Fangs a Lot

by Tim Collins

  Viktor and Svetlana were drinking blood on their thrones when I barged in. Svetlana was so shocked she spluttered blood down her gown.

  “What are you doing here?” asked Viktor. “And why have you brought that lot? I don’t want human germs everywhere.”

  “That won’t be a problem,” I said. “Because they’re not human.”

  I pointed at Viktor, looked at the children, and shouted, “Attack!”

  They just smiled and looked at me again. I sighed and plodded over to Viktor. I grabbed his hand and started hitting myself over the head with it. “Ow!” I shouted. “Stop attacking me!”

  It wasn’t a very convincing performance, but it was enough to unleash my kids’ instincts. They lunged forward, dragged Viktor off the throne, and stamped on him.

  “Mummy!” shouted Viktor. “Help!”

  Svetlana turned and ran out the room. Even I was shocked at her cowardice.

  “Don’t leave me, Mummy!” sobbed Viktor. I almost felt sorry for him, so I reminded myself of what he’d done to Henry.

  Ponytail vampire shoved his fingers up Viktor’s nose and I poured the garlic blood into his mouth.

  “I hate you!” he spluttered. “You’re the worst one! You’re the ringleader! You made them all bully me!”

  After a few more minutes of struggling and yelling, Viktor closed his eyes and fell still.

  I heard Svetlana’s voice echoing down the stairwell. “Get off me! The king will punish you!”

  Rob and Mike marched Svetlana into the room holding her arms behind her back.

  “Caught her trying to escape,” said Rob.

  “Excellent,” I said. “If you could hold her jaw open . . .”

  Svetlana struggled and hissed as I tipped the last of the garlic blood down her throat. She fell limp a couple of minutes later, and Rob and Mike threw her to the floor.

  I heard a smash from the other end of the room and saw that the vampire with the ponytail had thrown a glass to the floor.

  “That’s enough!” I shouted. “Stand in the middle of the room where I can see you!”

  He smashed another one and laughed.

  Lenora and Mr. Dashwood ran in.

  “What’s going on?” asked Mr. Dashwood. “Are you sure it’s safe to bring humans up here?”

  “They’re not humans,” I said. “I’m a dad!”

  “That’s wonderful news,” said Lenora. She threw her arms around me and kissed me on the lips for at least a minute. Technically, I’m counting that. We are now officially a couple!

  9:00 p.m.

  It took us a while to forge a safe way back to the beach. Rob and Mike had to dig up the grass and check for vamp traps. Then they had to drag the stakes out of the trench one by one, and kick a hole in the barricade.

  While we were waiting I asked Lenora where they’d all been. She said they’d been caught and imprisoned in a room on the second floor. A couple of the guards had been stationed outside, but after a while they heard them leave. Eventually Mike broke the door down in time to see Svetlana fleeing down the stairwell.

  Seth was still waiting on the other side of the barricade when we finally got through. He’d spent all night tramping around the grounds to set off the holy water traps, so it was safe for us to cross.

  Amazingly, the argument on the beach was still going on. Hans and Cecil had settled on Rock Paper Scissors, but they couldn’t agree on whether to play best of nine or ninety-nine.

  “Viktor is defeated,” I said. “And I’m back in charge.”

  There was a huge cheer from the crowd.

  “Do we have to call you ‘king’ now?” asked Hans.

  “That’s my boy,” said Cecil, slapping me on the back. “I knew you’d do it!”

  “I take it we’ll be celebrating with a blood feast?” asked Dad.

  “I don’t think so,” I said. “We should probably go easy on the remaining supply. Speaking of which, I’ve got a bit of news . . .”

  TUESDAY, APRIL 8

  Mum was overjoyed about becoming a grandmother. She beamed with pride as she watched the new vampires playing in the graveyard this morning.

  She asked me what their names were, and I had to admit I didn’t know. I suppose I could have asked them before I bit them, but it wouldn’t have been much use, unless their names are “Don’t kill me!” and “Why are you doing this to me?”

  I’ll find out as soon as they start speaking. After transformation, vampires go through a process of development before settling at their natural ages. So while babies stay babies, adult vampires go through mental states that resemble childhood and adolescence before reaching maturity.

  Dad didn’t exactly seem over the moon about being a grandfather. If anything, he looks on it less like gaining eight new family members and more like losing an unlimited supply of fresh blood.

  My sister got completely the wrong idea about being an auntie, of course. She even asked me if she could hold one of them!

  These new vampires will need our support to develop to their natural ages. The last thing they need is a ten-year-old girl cradling them and saying, “Goo goo ga ga.”

  WEDNESDAY, APRIL 9

  This afternoon Mr. Dashwood put on the protective suit and lined nine coffins with garlic. Then he lifted Viktor, Svetlana, and the blond vampires into them and nailed the lids down. That should keep them out of action when they come round.

  He’s loaded the coffins into the speedboat, and tomorrow he’s going to take them to the Vampire Council’s headquarters in Alaska.

  I think he’s doing the right thing. Viktor has committed a very serious crime, and deserves to spend the rest of eternity in the Council dungeons. I suppose the others haven’t quite committed vampicide, but I hope they’re severely punished too. They all did their bit to overexcite Viktor and work him into a murderous frenzy.

  10:00 p.m.

  I’ve just had a thought. It will take Mr. Dashwood ages to go to Alaska and back, which means no school for months. Yippee!

  It’s just as well, because the kids are turning into a real handful. That one with the ponytail jumped out of a castle window today and broke his neck. You should have heard the fuss he made while he was waiting for it to heal. It’s the only way he’s going to learn, though.

  THURSDAY, APRIL 10

  Mr. Dashwood left for Alaska this afternoon, and Rob and Mike are about to take two of the fishing boats to the mainland to harvest some new blood. The last of the supplies from my vampires are running out, so they’ll have to be quick. I need to find someone to take Henry’s place on the blood collection squad, but I haven’t had the time, what with the kids and everything. It’s difficult juggling a career and a family.

  FRIDAY, APRIL 11

  The kids have learnt to speak now. And I thought they were a hassle before! Every time I try to relax they swarm round and ask me stupid questions:

  Why don’t I need to sleep?

  Why don’t I feel pain?

  Why don’t I need to poo or pee anymore?

  What are my fangs for?

  Are zombies real too?

  Why is blood red?

  I must have answered these questions a hundred times. They nod as if they’ve taken it in, then come back half an hour later and ask exactly the same things.

  At least I’ve been able to find out a bit more about them. Their names are Josh (the one with the ponytail), Brad, Dunc, Chris, Kate, Pip, Jessica, and Sara. The last thing they remember is stopping their speedboat to help a drowning boy who was wearing a suit and cape. They don’t seem to remember their time in the archive room, and I’m certainly not going to bring it up. I won’t hear the last of it when they reach their sulky phase.

  SATURDAY, APRIL 12

  Ron volunteered to join the blood collection squad today. I turned him down, which seemed to upset him. But what could I do? His back-to-front feet would attract attention, and every time he tried to chase humans he’d go the wrong way.

  I offered to let hi
m have the job if he chopped his legs off and put them on the right way again, but he accused me of discrimination and stormed out. At least, he tried to storm out. He actually bumped into my wall and fell over before leaving.

  This is why I hate being leader. You have to make all these stupid decisions, and whatever you choose you’re the bad guy.

  You wouldn’t think I saved this coven from tyranny less than a week ago. They’ve already forgotten my heroism and started calling round to ask when the rations are going to be lifted.

  I wish they’d ration their nagging.

  11:00 p.m.

  I showed the children how to play Need for Speed tonight. They really enjoyed it, and Chris was so good he could almost beat me. I wonder if he played it when he was human and it’s still in the back of his mind somewhere. After a while Josh and Brad started fighting over the controllers, so I sent them all back to their rooms. It’s too bad a couple of bad apples had to spoil it for everyone, and I hope they’re feeling ashamed of themselves.

  SUNDAY, APRIL 13

  Lenora offered to help with the kids today. While Mr. Dashwood’s away, we’re going to use his classroom to teach them the basics of vampire life. If we can get them to write the facts down, they might sink in and we won’t have to keep repeating them.

  Mum and Dad have offered to join the blood collection squad. I think it’s a good idea, and will help to make up for their disgraceful behavior under the Viktor regime. I’m going to suggest Dad wears jeans and a sweater, partly because it will help him blend in and partly because I know how much he hates it.

  Ezekiel and Abraham came round to ask me when the rations were going to be lifted. I told them it wouldn’t be long and they told me to “get a move on.”

  I can’t believe how rude they are. Viktor mistreats them and the little slimeballs do nothing but suck up to him. I treat them fairly and they snap at me like I’m an incompetent waiter.

  Maybe I should treat them mean and keep them keen. Perhaps when the blood supplies are topped up, I’ll lift rations for everyone except them. Then they’ll be thanking me for bringing my leadership talents to their humble little island in no time.

  MONDAY, APRIL 14

  Rob and Mike returned with ten vats of blood today. They must have worked really hard to get that much, and I made sure everyone thanked them as they collected their share.

  The blood was nowhere near as nice as the stuff my kids used to produce, and I’m not just saying that out of parental pride. It’s much staler, and it’s just plain old blood, without any fancy flavoring. But we’re all going to have to get used to it. We won’t be using any more human cattle while I’m in charge.

  11:00 p.m.

  The children have lost their milk fangs now. They came to show me the gaps in their mouths this evening. Brad even pulled his out in front of me, and I told him to leave them under his coffin for the tooth demon.

  They’ll have their permanent fangs by this time tomorrow. I can’t believe how fast they’re growing up!

  TUESDAY, APRIL 15

  We gave the children a lesson about blood today. I explained that they’d usually have to run around after humans and bite their necks to get it, but we provide it for free. I hope this helped them realize how easy they have it in a coven.

  Lenora handed out a worksheet where they had to answer questions about different blood types. She went round to help whenever they stuck their hands up, and was really patient with their stupid questions.

  After they’d gone I thanked her for helping me out, and she said I was a wonderful dad. Then she gave me a real kiss! I’d better not write much about it, though. She’s very old-fashioned and I don’t think she’d like it if I did.

  I think we’re sort of going out now. I haven’t actually said anything, but it feels like we are. We spent ages chatting in her room last night, and she didn’t seem uncomfortable about me being in her room so late.

  WEDNESDAY, APRIL 16

  I must be officially going out with Lenora, because Brad called her “Mum” in class today, and she didn’t correct him.

  We were giving them a safety lesson about garlic, holy water, and stakes. Josh and Brad kept whispering things to each other and giggling, so I had to separate them.

  I told them they wouldn’t find it funny if a vampire slayer walloped a stake into their hearts, and this seemed to shut them up. Ultimately, all I can do is warn them. If they don’t want to listen, it’s up to them.

  Seth has now finished burning the barrier and all the stakes, so he came round tonight to help me catch up on my paperwork. He isn’t very fast at reading or writing, but he tries really hard. I told him what had happened in the last few Circle of Elders meetings and he attempted to fill in the report forms.

  He wrote the first couple backward, so I made him do them again. He wasn’t trying to be weird, it’s just that they used to write from right to left in his day.

  I’m not going to fill in any reports about the siege, as I’m sure Mr. Dashwood will tell the council all about it. Plus, the questions are all things like, “How did you resolve the issue?” and “How do you think you handled your responsibility?” There are no questions like, “Did a psychopathic child murder one of your friends with a musical instrument?”

  THURSDAY, APRIL 17

  Mum and Dad brought some more blood back from the mainland today, so I was able to officially lift rations.

  I expected a stream of grateful coven members to call round, but the only vampire who came to congratulate me was Lenora.

  I’ve barely even started on my list of stuff to do. I’ve got to rebuild Seth’s pyramid, convert the throne room back into the discussion room, and get Mrs. Dean to resume her cleaning round, and that’s just for starters. But when Lenora invited me for a walk in the graveyard, I agreed to throw my list aside. It’s not as if anyone’s going to thank me anyway.

  When we were outside, I asked Lenora if I was allowed to call her my girlfriend, and she agreed. Heavy rain started to fall and we had a kiss. It was a wonderful romantic moment, but unfortunately, the weather drew Hans and Eddie out, which killed the mood.

  FRIDAY, APRIL 18

  I gave the kids a lesson about werewolves today. I had to make it very biased and say that all werewolves are evil. It’s not true, and I felt slightly ashamed of myself, but you have to exaggerate when you’re talking to new vampires. If they go around petting every one they see, they’ll get their heads ripped off in no time.

  The children behaved much better today. They all took notes, listened attentively, and asked sensible questions about full moon safety. They seem much more grown up now, which is a shame because it means their difficult phase will be along soon.

  SATURDAY, APRIL 19

  Today I appointed Seth as deputy leader. He’s agreed to take over most of the decision-making and paperwork, which should free me up to spend more time with Lenora and unlock some new cars on Need for Speed. He’s effectively in charge now, but I’m still going to hold the official position of leader for the sake of stability.

  I’ve appointed Cecil, Hans, and Ron as the new Circle of Elders, and I’ve told them to help Seth with writing the reports. Ron was really pleased when I chose him. I hope it proved I’m not discriminating against him. I’m quite happy for him to have a job that doesn’t involve walking in the right direction.

  SUNDAY, APRIL 20

  Whoops! I was checking through my e-mail spam folder today when I saw these:

  I think I’ll delete the e-mails and pretend I didn’t get them. It’s annoying that I could have saved myself all that hassle just by checking my spam folder. Having said that, I probably wouldn’t be going out with Lenora if none of it had happened, so perhaps it was all for the best.

  We had another lovely stroll in the graveyard this morning. Rob has rebuilt Seth’s pyramid and filled in my grave again.

  He asked me if I wanted to remove the reservation stone, but I told him to leave it. I think I deserve some small privil
eges.

  MONDAY, APRIL 21

  Just as I expected, the children have entered their argumentative phase now. I went to fetch them this morning, and none of them would budge from their coffins.

  “Why don’t you go to school if you like it so much?” yelled Brad, slamming his lid closed.

  Kate rolled over in her soil and muttered, “I don’t have to do what you say. You’re not even my real dad!”

  Josh threw his notebook at me and shouted, “I didn’t ask to be transformed!”

  I canceled their lessons. There’s no point in trying to teach them when they’re like this. It’s all very odd. When I first transformed them, I couldn’t wait for them to grow up and become independent. Now I wish they could have stayed in their last phase a little longer. But I suppose I’m just going to have to put up with it.

  I can’t complain. I’ve been going through my difficult teenage phase for nine decades now.

  ABOUT THE AUTHOR

  Tim Collins is originally from Manchester and now lives in London. He is the author of eleven books, including the award-winning Notes from a Totally Lame Vampire (published in the UK as Diary of a Wimpy Vampire), which was nominated for the Redbridge Book Award, the Worcestershire Teen Book Award, and the Northern Ireland Book Award, and won Manchester Fiction City.

  Find out more about Tim at his website: timcollinsbooks.com.