"Because Derek will kill him. I know he has never hurt you physically,” she stated with just a hint of skepticism in her tone, “but I remember him in high school. Fighting was his pastime. He might think twice about raising a hand to you but he wouldn’t blink an eye before he kicked Landon’s ass. I thought this was just a workplace distraction Belle. I thought he was just a little nice scenery you brought in here, to keep us both occupied during the day."
"I hired him because I couldn't depend on you!"
"That's what you said. That's what you keep trying to convince yourself. But it wasn't the real reason, was it?"
"What is the real reason, Hannah? You seem to have all the answers. Why don't you tell me?"
"I don't know exactly why you hired him, but from the moment that boy walked through the door, you’ve been a entirely different person. You’re looking better, standing up for yourself, not defending Derek so much. I thought he was good for you."
"But?"
"Did you really sleep with him?"
I looked at her and hot tears spilled down my cheeks.
"Shit, Belle. You slept with him?"
I nodded.
"Do you love him?"
I paused for just a brief second and nodded again.
"And he loves you? Never mind...of course he loves you," Hannah said, rubbing her eyes. "He wouldn't give up a job in Chicago to be with you if he didn't love you. Jesus Christ, Belle. This is much more complicated than I realized."
"You think?" I asked her, sarcastically, reached for a Kleenex on the credenza, to wipe my tears away and blow my nose.
"Let's see…” Hannah held up her hand and ticked the items off with her fingers. “You love Landon and he loves you. But you are married to Derek the dick, who is going to kill Landon but who also, ironically, and I say that in the most awful sense of the word, already killed most of Landon's family."
"That sums it up quite nicely, Hannah. Thank you so much."
"Don't get snippy with me, little lady. I didn't have any idea that while I was out here giving palm readings that you were doing the boy toy in the back room!"
"Fuck you, Hannah!"
"No, that's Landon, remember?"
"Are you going to help me or just make lewd remarks for your own amusement?"
"Fine. First things first, why on earth didn't you say anything?"
"Like you would have listened?"
"Maybe...maybe not." Hannah shrugged. "But you didn't even try."
"I know. Maybe I didn't want you to try and talk me out of it."
"Listen, sweetie." She reached up, wiped one rogue tear off my cheek, and then placed her hands on my shoulders. "If you genuinely do love him, you’ll let him go. You have no other choice. You can't let him give up his future for you. You of all people should understand what that's like."
"But—"
"But what?" she interrupted me. "What about Derek? He’s your husband...like it or not. Face it; you have nothing to offer Landon. You are married."
"I know I'm married, Hannah!” I stepped away from her, emotion clouding my voice. "I know, okay? Are you satisfied?"
"Are you planning to divorce Derek and run away with Landon? Go with him to Chicago?"
"No. I don't know. I hadn't gotten that far."
"Derek won't let you get that far either. You’ve told me before, he’d never let you leave him, which scared me at the time, but in light of this conversation now terrifies the piss out of me. The only way you can keep Landon safe is to let him get as far away from here as possible. And if he won't leave willingly, you have to make him go."
I took a second to consider what Hannah had just said. "I know. You're right, Hannah.” I ran my hands over my face. Tension and frustration coursed through me. “Why couldn't you have been helpful earlier in this situation? You’re a little bit late."
"Better late than never, Hell’s Bells, and I don't think I'm too late. From my perspective, I got here just in the nick of time."
Her heart was in the right place. Deep down I knew that she was just trying to help.
I didn't want to let Landon go. It would be the hardest thing I had ever done in my entire life. The pain over what was to come threatened to swallow me whole. The anger at the cruelty of life enveloped me. I had allowed myself to dream…to hope. Just as I had feared, my dream was going to crumble.
Who the hell did Hannah think she was anyway? If she had been in the situation, she would have fucked Landon and not given him a second thought. Had she ever really been in love? No!
"You know Hannah. You really are a big, fat hypocrite, you know that?" I gripped the counter so tightly that my knuckles turned white. If I didn't hold onto something, I feared my hands my wrap around my sister's neck.
"What on earth are you talking about now?"
"If I love Landon, I should do what's best for him?" I mimicked her high-pitched voice.
"Yes, that's exactly what you should do."
"I should put his needs — his happiness — above my own?"
"Yes."
"What about you? You're entire fucking life you’ve been stepping all over everyone else, just so that you could do what you wanted, what made you happy. Who the hell are you to offer me any kind of advice on doing what’s best for someone else?"
"Because you're not like me, baby Belle. You always do the right thing."
"What if I don't want to do the right thing? What if, for once, I want to make myself happy?"
"But how long will you be happy? Knowing you kept Landon here, kept him from following his dreams? That is if he even lives to see twenty-six if he stays in Cannon Beach!"
I was dumbstruck. If I kept Landon here, he would end up like me. He would have given up his dreams for me. As much as I wanted to protest, she was right. If nothing else, I realized that Derek would kill one or both of us before he ever lets us be together.
"I'm just trying to help," she added. Why did she keep saying that? Who was she trying to convince? Me? Or herself?
“Yeah, you always want to help…” I snapped at her, “that is until the fucking wind changes direction…”
Chapter Seventeen
After Hannah stormed out, I regretted what I had said to her almost immediately.
What on earth was happening to me?
I was tearing everything apart. I had destroyed my relationship with my sister in a matter of minutes and betrayed Derek in a matter of days. I thought of how he would react if he ever learned about Landon — who he truly was. That might actually be enough to destroy Derek once and for all.
And what about Landon? I slapped him! Me. The person who’d been slapped, kicked, punched, and beaten within an inch of her life. I put my hands on another human being. It was unforgivable.
I needed help. I needed to talk to my mom. I locked up the store and headed to the beach, walking like a zombie, right down to the water until the waves rolled up to the toes of my shoes. Looking out over the horizon, there was nothing but white foam and waves as far as the eye could see. The smell of brine coming off the waves hung in the air and I dragged in breath after breath, trying to cleanse myself.
Trying to breathe in my mother.
There was a smattering of people around me but no one close enough to hear my tears, especially over the roar of the ocean.
"Mama," I cried and sank to my knees in the wet sand, plunging my hands in up to my wrists. The frigid water turned my knuckles a bright pink, but I didn't care. The discomfort from the cold water was nothing compared to what was going on inside of my heart.
"Mama, I don't know what to do. I need you to tell me what to do." Somewhere in all the billions of grains of sand on this beach, was my mother. I could feel her with me. "I love him so much, Mama," I sobbed. "But I can't let him give up everything for me. I can't put him in danger. How am I ever supposed to let him go?"
I closed my eyes, the mist sprayed against my face, and for just a moment, I thought I heard my mother's voice.
My darling daughter, you
have to let them both go. Landon needs to find his own path. He can't be stuck on yours, not as you were stuck on mine.
"Mama, I never got stuck...I wanted to be with you."
I know, sweetheart, but it's been long enough. I’m gone. You can go now.
"What should I do?"
You need to leave Derek. He’s done nothing but hurt you. He doesn't deserve you.
"But how?" I begged her.
You know how. The answer’s been there all along. You need to leave Cannon Beach, sweetie.
"What about the store? Your store?"
Let it go, Belle. I’ll always be with you, no matter where you are. You have to stop hiding.
"What about Landon? I don't know if I can let him go."
You will find your way back to each other, when the time is right, if it’s right.
"Mama, I don't know if I can."
Sweetie, you must. Be strong and know that your father and I love you more than life.
"Mama," I yelled. "Mama, don't leave me. Please!" But she was already gone. There was nothing but the shushing of waves over sand. I hung my head and cried.
"Hey lady, are you okay?"
A young boy, holding the end of a kite, was looking at me as though I was some creature that crept up out of the ocean. I wiped the tears from my face, tucked my messy hair behind my ears, and did my best to smile.
"Sure, kid. I'm great."
"Good. My dad’s teaching me how to fly a kite."
"Really? That's cool." I looked up the beach and saw a young man holding a stick wrapped with string, and I gave him a quick wave. "Have fun, kid." I called as he scurried back to his father. I put my hands on my legs, pushed myself up, and turned around to find Landon standing about twenty feet behind me.
Why did my heart always flip-flop in my chest every time I saw him?
It was too soon. I wasn't ready to let him go yet. Why couldn't I have just a few more minutes or hours to believe he was still mine? It would be easier for me to hold off the next wave headed for the beach than the hold off letting him go any longer.
Landon stood there, his head hanging down, as though he expected me to scold him for something he didn't know he'd done wrong. He was absolutely beautiful and, for just a brief moment, I considered asking him to run away with me where no one would find us.
I thought of my mother's words, "You will find your way back to each other, when the time is right…."
Then I thought of Hannah's advice, "You have to make him go."
It was time for me to end things.
I walked over to him.
"Hi," he said quietly.
"Hi."
"Are you okay?" He was concerned about me…always concerned about me.
I almost nodded but paused and then shook my head instead.
"What's wrong, Belle?” He lifted the baseball hat off his head and raked his hand through the mess of curls. “What did I do?"
"Landon, we can't see each other anymore."
He looked at me in disbelief. "Why not?"
"I never meant to let it go this far."
"But you said you loved me. You said…"
"I know. I know I did and that was a mistake."
"Where’s this coming from? After last night, I thought…"
"You thought what, Landon?" I interrupted him. Last night was incredible — magical — but it didn't change things. It only made matters worse, because I knew what it could have been like...what it should have been like. "Did you think that we were going to live happily ever after?"
"Maybe," he said softly, defiantly. "What's wrong with wanting to be happy, Belle?"
"Because it was never going to happen for us! It was always going to end."
"I don't get it."
I was trying to let Landon down gently but he wasn't making it easy on me. I thought about changing my mind half a dozen times. I didn't want to be mean to him. I loved him. I would love him for the rest of my life, but I had to find a way to make him understand we could no longer be together even if he could never truly know why.
He kept saying that he didn't understand.
Well, that made two of us.
I didn't understand how fate could bring us together only to tear us apart weeks later. It was time for me to kick it up a notch, hoping he might finally get the hint.
"Of course you wouldn't understand, Landon. You’re just a child."
"You keep saying that. What does my age have to do with any of this?"
"It has everything to do with it!"
"How so?"
"Well for starters, the fact that you wear that stupid baseball cap backwards every single day, and you wear flip-flops with jeans! Who does that? It drives me insane and it makes you look like a bum."
"So, let me get this straight. You don't like the way I dress? That's why you don't want to be with me anymore? Did I miss something?"
You missed your father coming to the store. You missed the part where my husband killed your mom and sisters. You missed everything. I thought, but I didn’t say a word.
"Belle, this doesn't make any kind of sense."
I let out a huge sigh of frustration. "It makes perfect sense."
"Tell me how. In what universe does your breaking up with me, over flips flops I might add, make any sense at all? Especially when I know perfectly well that you’re still in love with me."
"Because, Landon. In my universe, you have nothing to offer me. You have absolutely no idea what you want to do with your life. Who wants a guy that has absolutely no idea what he wants?"
"I know that I want to be with you. We can figure everything else out later."
"Landon, don't. Don't do that."
“Don’t, what?”
“Get all romantic and pretend like nothing else matters!”
"Why not?" He took a step toward me and tucked a stray hair, caught by the wind, behind my ear. I leaned into his touch for just a moment, unable to stop myself. "Tell me that you don't want to be with me."
"Please don't make this any more difficult than it has to be."
"It doesn’t have to be difficult at all. Tell me, Belle. Tell me that I mean nothing to you and I'll walk away."
I couldn’t find the words to deny how I felt.
"That's what I thought," he said.
"But none of that makes any difference, Landon."
"Why not? How does loving each other not make a difference?"
"Because none of it changes the fact that we can't be together. We can't be together! That’s all."
"You still haven't given me a reason." He stood so close that I could feel the heat from his body. It would be so easy to reach out and touch him, but I didn't. If I did, I would never let him go.
"I know about Chicago," I finally said.
"What? How do you know about Chicago?"
I made something up quick. He couldn’t know that I saw his father. "They called the store...your dad must have given them the number. Why didn't you take the job?"
"Because I want to be with you."
"And do what? Work part-time at the store as my employee?"
"I can find something else. If it means we can be together, I’ll do that."
"And give up your dream...to be with me?"
"Is that what this is about?" he asked. "You’re afraid I'm going to give up on my dreams? Like you did."
I looked away.
"I'm not giving up on my dreams, Belle. You’re my dream come true."
"Stop!" I yelled at him. "Landon, I want you to go to Chicago. I want you to take that job. I don't want to be with you."
"You don't mean that."
"Don't! Don't you decide what I mean! You’re just a child. I need a man."
He pulled back, as if I had slapped him. "You mean like Derek?"
"He is my husband, Landon, I know you like to pretend he doesn't exist or matter, but it’s still true.”
"He beats you, Belle. He...beats...you.” Landon grabbed me by the shoulders. “So,
what you’re saying is that if I beat you, it will make me a real man in your eyes?"
"No!” I pulled out of his grasp. “Don't be ridiculous, Landon. You like to think that because he hits me, it excuses what you and I did. There’s no excuse for this. Derek may have broken his vows but so have I. I’m no better than he is."
"Yes, you are, Belle. You are so much better than he is. You are everything." He reached for me again, but I jumped back.
"I’m not, Landon."
"But what about us? What about last night?"
"What about last night, Landon? It was just some seriously great sex but that doesn't matter anymore. Because I'm ending this, before anyone gets hurt."
"Because of Derek?"
"Maybe."
"Leave him...be with me."
"Listen, cupcake," I started as sarcastically as I possibly could. "You’ve been a nice distraction from my life. I'll admit that I liked watching your cute little ass walk around the bookstore for the past month, but quite frankly, I'm bored now." The words cut through me like a knife. I knew how badly they would hurt him too and I’d made a promise that I would never do that. Yet, here I was ….
"You don't mean that," he whispered, obviously upset.
"You have no career and no direction.” I motioned at him with my hands, flailing in all directions as the hysteria consumed me. “You’re going nowhere fast. The sex was great but other than that, there’s nothing here for me."
"But I love you."
I laughed. It was the worst sound I ever heard come from my mouth. "You love me? Someday you will realize that love isn't enough. Someday, you’ll thank me. Until then? Grow up, Landon."
"So, it's over. That's that?"
"It is what it is, Landon."
"I don't accept that."
"You don't have a choice…" I felt strangled by everything I wanted to say. Everything I should have said. I wanted to tell him how I didn't know how I was going to bear one day without him, let alone one minute. I was desperate to tell him what was truly in my heart, that I didn’t think I could live without him. Everyone’s words of warning came back to me — this was something I had to do. For Landon. Because I loved him, I had to let him go. I had to make him go. "…Because I don't care about you anymore."
"So, you’re telling me… that in the last two hours… you fell out of love with me?"
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