest began to disappear. I looked over at Gray and his mother to let them know I would be okay on my own. Gray wouldn’t budge from his standing position by my side. His mother gave a small tug at his arm and he kissed the top of my head, before turning to walk to where his father lay. I bent down to make sure the grass was dry before I continued to sit on it. I leaned forward and ran my fingers across the picture of my mother, but stopped when I reached my father’s.

  His picture was from Christmas Day, the year before. My mother had bought us all matching sweaters. Not the gaudy sweaters that grandparents buy you, with a ridiculous reindeer or snowman on them. These sweaters were from Express. We had wanted them for family pictures, my father and I but my mother refused. We were beyond excited when we received them for Christmas.

  My Father’s was navy blue and gray pinstripes exactly like my mothers, while mine was a pink, grey and navy blue pin striped V-neck. They were beautiful. That morning my father and I insisted on retaking our family pictures, from the previous month. My mother happily obliged. I tried to take a candid shot of my father putting a fallen ornament back on the tree, but he turned at the last second with an enormous smile on his face. I simply rolled my eyes and kissed my father on the nose before heading into the kitchen to help with the turkey.

  I chuckled to myself at the thought of that very memory. It had been the best Christmas I had or would ever have. I slid my finger across my father’s picture before placing the flowers underneath. I sat back on my feet not knowing what to do or say. I had always seen people talk to their loved ones while visiting, but it felt ridiculous to me. I couldn’t quite grasp, how talking to a piece of marble would make me feel better.

  I glanced beyond the next hill of grass and caught sight of Gray and his mother. Both looked unbelievably happy. There were no tears falling down either of their cheeks. I turned back to my parents, deciding that I needed to at least try to talk to them. Even if they couldn’t hear me, I knew I could and that made me feel better. I sighed before beginning. I glanced in every direction to make sure no one else could hear me.

  “I’m not quite sure what to say. I hope you guys can hear me, but even if you can’t I think you’ll get the message. I miss you guys terribly.” I could feel the tears welling up, but this time I just let them fall. “Not too much has been going on since you left. I graduated from high school. I hope you got to see it. I was the valedictorian. I think I gave a pretty decent speech, but Gray teased me mercilessly afterwards. Something about how it was too cheesy for his taste.” I let out a small laugh.

  “Hannah and I didn’t talk for a while during the summer, but we’re fine now. Gray and I finally decided to give our relationship a chance. Of course, we decided to do this right before he is about to leave for the police academy in Virginia. That should make the two of you happy. I know how much you both loved him. It’s hard though. I’m finding it even harder now than when you guys first left me. I haven’t changed a single thing in the house. I know how mom loved everything just the way it was. Oh, I start classes next week.”

  “I’m going to stay at home while I attend. I’m not sure how I am going to deal with Gray leaving right now. We just started dating, and now he has to leave for twenty-two weeks. I know that if our love is true, we will make it work, but I’m scared. I’m so afraid that he will realize that he deserves someone better than me. Someone who wasn’t completely and emotionally broken. I just want to make him happy, and that’s hard to do when he is that far away.”

  “I miss you guys more each and everyday. All the things that happen, I just want to share with you. I want you to be here to share in all of my joy and sorrow. I love you guys more than ever. Be kind to one another and I promise I will be back to visit. Don’t forget about me.” I wiped the stray tear from my face with the back of my hand. I kissed my fingers and pressed them firmly against the headstone. As I stood to find Gray and his mother, his hand pressed against my lower back.

  He pulled me into a soft embrace, kissing the top of my head. “You are more than I deserve, Bennett. You make me the happiest I have ever been. Don’t ever doubt that, not for one minute. Your parents will never forget you. They are looking down on you at this very moment with nothing but pride and love for you. Can’t you feel it?”

  I nodded and tilted my head back to look into his sparkling blue eyes. “Don’t break my heart Gray, please!”

  He shook his head and whispered “never” as I pressed my lips against his. He stood there and held me for a few more minutes, before we headed back to the car. His mother had already taken her place in the passenger seat. Gray and I smiled at each other before releasing our hands from one another. They weren’t our fake emotionless smiles from earlier. No, these smiles lit up our eyes like the Fourth of July and mine stayed there across my face the whole car ride home.

  Ten

  “Ow Baby! What do you want?” His hands flew up to protect his face from another assault.

  “Turn off the alarm, GRAY! Did you seriously not hear it the seventeen times it went off before?” I was already ornery and I was barely waking up. Gray’s alarm had been going off since 5:30am, and I was at my wit's end with the racket it was making. I rolled over towards my bedroom window, purposely taking the comforter with me. If I had to be awake, so did he.

  Gray tugged on the comforter hard enough to roll me over near him. “Are you seriously pouting already?” He smirked.

  “No! I just don’t like having to hear your alarm a million times when you sleep right through it. Its not fair.” I stuck my tongue out while crawling over him, making my way to the bathroom.

  “Oh no you don’t, little lady.” Both of his arms wrapped around my waist, pulling me onto his chest. “Where do you think you’re going?” He briefly touched his lips to mine.

  I pulled back worried about my morning breath. “I was going to go use the facilities and brush my teeth. Is that okay with you, Dad?” I pushed myself up with my palms flat on his chest.

  He snatched my wrist as I stood. “If I said no, would you stay in bed with me?” His eyes were pleading with me not to leave. I was weak when it
came to those hypnotizing blue eyes, and I caved.

  “I’ll stay for a few more minutes.” I crawled back over the top of him and snuggled my nose into the crook of his neck. He smelled amazing, even first thing in the morning. How did I get so lucky? Gray slowly ran his fingers up and down my spine, while I breathed him in. I didn’t want to forget his smell. It would be too long before I could smell him again.

  We lay unmoving for at least another twenty minutes when my stomach started to growl, loudly. I shrugged it off to not eating a whole lot the day before, but it quickly worked its way up my throat. I clamped my hands over my mouth, bolting for the bathroom. I had barely gotten the toilet seat up before my body started heaving. Gray was instantly at my side, holding back my hair and rubbing my back.

  “Baby are you okay?” He whispered.

  I grabbed some toilet paper and wiped my mouth before answering him. “I’m fine. I didn’t eat very much yesterday. I’m sure my body is just upset with me.” I gave him a halfhearted smile. He swept the stray strands of hair back that started to stick to the sheen of sweat that had built on my forehead. I stood to rinse my mouth with water.