"I don't think I was actually ever in love with you. I think I was just confused."
He tried to take another step toward me but I held up my hands to stop him and shook my head. There was a pain in his eyes that I had only seen once before. My heart shattered into a million pieces.
"Okay, if that's it, then that's it," he said.
I struggled to find my voice. "Take the job in Chicago, Landon," I rasped.
"That's really what you want?"
"Yes, that's really what I want."
"Okay." He turned to walk away from me. His shoulders sagged, as though he had just waged the war of his life…and lost.
Before he got out of earshot, I called after him, "Landon?"
"Yes?" He turned around, too hopeful.
"I'm afraid I'm going to have to let you go."
He blinked, nodded, and then turned away, head hung in defeat.
Once he was gone, I collapsed in the sand — in tears and heartbroken. I wanted to run after him, throw my arms around his neck, and tell him that it was all a terrible mistake.
Landon never looked back.
Chapter Eighteen
It took me almost two weeks to pull myself together.
Each day, dragging myself out of bed was just a little bit easier. I went through the motions of opening the store and got through my day. And each day took me one day farther from the last time I’d seen Landon. The image of his face already had begun to lessen, as did the pain in my chest every time I thought of him.
I kept so busy, that I really didn't have time to think of anything, let alone Landon. My primary mission every day was to exhaust myself, so that at some point, my body would give out and take me into the blackness of sleep where nothing existed. I wanted to race past the flimsy edges of sleep, the place where dreams existed. I longed for the deep unconscious peace of true sleep, where there was no pain, no heartbreak, no wanting something I couldn't have. Every night, as I collapsed into my bed, I told myself that I would not cry myself to sleep. Yet, every time, that’s what I did.
Every night the dreams were the same, too.
I saw Landon...so beautiful, standing just out of my reach. My mother, my sister, and Derek. Four crosses on the side of the road. A little boy crying for his mother. The look on Landon's face when he told me about the accident.
I would wake up screaming and covered in sweat, tangled up in the sheets of my bed.
On the morning of Derek's return, twelve days after Joseph Peterson came to the store and insisted I end things with Landon, I woke up knowing that, on this day, I would begin a new life. The wheels were in motion and when I left the house I shared with Derek that morning, it was for the last time. There was no turning back.
I was finally going to be at peace.
My first stop was the beach. I needed to talk to my mom again. I needed to tell her what I’d done and what I decided. It had been almost a week since my breakdown. When she came to me and gave me the advice that I needed. Even though I didn't believe in visions, and all the psychic mumbo-jumbo that Hannah did, I still knew that my conversation with my mother that day was more than a figment of my own imagination.
I needed to see her again.
I took off my shoes; my feet sank into the cool sand and I found my way to the water's edge, looking out over the waves.
There, staring into the sea, I began to talk to her.
"I am going to take your advice, Mama," I said, my eyes stinging from the wind and emotion that filled me.
I told my mom everything, all of my plans, as though she was standing right there next to me. When everything was said, I looked out one last time and swore I saw my mom standing about ten feet out in the water, smiling at me, her face beaming with pride.
Mama? My heart swelled, and I smiled back.
I love you, Belle, and I will be with you no matter where you are.
"I love you, Mom," I whispered and then turned and walked back to my car.
One down...two to go. Next stop; Turning Point.
I walked into the store, opened the blinds, flipped the ‘Open’ sign, and turned on my computer. When I opened my email, I quickly scanned the list of new messages for anything important. Junk mail...spam...online order...and then, at the very bottom of the list, I saw an email from Landon.
Other than finding his key, slid under the door well over a week ago, I hadn’t heard from him. I hesitated, for just a moment, before I clicked on it. It had been almost two weeks. I was twelve days stronger. I could do this.
Belle -
I don't know why I am writing this other than to say I am scared that I lost the only thing that ever really mattered to me. I miss you. I still love you.
L-.
I was wrong. I wasn’t stronger at all, and as it turned out, I had more tears too. A lot more. I let them come, knowing after so many days that I had absolutely no control over my emotions. I could no longer make out any of the words on the screen, so I grabbed for the tissues behind me, wondering if I would ever truly run out of tears. I hoped if it was at all a possibility, that it would be soon.
I read his email again...and again. As I read it for the tenth time, I knew that what I wanted and what I needed to do were at odds. Not much had changed in six days, after all.
If I were younger, less attached, Landon and I would have already run away together and would be on some beach somewhere in southern California, living off his wages from working down at the dock and my tips from waitressing at some diner. Isn't that how all the cheesy eighties songs went? I wasn't in high school. It had been over twenty years since I could claim adolescent stupidity as a reason for my mistakes but that didn't stop me from wanting.
I wanted to write back and tell him everything — everything that mattered — that I loved him and I was so sorry for hurting him.
But now wasn’t the right time. Someday, maybe…
Therefore, I held on to my mother’s promise that I was doing the right thing and if it were meant to be, it would all be okay. I held onto it like a life preserver, the only thing keeping my head above the water for the past six days.
I read Landon’s email one last time, drew in a deep breath and…
Landon,
You have lost nothing. I was never yours to lose.
Belle
I hit the send button, wiped the tears from my face, and glanced at the clock: lunchtime. There was somewhere I needed to go — I’d been putting it off for almost two weeks too long already. I grabbed my keys, locked up the store, and turned to walk up the street.
It only took me five minutes on foot to arrive at her front door. I usually didn't knock; most of the time, I simply walked right in the house. Today, I wasn't sure if I was welcome and so I rapped on the white door as I contemplated the yin-yang and wondered if my rights could balance all my wrongs. If I could ever be forgiven. If I could ever forgive myself.
After a few moments, I heard steps coming toward the door. It swung open and there stood Hannah, in yoga pants, a tank top that was much too small, and her hair pulled into a ponytail on the top of her head. She was always beautiful, no matter what.
"What do you want?" she asked gruffly.
I deserved her attitude, but I couldn't let it scare me. "Can I come in?"
"Whatever." She shrugged with a huff and moved out of my way.
I stepped across the threshold, followed her through the house and into her bright, sunny kitchen. The small, circular table next to me was covered a foot high with newspapers and half-empty teacups. The two mismatched chairs were also covered, making it impossible for me to sit, so I stood and gripped the back of one of the chairs for support.
"Hannah, I'm sorry," I began my well-rehearsed apology. "I was upset over Landon, and I took that out on you."
"Ya think?"
"Yes. I know I did. I'm really sorry." Hannah didn't budge so I continued, "It's just…I miss Mom so much… sometimes I still need her here to tell me what t
o do. When you give me advice, it only makes me miss her more. I keep thinking that if she hadn't died, I would never have married Derek, and my life would be so different right now."
Hannah still stood there, listening.
"And when Landon came along, I thought ‘Here’s my chance to change things.’ I wanted a different path, and eventually it all came crashing down around me.” I let out a miserable laugh, and fought the tears that threatened to well up. “But that wasn't your fault and I should never have taken that out on you. I know you miss Mom, too. I'm really sorry, Hannah."
My big sister paused, for just a moment, before stepping forward and opening her arms to me. "I forgive you," she offered quietly.
I collapsed into her embrace and I was home. No matter what else happened in my life, I would always have Hannah. She wasn't perfect but she was my sister and I loved her desperately. We stood there for several long moments, sniffling and holding on to the only family we each had left.
"I need to apologize to you, too." She broke the silence between us.
"What?' I said in disbelief, my face muffled against her shoulder.
"Wonders will never cease. I know! I’m saying I’m sorry. I know I haven't been a very good big sister but I'd like to change that."
“Oh-kaaaay.”
"And... as long as we are getting everything out in the open, I have a couple of important things to tell you."
I took a step back and looked at her warily.
"I saw Mom," she announced. "She came to me in a vision."
"She did?" My eyes misted with tears.
"Yes, she did. Now, I know that you don't believe in all my mumbo-jumbo." Hannah waved her hands in the air.
"Oh, I think I'm coming around," I replied. "What did she say?"
"She told me that you’re in a lot of pain and that you needed me now more than ever."
I nodded, confirming what my mom had told her.
"Is this about Landon?"
"Yes and no." I shrugged my shoulders, my lower lip quivering with the feelings I was struggling so hard to keep at bay.
"You want to talk about it?"
"Not really. I mean, not yet. Is that okay?"
“Yeah. I'm not going anywhere, Belle."
"Good," I said, smiling.
"Now.” Hannah took in a deep breath and backed carefully away from me. "On to the other thing I have to tell you. And you seem to be in a pretty calm mood so now seems like as good a time as any."
I regarded her with curiosity. "Okay?"
"I did something, Belle."
"What did you do?” I had a sinking feeling, like the time she experimented on my Barbie Doll collection with hair dye and Henna ink.
"Remember the other day in the store, before Landon’s dad came in? Of course you do. What a stupid question.” She began pacing back and forth in the tiny kitchen. "Well, I had a few minutes before you got there and I was bored so I got on your computer. You know, just to check my email."
"And?"
"And... I found your manuscript."
"Oh," I stated blankly. "Did you read it?"
Hannah nodded.
"What did you think?"
"I thought….it's fantastic. Really fantastic.” I shook my head in shocked admiration. Perhaps I had underestimated my sister and her capacity to acknowledge those around her. “You should send it out to publishers."
"Hannah, it's not ready. It needs a great deal of editing. Besides, publishers don't usually read manuscripts they don't request. There's a whole system to the business of getting a book published."
"Really? Well..."
"Well, what?” I could feel it coming, the part of the story that I wasn't going to like.
"Well, I kind of already sent it out."
"To publishers?"
Hannah nodded. “Just one.”
"What? How?" I crossed my arms and waited.
“Well…do you remember Jeremy…the hottie from Pasadena? We hung out last summer while he was on a retreat with his company?”
“Vaguely…”
“Turns out…it was a publishing company retreat.”
“Hannah—
She held up her hands to stop me. “Well, I sent it to him. You can thank me later…and, of course, buy me an island when you are rich and famous.”
"Have you heard anything back?" It was a long shot, but I had to ask.
Hannah shook her head. "Not yet."
"Well, I'm not surprised. It's probably being deleted from his computer as we speak."
"You don't know that."
"Yes, I do. It's okay though. I'm not sure I ever wanted anyone to read it. Next time, will you please ask me first?"
"Sure. Absolutely. Cross my heart and all that." Hannah made a motion with her finger that crisscrossed her chest as we did when we were kids.
"Good. And thanks, Hannah...for believing in me."
"I always have, baby Belle." She put her arm around my shoulders and squeezed. I wanted to stay with her, talk to her all afternoon and into the night, but there were still things to do and I was running out of time. Derek was due back in just a few hours.
"Listen, I have a few things I need to do before I head home. Derek, comes back this afternoon — who knows, he's probably already at home."
"Okay. I get it. Thanks for coming over."
"Do you want to have dinner tonight? My treat?"
“What about Derek?”
“Fuck Derek. He can get his own dinner from now on.”
“That’s the spirit!” Hannah’s hands shot up in the air in enthusiastic agreement.
“So, what do you say?”
"Sure. I'd love to."
"Come by the store later and we'll go."
"Okay." Hannah nodded. "Love you, Belle."
I gave her a quick hug. "Love you, too."
As I walked back, I said to myself, "Two down...just one more to go."
I told Hannah I had errands to run, but the reality was I wanted to get away from anywhere that Derek would find me if he looked. Not before, I was ready to be found, anyway.
In the trunk of my car, waiting for me back at Turning Point, were three suitcases jammed full with everything I owned. When Derek got home, if he was observant, he would realize that all my things were gone. I planned to call the house a little bit later and tell him that I was filing for a divorce.
Late last week, I met with a divorce attorney about filing the necessary papers. I didn't divulge anything about the domestic violence, mainly because I didn't want to make things any more complicated than they already were. I’d never gone to the police and other than the recent visit to the hospital, there was no real record of it. It was just as well that I leave all of that out. I just wanted my marriage to be over, once and for all.
My lawyer told me that because we had no children it made things a bit simpler. The only complication he could foresee would be the division of the house and the store. I told him that Derek’s main threat he was making was to take Turning Point. My lawyer said that because I had acquired it before we married, Derek didn’t have a very strong claim to the store but it would all depend on the judge in family court. My best line of defense was to threaten right back, going for his house in the event that Derek went for my bookstore. I didn't want the house and as long as Derek didn’t fight me over the store, I’d let him keep his home. Hopefully, my soon-to-be ex-husband wouldn't contest anything and simply let me walk away from our marriage.
After my meeting, I went to the only furniture rental store in town and ordered a futon and a dresser. They delivered them earlier this morning to the store, which I already set up in the back room. It was not ideal but it would do until I could find an apartment. I’d changed the locks and had an alarm system installed that connected to a twenty-four hour monitoring company. I would be safe in the event that Derek got stupid and tried to come get me. Well, as safe as I was going to get with a maniacal alcoholic husband.
I had prepared for every scenario.<
br />
As I walked back to the store, I looked out on the beach and saw a familiar figure sitting on one of the rocks near the water's edge. His back was turned to me but I didn't need to see his face to know who it was. My mind screamed to keep going; instead, I turned toward the wooden walkway that led down to the beach.
Make that two down...and two more to go.
I didn't know why I was doing it. Only that something inside of me wouldn't allow me to leave him, sitting there all alone. I sat down next to him but he didn't turn, except to reach out and take my hand in his own. His thumb rubbed against my skin gently.
"I never meant to hurt you," I told him.
"And yet… you did."
"I'm sorry. But this is for the best."
"You keep saying that. Why don't I believe you?'
"Someday you will.” I squeezed his hand, not wanting to let it go — let him go — just yet. "This was always the way it was supposed to be."
We sat in silence for almost an hour, staring out over the ocean, neither of us wanting to leave but knowing there was really nothing left to say.
Surprisingly, Landon moved first. He stood up, leaned over me, and kissed me on the top of the head. "I have to go finish packing."
"Packing?" I asked, not wanting to look up at him. My eyes always betrayed me when it came to him.
"I’m leaving for Chicago in the morning."
"You took the job?" I asked, even though I knew the answer. "Of course you did," I whispered to myself. “Well, I guess I should say ‘congratulations’.”
He dropped to his knees in front of me and took my hands in his. “Come with me, Belle.”
“What? Landon, I can’t just…”
“Don’t say that,” he cut me off. “Belle, run away with me. Come to Chicago. Write. Open another bookstore. I don’t care…just come with me.”
I pulled my hands from his and placed them on his cheeks. I dropped a brief kiss on his lips and pulled back. Tears clouded my vision and I blinked them away as best I could. "Good luck, Landon."
He hung his head. “Promise me something?”
Turning Point Page 24