“Maria’s recital is tomorrow night, dumbass. Today's Friday.” Somewhere I felt a twinge of guilt at my harsh tone, but I couldn’t even bring myself to care.
“It’s Monday, Colt.” Dante picked up the bottle of Highland. “Maybe stop killing off three-hundred-dollar bottles of whiskey, huh? Leave something for the customers?”
“Oh, shit,” I murmured, putting my hands over my face, seeing sweet little Maria let down. “Wait…” I sat up straight as I realized something else.
“Trent’s taken care of.” Dante sounded oddly calm. “Diane called me when she couldn’t find you this morning. I brought him to Mama Ange’s. He’s having a blast and she’s spoiling him rotten. Oh, and Ange said if you don’t call her back today, she’s gonna disown you. So, I came to find you. Can’t have that happening. And Di said there’s like no food in your apartment. When’s the last time you ate? Or showered?”
“Thanks for taking care of Trent,” I muttered, feeling like an idiot but ignoring the rest of his questions. I just needed some time alone, which was impossible to get with this fucking family.
“Everyone’s worried about you, Colt. No one’s been able to get a hold of you in like a week. Joe was like ‘we’re going to find him wandering around in the mountains somewhere’,” Dante said with a laugh.
Pulling out my phone, I saw that it was dead, and plugged it in. Sure enough, once it turned on, it began buzzing like crazy as missed call after missed call came through. Never mind the texts.
“Marone. You guys don’t have to worry. I worry. That’s what I do.” It came out far more bitter than I’d meant. “It’s fine. I’ll handle it later. Can you let me get back to work now?”
“Colt, I don’t mind fielding your calls, man, but this shit has to stop. Yeah, the family needs you, but we got you, too. Let’s talk about this, maybe go get ice cream.”
“Nothin’ to talk about,” I muttered, going back to my iPad. “Dante, go. I’m busy. I’ll check my phone, call Ange, and take care of everything. But for now, please, fuck off.”
Dante slammed his hands on the bar in front of me and my head jerked up in surprise. Then he slid the iPad away and grabbed my shirt.
“You fuck off, you smelly fucking asshole,” he shouted in my face.
I was too stunned to do anything but stare at his chubby red face.
Dante had lost his temper. Dante never lost his temper. He was like an overgrown puppy, always happy, with nothing that could put him off.
No, that wasn’t true, I realized. I remembered this one time, when we were kids, and some kids had stolen our ball at a local park. After I went to get it back, while also giving one of them a nice shiner, the prep school punk had kicked me, and called me “a fucking guinea”.
And next thing I knew, Dante was in there, whaling on the kid. Me and Nicky had pulled him off, laughing while Trina screamed at the prep kids to get lost.
I still remembered the way Dante’s eyes had glared after those kids, his cheeks wobbling in outrage, and his nose gushing blood. He must’ve been seven, trying to beat up a fifteen year old. I’d clapped him on the shoulder and told him he did good.
But he’d never lost his shit like that since then. And never with me.
Unnerved, I glanced down at his hand. “Dante, can you let go of my shirt?” His breath coming rapidly, he slowly let me go, then shoved me. I almost fell off the stool and had to grab the bar. “What the fuck is your problem, cousin?”
“You are. You’re acting like a cavone right now, you know that?”
I blew out a breath. “You did not just call me that.”
Dante clenched his fists and stood up. I watched as he paced in front of me, shaking his head, and shooting me hard looks. I could tell he was getting even more pissed.
“You know what, Colt? I’ve always looked up to you. All of us do. You always got everyone’s back. You’re like the best eldest cousin and big brother combo anyone could ask for. You’re like a fuckin’ hero, man. Especially to me. And I’ve always been proud to be the Robin to your Batman, the Tom to your Vito, the Silver to your Lone Ranger, y’know?”
I almost laughed at that. “You mean Tonto? Silver was the horse, ya goofball.” I felt that old, familiar tug of affection. “And you’re not a sidekick, dumbass. You’re one of my best friends.”
But Dante wasn’t having it. He folded his arms and gazed at me seriously. “Cosimo, point is, I was always happy to follow your lead, especially when we were kids ‘cause you were everything I wanted to be. Cool, smooth, confident, handsome. But more than that, you were always yourself, and you always treated people with respect, you know? You love people no matter what. Why do you think a guy like me can hang in this business? Because I learned how to be a man from you.”
Speechless, I stared at him. I never thought Dante gave a second thought to any of that stuff.
He continued, his eyes glinting now. “But you know what, cuz? Right now you’re being a real stunod. You had this beautiful girl. That fuckin’ angel and you just let her walk away. No, actually, I’m pretty sure you burned that fucking bridge down Armageddon style, because Bella was tough. She didn’t take shit, especially from you.” He shook his head. “So, I can only imagine what you must have said to make her walk away.”
Guilt stabbed me and I looked down. “I just told her I knew who she was and she left.”
“Bullshit. Listen, I was ticked off when I found out you were fooling around with a Ruffino, but then I started thinking about it. And I saw the way you looked at her, the way you guys danced, and then how you were at Mama Ange’s birthday. That was no bullshit. You made her happy, she made you happy. And you just destroy that because her father filled her head with lies?”
It was slowly dawning on me that Dante was disappointed in me. That bothered me. Fuck. That really bothered me. And for a long moment we just stared at each other and I thought we almost might come to blows.
Me and Dante. My head spun a little.
Folding my arms, I leaned back, and shook my head. I tried to keep my voice steady, but it wasn’t easy. “She was a Ruffino. She infiltrated our family to take us all down. To take me down. Whose side are you on?”
“I’m on your side,” Dante said, his shoulders falling a little. “Always, cousin. But in this case, being on your side doesn’t mean agreeing with your decisions. You’re wrong about this one. You forget Axe killed her father? And we put her little bro away. Yeah, he’s basically Fredo, but you know how Sicilians do. An eye for an eye. What if she was one of us? You’d expect nothing less. Man, I don’t understand you at all. She did exactly what any of us would’ve done in her shoes, and then when she found out the truth, she was stuck. Not sure how to make it right.”
I had no response for that.
“Listen, man, she talked to Brenna,” Dante said slowly. My entire body went cold. Of all the things I’d been feeling shitty about, letting Emilio’s daughter near Brenna was close to the top of the list. “Brenna knew who she was the second she saw her. And you know why Brenna didn’t tell us? Because she knew better than anyone how fucking twisted the Ruffinos could be. Bella told her everything. Came clean instantly. She was sent overseas all alone as a kid. They kept her in the dark so she’d focus on dancing and to keep her safe from her brother. She’s a prodigy, surprise, right? And I guess that’s what her mom wanted. Brenna said Emilio used to talk about that and how they lied to her all the time. It’s true, cousin. It’s all true.”
“Wait, you two honestly believe that sob story?” I asked, wondering how many more curveballs Dante was about to throw at me. And Bella and Brenna were friends, now? What the fuck?
“I believe Bella.” Dante’s gaze was steady. “I mean, did Toro act up around her? Growling? Like he did with Whitney? You know, the klepto?” Amusement flickered in his eyes.
My jaw clenched. Of all the things to bring up. “No,” I finally said.
In fact, Toro had been creeping around the apartment like a depressed sad
-sack right along with me.
“See, there ya go. Toro always knows. What better judge of character than him?” Dante said confidently.
“He’s a dog, Dante,” I said tiredly, wishing he’d let this go already. “You done?”
“Nope,” Dante snapped. “Not only does Brenna think Bella’s tellin’ the truth, but so does Mama Ange, Axe, Diane, and everyone. Uncle Sal even looked into it. Everything matches up. And not only that, Colt, but once Bella learned the truth about her family, who her father really was, she tried to fix it. But oh no, your delicate ego got bruised because she outsmarted you, and so you said fuck it. Right? Didn’t even give her a chance. I mean, since when is it one strike, and you’re out?”
Christ, I’d never experienced a Dante diatribe and it was as disconcerting as a snow on a summer day. And since when did he call me on my shit so accurately?
I’m pretty sure you burned that fucking bridge down Armageddon style.
I winced as the gut-wrenching guilt and nausea burned through me, as once again I thought back to some of the things I’d said to Bella.
There was nothing there. Not a thing. It was all in your head.
A fine piece of ass, a decent lay, and a pretty easy one at that.
If I loved you, why would your last name matter?
It did matter. It mattered because she was a Ruffino and I was a Capestrana. Capulet and Montague. Coreleone and Tattaglia. Hatfield and McCoy. I didn’t get to break the rules. Not for anything or anyone.
With a sigh, I tried to find the words to explain this to Dante.
“Listen, D, your heart is in the right place, but you’re not thinking straight. Bella was a great actress, she had us all fooled. We can’t trust her, can’t trust a word a rotten Ruffino says. You know that.”
“Bella’s a Ruffino, so what? There’re plenty of decent Ruffinos,” Dante said stubbornly. “Uh, remember Lisa? She was awesome. And Rudy and Nevio are just stupid, not rotten. Plus, it ever occur to you that maybe a marriage could heal some of the wounds between our families?”
“Oh my God, Dante. This isn’t a frigging movie called Pizza My Heart or some shit.” I rubbed my temples. “You’re missing the point. She came here to destroy me. She played me for an absolute fool.” My voice was bitter with dismissal. “You and Brenna are way too forgiving.”
“Ange agrees with us. Axe too. And I’m pretty sure your Pop is going to stop by later to try to knock some sense into you, too. She’s another victim of Emilio Ruffino. Why can’t you see that?” He paused. “You belong together.”
“What, so you all just think love will save the day or something? Che palle.” I rolled my eyes. “Not gonna happen. You can tell everyone to save their breath.”
Dante ran a hand through his hair, clearly done with me. “You know what? You do what you want, Cosimo. You always do. But mark my words, this will be the day you’ll look back on as an old, bitter, and grumpy man, and wish you could go back, and do it differently.”
With that, Dante turned on his heel, and walked away. I watched him go, feeling a tinge of warmth under the mountain of absolute misery I was buried under.
Sitting there, I turned back to the bar, and picked up the Highland again. The bottle was almost empty. Christ, didn’t I just open this a few hours ago? Or was that yesterday?
Looking down, I took a current inventory of my situation. I was unshaven, unclean, depressed out of my mind, missing family events, fucking up work, and getting told off by Dante.
What was wrong with this picture?
Bella’s face appeared in my mind. Her luminous eyes, lighting up with sly mirth, her tangle of red curls, her freckles, and that gorgeous smile. The way she could keep up with me, how she practically loved everything that I did about this crazy world, and how we just fit.
I thought about Emilio and the lies. I thought about how alone Bella must’ve felt in France, so far from her family.
Dante was right. She was a victim of Emilio just like Brenna had been.
And if I let her walk away forever, I would regret it for the rest of my life.
Hell, I already did.
Bella was what was missing from this picture. Life didn’t make sense without her. No wonder I’d spiraled into a hell of my own making.
Climbing out and learning to trust each other again wouldn’t be easy. Then again, neither of us had ever liked easy.
Getting to my feet, a sense of absolute surety came over me.
I was determined to win Bella back. I had to, because my goofy cousin was right.
We belonged together.
Chapter Twenty-One
Bella
Lisa tucked the blankets more firmly around me and smiled.
“You need anything else? Tea? Bourbon? A call to my friend Bear? He was in the SEALS, you know. We could call it a rescue mission.”
Feeling almost drowned in blankets, I shook my head, smiling a little. I’d been at Lisa’s for the past week, letting her fuss over me, and I never wanted to leave this brownstone again. Filled with squashy couches, fluffy rugs, and heaps of houseplants, it was a cross between an Asian inspired greenhouse, and an old lady’s rent controlled apartment. It was exactly what I needed.
Her couch and I had become the best of friends. Even though Lisa’s guest room had a perfectly good bed, I couldn’t sleep. I’d spent most of my time randomly weeping and watching sad movies. Like a masochist, most of them were romance.
On the table in front of me was a bowl of uneaten wonton soup and cardboard boxes full of Chinese food. Lisa wouldn’t take no for an answer on the food thing, but I hadn’t been able to eat.
I hadn’t really slept or ate since it happened.
I still couldn’t get past the look on Colt’s face. His cold, indifferent eyes. His contemptuous smile. His precision with those bitter words. He’d laid open my heart and soul.
But at the same time, I couldn’t blame him. I understood why he hated me. It must have seemed par for the course for a Ruffino. A monster who was no better than could be expected.
I didn’t think I could ever forgive myself for what I put him through. Especially when I thought back to how he’d welcomed me into his family, and everything he’d done for me. Some days I still wondered what was real between us and what wasn’t, and the anger came and went, but the guilt had settled in my gut for the long haul.
As Lisa settled next to me, she pulled out a brush, and got to work untangling the knots from my curls. My heart overflowed with gratitude. I didn’t know what I’d do without her. And I’d told her that so many times, Lisa finally cried, then swatted me, and told me to knock it off. But without her, I may have fallen off the face of the Earth. But with Lisa, her sisters, and her mom, I felt like I still had family. We’d planned an outing next week and it was a bright spot for me to hold on to.
Especially since I was no longer in contact with my brother.
Right after Colt broke it off with me, I’d been filled with disgust and wrath at the Ruffino name. First, I’d barged in on Rudy and Nevio and told them in no uncertain terms to leave me the hell alone for a while. Terrified, they’d agreed.
Then I’d found a bus that would take me upstate to see Justin, as I didn’t think I was in any condition to drive. It'd been a long, painful two hours.
But even more painful was that final meeting with my brother.
One of the guards had taken me aside and said another charge had come through. It was something the Feds had been trying to pin on Justin for a long time. Apparently one of our distant cousins had snitched to get their sentence lessened. Justin would be locked up decades.
What fine stock I came from.
Shaking with pain over that, the break-up, and everything I now knew, I felt like a Fury of mythology when I’d confronted him. I’m surprised my hair didn’t burst into flames. It’d felt good to tell him off for trying to molest Steffie. To call him out on his sins and bullshit. Let him know that I was done being used.
But Justin,
or what was left of him, that shell, merely rolled his eyes. Told me kids would be kids. It was all exaggeration. For some reason, I heard the echo of our father’s voice when he spoke, and it’d chilled me to the bone. Sitting there, seeing the emptiness in him, I wondered how I’d allowed myself to not see his brutality and weakness sooner.
But I guessed I wanted a family that badly.
When I’d finally gotten through to him that I was done, he’d become vicious. I winced as I recalled the few choice names he’d thrown at me, the kindest being “slut”. Then he’d tried to bait me into changing my mind by groveling, talking nonsense about our father and the Capestranas.
It’d hurt, but there was no going back. So, I’d bid him a gentle goodbye, knowing I’d never see him again.
I’d never cried so much in my life as I had during this past week.
Lisa picked up on my dark thoughts and she began kneading my shoulders. Then her gentle hands separated my hair into low pigtails. Taking comfort in her presence, I let my eyes blur as we watched The Way We Were.
The movie ended, and I curled up on the couch, too tired to start another. Next thing I knew, Lisa was shaking me awake, fresh from the shower.
“Bebe, why don’t you come with me to the grocery store, at least? Get some air? You haven’t left the house in days. And you don’t have to go on all my errands,” Lisa said, gazing at me in concern.
I shook my head. I knew I couldn’t keep it together long enough to manage even going to Whole Foods. “You go ahead without me.” I sat up and touched my hair. “Thanks for the pigtails. Just like when we were little girls.” My smile trembled but I forced myself to keep it in place.
“Of course.” Lisa hugged me tightly. “I’m here for you. As long as you need me, okay?” She let me go and looked at me. “Listen, one day, time will have healed this wound. So, hang in there, Bella Ruffino. You’re a warrior. A Staten Island Italian. And a goddamn French ballerina.”
I nodded, even as my smile started to hurt my cheeks. It was strange. It was like I wasn’t used to that expression anymore.
Better to Eat You Page 56