Sludgment Day

by John Kloepfer

  “Thanks, buddy.” Zack stood up and brushed himself off. “Nice moves, by the way.”

  “Little help over here, please,” Ozzie called, his back to the floor, bench-pressing the other crazed mall cop with his crutch. “This guy’s heavy.” Rice spun on his heel, wielding the bootleg weapon, and crowned the second zombie with a whap.

  “Wah … wah.” Rice made kung-fu noises.

  Ozzie jumped to his feet, balancing on his good leg. “Excellent technique, Rice. We’ll need to work on your reaction time, though.” He clapped the slime off his hands.

  “No problem, dude,” Rice said, karate-chopping the air with the edge of his hand.

  Ozzie smirked and then hobbled over to one of the discarded Segways. He propped it up and hopped on. Then he zipped forward, stopped, did a little turn, then whizzed forward again in a big looping figure eight.

  Zack and Rice stared at the other Segway, then looked at each other. “On your mark…,” Rice said.

  “Get set…,” said Zack, bending one knee.

  Rice took off early, bolting for the other Segway. “Go!”

  “Cheater!” Zack broke into a sprint and caught up to his buddy, who was chugging as fast as he could. Suddenly, Rice slipped on some slime and fell flat on his back. Zack caught up quickly and took the lead.

  “Ooooh!” Rice winced in pain, rolling onto his tummy.

  Zack stopped midway to the Segway and looked back at Rice, grabbing at his tailbone, his face scrunched in agony. He jogged back over and helped Rice to his feet. “You okay, man?” he asked.

  A devilish grin flashed across Rice’s face, and he took off again for the Segway, perfectly fine.

  “No fair, man!” Zack shouted as his friend hopped on the two-wheeled scooter and rode up to him. Rice leaned forward stiffly on the Segway speaking in a robot voice. “I am from the planet Zorgone, me and my army of slug larvae are going to take over your brains for undisclosed purposes…”

  “Five minutes, then it’s my turn.” Zack laughed at his friend. “Okay?”

  “Ten minutes,” Rice called back, zipping off after Ozzie.

  “We only have fifteen before we have to meet back up with the girls.”

  Zack walked over to the conked-out mall cops. Their motionless bodies were sprawled out on the floor like crime-scene chalk outlines. Zack cautiously nudged one of them with his toe. The unconscious zombie jiggled a little and then fell still. He examined their cheap plastic badges, their starchy white polyester shirts, and the walkie-talkies clipped to both of their collars.

  Zack reached down slowly, snatched both of the two-way radios, and then dashed after Rice and Ozzie.

  CHAPTER

  Back at the elevators, Zack waited for the girls and toyed around with the security radios. He looked up at Rice and Ozzie, who were still scooting around on the deluxe Segways. “You know it’s almost my turn, guys?”

  “Yeah, yeah, we know!” Rice called back, racing after Ozzie.

  Zack clicked the button on the two-way radio and spoke into the receiver. “Zaaack, I am your fa-ther…” His voice came out of the other speaker. Rice was right: He did sound a little whiny.

  Just then, the elevator dinged, and the doors parted.

  Madison and Zoe burst out of the car, all dressed up and reeking of perfume. Zoe wore fancy high heels, an expensive necklace, and a sleek black evening gown. Madison was decked out in designer leggings and a little waistcoat that made her look like a fashionable pirate. But despite their chic attire, the mean girls both looked nervous.

  “What’s the matter?” Zack asked, picking up on their panicky vibe.

  “Um…” Zoe panted. “We’re in trouble.”

  “But it’s not our fault…,” Madison added, as Rice and Ozzie zipped over on the Segways. They slowed to a standstill and listened up.

  “See, it all started when we were trying to find Twinkles a sweater, but we took a wrong turn and wound up in Home Furnishings, and then all of a sudden these two guys came out of nowhere, pushing a leather couch.”

  “And they were all like ‘hey baby’ this and ‘hey baby’ that,” Zoe finished.

  “What guys?” Rice asked confused.

  “Really cute high-school guys with awesome haircuts just like Justin Bieber.”

  “High school?” asked Zack with a tone of disapproval.

  “So, yeah,” Madison continued. “Their names are Dustin and Frankie…”

  “And then, like, we started talking to them,” Zoe went on.

  “Yeah, and when we told them about the antidote—”

  “You told them about the antidote?” Rice screeched.

  “I know it was stupid,” Madison said. “Our B.”

  Zack smacked his forehead, flabbergasted.

  “Anyways, they got all weird and sketchy and wanted it for themselves, like that little troll guy in Lord of the Hobbits.”

  “Exactly!” Madison agreed. “They were like dirty little Bieber hobbits!”

  “And then those jerks kidnapped Twinkles and said if we didn’t come back with the antidote in ten minutes … they’re gonna feed the little mutt to their other friend, who’s a zombie!”

  “So then we told them Rice had it,” Madison said.

  “Why’d you do that for?” Rice winced. “Your bro’s the one who has it.”

  “Huh?” Zack raised his eyebrows. “I thought you had it.”

  “Noooo,” Rice said. “I specifically remember me giving it to you.”

  “I’m pretty sure,” Zack patted his pockets with a concerned look on his face.

  “Zack!” Rice shouted and riffled frantically through his backpack. “It’s not here!”

  “I’m just messing with you,” Zack snickered and held up the vial.

  “Not funny, dude!”

  “Yeah, Zack,” said Madison. “This isn’t a joke. Twinkles’s life is at stake.”

  “Well, what are we waiting for?” Ozzie asked. “Let’s go get him back!”

  “Okay, but we’re not just handing over the antidote,” said Rice.

  “No way!” Zack said adamantly. “Just listen up. I got a plan. Come on.” He marched briskly, leading them down the mall arcade and stopping in front of a toy store. The aisles were flooded with boxes and board games, action figure packages, and remote control helicopters.

  “Remember that science kit Mom and Dad got me when I was little?”

  “You were so happy.” Zoe remembered. “That’s how I knew you’d be a nerd.”

  “Why are we here?” Madison asked.

  “We need another one of these.” Zack held the antidote vial between his thumb and forefinger and stepped into the store.

  They started digging through the landfill of toys, until Rice held up a flat rectangular box. “Jackpot!” He tore open the beginner science kit. There were beakers and test tubes and little packets of chemicals. Rice handed Zack one of the test tubes.

  “What are we gonna fill it with?” he asked.

  The World’s Largest Catsup Bottle flashed through Zack’s mind, and he led them all to a hotdog stand where he mixed a little catsup with a dash of cola, and voilà! Zack poured the ruddy concoction into the toy vial, then held up the real antidote next to the fake one.

  “Perfect,” everyone agreed. The two test tubes were almost identical.

  Now that they had the imitation serum, they had to figure out the best way to approach the teenage dognappers. Zack felt the weight of the security guard radios in his hands. We have the Segways. And the “antidote”. “Hey, Madison,” he said. “How many of us do they think we are?”

  “We only mentioned Rice,” she replied. “Not you or Ozzie.”

  “Good,” he said. “I’m gonna be Rice.”

  “Hah!” Rice scoffed. “You don’t have the chops!”

  Zack eyed his pal skeptically and handed Ozzie the other mall cop’s radio. “You two are gonna listen in and back us up.” Zack wore his radio beneath his shirt like an undercover police wire.
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  “So wait, what’s the plan again?” Madison asked.

  “We’re gonna go in and offer them a truce. If they don’t take it, then we’ll trade the fake antidote for Twinkles.” He turned to his boys. “Then you two are gonna swoop in, and biggity-bam, we’re off to the races.”

  “Biggity-bam, huh?” Zoe said, cocking an incredulous eyebrow.

  “Okay, Zack,” said Ozzie. “This could work, but remember, you gotta be cool.”

  “Hah!” Zoe scoffed. “Fat chance.”

  CHAPTER

  Zoe pushed the shopping cart full of their new sporting equipment into the elevator with Zack and Madison. Zack gave the ready signal to his boys and hit the button for the fourth floor. Ozzie and Rice were to follow them up on their Segways in a separate elevator car.

  Moments later, the doors parted on the uppermost level.

  Zack’s pulse was beating like a bongo drum as he stepped off the elevator. He checked his back pocket for the phony serum and followed his sister and Madison.

  Walking through the top floor of the mall, they passed by two camping tents set up outside the movie theater. Across from the box office, a zombified teenager was locked behind the cookie stand with the gate pulled down. The zombie gnashed its teeth on the steel metal grate, shaking the bars like an angry prisoner.

  A little farther down, two tan leather easy chairs faced an enormous flat-screen TV set up in the middle of the hall. Between the two chairs, Twinkles whinnied and pawed weakly at the metal pet store cage holding him captive.

  As they moved closer, Zack could see two pairs of hands gripping wireless Xbox controllers. They were playing Flesh Feast 4—the one video game Zack’s parents would never let him play. The object of the game was to kill as many zombies as possible.

  “Heard a rumor you guys were looking for me.” Zack played it cool and held his breath in the silence that followed.

  The two avatars on the screen froze and were quickly gobbled by the video-game zombies. Then the leather chairs spun around, and two fifteen-year-old boys stood up and tossed their controllers to the ground.

  The boy on the right was long and lanky, a good six feet tall, maybe taller. He had bleach-blond hair meticulously messed up with an expertly coiffed swoosh over one of his eyes. His face was shrouded by a black hoodie with a skeleton’s rib-cage and pelvis printed on the front like an X-ray. The boy on the left was about six inches shorter than his counterpart, though still much bigger than Zack. His face was lean and angular, and his eyes were hidden behind a pair of sunglasses. He tipped his head down, peering over the rim of his shades and smiled.

  “You must be Bryce,” said the shorter one.

  “Rice,” Zack corrected him. “I’m just gonna call you Dork for now.”

  “Rice the dork.” The tall boy sneered.

  “Yeah, well, what’s your name?” Zack could feel a cold trickle of sweat fall behind his ear. “We haven’t been properly introduced.”

  “Name’s Frankie, kid,” the tall boy said. “Frankie McFadden.”

  “I’m Dustin,” said the shorter one.

  “Well, Dustin… Frankie,” Zack addressed the diabolical duo. “We’re here for Twinkles.”

  “What’s a Twinkles?” Frankie asked.

  “That’s his name,” Madison piped up, gesturing at the caged pup.

  “No, it’s not,” Frankie balked. “His name is Brutus.”

  “As if…” Madison squealed. “It’s Twinkles, now give him back!”

  “Why don’t you make me?”

  “Everybody take it easy,” Zack said calmly. “We’re just talkin’ here.”

  “We’ll give you the dog back when you hand over the antidote,” Dustin said.

  Zack gulped and wiped his sweaty palms on his jeans. “If all you want to do is unzombify your friend over there…” He pointed to the kid stashed inside the cookie stand. “Then we’re prepared to trade you one dose in exchange for the dog.”

  “That’s not exactly what we had in mind.” Dustin smiled evilly.

  “Well, what did you have in mind?” Zoe asked.

  “We haven’t really decided yet, but the girl that works at the movie theater is super hot.”

  “Don’t forget the chick who works at American Eagle—”

  “Wait a second,” Zack interrupted. “Your plan is to waste all the antidote on a few stupid girls? You’re nuts.”

  “Allow me to explain something to you, Dork,” Dustin said, cracking his neck. “Frankie and me don’t care about saving everyone. We’ve got the Mall of America all to ourselves. We could live here for years without ever having to leave. We’ve got big plans for this place, so like I said before, give us the potion, or the dog gets it…”

  “Sorry, man.” Zack held firm. “Can’t do it.”

  “Then it’s time to say good-bye to your little mutt,” Dustin said, pulling Twinkles out of the cage.

  “For the last freakin’ time,” Madison said. “Twinkles is not a mutt!”

  “Come, come, Brutus.” Dustin walked over to the cookie stand with their puppy. His zombified friend growled behind the pull-down grate. Dustin dangled the little dog by one paw and cackled. Twinkles squeaked and twisted helplessly over the zombie’s hot slavering maw.

  “Let go of my dog, you smelly little hipster!” Madison shrieked at the top of her lungs.

  “Are you sure that’s what you want me to do?” Dustin asked with mock concern. He lowered Twinkles a little closer to the chomping jaws of their slobbering zombie pal. Frankie laughed like a goof, clapping his hands together and hopping from foot to foot.

  “You two make me sick!” yelled Zoe, her nostrils flaring.

  “Stop!” Madison pleaded, nearly bursting into tears.

  “Ah, what?” Frankie jeered. “Baby gonna cry?”

  Zack saw red, and before he knew what he was doing, he charged forward and grabbed Frankie around the waist, trying to tackle him to the ground. Zoe and Madison’s jaws both dropped. “Zack, don’t!”

  “Bad move, phlegm-wad!” Frankie picked Zack up with ease, spun him around like a small child and then slammed him down face-first onto the seat cushion. Frankie dug his knee into Zack’s back and mushed his face into the leather seat. “Did I keep it warm enough for you?”

  “Wait!” Madison winked at Zack. “You can have it. Just leave him alone.”

  “Yeah, Zack, it’s not worth it,” Zoe said now. “Just give it up and everything will be okay.” She sounded like she was reading from a bad movie script.

  Note to self, Zack thought. My sister’s a horrible actress.

  “Fine.” Zack grunted and reached his arm back, pulling the tube of red liquid out of his pocket. “Here!” Frankie ripped the test tube out of Zack’s hand.

  “I see you’ve come to your senses.” Dustin walked away from the cookie stand and flung Twinkles bouncing hard across the floor.

  Madison gasped and picked up her puppy, glowering at Dustin.

  Frankie shoved Zack down harshly and let go. Dustin took the test tube from Frankie. He held the phony serum vial high in the air, grinning psychotically, a mad gleam twinkling in the mallrat’s eyes.

  CHAPTER

  “All right,” Zack said. “You got what you wanted.” He turned to Madison and Zoe. “Let’s get out of here…”

  “Not so fast,” Dustin interrupted. “Now we have to see if it actually works.” He snapped his fingers, and Frankie grabbed Madison, restraining her with her arms behind her back. Twinkles dropped to the floor, yapping away.

  “Ow, jerko,” she cried. “Take it easy!”

  “Let her go, dirtbag!” Zack demanded.

  Dustin unscrewed the vial of antidote and walked back over to the cookie stand. He let a few drops fall on his undead friend’s wriggling zombie tongue.

  “Not too much, bro,” said Frankie. “Save some for the babes.”

  “How long does this stuff take to kick in?” Dustin asked as their zombie friend gargled down the catsup-y concoction.<
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  “Five minutes, tops,” Zack replied, massaging the soreness out of his arm. “It depends.”

  “Well, it better work if you guys want to walk out of here with your brains intact.” Dustin dragged a line across his throat with his finger. “Wait right there.” Frankie tightened his grip on Madison as the bullies observed their “unzombifying” buddy with anticipation.

  “Where are Rice and Ozzie?” Zoe asked her brother through clenched teeth.

  Zack shrugged. They should have been here by now.

  “That’s one minute,” Dustin announced, still staring at his watch.

  Frankie glared at Zack suspiciously, holding Madison in a half nelson. Dustin sniffed the test tube, daubed a drop of it on his finger, and gave it a lick. He looked at Frankie and narrowed his eyes. “Catsup.”

  Dustin whipped his head around, wild-eyed with rage, and smashed the vial of phony antidote on the floor. Frankie grabbed Madison by the wrist and forced her hand toward the mouth of their zombified pal. Madison squealed and Zoe raced to stop him, but Dustin jumped in front of her, blocking her path. Frankie laughed maniacally, pushing Madison’s hand closer and closer. Zack sprinted for Frankie, too, and Dustin spun around, quickly kicking Zack to the ground.

  Madison’s fingers were inches away from the chomping zombie’s incisors. “Uh-ah!” She slipped out of Frankie’s grasp, grabbed his arm, and twisted it around his back. She was behind him now, pushing Frankie face-to-face with the zombie prisoner. “You like that?” she taunted him. Frankie put his hand up against the metal grate.

  Nom nom nom…

  “Ow! It bit me!” Frankie clutched his hand between his knees and yowled.

  Off the thug’s radar, Zack crawled quickly on the floor and crouched down on all fours behind Dustin’s legs. Zoe saw her brother and charged Dustin, who tripped over Zack and fell backward on his tailbone.

  “Run!” Zack, Zoe, Madison, and Twinkles raced away from the mallrats.

  Vrrrrrrooooom! Rice and Ozzie sped around the corner on their Segways.