This time the phone rang, and when Levi’s name flashed across the screen, I exhaled.
We didn’t need to begin the conversation with bullshit; Levi went straight to it. “What’s up, brother?”
I clenched my hand into a fist. “It’s Natalie. We’re done.”
“What! But you love that girl. What the fuck is going on?” He knew how I was wired. I wouldn’t end a relationship unless it was warranted, and in my book, keeping the fact that she had a child a secret warranted our separation.
Lowering my voice, I forced myself to say the words. “She had a kid, and she never even fucking told me about it.”
“What do you mean she had a kid? Did you ever see her with one?” He was definitely as confused as I was.
“I don’t know, man. I didn’t even give her a chance to explain. Just overheard her telling Grace that she had a baby and that was it.”
“Well fuck me . . .” his voice trailed off.
“Yeah, this is fucked up, but it’s not my problem anymore. She isn’t my problem anymore.” Now if only my heart would agree with my head on this one.
“You need a place to get away for a while? You know the door’s always open man.” I knew he wouldn’t let a brother down.
“Thanks. I was hoping you would say that. You care if I head there tonight? I can’t stand to be around this fucking place.” I sat and looked around, already mentally packing my bag.
“Whatever works for you. I’ll be here whenever you get here.”
“Thanks, I appreciate it. Gonna pack some things, and I’ll text you when I head out.”
“All right, drive safe.”
We ended the call, and before I could put the phone down, it pinged again. Instead of opening and reading each message, I deleted them.
Less than ten minutes later, my bag was in the bed of the truck, Boones was riding shotgun, and I was turning onto the interstate.
“Atlanta here we come.”
TWO WEEKS HAD passed, and I wasn’t sure how much more silence I could take. Cy refused to answer any of my calls or texts. I drove past his house a few times, and his truck was never there. Was he even at home? Was he drowning in someone else?
It felt as if I were in a revolving pity party with no way out. I couldn’t even escape into sleep anymore. If I were able to sleep at all, I would dream of him.
The first few days, I hid out in my bedroom and did nothing but cry. I cried every kind of tear: silent tears, big, fat salty tears, tears that made my face burn and swell, wracking sobs, and then empty, numb tears. My heart was starting to understand Cy no longer wanted me. Not that it liked it, but it was starting to understand.
The hope I held on to dwindled. I couldn’t believe that he would leave and not want to even attempt to work this out, or at the very least allow me to explain. He should have let me explain.
A pounding sound at my front door startled me from the funk I had slipped into. I wasn’t expecting anyone, and it was a fat chance Cy would be standing on the other side of the door with open arms.
Then my anxiety spiked. What if it were Trent?
BOOM!
BOOM!
BOOM!
“NATALIE! I know you’re in there. Open the door right now!” The demanding voice belonged to Spencer. I flew off the couch.
Running to the front door, I didn’t even bother to disarm the alarm before I swung it open and threw myself into the arms that would help me pick up the pieces—again.
“What the hell happened?” He breathed heavily into my hair. “I can’t leave you alone for two minutes without shit happening.” That was Spencer’s way of diffusing an uncomfortable situation, and anytime he saw me cry, it made him uncomfortable. The alarm beeped its countdown warning, so I quickly stepped out of his embrace to disarm it.
“What is all this?” He pointed to the pigsty that was now my living room. Then he turned and pointed at me. “And you . . . Did you forget how to shower or work your washing machine? Geezh, Nat, you could at least change out of your week-old pajamas.
“When my dad called and said you had checked out and that everyone was walking on eggshells around you, I honestly didn’t think it was this bad.”
“He found out about the baby and left me,” was all I choked out before my throat felt like it was closing off, blocking the necessary air my lungs needed. I started to hyperventilate.
Spencer held onto me tight. “Shh, take it easy. Calm down, it’ll be okay.” He ran his hand gently down my head. “I’m here, I have you.”
Walking us slowly over to the couch, Spencer eased me down and sat right next to me. He consoled me, allowing me to catch my breath before he gently went into interrogation mode.
“What happened?” His voice was so gentle and caring that it made me want to cry all over again.
Did I even deserve his kindness?
Once I felt a bit calmer, I explained everything. I told him about how I kept the fact that I had a baby hidden from Cy and that he just so happened to walk around a corner as I blurted it out to Grace. That he didn’t give me a chance to explain before ending it on the spot. How he said that I was not good enough for him.
“What the fuck? I can understand him being angry, but really? He had to go there?”
Spencer sat there with his arm around my shoulder, lending his strength. He’d helped me tremendously when I moved to San Diego and I thought my life had fallen apart. He made all the necessary arrangements so the baby would be placed in a loving home, which was something I didn’t think I would have been able to give him or her. I still had no idea if I had a boy or girl. I hadn’t wanted to know. Knowing would have made giving up my baby harder than it was already. That child deserved a life with two loving parents who would raise him or her with the best possible care. That baby deserved a life that Trent and his poison couldn’t reach. I didn’t think I would have ever been able to look at that child and not see Trent looking back at me. An innocent child deserved a mother who didn’t have resentment in her heart.
“WHAT THE FUCK, dude?” Levi grabbed a pillow off the recliner and threw it at me. “Go take a fucking shower, the girls are gonna be here any minute.”
“What girls? Where the hell are we going?” I groaned. “How many times do I gotta tell you I don’t want just any willing pussy?”
“If you would get your head out of your ass and listen, I told you were taking Mandi and Lacey out to that party.”
“What party? You never told me about no damn party.”
“Yeah, I did. If for one minute you would stop thinking about her, maybe you would hear a goddamn word I’ve said the past couple of weeks.” Levi sighed. “Look man . . . I know how fucked up you are about this. Shit, you look worse off than the time Trish pulled that shit on you. But dude, you can’t just sit here and do nothing about it.”
After blowing out a heavy breath, I sat and stared at the ceiling. “What the fuck am I gonna do?”
Levi clapped my shoulder. “I don’t know man. What about giving her a chance to explain?” He held one finger up. “Hold up and listen for a sec. I know you man, and I know this is gonna eat at you until you decide to do something about it. Now, if it were me . . . I’d be drowning in every willing wet— ”
“Fuck!” I hissed as the doorbell rang.
Levi clapped my shoulder again and stood. “Take a damn shower. You’re starting to stink.”
“Screw you, asshole.” I muttered. I knew deep down he was just messing with me.
Standing in front of the mirror, waiting for the room to steam up, I gripped the counter and stared back at the man I had come to despise. The last fourteen days had been nothing but self-loathing, self-pity, and grief. Not to mention the women who had no self-respect, willing and ready to give up their bodies for the sake of a good time.
There was no way in hell I was going to let some random woman possibly ruin any chance, if there was one, of reconciling my relationship with Natalie. My heart was pissed with me. It knew it
shouldn’t be grieving, knowing damn well what a crazy irrational fool I had turned into.
Shutting down the thoughts, I moved to the shower. Everything was mechanical now: wash, rinse, shave, and get dressed. I was on autopilot and didn’t give a shit. When I finally walked out of my room, still in a haze that switched rapidly between anger and numbness, I heard giggling coming from the kitchen. Addie came into view. She sat there smiling, talking to her brother. As soon as she noticed me, her eyes drained of any kind of friendliness.
She pointed her finger in an accusatory tone, and ripped me a new one. “You! You are such an asshole Cyrus Abraham Davis! And I CAN-NOT believe how big of one you really are. Do you realize how sick to her stomach Natalie is because of this?”
Addie hopped off her stool and stalked toward me. “Are you that much of an ass that you couldn’t even let her explain? I’m sure there’s a very good reason—don’t you?” Her voice climbed an octave. “Are you that fucked in your own head that you would walk away from the best thing that has ever happened to you . . . what about forgiveness?” She finished, almost nose to nose with me.
“Look Addie . . .”
“No! Don’t you ‘look Addie’ me.”
The doorbell rang. I glanced at Levi, who shrugged and walked out of the room.
Addie took a deep breath and stepped back. I should be mad at her for butting into my shit, but honestly, how could I be?
“Addie, quit. I know I fucked up. Big time.” I cleared my throat and Levi walked back in, followed by two women I didn’t know.
“Hey”— Levi pointed his thumb over his shoulder—“you ready to head out?”
“Seriously, Levi! Are you for real right now?” Addie scolded her brother. He half smirked and shrugged.
“Who’s this?” bimbo number one hissed out.
“‘Who’s this?’ Bitch, you better step the fuck off— ”
“Excuse me?” bimbo clipped and cocked her hip.
“Levi, head out without me. I got some shit to take care of.” I could feel the heat firing up between Addie and the brunette and it needed to be doused.
“Up to you.” He held his arms out—one for each woman—turned around, and walked out.
“What the hell, Cy! You couldn’t give Natalie a chance to explain, but you’re going out screwing other bitches already?”
“Woah! Hold it right there. I never said anything about screwing other women. You of all people should know me better than that. I ain’t that type of guy, Ads. Besides, your brother sprung that on me like twenty minutes ago. I had no intention of hooking up with either of them.” I hung my head and lowered my voice. “I couldn’t do that to her. No matter how fucked up I am . . . I just couldn’t.”
“Sit,” she ordered. We both took a seat at the kitchen table. “Look, I’m sorry. Grace told me what happened, and I don’t get why you won’t let her explain? Why you acted beyond irrational?”
“Seriously! You think keeping the fact that she had a child isn’t something she should share with the person she’s been fucking?”
“Well . . . no. If it were just the person she was fucking, then no.” She shook her head, “But if it’s the person she loves, then yes.” She sighed heavily and patted the top of my hand. “But try and see it from her side. Can you imagine what she went through? How hard it must have been for her? You probably can’t. Heck, I can’t either. I’ve never been in an abusive relationship. I’ve never been pregnant or loved someone before they were even born. I’ve never known the kind of pain that comes with making a choice like she had to. How hard that must have been. Think about it for a second. She gave up her baby, not because she didn’t love it, because let’s face it, Natalie isn’t that type of person. No, she gave it up to protect it from a father who would probably beat and abuse it . . . just like he did to her. I’ve never had to crush myself to save someone else. Have you? Can you even pretend to imagine the pain she went through? No, you can’t. Because instead of being there and trying to understand, you just took off, Cy. Like a coward.”
Staring at the grain lines of the wood table, her words swirled through my mind and my heart ached. I acted like a total fool. Addie was right. I didn’t have any idea what Natalie had gone through. Her hurt had cut much deeper than mine had. It was visceral and soul deep. Mine, while I wasn’t discounting the pain and humiliation I had suffered, didn’t touch what she went through. Yet, I still tried to justify my actions.
“If you heard her,” I choked out. “Ads, I heard her telling Grace, not me. I had to find out by overhearing their conversation.” I shook my head. I needed to take a breath; my eyes were starting to burn. “Hearing her say she had a baby . . . and it wasn’t mine felt like she ripped my heart out and stomped on it right in front of me.”
“Cy, did you even hear yourself? You have always been a lot of things—kind, giving, strong. When did you add self-centered to your list of attributes? Come on. There is more to it than that, and you know it. Plus, Natalie would never intentionally or maliciously hurt you. This was something that was beyond her. Maybe she was afraid.”
“I thought she was the one, and then I find out she couldn’t even trust me— ” I completely choked. This hurt worse than any fucking teenage prank. “Shit! I fucking love that girl.”
“Then what are you doing in Atlanta hiding? Why aren’t you there with her? Supporting her? Trying to understand her? Loving her?”
I looked at Addie, at a loss for words. Not in the way I normally was. This was something different I couldn’t put my finger on.
“Shit Ads, what do I do? Is it too late?” I hung my head. Shame was what was filling my heart and closing my throat. I was ashamed of what I had done and how I’d treated Natalie. Ashamed of the man I had become. I let down the one woman who truly owned my heart. Now what? I pounded my fists against the table and I shoved the chair back. I had to get the hell out of there and try. I’d grovel on my hands and knees begging if I had to, I prayed it wasn’t too late.
“Where are you going?” Addie yelled toward my back.
“Grovel for my girl back.”
Seeing her car parked out front gave me a sliver of hope. There might be a miniscule chance to fix the damage I had caused, but only if she would talk to me. How would I make her see what a jerk I had been and at the very least allow me to apologize?
With heavy steps, I made my way to the front door and knocked. It probably wasn’t necessary because Sadie was already at the door yelping and announcing my presence. A minute later, the sound of the top lock unlatching made my insides turn. I felt sick. Then the doorknob turned and the door opened slowly. My eyes remained fixed on the spacing of the wood floor, I didn’t have the will to look at her. I couldn’t bear to see the hurt and pain I had caused in her beautiful green eyes.
Silence.
After I got my balls back, I looked up and what I saw hit me worse than a cleaver to the heart. Everything about her was disheveled. The whites of her eyes were stained a shade of red, and her already slender frame looked like it had shed about ten pounds. The ache in my heart grew and “Blue” just about slipped past my lips. Did I even have the right to call her that anymore?
“Nat,” I whispered and swallowed hard.
No answer. But her eyes shot painful daggers at me.
“Is it too late to talk?” I tucked my hands in my front pockets, trying to control my out-of-control nerves. We stood there in silence for a long bout. I didn’t realize the extent of the damage I had done until I watched a single tear slide along the side of her cheek and the small space between the door and the frame closed.
“Natalie—please! Can we talk about this?”
Another minute of silence.
The front door flew open and she stood there in all her beautiful anger. “Really! Now, when it’s convenient for you, you want to talk? What is there to talk about, Cyrus? Huh, tell me.” My name on her lips like that hurt, but I held back my cringe. “What? You just so happened realized that you m
ade a colossal mistake—that you want to try and work things out? Well, what about when I wanted to talk and explain. Did you even give me a chance? NO! So you know what Cyrus?’
She didn’t slam the door in my face, she stood there in full view, angry and waiting.
“If it’s worth anything, I really am sorry.” I was a chicken shit. I couldn’t bring myself to look her in the eyes.
“Me too.”
“I love you. I was being stupid. Hearing you say you had a baby by another man had me seeing red . . . I couldn’t think straight—I’m sorry. I just hope you can forgive me.”
“I understand, but sometimes ‘I’m sorry’ isn’t enough. Good-bye Cy.”
Once again I stood face to face with the wooden door.
How could he? How could he—after everything—think he could just apologize and waltz right back into my life?
Closing the door on him just about killed me. I felt pain radiate in my heart and throb to the depths of my soul and in that moment I no longer wanted to be here. This was all too much. I loved him too much, but honestly, if he couldn’t trust me and I couldn’t trust him—where did that leave us? I came to Savannah for a fresh start, but after this, I wasn’t sure how long I would last here. I was used to running, so why wouldn’t I run now?
The physical pain I felt from Trent’s hands was insignificant to the pain that ached in my heart. The bruises and welts that Trent left on my skin were mere week-long reminders. But my heart—the pain and the hurt—I wasn’t sure how long, if ever, it would take to heal.
Not wanting to live in my own personal hell again, I knew what I had to do. I didn’t have to be happy about it, but to survive something of this magnitude, I had to go on existing. Spencer helped. He made me eat and shower and go out. He wouldn’t let me make excuses about not going to work and even called Grace a few times when I was being stubborn. This morning was harder than the last few, though. He was leaving and I was losing my crutch.
Waiting on Faith (She's Beautiful Series Book 2) Page 21