Fangs a Lot

by Tim Collins

  I told myself that I was imagining it, that Lenora was from an era when women never made the first move. But then I looked at my calendar. Today is Valentine’s Day. That can’t be a coincidence, can it?

  I’ve got to go now. It’s almost eleven, so I’ve only got an hour to make sure my fangs are totally clean.

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 15

  I put a clean T-shirt and pair of jeans on and made my way down to the beach just before midnight. As I climbed over the small hill above the beach, wispy clouds shifted to reveal a bright full moon. The conditions were perfect.

  Lenora was standing next to the lapping waves in her green ball gown. As I approached, I took my phone out and started playing Beethoven’s ‘Moonlight Sonata’ through the speakers. I thought it might help with the mood.

  “I think you can guess what I’ve called you here for,” said Lenora.

  “Of course,” I said, trying to sound commanding. “Let us begin.”

  “We’d better wait until the others get here,” she said.

  “Er . . . others?”

  I looked behind and saw Henry making his way down the hill, with Seth and Mr. Dashwood following a few feet behind.

  When they’d all arrived, Lenora beckoned us close and said, “Welcome to the first meeting of the Hirta Liberation Front. Do we all hate Viktor?”

  “Yes,” we said.

  “Do we all want to get him off the throne and out of the coven?” asked Lenora.

  “Yes,” we said.

  “And do we all want our rightful leader back?” she asked.

  “Yes,” said everyone else, turning to look at me.

  Brilliant.

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 16

  I can’t believe I turned up at the beach expecting to get a kiss and ended up agreeing to fight for something I don’t even want. I hate Viktor, but I also hate the idea of taking charge again. Just thinking about all those meeting reports is stressing me out.

  I suppose I’d better go along with all this Liberation Front stuff for now, though. Lenora seems to have her heart set on it.

  She’s asked me to come up with a plan to overthrow Viktor in time for the next meeting. I told her I had loads of math homework, but she insisted. So much for my plan to spend tonight beating my time trial records on Need for Speed.

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 17

  I didn’t manage to finish my math homework in time for today’s lesson. I thought Mr. Dashwood would let me off because we’re both in the Liberation Front, but he told me I had to do it by tomorrow or I’d get crucifixed. He was probably just being extra strict to keep the group secret, but it still didn’t seem like much of a way to treat your “rightful leader.”

  I had to spend all evening doing math again, so I didn’t have much time to think of a plan for overthrowing Viktor.

  If it were just up to me, I’d invite my old werewolf friends up here on the next full moon to rip his head off. It would mean we’d be rid of him, but none of us would be guilty of vampicide and have to report ourselves to the Vampire Council. And the werewolves would be happy with dog food and tennis balls as payment.

  But there’s no point in even suggesting this. I’m the only vampire in the world liberal enough to befriend werewolves. To the others, they’re a bunch of flea-bitten fiends who are about as welcome on this island as the Pope.

  The meeting is in half an hour, so I’m just going to have to wing it.

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 18

  “Great news,” said Lenora when everyone had arrived. “Nigel’s been working on a plan to overthrow Viktor.”

  “Excellent,” said Mr. Dashwood. “Let’s hear it.”

  I looked out at the black sea for a minute, in case any sudden inspiration struck me.

  “I’m still working on it,” I said. “I’ll definitely have it finished in time for the next meeting, though.”

  “We don’t need a plan,” said Henry. “Let’s just tell the little squirt what we think of him and take the consequences.”

  “No!” I said. “He’s more dangerous than you think. You have to promise not to tell anyone this, but when I was up in the throne room once, one of those blond vampires drew a stake on me.”

  The others gasped.

  “That’s illegal!” shouted Seth.

  “We can’t let them get away with that,” said Henry.

  “It does indeed make things more serious,” said Mr. Dashwood. “Why didn’t you tell anyone?”

  “I was afraid it would get back to them,” I said.

  “At least you’ve told us now,” said Mr. Dashwood. “We must all work together as best we can to defeat the little tyrant. From now on, we must tell each other everything.”

  I thought about owning up to my private blood supply, but decided against it. They’d only make me share it.

  I noticed tears running down Lenora’s face, so I put my arm round her. It’s a shame the others were there, as I’m pretty sure I could have converted it into a kissing opportunity if we’d been alone.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 19

  Another weird blood feast in the throne room this evening. I got stuck behind Ron in the line and had to listen to him going on about motorbikes. He always lines up with his feet facing forward and his head facing back, so it seems rude to ignore him.

  My sister and her stupid friends dressed up as cheerleaders and performed a silly dance routine. They even tried chanting the letters of Viktor’s name, but spelled it V-I-C-K-T-O-R. What sort of fan doesn’t even know how to spell their idol’s name?

  They have absolutely no idea who they’re messing with. Viktor could easily have thrown a tantrum about the inaccurate spelling and beheaded them. As it was, Svetlana grinned and applauded, so he smiled along.

  My sister spent the rest of the feast swanning around and fishing for compliments, but she got none from me. If she wants to suck up to the little demon, it’s a matter for her conscience. I’m not going to encourage her.

  Ezekiel and Abraham were just behind me in the line and you should have heard them when it was their turn to file past.

  “Allow me to thank you for bringing your remarkable leadership talents to our humble island,” said Ezekiel.

  “Your Majesty,” said Abraham, bowing before Viktor. “I salute your courage, your strength, and your nobility.”

  Viktor waved them on and they swigged the blood. It was top-quality stuff once again. This one was a cold thick type B with a hint of vanilla, like blood ice cream. I can’t wait for my sneaky flask of the stuff to turn up in the morning.

  Thinking about it just then made my fangs extend and pierce through my tongue! I must have looked so dorky when I was untangling it. I’m glad Lenora didn’t see that.

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 20

  I’ve just thought of a plan. Svetlana kicked me off the throne because she found evidence that Viktor was the rightful leader. So why don’t I try and unearth some evidence that he isn’t?

  Think about it: Vampires are always squabbling over power. So what if Viktor is the rightful heir to our previous leader? That doesn’t mean the previous leader took over fairly. It’s pretty much guaranteed that he grabbed power by force or trickery.

  Hopefully, there’ll be someone else in the coven with a rival claim, and I can back them as leader rather than having to take charge myself.

  Whoever they are, they can’t be any worse than Viktor. Unless my sister and her friends turn out to be the true leaders and make their vampire glee club compulsory, things can only get better.

  11:00 p.m.

  I just went down the dusty corridor to the archive room. I turned the handle and found it was locked.

  I’d never bothered to lock the door when I was in charge. No one seemed very interested in the place at all, as far as I remember.

  I turned to leave and saw a figure a few feet away. I squinted into the darkness and saw it was one of the blond vampires.

  “Sorry,” I said. “I’ve lost my pencil case and thought it might have fallen d
own here.”

  I ducked around the guard and darted away. I used my vampire speed to bomb up the six flights to my room, pushed my chair up against the door, and jumped into my coffin.

  Not that it made me any safer. If Viktor’s guards wanted to stake me, this flimsy coffin wouldn’t offer much protection. But it makes me feel better.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 21

  We had another Liberation Front meeting tonight. They all loved my plan and were interested to hear about my trip to the archive room.

  “It proves you were on to something,” said Henry.

  “I agree,” said Mr. Dashwood. “He must have found evidence of a rival claim in the record book and wants to make sure we don’t get hold of it.”

  “So all we need to do is get into the room and grab the book,” said Seth.

  “Great,” said Lenora. She leaned over to me and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. “Good work, Nige!”

  A kiss on the cheek! I’m pretty much guaranteed a girlfriend if I defeat Viktor.

  SATURDAY, FEBRUARY 22

  I had crèche duty again today. There was a note taped to Nimrod’s cot stating that the babies were to be fed no more than one bottle a day now. I can’t believe selfish old Viktor has even put the babies on rations while he enjoys his fill of blood up in the throne room.

  On the plus side, the rations seemed to have made the babies much quieter. This time they didn’t try to jump out of their cots or crawl around the room. They just lay on their backs looking up at their skull mobiles and babbling.

  There are no nappies to change with vampire babies, thankfully. Like the rest of us, they don’t need to poo or pee. It would be a lot harder to get anyone to do crèche duty if that was part of the deal. Imagine having to remove a nappy full of steaming droppings. Ewwww! I don’t want to be speciesist, but humans can be pretty disgusting.

  At one point Nimrod’s fangs came down and he started crying, so I picked him up and sang a traditional vampire lullaby:

  “Rock-a-bye vampire

  Hide from the sun

  When the night falls

  The human will run

  When the hands grab

  The human will fall

  And down will come vampire

  Sharp fangs and all.”

  I’ll be the first to admit that my voice isn’t exactly soothing, but it seemed to calm him. A couple of hours later Zylphina started crying, so I had to fetch her doll. She’ll need a new one soon. She’s almost gnawed through the neck of her current one.

  SUNDAY, FEBRUARY 23

  I need to find a way to get into the archive room. I think there’s a set of keys in the drawer at the end of the discussion room—or throne room, as we must now call it. I never really bothered with keys, as I was a progressive and trusting leader, but I’m sure one of those must open the archive room.

  I just need to get into the throne room and distract Viktor for long enough to grab them.

  Got it! I’ll get my sister and her friends to perform a special concert in Viktor’s honor. She can bring her CD player up to the throne room and dance along to her hits compilation. As soon as “Don’t Stop Believin’ ” builds to its rousing climax, I’ll nab the keys and make for the archive room. Brilliant.

  MONDAY, FEBRUARY 24

  My stupid sister has decided to put her own interests first yet again. I just went down to her room and asked her if she’d perform the concert for Viktor. At first she got really excited and started showing me all the moves she’d do. But when I told her to bring her CD player and turn it up really loud, she started getting suspicious.

  “You’re up to something,” she said. “You’ve got some sort of scheme to trick my poor darling Vik.”

  Typical. My sister’s meager brain cells pick this moment to start working.

  “No,” I said. “I just wanted to give you a chance to show Viktor how much you love him.”

  My sister planted her hands on her hips. “I don’t believe you. And I’m going to tell the other Vikties.”

  She made for the door but I dashed in front and blocked her way. “Okay, forget the concert. It was a stupid idea. But don’t tell anyone I suggested it. I can’t explain any more, but it’s for your own safety.”

  “Okay,” she said. “But it will cost you a thermos of blood.”

  Fantastic. So now I’ve got to give up a whole day’s blood supply. And as punishment for what? Oh, that’s right, trying to help everyone in the coven, including her.

  If all the other vampires were like her, I’d happily let Viktor run this place into the ground.

  TUESDAY, FEBRUARY 25

  I’ve come up with a plan to get into the archive room that doesn’t require help from any stuck-up little princesses.

  I was thinking about the layout of the castle this morning, and I’m pretty sure the archive room is directly beneath the graveyard. It’s four floors down, so you’d have to dig a long way, but I’m sure you’d reach it.

  All I need to do is get Henry to dig straight down from my grave. Everyone’s used to seeing him working there, so it’s unlikely anyone will take any notice of him. We can take the soil away in our coffins, so a huge mound doesn’t pile up. Some of the older vampires change their soil every day, so it shouldn’t look too unusual.

  I’m off to the Liberation Front meeting now to suggest it.

  WEDNESDAY, FEBRUARY 26

  Everyone loved the plan. Henry was especially pleased that I’d found a way to use his grave-digging skills to overthrow Viktor.

  We’re going to empty our coffins into the sea every morning and take them to Henry for a refill. This means he’ll be able to get rid of four coffins of soil a day, and should be done by the start of next week.

  At the end of the meeting Lenora came over and planted a kiss on my cheek. Let’s hope there are plenty more where that came from.

  This afternoon I emptied my coffin over the rocks behind the castle and took it down to the graveyard for Henry to fill. He’s hollowed out a trench six feet down. The tunnel itself is going to be in the middle, and he’s got a tarp to cover it so no one can see.

  I took my coffin back to my room, and I’m currently relaxing in the fresh soil. I can’t believe what a vampire cliché I’m turning into. Next I’ll become one of those vampire poseurs who talk with a Transylvanian accent even though the farthest east they’ve been is Great Yarmouth.

  I vant to bite your neck. Mwah ha ha!

  THURSDAY, FEBRUARY 27

  Dad came round and gave me a shirt and bow tie today. At first I couldn’t work out what was going on, but then I remembered it was my transformation day. I’ve been a vampire for exactly eighty-seven years today!

  Happy transformation day to me

  Squashed humans and type B

  Happy transformation day, dear Nigel

  Happy transformation day to me

  It was good of Dad to remember, though it’s a shame his gift options are limited to his own wardrobe now. The shirt has a high collar and a row of pleats down the front. The tie is made of black silk and I think you’re supposed to fix it in a bow, but I couldn’t quite work out how to do it.

  Neither the shirt nor the tie go very well with my fashionable jeans and sneakers, but I can’t get away without wearing them at least a couple of times.

  11:00 p.m.

  Lenora just called round and she said my new image was very “gentlemanly.” I’m pretty sure that was a big compliment back in her day. Maybe Dad’s gift will come in useful after all.

  FRIDAY, FEBRUARY 28

  I changed the soil in my coffin again this morning. I’m sitting in it now and . . .

  Sorry, I had to abandon that last entry because my sister barged in and demanded the blood I owed her. I had completely forgotten about it, but there were slightly more important things on my mind.

  She was wearing a gown that was far too big for her, so it looked as though she’d been given a last-minute transformation day gift too.

  I sto
od up and slammed my diary shut.

  “What were you writing?” she asked. A smirk spread across her face as an idea crawled its way through her mind. “It was the name of a girl you love, wasn’t it?”

  “No!” I yelled. I tried to sound embarrassed so she wouldn’t work out that something much more serious was going on.

  “Yes it was!” shouted my sister. “You love her! You want to kiss her!”

  I handed a thermos of blood to my sister and shoved her out the door.

  She pranced away down the corridor, continuing her chant: “You love her! You want to kiss her!”

  SATURDAY, MARCH 1

  I went round to my sister’s room this morning to get my thermos back. She was sitting with Amber and Ellie and painting a huge picture of Viktor with a hooded top and thick hair sweeping down over one side of his forehead. Nice to know they aren’t letting reality get in the way of their fan worship.

  They were all wearing I ♥ VIKTOR T-shirts. My sister clearly hadn’t left enough room on hers, because she’d had to write the letters O and R on the back.

  “Nigel’s in love with someone from this coven but he won’t say who,” taunted my sister as I was fishing my thermos out of the mess of glitter and glue on the table.

  This sent Amber and Ellie into a fit of giggles. Ellie stood up, turned away, and mimed hugging and kissing by crossing her hands over her body and moving them up and down.