Beautifully Broken

by Amanda Bennett

  “Not a whole lot. You know, school, work, friends.” I smiled wanting to avoid talking about myself, but Gray wouldn’t let that happen.

  “Bennett, it’s been almost four years. I’m sure more has happened than that.” I want to know about all of it, everything I missed.”

  His smile was infectious. I took in a deep breath and started at the beginning. I told him how I ended up needing to stay in the hospital for a few days after Hannah had called the ambulance. I even found myself admitting to him, how I prayed for him to show up at the hospital. He flinched at knowing he should have been there. I skipped over the part about Raylon showing up in his place. I wasn’t ready to go there quite yet. I went into detail about how hard it was for me, to come to the decision to sell my childhood home because of the proximity to him and his mother.

  His eyes glanced over my features, waiting for some sort of reaction but I gave nothing away. I vaguely brushed over my bout with depression, not wanting his pity or apologies. I lead into school and eventually into work. I told him all about Johnny and my fellow co-workers. I told him how much I absolutely loved my job and how I felt at home when I was there. His expression grew lighter and I heard him exhale, what I could only assume was a sigh of relief.

  He asked if I had made any friends at school and I simply nodded while sipping my wine. We ordered our meals and then he continued with the barrage of questions.

  “So, have you dated anyone?” His eyes stayed focused on the napkin in his lap.

  My breath caught in my throat as I prepared my answer. “I did for a little bit, yes.” I inwardly cringed at the thought of having to tell him it was Raylon.

  “Do you not want to tell me?” Disappointment flashed across his softened features.

  “Not really,” I admitted. “But, I will if you really want to know.”

  His hand gripped the tall water glass in front of him. I knew he didn’t really want to hear that I had been with anyone else, but he needed to know.

  “I do.”

  “Well, I actually ran into him when Hannah and I went on vacation. We went to Italy for a month and Greece for a week the summer after...well, you know.” He nodded.

  “So, you finally went on your dream vacation, huh?” I could hear the jealousy dripping from his words. His oppressed look broke my heart. He was wishing he had been with me and not Hannah.

  “Yeah, I did. Needless to say, we had a good time. Greece was a last minute decision towards the end and we only stayed for a week. Our last night there, Hannah ran into Theo. He was actually the paramedic that found me that day.” I glanced up at him, making sure he was okay with me continuing. I could see the pained expression on his face but I pushed through. “Raylon was with him.” I paused as I saw his jaw tightened at the mention of Raylon’s name. “We all flew back together the following day, and then we all started hanging out. We started dating shortly after.” My face fell along with my heart.

  “That’s it?” His voice was deep and gruff in my ear. “Are you two still together?” I could hear the anger in his tone.

  I tucked my hair behind my ear, trying to avoid the question. Honestly, I didn’t know where Raylon and I stood. I hadn’t seen him in weeks and could only assume that we were done.

  “Bennett, answer me,” he growled.

  “No Gray! Raylon and I are not together anymore.” I tried to hide my irritation but it wasn’t that easy. Our food showed up a minute later. I unrolled my silverware and placed the maroon cloth napkin on my lap. “Can we not talk about it anymore, please?” I was praying he would just let it go, before the conversation took a turn for the worse.

  “I guess so.” He mumbled into his forkful of food.

  “How’s your mom doing?” I needed to change the subject fast. I pushed my spaghetti aimlessly around my plate waiting for his answer.

  “She’s doing good. She moved shortly after you did. She said she wasn’t strong enough to stay next to strangers in a house that was too familiar to her.” He let out a sigh. “We don’t talk much.” I could feel the tension rising from the table as he spoke about his mother.

  “Bennett, I know about you and Raylon!”

  My jaw went slack and I choked on a noodle. My fork clattered on the plate and I reached for my glass to clear my throat. His hand caught mine just before I pulled the glass to my lips. His eyes caught mine and pulled them up to his face.

  “I’m sorry. I shouldn’t have said it like that. Were you going to tell me?” There was no trace of pity or disgust in his look, only pain.

  “No,” I stated matter-of-factly. It’s nothing to concern yourself with.”

  “Why wouldn’t you tell me something like that?” I could hear the hurt laced around his words.

  “It’s none of your concern, Gray.”

  “I think it is Bennett. I deserve to know the truth.” His hand instinctively reached for mine but I pulled mine back quickly, bringing it to my lap. “Is this how things are going to be between us?” Sorrow wrapped around me. How had he found out? “I didn’t know you had sold your house until I came home from the academy. My mom never called and told me. I’m thankful for it now, but I was livid when I found out. My mom and I stopped talking shortly after. The reasons aren’t important. She moved to New York to be closer to my aunt and we haven’t seen each other in about two years. After we sold the house, I took the job in Boston. I couldn’t let things go between us. I made sure to keep an eye on you.”

  I forced myself to eat my dinner as I listened to Gray prattle on about meaningless actions that he thought were protecting me. Little did he know, that if he had been keeping a close eye, things wouldn’t have gotten as bad as they had.

  “I couldn’t find much on you the first year I was gone. You laid low and nothing strange popped up. I reached a point where I was borderline obsessing over every little thing I would hear about you. I had to stop myself and try to move on. I’m sorry I ever tried. I found out about the first incident with Raylon shortly after I transferred back here a year ago.” He paused and I looked up at him.

  He ran a finger across my full bottom lip, sending every nerve pulsing. I needed him more than anything in that moment. He knew my darkest secret and wasn’t judging. He didn’t care what both of us had gone through to get to this point and neither did I. All that mattered was that we found our way to each other again.

  Wait! Did he just say he moved back a year ago?

  Twenty-Two

  “I thought you said you just got back a month ago? I’m confused.”

  The look on his face held more meaning than I could have known. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to lie, but I also didn’t want you thinking I was some creepy stalker. Although, now that I think about it, that’s exactly what this looks like.” He loud laugh rumbled through his chest.

  I left dinner feeling lighter. I told Gray about all, okay most of the physical abuse I had endured. At first he blamed himself, but I quickly squashed that. There was no reason that both of us should blame ourselves. I never went too deep into details, knowing that he already knew. There were certain things Gray never brought up and I wondered if it was because he didn’t know. Raylon’s abuse went far beyond just slapping me around, but I couldn’t bring myself to tell Gray. He would never want me again knowing the things Raylon had done to me. I would keep those tiny fragments of information to myself. I knew that they weren’t public record, but Gray wasn’t just part of the general public.

  The snow had begun to fall as we walked out to the car. Gray was helping me down the sidewalk to the passenger door when I stopped mid stride. I stood staring blankly into the dark overgrown trees across the street. He stood there, just staring at me, arms flexed with his hands in his front pockets. Gray caught me just as I was about to slip.

  “Hey, you okay?” He slipped his sturdy arm around my waist, pulling me into him. I dropped my gaze to the street and back up. He was gone. “Bennett? Is everything okay?”

  I swallowed past the fear that wa
s inching its way up my throat. “Yeah, I’m fine just lost my footing. Let’s go, I’m freezing.” I slid into the car holding my breath. I watched Gray round the front of the car and I sank deeper into my seat with regret. I knew what I was going to have to do.

  Minutes later, we were headed back to the house. I held Gray’s hand in my lap the whole way back, not wanting to let go of him. When we pulled into my driveway I feigned being sick. I promised Gray I would call him in the morning. I thanked him for one of the most amazing nights of my life and pulled myself to the front door. I turned with a slight wave and pushed open the thick piece of oak. I quietly shut the door behind me, pressing my body against the solid comfort.

  My eyes fluttered open just as Hannah was passing through the kitchen. “Hey, how did it go? You’re home early, so I’m going to assume, bad?” Her questioning gaze made the dam break. Big fat tears rolled endlessly down my cheeks. Hannah ran to my side and led me over to the couch. All I could do was shake my head back and forth. No words left my mouth and Hannah never pushed for any.

  Theo came into the living room awhile later, Hannah just waved him off and we were once again alone. “Do you want to talk about it?”

  “He knows about Raylon.” My tears had since dried and I was in full on preservation mode.

  “Everything?” she whispered.

  I shook my head, “just the hitting.” I swallowed hard.

  “Are you going to tell him?”

  “I don’t want to, but being without him has been excruciating. What am I supposed to do Hannah? He’ll never look at me the same.” Tears began pooling in my eyes again.

  “Oh Hon, you know Gray would never do that. It’s not in his character to judge you. After all this time and everything you two have been through, I think he deserves all of the truth.” Her arm that was draped around my shoulders pulled me in close to her side. “He will love you, regardless.”

  “How can you love someone knowing they stayed with someone who repeatedly raped and abused them?” I whispered.

  I heard the gasp before I lifted my face to see him standing in the doorway. I was thrown into a fit of hysterics as he ran to my side. I buried my face into the crook of his neck as I felt Hannah’s weight lift from the couch. He never asked any questions. He just sat holding me as tight as humanly possible. I let the tears pour out of my face, as he rubbed small comforting circles across my back.

  I didn’t know what time it was when he carried me into my room, and I didn’t care. He laid me on the bed and tried to back away, but my grip was unrelenting. “Please don’t leave me.” I silently begged.

  “Oh Bennett, I will never leave you. I promise.”

  “You say that now, but you don’t know what he is capable of.”

  “I know what I am capable of, that’s all that matters. I’m never going to let him hurt you again,” he whispered into my hair before planting a chaste kiss against my forehead.

  “You don’t understand Gray, there have been times when even Theo couldn’t stop him. He will stop at nothing to keep you away from me.” I pulled him into me on the bed, “I saw him tonight.”

  Gray sat up straight, pulling me with him, “What? When? Why didn’t you tell me?”

  “When I stopped on the sidewalk outside of the restaurant, he was standing across the street.”

  “Damn it Bennett, why the fuck didn’t you say something?”

  He began pacing back and forth in front of my bed. What was with everyone and their damn pacing? I had wanted to tell him, but Raylon was relentless. He wouldn’t care that Gray was a cop now. There was a small knock on my door a few minutes into Gray’s dizzying pacing. Hannah’s face appeared between the open slats asking for permission to enter. I nodded my head and reached for her hand.

  “Hannah, why didn’t you tell me?” He spat.

  “GRAY!” I shouted.

  “It’s okay Bennett. Honestly Gray, it was none of your business at the time. You had made it perfectly clear that you wanted nothing to do with Bennett for so long. You gave up the right to know anything, when you never came home to her.” I knew Hannah had been holding this inside for far too long, so I let her continue. “You pushed her as far away as possible. I kept you in the loop for her benefit, not yours. Let’s just get that straight right now. Trust me, I wanted to tell someone, anyone but I promised her on our friendship, that I would never betray her like that again. I didn’t know about the rape, until he was gone.” Hannah hung her head in shame. I rubbed her back comforting my best friend who had kept secrets that no friend should ever have to keep.

  “It’s not her fault Gray, its mine. I didn’t tell anyone. How could I? I knew that anyone who knew would look at me the way you’re looking at me now. I was ashamed, I still am.” Hannah sat rubbing my back before I stood up and walked towards the bathroom.

  His hand wrapped gently around my wrist pulling me to his chest. “Please tell me what happened?”

  “I can’t!” I slipped through the door and pressed it closed behind me. I heard Hannah and Gray exchange whispers and I didn’t emerge until I heard my bedroom door snap closed. He stood shirtless, looking into my wet gray eyes. I raked my eyes down his torso and back up to his face. Every muscle on his body was clenched and stretched. His bicep flexed as he reached for the hem of my sweater. I tried to pull myself away from his grasp, but he wasn’t having it.

  “Let me love you.” He whispered right below my ear before planting a kiss, right where his breath had touched.

  “I can’t,” I repeated. I hadn’t been touched in a loving manner since the last time him and I were together.

  “I won’t hurt you, I promise.” His voice was pained. He slowly pulled the sweater over my head and discarded it onto the floor, on top of his own. His hands glided around my back to unlatch my bra. As he pulled it away from my skin, I shuttered at how exposed I was. I instantly covered myself with my hands not wanting him to see my imperfections that I had been hiding. “Don’t hide yourself from me Button, let me see you.” I clung onto my skin for dear life.

  I heard the intake of his breath through his teeth as he eyed the scars. There were three of them that covered my left breast. They were about three inches long and one inch wide. I pulled my hand from his grasp covering them up before he could reject me.

  “Don’t.” He lowered himself onto his knees and pulled my hand away from my chest. His fingers traced the thick memories. A stray tear fell onto his hand before I could catch it. Flashes of that night struck me like lightening. “Tell me how it happened.” His voice was soft and etched with concern.

  “It was the first time he ever raped me.” My voice was barely a whisper. “Hannah and I had just gotten back from a long shopping trip. I knew he was mad when we came in but I didn’t know, how mad. We had said we would only be gone for a couple of hours. When we came in the door he wrapped my hair in his fist and drug me back into my room.” I stopped to catch my breath. I didn’t know if I could go on, but with an understanding touch from Gray to my face, I continued.

  “There were scissors on my desk. He...um...he pinned me down on the bed with his legs. I just remember thrashing my body around trying to buck him off of me. Unfortunately, It only made things worse. Afterwards, he grabbed the scissors and pulled them across my skin, more than once.” I turned my face into my shoulder and winced at the mutilating memory, not wanting him to see me. It was all too much.

  I felt his fingers glide across the scars one last time before bringing his face up to mine. “Never again, I promise you, never again.” His lips were on mine moving slow and gentle. His tongue slid across my bottom lip waiting for permission to enter. I reluctantly parted them, granting him access to my mouth. Our tongues intertwined with one another fervently.

  Without breaking contact with our mouths, his hands reached for the button my pants. His firm hands slid them down over my hips, discarding them on the floor. I ached and yearned for him to be inside me. He hardened the grip on my hips, pulling my legs
around his waist as I wrapped my arms around his neck.

  We fell onto the bed and he sat hovering above me. I blushed as his eyes raked down me, admiring every inch of my body. When they returned to my face, a small smile tugged at the corner of his lips before sealing them to mine again. I tugged at his hair, pulling him deeper into me. I couldn’t get close enough. I needed his touch. I wanted him to want me, all of me. We made slow and passionate love. Gray’s touch made me feel cherished.

  His body was captivating, as I ran my fingers across his hardened abs and flexed chest. I gripped his biceps, digging my fingernails into the soft supple exposed skin. We found our release together. Our bodies stiffened and then melted into one another. Gray rolled onto his side brushing back the strands of hair that had adhered themselves to the sheen of sweat on my face. He looked content and fulfilled. I smiled knowing it was me, who could make him feel that way.

  We lay entangled in each other’s bodies for what felt like an eternity. His adoring blue eyes never strayed from mine, and I couldn’t help the blush that was creeping up my entire body. This man truly loved all of my flaws and me. I brought my hand up to cup his cheek, pressing my swollen satisfied lips to his. I pushed my body up onto my unsteady legs. With my back to his unyielding gaze, I felt his long lean fingers wrap around my wrist. When I turned to face him, humiliation ripped through me as I saw the pained expression on his face. I had forgotten about the marks on my back, and I’m guessing he just saw them in the moonlit room.