How to Be Black

by Baratunde Thurston

  Vice Chair for Committee Diversity: Jennifer Claymore, HR Director

  As the diversity committee’s vice chair for diversity, Jen’s role is to ensure diversity on the diversity committee. She assesses the committee’s diversity on a quarterly basis using a diverse set of criteria. Jen loves world music.

  Vice Chair for Diversity Outreach: Elaine Chu, Diversity Officer

  Elaine joined Optimus Research Group because she has a passion for research matched only by her passion for diversity. With a Doctorate in Diversity Arts from Diversity University, Elaine brings a sophisticated and forward-thinking perspective on diversity matters. Elaine Chu is Asian.

  Vice Chair for Diversity Task Force Creation: Doug Robinson, Senior Associate

  Doug is responsible for the formation and organization of the committee’s task forces in a manner consistent with the company’s core value of diversity. Task forces Doug is most proud of include the Cinco de Mayo Task Force, the Remembering the Dream Task Force, and the Task Force Realignment Task Force. Doug is a big fan of The Wire.

  Vice Chair for Applied Diversity: [Your Name Here], Research Associate

  If your company does not have a diversity committee, congratulations, you are the diversity committee! Beyond your diversity committee membership, you must be active in at least two additional company activities to meet your Job #2 responsibility to protect the company against charges of racism:

  The company photo

  You will be very visible in the company photo, also the website and any other marketing materials. There’s no way to avoid it. The photo will only be scheduled when you are in the office, so don’t try pretending to be sick. They’ll wait for you. And certainly don’t think about hiding out in the background. Your face has to be clearly visible. There’s even a chance you will be captured in these images if you don’t work for the company. You might have gotten off the elevator at the wrong floor and wandered around only to discover later that you are the face of Optimus Research Group. Check the website to be sure this is not the case.

  Recruiting

  You are going to the career fair. All career fairs. This is nonnegotiable. You exist as physical proof to prospective employees that the company is actually diverse, and you will have to interact with job-seekers so they can see that you are real and not simply an advanced animatronic mannequin. But, if you come across a smart-mouthed kid who insists he’s not interested because Optimus does work for the Defense Department, and “he doesn’t want to kill people,” don’t bother trying to convince him otherwise. Even bringing over a higher-ranking white colleague won’t do the trick. Just move on.

  Office Socializing

  You’ve repped your race. You’ve made the company look diverse. You’re not finished with Job #2 yet. Fulfilling Part C (increase the coolness of the office environment by enthusiastically participating in company events) may prove to be the most emotionally and physically exhausting. Many people in The Black Employee role like to pretend there is no Part C and attempt to live two completely separate lives. This may describe you. You figure you can be one person at the office during the day and return to a more comfortable environment where you can be a different person at night, shunning all opportunities to socialize with your coworkers. Certainly it is understandable, especially if you are actively engaged in Blackness Parts A and B, that you would feel that you’ve done enough. You haven’t.

  Daytime activities

  This is relatively easy. There will be office birthday parties, celebrations of promotions, and modest gatherings to cheer the achievement of big business milestones. Your job is just to be there. For extra points, smile and look like you’re enjoying yourself. Maybe even crack a joke! Your comfort is in the back of nearly everyone’s mind, so if you can put them at ease by acting like you really want to be there, you’ll be doing an excellent job of being The Black Employee.

  After-hours socializing

  Depending on your own background and life experiences, this may or may not be new to you, but after an eight-to-twelve-hour day, white office workers often don’t feel like they’ve spent enough time with each other. Therefore, they are prone to organizing pseudo-official company activities such as bowling or happy hour. If you are invited, you should make the occasional effort to go. Continually declining this invitation will slowly lead to your being cut off from all advancement opportunities. Whereas, if you say yes, you will make your coworkers so happy! You will also get valuable inside dirt on company politics, business affairs, and general gossip. It may feel petty, but your prospects in Job #1 (remember, that research associate position you love so much?) can be heavily influenced by your performance in Job #2, often in subtle ways. What I’m saying is, go out drinking with your coworkers from time to time. Your job doesn’t stop when you leave the building.

  The company holiday party

  This is not as simple as the prior activities. In fact, I want you to pause right now. Take a deep breath. Stand up. Stretch a little. Maybe walk around the room you’re in and focus your eyes on something in the distance before resuming this lesson. The company holiday party is no joke, and much will be expected of you. If you don’t bring your A-game, all that you’ve gained from faithful execution of the advice mentioned could be placed in serious jeopardy.

  A company holiday party is a perfect storm of factors that include the presence of:

  • Non-employees, including spouses, significant others, and dates

  • Food and beverage, especially alcohol

  • Possible music and dancing

  Each of these provides an opportunity for you to fly or fumble, so you must approach the night with your eyes wide-open.

  Your date

  The first thing you must consider is whom to bring with you. You know your coworkers better than your prospective date. How will your date interact with them? Will he or she fit in, get by, or actually cause some sort of ruckus? Does he or she work in a similar environment and thus have the experience and wisdom to deal with what nightmares may come? It’s better to attend alone than bring someone wholly unprepared, who might, for example, mouth off to your boss about how you “really” feel about the company or let slip your plans to leave for another company. That said, having an ally present who fully understands you can be a great asset, so my advice is bring someone if you have someone to bring, but give this person a comprehensive briefing before you throw him or her into a potential combat situation.

  Your food

  Often these events are catered, and if you’re in the job long enough you will face a food choice dreaded by black people since breaking the Corporate America color line: whether or not to eat the watermelon. First of all, don’t panic. I know what it’s like. You’re not alone. Many more like you have survived this situation, so have faith in yourself and your people. Now, take a closer look. Is it the only fruit? Is it arranged on its own plate adjacent to other segregated fruits? Is it mixed in with a fruit salad? Again, take a brief moment. Smile at the person across from you in the buffet line. We’re going to get through this together.

  The most important thing in this situation is not to draw attention to yourself. Don’t deliberate too long. It is worse to make no choice than to linger too long on what choice to make. If people notice you thinking about it, they’ll put two and two together. They’ll assume you’re stuck because you can’t decide if you should just devour all available watermelon right there from the line. So, yes, remain calm, but also just do something. If watermelon is the only fruit, you are in the clear, and the gods are with you. No one can read into your choice if you never really had a choice. Enjoy it, and congratulations! Watermelon is delicious.

  If there are segregated plates of fruit, I suggest a four-to-one ratio of non-watermelon to watermelon. Look, they know you want it. You know you want it. So if you conspicuously avoid it, that’s an admission right there: guilt by omission. In the case of a mixed-fruit bowl, you will have to be comfortable with the unknown. In this c
ase, leave it to fate. If you dip that oversize spoon into the bowl, and it comes back full of nothing but watermelon, so be it. Start singing the theme song to Good Times, and just roll with the absurdity of the moment. In this unlikely event, I recommend you joke about it with other employees, because if you don’t, they’ll assume you have some magical powers of watermelon magnetism, and that’s not an idea we want out in the world.*

  Your drinking

  There may be a relatively open bar situation at this party. Even more than the watermelon threat, in this arena, you Must. Be. Extremely. Careful. Unlike after-work drinks with colleagues, the company holiday party lasts longer, and people get looser. Also, everyone will be there. Marriages have ended because someone drank too much and said the wrong thing or grabbed the wrong part of the wrong person at the company holiday party. You cannot afford this. You are a rare representative of your kind. Think about your people!

  While everyone around you may decide to let it all hang out, you have a responsibility to maintain a bit more control. Don’t drink too much. Don’t end up alone with someone else’s date. And when anyone at all asks you how you like working at the company, you tell that person you fucking love it here and can’t imagine working with a better group of people.

  Your dancing

  If there’s music and at least a four-square-foot area of floor, people are going to dance, and they are going to expect you to join them. That’s the way it is. Most Americans have grown up on a steady media diet of well-choreographed dancing by black people. You have big, custom-made, Hollywood-backed shoes to fill.

  If you are not a good dancer, that’s fine. It really is. Just make sure to compensate by keeping a drink in your hand and being extra-talkative. Not every black person can dance or enjoys the act. President Obama can’t dance. We all saw him on The Ellen DeGeneres Show, and we got over it. Your coworkers will get over it, too.

  The greater peril exists for those who actually can dance.* Proceed with extreme caution.

  If you are a good dancer and actually enjoy it, you should ease into the act. Hang out on the edge of the dance floor and two-step to the beat. Then walk away. A few songs later, come back and do the same, maybe adding a little something extra but always making sure to include your coworkers in your moves. For some of you this will be difficult, because you’re so naturally good, and dancing brings such joy, but you must fight the instinct to go rogue and launch into a Soul Train Moment.*

  Once you go down the path of the Soul Train Moment, there is no return. Your coworkers are biologically programmed to form a circle around you, start clapping and chanting your name. At first, you think, “This is great! I’m amazing! I’m the best dancer in the world!” After three songs, however, you start to feel a little tired and a bit thirsty. You slow down, and start looking for a crack in the circle so you can return to your table and grab some water. You realize you can’t see your date. You just want to go, but you can’t. Because now you’ve excited the mob, and they keep chanting, “Go [Your Name]! Go [Your Name]!” and they make sure the DJ keeps it on hip-hop ’cause that’s what you like, and when you try to push your way out of the circle, your cubicle mate exclaims, “Whoa! I had no idea you were such a great dancer! You’re like the best dancer ever!” and then he pretends to keep up with you for a while, puts his arm around your shoulders, and whispers in your ear, “If you ever want to see your date again, you’ll keep dancing.”

  Now you’re scared, so you dance harder, and you give in to the moment, and you think, “This can’t get any worse and eventually these people will get tired, and I’ll rescue my date, and we’ll leave.” But before that can happen, something worse happens. There’s another black person at the party. You don’t know who he is or where he came from. He could be somebody’s boyfriend. He could be the bartender. He could be some brother off the street that your coworkers paid to come in at this very moment. None of this matters. What matters is that he has found his way into your dance circle, and he’s challenging you!

  Instinct takes over, and you square off. Pretty soon the two of you are engaged in an epic dance battle. You’re literally putting on a show at this point, and it covers the entire history of modern black dance. You jump between Lindy Hop, Cabbage Patch, Running Man, Samba, the Harlem Shuffle, the Robot, Beyoncé’s Single Ladies dance, the Percolator, the Diddy Bop (which you hate!), the Moonwalk, Some New Thing You Two Just Made Up, and you’re actually teaching people how to Dougie! You are determined to defeat this Random Brother and prove that “These are my white people!”*

  Eventually, Random Brother stands down. Meanwhile, your white people hoist you up on their shoulders, outdoing each other with praise for your astounding talent, satisfied that they know the Best Black Person Ever. You find your date and head home, exhausted and relieved that the ordeal is over.

  But it isn’t. Because now they know your secret, and they can never ever let you rest. You are destined to top your dance performance at every company holiday party for as long as you work at this company.

  Congratulations, and I’m sorry. You are The Black Employee.

  How to Be The Angry Negro

  I’m a really nice guy. I like to smile. I have a naturally diplomatic disposition, and I’d generally rather reason with you and use humor than argue or fight. But there are times when my mother’s take-no-bullshit attitude emerges, and I invite confrontation and put my anger as a black person on full display. In high school, when I worked as an aide at the Washington Post, I would wear provocative T-shirts with messages like DANGER! EDUCATED BLACK MAN. I wanted people to ask me, “What’s so dangerous about an educated black man?” just so I could respond, “Because he’ll realize how unjust this country is and want to change it!” at which point the questioner would flee, or so I fantasized. When my school principal openly supported what I considered to be racially driven and unjust decision to cancel the Black Student Union dance, I had a one-on-one meeting with him, lost my cool, stormed out of the room, slammed the door, and screamed, “This school is so racist!” Then I ran some laps to try to chill out. So many of my experiences have been about the transition into the mainstream and how to balance blackness within a larger context, but this isn’t always possible. Given how much we’ve shared together so far, I think you’re ready to meet The Angry Negro.

  Sometimes in America being black demands that one get angry. Much of that rage is anchored in history. There are obvious factors at play: slavery, for example. The treatment of black folks as property seems to have had an effect on our position and prospects here. The subsequent state-sponsored or -supported discrimination and terrorism—I’m thinking environmental racism, police brutality, lynchings, separate and unequal schooling, neighborhood redlining, et cetera—have also cast a long shadow over the current black experience in the United States.

  One in fifteen black male adults is behind bars (compared to one in a hundred U.S. adults overall);* black household wealth averages just one-twentieth that of whites,* having fallen precipitously after the housing crisis; black people in Texas have a habit of finding themselves under the wheels of trucks driven by racists; and then there’s BET. There is no shortage of issues for which a black person in America can justifiably get mad. The Angry Negro is the personification of that Black Rage.

  As The Angry Negro, you are committing yourself to a life of hate. You are agreeing to be always disagreeable. You are shameless. You are unforgiving. You only see the world through race-tinted glasses. You are, basically, an asshole. That’s what embodying the collective ills of a people can do to you.

  You don’t make excuses for offhand, offensive comments.

  You don’t seek to understand “the other side.” You see everything in terms of our side versus the side that enslaved, ridiculed, wrongfully imprisoned, and impoverished your people. You already know everything you need to know about how the other side thinks. You wear the scars of its philosophy.

  You are compelled to say what others won’t. Th
ey remain quiet, not because they doubt the truth of their perceptions but because they lack the courage to risk being ostracized and being labeled “The Angry Negro.” You have no such hesitation. You relish being so labeled. Rage is your cape. Self-confidence is your mask. Truth is your sword.

  If the above sounds appealing to you or just sounds like something you’d like to try out for a while, check out the excerpt below from the Operating Manual for The Angry Negro Persona.

  Preface your answer to all questions with “as a black man” or “as a black woman,” depending on your gender.

  Q: Do you approve of the job President Obama is doing?

  A: As a black woman, I resent the assumption you’ve made that I have an opinion on the matter. What, just because I’m black, I need to have some kind of position on the black president? How did you feel about that last white president? I’m tired of being profiled like this. You are violating my civil rights, and I will not stand for it! My people did not build this country just so you could ask me about the black president!

  Q: Did you see the news report last night about that apartment fire?

  A: As a black man, I understand all too well the struggles of the dispossessed and the conflagration of injustice leading to such a state. This world is a farce.

  Q: Would you like paper or plastic?

  A: As a black woman, I choose paper. Its brownness reminds me of my people. The tree that died so it might hold these heavy groceries is a metaphor for the sufferance of my people, who, for too long, have carried the burden of America’s original sin. Its roots run as deep as the blood of my people beneath this so-called nation. [Liberal usage of “so-called” is highly encouraged.]