I picked up my cell phone from the nightstand and dialed Cy’s phone number. It was something I had taken to doing when no one else was around. He never answered, not that I expected him to after what I said to him. Yet, if he meant what he said, he would have picked up. Seemed like neither of us were truthful that day on my porch.
A high-pitched trio of beeps pierced through the line. “The number you have dialed has been changed or is no longer in service. Please check the number you have dialed and try your call again.”
Baffled, I pulled the phone away from my ear, looking at the seven digits displayed on the screen, double-checking I had dialed the right number. I hung up and tried again, and when I got the same message one more time, I broke. The shattered pieces of my heart gave up, turning to dust inside my chest. I had lost him.
There was a tap at my bedroom door before Spencer walked in. “Good morning.”
I couldn’t even bring myself to try to smile. My heart was numb. I was numb.
“Hey, baby girl.” He swiped his thumb under my eyes. When had I started crying? I didn’t know. Did I even care? “What happened?”
“He turned his phone off.” God, even my voice sounded splintered. I held up my cell phone. “He changed his number. I can’t even call to listen to his voicemail anymore.”
Spencer pulled me in for a tight hug. He didn’t have to say anything. His hugs always made me feel a sense of peace.
He pulled away, holding on to my upper arms. “Maybe I should stay a little longer?”
I shook my head. “No. You need to get back to your life.” I looked at him, scrunching my nose and trying to smile at the same time. I didn’t want to cry any more tears in front of anyone. “You have a life, and besides, I’m a big girl. I have to learn to put one foot in front of the other.” A partially sad giggle escaped. “I’ll be fine.”
Spencer’s jaw clenched as he stared at me, most likely deciphering if I was being honest. He nodded. “Okay, but if you need me, you know I’m just a phone call away.”
I nodded. “Yeah, I know. And thank you. I appreciate everything you’ve done.” I sat up and gave him a big hug.
I got out of bed, not caring that I was a mess, and walked Spencer to the front door. He gave me one final hug and picked up his bag, which was already packed and ready to go. This time I let the tears fall. This time the tears had nothing to do with my broken heart. They were all for Spencer, the best cousin, who was more like a brother, a girl could ever have.
“Take care of yourself,” he whispered close to my ear before kissing the top of my head.
I nodded. “I will, and you do the same. Text me when you make it home safely.”
Spencer nodded. “I will.” He turned around and headed out.
I stood there, watching him climb into his car and reverse out of my driveway. He sounded his horn and extended his arm out the window, and I held my hand out in a suspended wave.
I sighed. What now?
Sadie ran to me as I closed the door and armed the alarm system. I scooped her up and kissed her head. “How’s my girl?” Her stinky, pink tongue licked my face in response, and that was the first honest giggle I let out in weeks. “Baby girl, we need to brush your teeth.”
Another two weeks passed without a word from Cy, and my hurt turned from its numbness, embracing the anger. Anger at him for what he had done to us by walking away, but also at myself for not giving him a chance to make things right.
Stepping out of the shower, I heard my phone ringing. I raced up to it and saw Addie’s name on the caller ID.
“Hey girl, what’s up?” I answered with my best cheery voice, hoping she couldn’t tell I was dead inside.
“AJ called, said he tried calling you, but you never answered. Grace had her baby early this morning—a little girl.”
My heart jumped to my throat, and an unfamiliar smile spread across my cheeks. “Oh my goodness! A little girl! But she’s not due for another three weeks?”
“I asked the same thing! Apparently, that’s somewhat normal for a second baby.”
Thinking about it, I realized that Grace was at thirty-seven weeks, and they did say that your second child was usually early. “I guess it is.”
“Do you want to come with me to see them?”
There was no way I could say no. This was Grace. I had to go. “Yeah, what time did you want to head on over?”
“How about an hour. Is that enough time for you to get ready?”
“Yeah, I can be ready in an hour.”
“Okay. See you then!”
I plopped down heavily on my bed. Besides going to work and randomly driving by Cy’s house, I hadn’t been out of my house in almost a month. Was I strong enough to face all of my friends? Would they bombard me with questions? Would they be upset I never said anything to anyone? Did anyone other than Grace know? I didn’t have answers.
One thing I did know was that no matter how black and dark I felt, I would put on my mask, guard my lightless heart, and hope no one saw right through me.
An hour and thirty-five minutes later, Addie and I were walking down the sterile, eggshell-colored hall toward our dear friend and the little angel that would be lying beside her.
When we reached Grace’s room, Addie rapped her knuckles lightly against the doorjamb while I held the balloons and flowers we bought at the gift shop.
“Come in.” Grace whispered, just loud enough for us to hear.
Grace was propped up against a mountain of pillows, holding a tiny baby swaddled in pink flannel. A tinge of jealousy pinched my heart, and I hated myself in that second for having that feeling. Turning my head away, I exhaled any negative feelings. Grace did not deserve any of that. Besides, she was my best friend, and I shouldn’t be anything but happy for her.
Turning back toward her, I smiled a genuine smile and set the flowers and balloons close to her bedside. “Congratulations, Mama.” I leaned in and placed a gentle kiss to her beautiful little girl’s forehead, whispering, “God bless you, princess.”
Stepping away, I gave Addie room to hug Grace and her little one. In a hushed tone, I asked, “So what’s our little princess’s name?”
Grace looked down lovingly at her little girl who had a head full of strawberry-blonde hair. “Maddie Grace. AJ insisted. Well, it’s actually Madeline Grace. He wanted my middle and first name’s swapped.” She ran a gentle finger down her daughter’s little cheek.
“That’s beautiful, Grace,” Addie said, smiling.
“How are you doing?” I asked her as she turned her head away, yawning.
“Good. Tired.” She pecked another kiss to her daughter’s head. “I can’t believe she’s here. I love her so much already, and we’ve only just met.” Addie and I both softly giggled at Grace’s comment.
Addie and I sat in the two plastic visitor chairs and chatted with Grace for a little while. Needing to let go of the weight holding down my heart, I took notice of the floral arrangements that decorated the room. There were two large spring arrangements and a few smaller ones. Each one had some kind of pink Mylar balloon attached. A wave of sadness took over me, and again I tried my best to squash it.
“That arrangement is gorgeous.” I pointed to the large floral arrangement. The different color daisies were beautiful.
“It’s beautiful isn’t it? AJ’s mom and dad sent that one.” Then she pointed to the other large arrangement. “And that one is from my Aunt Jackie.”
“Hey, where’s AJ. Shouldn’t he be here with you?” Addie asked.
“He went to get Drew ready for school and make sure he got there on time.”
“You’re sending your son to school on the day his little sister arrived?” Addie questioned.
“Of course. Why not? AJ will pick him up and bring him by when he’s finished with school. There really isn’t much he could do here anyway.”
A soft knocking had us all turning to the door again as a young woman in scrubs walked in.
“Mom, do you
mind if I take Madeline for a little while? We need to do some checks and your pediatrician called to let us know she is on the way to check out the new arrival.” She said all of this as she scanned a wristband on Grace’s wrist and then another one on Maddie’s little ankle.
“As long as no one gives her any shots yet. AJ and I want to be there for those.” Grace said, tucking Maddie’s foot back into the blankets.
“Of course. Just to make sure, I’ll personally tell everyone.” The nurse was so sweet as she reassured Grace, and again, my heart hurt. Had anyone been there to comfort my child during their shots? I couldn’t stop my eyes from welling with tears, and both Addie and Grace noticed.
“She’s beautiful, Grace. I’m so happy for you.” If Grace knew why I was so upset, she didn’t give any sign of it, which I was thankful for.
“Okay, well we should let you get some sleep while you can,” Addie said, standing. “Call if you need anything.”
I stood and walked over to Grace so I could give her a hug. “Congratulations again. I’ll see you soon.”
“Thanks, Nat. See you soon.” Grace smiled, holding onto my forearm for a minute. I knew she wanted to talk, but right now was about her. My problems could wait.
I watched with detachment as Addie led me into the hospital courtyard. I turned to look at her and shook my head.
After sitting and crossing her legs, Addie patted the seat next to her. “Have a seat. Let’s talk.” She looked at me with her eyebrows raised and smiled sympathetically. “Please.”
I groaned in response, even though she couldn’t hear me. Exhaling another heavy breath, I dropped my body down onto the bench in a childish way. I had no words. I didn’t want to talk. Regardless if the sun was warm on my skin and made me feel a smidgen better, I did not want to discuss my life’s current events.
Addie hadn’t said a word for a good five minutes, but I could see the wheels turning behind her eyes.
“So how have you been, Nat?” She patted the back of my hand. “It’s pretty out here.” Then she jerked her thumb behind her. “Well not so much back there, that building looks like an asylum.”
Avoiding her question and rambling, I stared at her hand, willing myself to not cry. All this crying lately was giving me a headache.
I should have known she’d wait patiently while I gave myself time to think. Swallowing, I stole a glance at her and sighed. “I’m fine.”
“Bullshit,” she whispered. “If Cy’s a mess, how can you sit here and tell me you’re ‘just fine’?” She cocked one eyebrow and continued to wait patiently for an honest answer.
Huffing, I knew she wasn’t going to let this go until she was satisfied. “I’m dealing with it the best I can, Addie. What do you want me to say?” I snapped and looked anywhere but at her. It wasn’t my intention to be rude, but if she wanted truth, she’d get the attitude that came along with the painful words.
She reached over and squeezed my hand. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to be insensitive.” She looked at me almost as if she could see right through me. “I paid him a visit. He mentioned a little about what had happened, about the way he found out. That’s when he drove back down here to talk to you. Nat, I’m worried about you, that’s all.”
I nodded. Did I want to hash out all the pain and hurt I’d caused? Addie was my friend, but she’d known Cy a whole lot longer. I didn’t want her to have to choose sides.
Lowering my head again, I zoned in on a crack in the cement, thinking that starting from the beginning would be best. “I kept some important information about my past from Cy, and he overheard me talking to Grace. That was how he found out.” Nervous, I picked a piece of imaginary lint from my jeans then dusted off my thigh. I could feel my eyes start to well with tears, and I blinked them back. I would not cry in public.
“I had a baby, and I gave it up for adoption.” The words were soft, barely a whisper, but I knew she heard me.
I stared at Addie, and she stared back at me. By the look on her face, she could have been thinking anything. “Well . . .” Another beat passed before she blinked and shook her head. “I know. Please don’t be mad at her, but Grace told me. She was worried about you.”
My eyes shifted upward as I continued to fight back tears. Blinking rapidly and praying I wouldn’t end up a blubbering mess sitting in such an open and public area, I took a few deep breaths.
She wrapped her arm around my shoulder she gave me a side hug and I was thankful for the comfort and the strength she shared. “Have you talked to him since?”
I shook my head. “No. Not after that day I closed the door on him and shut him out of my life.” I lowered my voice, hating to have to admit this aloud. “I tried calling, but his phone was disconnected. Isn’t that a sign of him making it perfectly clear that he’s done with me?”
Addie took my hand between both of hers and squeezed it in support. “I don’t think that’s entirely true, Nat. I’ve talked to my brother a couple of times. He said Cy’s real torn up—actually he said he’s a fucking mess. I can understand your reasons for not wanting to tell him, but— ”
“He’s changed his number, Addie. How clearer does he need to be?” I jumped up and stared down at her, waiting for her to voice her opinion. When she didn’t, I sat back down, hung my head in my hands, and continued, “I hurt him tremendously. I know that, and I accept complete responsibility.” All this explaining had me twisted. I looked back up at her. “He was straight with me from the beginning, and I know I hurt him, but he didn’t even give me a chance to explain.”
She was about ready to say something, but I held my hand up, stopping her. “I know I don’t deserve anything from him, but I wish he’d at least let me explain. Giving that child up will always be the hardest thing I have ever done or will ever do.”
“I’m sure it was, but I can’t even begin to think I understand the hell you’ve been through, but you’re both hurt, and you both have reason to be. Don’t give up just yet,” she said and her eyes looked so sad. “I’d hate to see you both throw it all away so soon.”
“What am I supposed to do? It’s been five weeks. That is over a month. Doesn’t that spell ‘leave me the hell alone’?”
She pursed her lips and shook her head. “Normally, I would say yes. With Cy, though, he’s a different breed all together. All I’m asking is for you to give it a chance. He loves you so much, and he’s hurt terribly right now.” Her demeanor softened. “He needs to work this out in his own head. He’s been hurt bad in the past, and I’m sorry I have to say this, but this is a million times harder for him than anything else he’s ever dealt with. He loves you way too much.”
Bowing my head, I nodded sadly. “I know, and I appreciate you being honest with me and not hating me for this. I know he’s your friend too, I just— ” The tears dropped like thick, heavy raindrops and there was no way I could finish my thought. I ran the back of my hands under my eyes. I would not have any witnesses to my crying.
By the time I composed myself, Addie was standing, holding her hand out. “Come on, let’s have lunch. We need to put some meat back on those skinny bones of yours.”
MY RESOLVE TO ignore Addie’s request that I not throw in the towel was hanging on by less than a very thin thread, as another week passed with no word from Cy. If there were even a speck of hope he would fight for us, he would have done so by now. As each day passed, I was another step closer to giving up, and honestly, I didn’t know why I was even hanging on.
Waking up on the wrong side of the bed was becoming very common for me; Cy and the pain we caused each other continued to keep me up at night. I woke almost every morning drained and restless, completely unable to find an ounce of strength to care about anything. When I went to work or any public area, I painted on a mask. Uncle Blair had no clue I was falling apart inside, and I wanted to keep it that way. But when I was home, confined inside the four walls which had become a prison of sorts, I was stripped bare in every sense.
I was sprawl
ed on the couch with Sadie snuggled next to me, in the same clothes I had been wearing since Friday night. Empty takeout containers littered my coffee table and floor. I had been there for what felt like days. When a knock sounded on my front door, I ignored it. But it sounded again, and Sadie jumped off the couch and ran barking and skidding down the hallway.
I wasn’t dressed for visitors, but I didn’t care. I wasn’t expecting anyone. My friends at least had the decency to call first.
Peeking out of the peephole, the female version of the man my heart ached for stood there plain as day, and my body went on high alert. Sucking in a deep breath, I disarmed the alarm, slowly unlocked the door, and willed myself to be civil.
“Candace.”
“Natalie,” she countered not very politely.
“And to what do I owe this pleasure?”
“Well, it seems that my brother has come to his senses,” she claimed, staring at me with an amused smirk that made me feel as if she had punched me in the gut. Picking up a trash bag, she held it up in front of my face. “My brother asked that I clear out all your belongings from his home before he returned.” She dropped the bag right at my feet, and my heart fell with it. That tiny thread holding my even tinier sliver of hope snapped.
Staring at the black trash bag, I refused to cry. I told my mind and my heart that we would wait until she left to break down. Someone else’s pain should not bring another person happiness.
“Thanks,” I choked out, closing the door softly. I wouldn’t even give her the satisfaction of having me yell at her. Only her palm connected with a slap as she stopped the door from closing. I stared at her. Waiting.
“I knew this would happen,” she started. “If he had listened to me to begin with, he would’ve known early on you were never good enough for him. He could’ve saved himself all this unnecessary heartache.”
My teeth clenched in response, and my hands balled into fists. Sucking in a deep breath necessary to maintain my composure, I laid it on thick. “And who the hell are you to judge? You know nothing about me, nothing about why I did what I did.”
Waiting on Faith (She's Beautiful Series Book 2) Page 22