On the Verge

by Ariella Papa

  “I am going to be sick,” says Roseanne. Pete rubs her belly and she kisses him. Wow, I guess they are turning into a real couple.

  “I’m sure you’ll be okay,” Tabitha says. Her tone makes me laugh.

  “Tabitha, are you staying with us tonight?” I’m having trouble focusing on her face, but when I do I see her do the once-over to the guy she’s been talking to. I’ve seen it all before. It makes me laugh so hard I almost pee my pants. “Oh, I get it, I get it. You’ve already found a place to stay.”

  “I think someone needs to take the birthday girl home,” she says.

  “Tabitha, it’s your birthday, too.” Everyone laughs at me, except Tabitha.

  The cab ride is quick. I fall asleep on Roseanne, who is in turn asleep on Pete, who is drooling and snoring against the window. I wake up when I hear Todd in the front asking me if I’m awake. I nod, kind of startled, and he pays the fare.

  It’s a tough flight up the stairs, but easier because I’m holding Todd’s hands, tight. When we get into the apartment, I remember that Monica and Chuck are here, so I drag the futon onto the floor. Roseanne and Pete pass out on the couch.

  I can’t stay in my tight black dress, so I head into my room to try to see if I’ve left any pajamas on the floor. It’s dark in there, but I can hear breathing and the sounds of moving sheets. Eww! It’s not something I want to hear or think about. I rub my feet around on the floor until I remember that I cleaned up my room on Wednesday. Shit! Why did I pick this week to be neat? The only way I am going to find my pajamas is if I turn on the light. I am not too drunk to realize that would be a bad idea.

  I go back out into the living room. Todd is watching me from the futon. I smile down at him. Once again we are forced to sleep together. “Are you all set with the light?”

  “Yeah.” I switch it off and quickly peel off my dress. I hope he can’t see my bra or underwear. I lay stiffly on the other side of the futon. I will not cross over to his side.

  “Eve, are you awake?” says Roseanne, shaking me out of dreams. She is all dressed in workout clothes. Pete is standing up next to her. I look down and realize I am only in my see-through black lace bra. I pull the sheet up. I look at Todd, who is sleeping underneath the sheet, he is holding my hand.

  “What time is it?”

  “It’s noon. I just wanted to let you know that Pete and I are going to Central Park for a jog.”

  “What? Why?” There is no way I can understand how anyone would want to do any kind of physical activity.

  “It’s a beautiful day out. Your sister and Chuck already left. They left a note. You can go sleep in your bed, if you want.” I can’t move.

  “That’s okay. Roseanne, can you just get me a T-shirt or something and some Aleve?” Roseanne comes back with everything and some water. Pete is looking real uncomfortable, so I am as discreet as possible as I slip my T-shirt over my head.

  “I’m going to wait downstairs,” Pete says. “Happy Birthday, again, Eve.”

  “Thanks, Pete, take care.” Some day that kid has to loosen up.

  “I’m probably going to hang out at Pete’s tonight. I hope you feel better and—” she looks at Todd and winks at me “—have fun.”

  “Whatever. Give me a call later.”

  “I will.” She leaves and I fall back asleep for another two hours.

  When I wake up, Todd is staring at me. Weird. Luckily, we’re not holding hands anymore. “What’s up, birthday girl? We slept a long time.”

  “Yes, we did. Roseanne and Pete have been gone for a while. Maybe we should go for a walk and seize the remainder of the day. I hear it’s nice out.”

  “Yeah, I could go for some coffee, maybe some aspirin.” As I get out of the futon, I am aware how short my T-shirt is. I tug it down and run to my room for some shorts.

  After Todd has about four aspirin and I have two more for good measure, we get dressed and head over to 10th Avenue for some outdoor breakfast. It’s really beautiful out. I feel like Todd and I are on a date. I totally think he thinks so, too.

  “You know, here we are chomping on bacon and eggs and Pete and Roseanne were up at what seemed like the crack of dawn this morning to go for a run. Crazy.”

  “Yeah, we’ll never be one of those couples,” he says. We look at each other awkwardly. “I mean, not that we are a couple or anything.” We spend the rest of breakfast gossiping about Roseanne and Pete and other couples we know. We stay far away from anything that could be about us.

  When we get up after paying the check I decide to ask him what I’ve been curious about. “So, whatever happened with that girl in Atlanta?”

  “Oh, um, it didn’t really work out. I was away too much, which they tell me is an occupational hazard. Probably why I shouldn’t get involved with anyone else for a while.” We head over toward the pier. Everyone and their mother is outside today. Bikers and roller-bladers whiz by us.

  “What about you and that guy?”

  “Guy? He was a man. Nothing happened. I don’t even know what happened. I think I liked him too much.”

  “He didn’t like you back?”

  “He did. I mean I guess he did, but you know, he liked his job a lot, too. I didn’t really like his job and that was a problem. It’s strange that we’re at an age where our jobs could even play a part in our relationships. I feel like it’s too bad I don’t like my job more, then it might be worth it.”

  “I like my job and I don’t think it’s worth it. You shouldn’t have to sacrifice things for it.” We settle onto the edge of the pier.

  “Did you really like that girl?”

  “I don’t know. I don’t think so. I think I was hung up on someone else.”

  “Oh.” For me to not ask who it is, means I think I know. For him to not tell me, means I’m right. We sit looking at the Hudson River for a while. A dog on a long leash comes over and we pet it a while, getting slobbered on.

  Todd tells me to hang out while he goes to get something. He’s gone for almost a half hour. It’s not bad, though, I lean on my elbows and throw my head back, enjoying the sun. He comes back carrying two paper bags. From one he pulls out cheese and crackers. From the other, he pulls out a bottle of wine and tiny paper cups.

  “Nice.” We cut up the cheese with his pocketknife and drink the tiny shotlike cups of wine. “Definitely unhealthy.” We sit there till the sun sets, later than usual. The summer is that much closer to us.

  “What do you want to do tonight?”

  “Well, it’s still your birthday weekend, you decide.”

  “Do you want to just rent a movie or something? Or is that lame?”

  “Eve, I’ve been here enough times. You don’t have to impress me anymore.”

  “That’s reassuring.”

  Back at home, we start watching the movie and get through the first bottle of wine (there are two). It seems like we are sitting closer on the couch than we ever would have before. I am more aware of him than usual. It’s strange to be so conscious of him and every move he makes. I find myself staring at his hands as he scratches his knee. I am positioning myself so he can take my hand if he decides to.

  “I wish we had some more of that cheese,” he says.

  “Oh, you know what we do have?” I don’t know why I am so excited.

  “What?” He’s laughing.

  “Peanut butter, I love spoons of peanut butter. Come on.” I almost knock the wine over as I get up to pause the movie. He follows me to the kitchen, laughing. I search the cabinets. Where is it? Then I think about Roseanne’s crazy fear of mice. I fling open the fridge. “Eureka!”

  Todd is holding on to the Eat in Kitchen table, he is laughing so hard. I can’t get the lid open fast enough. “It’s really good, it’s delicious. You’re going to want some, I guarantee it.” I dip in a big spoonful. “Mmm!”

  “Well come on,” he says, grabbing my hand, “let me get some of that.” I turn back toward the peanut butter. It was a mistake to drink all that wine in the s
un. Todd comes up close behind me. I turn around and we’re really close. I hold the peanut butter spoon up to him, unsure of whether or not to feed him. He kind of laughs as I sort of shove the spoon in his mouth, hitting teeth on the way.

  “Oh, I’m sorry.” He shakes his head, holding his mouth. “But, wait, wait, isn’t it good?” He nods.

  Then something weird happens, something that’s been coming. He puts his hands on my waist. I can feel his fingers on my skin. He is holding me tightly; he seems to be holding me down on the floor. I reach behind me to put the spoon down. Our faces get closer and I can smell the peanut butter and wine on his breath.

  “What’s up?” I say like an asshole. We put our foreheads together. And then, we kiss. His mouth is warm and, damn! He can kiss. The nicest part is that we keep kissing, and then we stop and hug and kiss some more.

  Then we’re in my bed. I’m on my stomach and he’s kissing my back. I’m still kind of drunk, but the room isn’t spinning or anything so I can really enjoy this. Who knew? How could Todd have been this good, and the whole time right under my nose? I can’t believe it. I’m going to be really loud.

  But, wait! I can’t do that. I can’t wreck my image. I have to keep my mystique (besides I have my period). I need to turn the tables. I sit up and push Todd back on the bed. He deserves a little treat for sticking it out, for being down for the long haul. He kept the faith, all the while holding a candle for me. You got to love this guy and I am going to love him good.

  Now, I’m no expert on these matters. I definitely think getting is better than giving, but I’m going to do it. I pin Todd’s hands up and shake my hair over his chest (I have to believe he’s been working out a lot since freshman year) and then I decide to just go for it. I am going to be so good Todd will never get me out of his head. The biggest obstacle is just getting his boxers off without hurting anything in the process. I kiss his belly for a while, urged on by his heavy breathing, and then I go for it. I think it’s going smoothly until I feel him tugging my hair and careening me back to reality.

  “Eve, Eve, come here.” Shit! I must have done something wrong.

  “What? I’m kind of in the groove here.”

  “I know, but I think maybe we should take this slow.” Slow?

  “Are you serious? Are you sure? I mean I thought this is what you wanted.”

  “Well, it is, but I just want to go slow.”

  “Oh, okay.” I can only see his face in the shadows. “Why?”

  “Well, for one thing, because you’re drunk.”

  “Only a little.” He laughs.

  “Right. And also, two months ago you were all about some other guy. Don’t get me wrong, I like it, but I want to make sure I’m not just some kind of rebound. I’ve kind of been imagining something like this for a while and I don’t want it to be for the wrong reasons.”

  I stare at him in the dark. All this time, I’ve thought of Todd as just this kid who used to watch me make microwave cookies in the dorm kitchen and now I realize he’s a man, a mature man. Scary. I don’t know what to say. “Oh.”

  “Besides, Eve, I don’t know if we should get all up in this when I’m going back to Atlanta. I mean I never planned to have a long-distance relationship.”

  “You mean, you just want me to hold you?”

  “No, you can talk to me, too.” So I do and then we fall asleep. Sometime in the middle of the night we wake up kissing again and then doze off again. It’s nice.

  I get up and make us coffee in the morning (look at me being domestic!). I run out to get the Times. He has a one o’clock flight. We sit in my bed drinking coffee and reading the paper. He doesn’t get as into the Times as I do. He only cares about the sports section, which is good because we don’t have any section conflicts. I don’t want him to leave. I half expected to not be into him once we got up this morning, but I still am. We lie around kissing for as long as possible.

  When it’s time to go, he kisses the top of my head. “I hope you had a happy birthday, little Eve.”

  “I did. I’m really glad you were here.”

  “Me, too.” He pulls me back for another kiss, then gets into the cab. He leans out the window. “I’ll call you.”

  “Okay,” I say, and put my hand up to wave. I watch his cab drive away.

  When I get to work on Monday, I’m a tad depressed. I am twenty-four. I’m supposed to be mature now. I just want to stop thinking about everything and accept that it’s normal that people my age aren’t supposed to know what they want to do, but I can never seem to shake the feeling that I’m being sucked in.

  When I get off the elevator, there are two cops and one security guard in the lobby. Did I do anything illegal this weekend? Is someone else getting fired? When Lorraine got fired there were security guards, but this is for real. This is New York’s finest.

  “What’s up?” I ask Lacey, who is hanging out at my desk.

  “It’s Gary.” Oh, my God! Gary is being taken out of his office in handcuffs.

  “Gary!” I scream, and the cops give me a funny look. “What’s going on?”

  “Take care of yourself, Eve. You’re a sweet kid.” I’m a little in shock, but I can’t really think about it, because one of the boys in blue starts asking me questions.

  “We’re going to want to talk to you further, miss. Is this where you’ll be all day?”

  “This is my job, of course I’ll be here.”

  “Good, I wouldn’t plan on making any sudden trips.”

  “What?” I yell at the officer. Soon there is another one next to us and Lacey has backed away from my desk, no doubt deciding her supply needs can wait. “Why are you talking to me like that? I don’t even know what’s going on! I just got here and I see cops carting off one of my co-workers.”

  “We’ll be by a little later to talk to everyone.”

  “Great, I’ll cancel my trip to the Cayman Islands.” A disbelieving crowd gathers around my desk. They are buzzing about what Gary could have possibly done. I wish they would get away from my desk. I still have to answer these crappy letters every month and I can’t do it with all the noise.

  They don’t stop talking about it. They’re throwing out theories. Someone suspects embezzlement, but I get involved enough to announce that Gary didn’t really handle any money and I would know if he had any sketchy expense reports. Everyone nods at me solemnly when I say this like I’m some sleuth or something.

  “I know what it was,” says Lacey, strolling over. Of course she has to steal my spotlight. Everyone turns to her, waiting. “He was selling drugs. Had been for months. He was doing illegal steroids, too. Hadn’t anyone noticed how big his calves had gotten?”

  “How do you know?” I ask, but she sort of waves her hand at me.

  “It was common knowledge.” Whatever, I suspect Lacey’s got some secrets herself. She seems like she would be a cocaine person or a secret diet pill junkie.

  I keep forgetting that the staff meeting has been officially switched to Monday to accommodate the Yoga for Life people. It happened while I was out for mental health reasons. Every Monday since then I’ve been forgetting about the meetings. I like to have moments to unwind, Monday morning especially, but instead I have to hurry down to the meeting at 11:00 and listen to a lot of boring announcements. Today everyone is whispering about Gary, but the only official word is that we will be advised when more is revealed. Herb even reads a piece that Gary wrote, which I think is a little strange.

  When I get back from the meeting, I call Tabitha, who has some news of her own. She wants to tell me in person, but the Big C is breathing down her neck, trying to get ready for her impending departure. We agree to meet in The Nook at 1:30. That means I have two hours to make a serious dent in these letters that have become my nemesis.

  I don’t get a chance to tell Tabitha about Gary, because as she is furiously eating The Nook’s version of chicken cordon bleu, she is talking hyperspeed about Elliot, the guy she wound up with this weekend.
I can see all the cheese in her mouth as she chews and talks. I hate when she gets like this. I suppose it is kind of worth it, because this news is so amazing and shocking; Elliot works at (and Tabitha takes a big deep breath before she says this) Krispy Kreme.

  “But, Tabitha, I thought you were through with service industry types.”

  “Eve, that was ages ago.”

  “Well, Elliot is American. If he’s American and works at Krispy Kreme he can’t have all that much money. Summer’s here, does he even have an air conditioner?”

  “That’s the thing, Eve, I don’t need his money, I have enough money and you and I are going to make more money as soon as we get this magazine off the ground. Don’t make that face, you have until the end of the month to decide, and I might just do it without you if you aren’t in. Anyway, maybe I was looking for the wrong things in my men. Whatever I was looking for, I’ve found it in Elliott.” She’s talking crazy now. Any second the food is going to come flying out of her mouth. It only gets worse. “I think he’s got everything I need.”

  “Why? Because he can get you unlimited Krispy Kreme?”

  “Eve, don’t be ridiculous. I’m sure that’s part of it, but, it’s more I don’t know. I feel complete after this weekend. Did you know he’s in a band?”

  “No, Tabitha, I never met him before my birthday. Are you sure it wasn’t just—?” I punch my hand in the air.

  “Eve, are you kidding? Of course that was fabulous, but it’s everything else. It’s not about that anymore. I, too, am maturing.”

  “Great. Did you tell him about your little side business?”

  “Yes. I told you, I’m all about honesty.”

  “You mean to tell me that he was okay with you selling your bloomers?”

  “Of course he was a little taken aback at first, but then I think he saw it as an assertion of my independence.”

  “How progressive of him.”

  “Come on, Eve. Be happy for me. Don’t be suspect. If I can get over his social strata so can you. He only works in Krispy Kreme so he won’t have to get a real job and take time away from making his music. The fact that I love Krispy Kreme is just an added bit of fabulousness.”